This was deeply, profoundly awkward.
Chongyun quietly sipped his cold tea and pretended not to exist.
"Relax, little brother Chongyun. You'll get used to it!"
As someone who regularly made entertainment headlines, Cao Zhong could read the kid's embarrassment from a mile away.
Ah, youth. He himself had long since shed every last scrap of shame.
In this world, a tree stripped of its bark will surely die — but a man stripped of his dignity becomes truly invincible.
He had already achieved invincibility.
[Xingqiu]: @Cao Zhong Cao-boss. Are you out there tricking young women again?
[Kaeya]: @Cao Zhong Please, for the love of all that is holy, be a normal person.
[Bennett]: @Cao Zhong Don't just sort out your own love life — help your bros out too!
[Kaeya]: Seriously. I've been single so long even Diluc is starting to look kind of handsome to me.
[Diluc]: ???
[Cao Zhong]: Ouch. That genuinely hurt. I thought you were my brothers — and this is what you think of me?
[Hu Tao]: @Cao Zhong Just admit it, Cao-boss. There's no point pretending anymore.
[Cao Zhong]: What if I told you it wasn't me? Would you believe me?
[Kaeya]: If it's not you, I'll lick the whole street from Mondstadt to Springvale.
[Venti]: @Kaeya I fully support you!
[Bennett]: @Kaeya A true warrior!
[Cao Zhong]: @Kaeya Broke again? Fishing for free meals in the group chat now?
[Kaeya]: I'm expressing my faith in your abilities!
[Cao Zhong]: How generous of you. My sincerest thanks.
The video began to play.
On screen, Cao Zhong was surrounded on all sides by four Hilichurls in a bizarre state — dark miasma seeping off their bodies, eyes wild.
[Kaeya]: @Cao Zhong Say something! Say something!
[Venti]: @Cao Zhong I'd feel bad exposing you, but here we are!
[Bennett]: @Cao Zhong Bro, don't do this to us!
[Cao Zhong]: There is a me in this video. But not the whole story.
[Xingqiu]: I refuse to believe anyone out-hardheads you.
[Chongyun]: ...
In the video, Cao Zhong stood wreathed in something like flame, tremendous heat radiating from his body, reciting an incantation under his breath:
"Let them be strong — a clear wind sweeps the mountainside. Let them be fierce — the bright moon lights the great river. Let them be cruel, let them be vile — I hold my breath and my true Qi is full."
The Yang energy in the air around him seemed to take on physical form — coiling like a dragon under his will.
In short order, he struck down all four Hilichurls and, as a bonus, purged the malevolent energy from their bodies entirely.
[Xiao]: This feeling...
[Skybracer (Moon-Carving, Yang-Building Adeptus)]: What extraordinary Yang energy!
[Mountainshaper (Water-Ordering, Land-Piling Adeptus)]: A cultivation mantra of remarkable profundity.
[Cloudretainer (Cloud-Keeping, Wind-Borrowing Adeptus)]: To think someone still studies the immortal arts. Truly rare! Fellow cultivator — come visit Jueyun Karst sometime!
[Xingqiu]: Whoa, actual adepti!!
[Paimon]: Adepti? Are there really adepti here?!
[Kaeya]: Legend has it that Liyue's adepti once fought alongside the Geo Archon in the wars of old. When Liyue found peace, they withdrew to the mountains and left the mortal world behind. I always thought they were just stories. Today I know the truth.
[Keqing]: Adepti — remnants of the old Liyue, nothing more. The new Liyue has no place for them on its ships.
[Zhongli]: ...
[Paimon]: Talking to adepti like that — she's as brazen as Kunikuzushi!
[Jean]: Keqing — Jade Chamber Star of the Liyue Qixing, diligent worker, masterful swordswoman, exacting in all things, deeply beloved by the people of Liyue.
[Cao Zhong]: My wife!
[Jean]: ?
[Keqing]: ??
[Ningguang]: My, Keqing — I had no idea you'd been secretly married all this time!
[Xingqiu]: @Keqing Miss Keqing, keep love in Liyue, please — I'm begging you!
[Keqing]: Cao the Scoundrel — how dare you ride roughshod over me!
At Wangshu Inn, Chongyun stared at Cao Zhong with a deeply complicated expression.
One moment this man was swearing up and down that he cared for his auntie.
