The sun was just right, and the breeze was gentle without being restless.
Walking down the streets of Mondstadt, basking in the soft warmth of the afternoon light.
Warm and wonderful.
"Oh my goodness, look who it is — the dashing and charming Mister Cao Zhong! It's been so long since you've graced our Windblume's Glory with your presence!"
"Ah, the gentle and gracious Miss Marjorie. Things have been a little hectic lately — but once I have some free time, I'll come visit you personally."
"Oh, my dear sir. Do make sure to come when it's nice and quiet, just the two of us."
"Of course, leave it to me — I'm very good at that sort of thing..."
"Mister Cao Zhong..."
"Mister Cao Zhong..."
All the way down the street, it was nothing but admiration and adoration directed at Cao Zhong.
Lumine and Paimon, trailing behind him, could only watch with matching expressions of complete bafflement.
"Ugh! Everyone knows Cao Zhong is a scoundrel — so why do they all still fall over themselves to get close to him? I don't get it!"
Paimon scratched her head, thoroughly confused.
Lumine, for her part, had long since gotten used to it — though she wasn't without a quiet sense of grievance.
This man truly had no taste. He ignored a fresh-faced young woman like herself and spent his time chatting and laughing with a bunch of middle-aged ladies. Honestly, what was wrong with him?
"A bunch of shallow women," she said, rather indignantly. "They only like him because he's good-looking!"
"But — why do Captain Jean and Amber like Cao Zhong too? They're not shallow, are they?"
Paimon scratched her head again, still no closer to an answer.
"That's… well…"
Lumine was stumped.
"It's all because of that scoundrel's silver tongue! I'm telling you, Paimon — you can't trust a word that comes out of a man's mouth!"
Lumine delivered this with the air of someone who had seen it all.
"Are you two talking about me behind my back?"
Cao Zhong suddenly shoved his head between the two of them.
"Aaahh~~~!"
Paimon, startled by the sudden face appearing next to her, gave a yelp and thrashed wildly in mid-air like someone drowning, clawing desperately upward — to no avail.
Fortunately, Cao Zhong was quick and snatched her up by her little cape before she could flail herself into trouble.
"Hey! You big scoundrel — you nearly scared me to death!"
Paimon clutched her chest, still rattled, then turned a glare on Cao Zhong.
Cao Zhong's expression darkened at big scoundrel.
"How many times do I have to say it — don't call me a scoundrel. I'm not a scoundrel. Say it again and I'll turn you into Paimon Skewers."
"And how many times do I have to say it — I am NOT food!"
Paimon crossed her arms furiously.
"Besides, you ARE a big scoundrel!"
Paimon stared at him with an expression that said and you know it.
"I'm not a scoundrel. I just want to give every girl in the world a place to call home."
Cao Zhong spread his hands with an air of helpless innocence.
Lumine and Paimon stared at him in stunned silence.
"How… how can a person be this shameless?!"
"Absolutely unbelievable!"
And so they bickered and bantered all the way down the street, which at least kept things from getting dull.
By the time they arrived at the Angel's Share, evening had begun to settle over the city.
People were trickling in through the tavern doors in ones and twos.
Cao Zhong glanced at the entrance and noticed that the sign reading "Cao Zhong and Dogs Not Permitted" had been taken down.
He supposed that, by now, he was considered something of a hero of Mondstadt.
Keeping a sign like that up would have been a bit much.
Looked like Diluc knew how to read a room after all.
Cao Zhong was quite satisfied with this development.
He pushed open the door and stepped inside. A server immediately came over to greet him.
"Welcome to the Angel's Share~!"
That voice.
Strangely familiar.
Cao Zhong looked closer — and broke into a grin.
Well, well. If it isn't my dear friend Venti.
"Venti! A few days apart and look at you — reduced to bartender. How the mighty have fallen."
Cao Zhong regarded him with a thoroughly entertained expression.
Venti blinked, then registered who had just walked in.
His expression shifted instantly.
"My friend! My dear friend! You're finally here — any later and you'd never have seen me again!"
Venti burst into tears on the spot.
Lumine and Paimon looked on in utter bewilderment.
Why was the Anemo Archon of Mondstadt weeping like his whole world had ended? Was this a tragedy of circumstance or a collapse of moral character?
Stay tuned for today's edition of: Life in Mondstadt.
"It's Diluc — Diluc isn't human!"
Venti covered his mouth, sobbing, looking for all the world like a woman scorned and locked in her chamber for years.
Cao Zhong's eyes went wide. "What did Diluc do to you? What did he do?"
At that moment, Cao Zhong was like a predator that had caught a whiff of blood — absolutely electrified.