The next he was publicly calling Lady Keqing his wife in the group chat.
The least you could do was wait until my back was turned.
How am I supposed to trust you with my auntie.
Cao Zhong met Chongyun's stare without a trace of embarrassment.
"Chongyun, 'scoundrel' is just my exterior — on the inside, I'm a man of profound and singular devotion. They call me the Most Devoted Man in All of Teyvat. Shenhe is safe with me. You have my word."
Chongyun: Hah. Tch.
[Paimon]: Wow, Kaeya, you know so much!
[Hu Tao]: Didn't expect Cao-boss to know immortal arts too — what a dark horse!
[Xingqiu]: @Cao Zhong Cao-boss, what does this technique actually do? Tell us!
[Cao Zhong]: Virility cultivation.
[Hu Tao]: ?
[Lumine]: ?
[Cloudretainer]: ?
[Skybracer]: I have a friend who wants to know if it actually works.
[Mountainshaper]: I also have a friend.
[Cloudretainer]: Skybracer, Mountainshaper, the two of you—
[Xiao]: I am that friend.
[Cloudretainer]: Xiao — even you—
[Kaeya]: @Cao Zhong Bro, do I have the bearing of an immortal?
[Venti]: What "bro" — this man is practically my second father!
[Bennett]: @Cao Zhong Sworn-father, sworn-father — it's little Bennett here!
[Kamisato Ayato]: @Cao Zhong My sister's contact details are—
[Kamisato Ayaka]: Brother, what are you doing?
[Kamisato Ayato]: Ayaka, wait — don't hit me, don't—
[Kamisato Ayaka]: There is no longer a place for you in this household!
[Yae Miko]: Hss— virility cultivation. The appeal to men is immense.
[Kunikuzushi]: Ridiculous. I have no need of it.
[Venti]: Uwuwuwu~~~
[Kaeya]: Venti, Venti — what's wrong again?
[Cao Zhong]: I can't hold it together~~~
[Venti]: HAHAHAHA~~~
[Kunikuzushi]: CAO!!!!!! ZHONG!!!!!!
[Hu Tao]: So, I just want to ask — is there a technique for chest enhancement? Not for me, asking for Yanfei!
[Xiangling]: Oh wow, Yanfei asked me to ask too!
[Xinyan]: You're both asking for Yanfei, so I'll ask for Yanfei as well then.
[Yanfei]: 6.
On screen, Cao Zhong had just finished dealing with the Hilichurls and was cycling his Qi to close the technique.
At that moment, a young man with ice-blue hair stepped into frame.
Chongyun.
"Big Bro, I want to learn this — can you teach me?"
Chongyun looked at Cao Zhong with barely contained hope.
Cao Zhong looked him over.
"Kid, it's not that I don't want to teach you — it's that our clan rules forbid it. This technique is passed only within the family. Not to outsiders."
With that, he turned and walked away without another glance.
Only within the family.
Chongyun's face fell. That was that, then.
"Wait — within the family. If I became part of Cao-boss's family, I wouldn't be an outsider anymore!"
"I'm brilliant!"
Chongyun's eyes lit up. He clapped his hands together and hurried after the departing Cao Zhong.
"Big Bro, I've got it — don't go yet!"
[Xingqiu]: @Chongyun Never could I have imagined — you would sacrifice your own body for a martial arts manual!! 😭😭😭
[Chongyun]: ???
[Xingqiu]: @Chongyun Remember to tell me how it goes! Love you~
[Chongyun]: Would you drop dead already!!
[Hu Tao]: I thought the friendship between Cao Zhong, Kaeya, and Venti was the most chaotic bromance in existence. I had no idea you two were out here being equally unhinged.
[Xiangling]: Liyue has been tainted!
[Yae Miko]: @Cao Zhong Can you really do this to our dear Ei-babe?
[Ei]: ?
[Yae Miko]: @Cao Zhong Make sure you wash up properly~
[Kamisato Ayaka]: ???
[Yoimiya]: The things being said in this chat — what is WRONG with you all!
[Bennett]: I understood that immediately. I am no longer the pure-hearted boy I once was.
[Cao Zhong]: @Bennett Every man has to grow up eventually. You can't stay small forever — people will lose interest.
[Ei]: At this moment — annihilation.