"He… he scheduled me for seven days a week, fifty years straight! He's trying to kill me! That's longer than I spent on duty as the Anemo Archon for three thousand years!"
Venti wailed.
…That's it?
I thought it was going to be something…
Never mind.
Cao Zhong shook his head and made his way to the bar, dropping onto a stool.
"What can I get you, sir?"
Hm?
That voice was familiar too.
Cao Zhong turned his head — and there was Kaeya, impeccably dressed in a trim little bartender's jacket, looking rather presentable for once.
"Kaeya? What are you doing here?"
Paimon asked, visibly surprised.
"Oh — Traveler and Paimon! This establishment belongs to my brother. I come to help out from time to time."
Kaeya offered a warm, easy smile.
"Sure, keep telling yourself that — though maybe don't bother lying to your friends. You're exactly the same as me: ran out of Mora, got dragged in to work off your debt."
Venti sidled up next to Kaeya, wearing the expression of someone who's too polite to expose you but is doing it anyway.
"Nobody asked you to say anything. Nobody was going to mistake you for a mute."
Kaeya drew himself up to his full height and glared down at Venti.
"I'm just telling the truth. What's wrong with that?"
Venti drew himself up too, matching Kaeya's energy and then some.
"Alright, enough, enough — we didn't come here to watch you two argue."
Cao Zhong pinched the bridge of his nose. Why couldn't his friends all be quiet, refined gentlemen like himself?
A tragedy, truly.
"So then — what'll you have?" Venti asked.
Cao Zhong eyed the two of them with open skepticism. "Can you two actually mix drinks?"
The moment the words left his mouth, both Venti and Kaeya transformed. There was a dangerous glint in their eyes.
"You can question my character, but you do not question my craft."
"I've been drinking for thousands of years. You think I can't mix you a decent drink?"
"Eeeek~~~ So scary!!!"
Paimon shrank behind Lumine, thoroughly intimidated by the twin glares.
Despite their assurances, Cao Zhong remained skeptical. It wasn't a matter of distrust, exactly — it was precisely because he knew these two so well that he had a clear picture of what they were capable of.
"Just give me an apple cider."
Cao Zhong played it safe.
"Coward," Venti and Kaeya said in unison, looking at him with matching disdain.
Meanwhile, Lumine was leaning eagerly over the drinks menu, eyes bright, scanning for something that caught her fancy.
"Ooh, this one! A Screwdriver!"
She slid the menu across to Venti and Kaeya.
"A Screwdriver?"
The two of them stroked their chins in thoughtful unison, faces taking on the look of men deep in contemplation.
"Is… something wrong with that?" Lumine had no idea what they were thinking.
"Not at all!" they said together, a little too casually.
Then they turned away and began murmuring to each other.
"Diluc never taught us how to make a Screwdriver…"
"What are you worried about? As long as the ingredients match the name, we'll be fine. Leave it to me." Venti was supremely confident.
"Are you absolutely sure about this?" Kaeya was decidedly less so.
"I've got it handled!"
Cao Zhong felt an ominous premonition take shape somewhere in the pit of his stomach.
To be fair to Venti, his technique was impressively professional.
And before long, a "Screwdriver" was ceremoniously placed in front of Lumine.
To be clear: a literal screwdriver. Not the cocktail.
Lumine picked it up, grabbed Venti by the collar with her other hand, and fixed him with a look that could melt solid rock.
"What. Is. This. Is this supposed to be a drink?!"
Cao Zhong nearly choked on his apple cider laughing. Only you, Venti. Only you.
"Ah — my sincerest apologies. Let us make you another one right away!"
Kaeya swooped in swiftly to smooth things over.
Lumine, only slightly appeased, released Venti and crossed her arms.
"This time, it had better be right." She leveled a warning look at the two of them.
Venti and Kaeya ducked behind the bar counter.
"I told you it was wrong — who uses a Phillips head screwdriver? It should have been a flathead!" Kaeya muttered, with the air of someone who had been right all along.
"Fine then, you go deliver it this time. I'm done." Venti crossed his arms.
...
Another drink was brought out shortly after.
"This is too much — you two are unbelievable!"
Lumine stared into the glass and felt something in her soul give way.
The only difference from last time was that the Phillips head screwdriver had been swapped for a flathead one.
Otherwise? Identical.
She lunged for Venti and Kaeya, ready to make them pay.
Meanwhile, Cao Zhong quietly pulled out his device and filmed the whole scene, then posted it straight to the group chat.
[Ding — User "Cao Zhong" has uploaded a video.]
[Cao Zhong: I am DYING, besties. You all have to see this.]