[Yae Miko]: Ha! Guess what — I'm not at the Grand Narukami Shrine, so you can't strike me from there~
[Ei]: #
[Kamisato Ayaka]: Guuji-sama, what are you doing hiding in my room?
[Yae Miko]: Ayaka, don't say anything—!!
[Ei]: There is nowhere to run.
[Yae Miko]: AHH!! DON'T STRIKE!! DON'T STRIKE!! I WAS WRONG, I WAS WRONG!!
[Cao Zhong]: @Kunikuzushi See that? That's what happens when you run your mouth.
[Kunikuzushi]: Drop dead!!
Back in the video.
"Look, I keep telling you — this is the Cao family's ancestral rule. Passed within, not without. There's truly nothing I can do."
On screen, Cao Zhong shook his head at the relentlessly persistent Chongyun. The kid really was a handful.
"Big Bro, hear me out — I've thought of a perfect solution. One that won't make you break your family rules, and lets me learn the Nine Yang Scripture."
Chongyun was entirely undeterred by the refusal. He pressed on with cheerful determination.
"You said it's passed within the family, not to outsiders. So all I have to do is not be an outsider!"
...This kid.
Cao Zhong stared at him, momentarily at a loss for words.
"What — you want to be my son?"
"Absolutely not." Chongyun lifted his chin with a touch of dignified pride. "But I could be your nephew."
[Xingqiu]: @Chongyun How is this any different from Kunikuzushi calling his enemy 'father'?
[Kunikuzushi]: ???
[Chongyun]: No no no — it's not like that, it's NOT like that!!
[Kaeya]: Everyone else is trying to become Cao Zhong's elder. First time I've seen someone actually trying to be his junior.
[Chongyun]: 😭😭😭
On screen, Cao Zhong flicked Chongyun on the forehead.
"Listen to what you're saying. Do I look like someone who takes advantage of people? Don't say things like that again."
"No — listen, let me explain. What I mean is — I have an auntie. Her name is Shenhe. She's a disciple of the adepti, pure and untouched by the world, and she's not yet married. I'll introduce her to you. Once you two wed, you'll be my uncle-in-law, and I'll be your nephew — and then you can pass the Nine Yang Scripture on to me. Simple, right?"
Hss.
Cao Zhong breathed in sharply.
He hadn't expected Chongyun to be willing to go this far for the Nine Yang Scripture.
[Venti]: The filial devotion. The absolute filial devotion.
[Kaeya]: I thought Kunikuzushi calling his mother names was the most unhinged thing in this chat. And then along comes Chongyun, selling his own auntie.
[Xingqiu]: @Chongyun When I once asked you to introduce your auntie to me, you nearly took my head off. Now you're just handing her over to Cao the Scoundrel — and I'm your blood brother, your dearest companion!
[Chongyun]: I...
[Cao Zhong]: @Xingqiu He treated you as a brother — and you wanted to become his uncle-in-law. Are you even human?
[Cao Zhong]: To preserve the sanctity of your friendship, I'll take the blame for this one.
[Hu Tao]: Hah. Tch.
[Shenhe]: Chongyun, you...
[Chongyun]: Auntie, I...
[Cloudretainer]: Haha — little Chongyun, you never fail to amuse. Though... my dear disciple does deserve somewhere to call home.
[Shenhe]: Shifu!!
[Xingqiu]: @Cloudretainer Honoured Adeptus, please reconsider — this Cao fellow is Teyvat's most notorious scoundrel. Why not entrust Miss Shenhe to me instead? I, Xingqiu, am the second young master of the Feiyun Commerce Guild — wealthy beyond measure, and more than capable of giving Miss Shenhe the life she deserves.
[Cloudretainer]: Hmm, well...
[A Feiyun Commerce Guild Employee Who Wishes to Remain Anonymous]: @Xingqiu Young Master — does this mean you no longer want me?
[Xingqiu]: AHHHH!! WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!
[Cao Zhong]: @Xingqiu Funny you should mention it — didn't you tell me once that a true man born into this world cannot spend his life meekly beneath others? And ask if I had any way to topple Tianquan Ningguang? As it happens, I have a plan. One that could help you vanquish your enemies and seize power over all of Liyue.
[Hu Tao]: ?
[Xiangling]: ??
[Yanfei]: ???
[Ningguang]: My, it seems Young Master Xingqiu has quite a number of grievances against me. Why not speak them aloud? I don't mind at all.
[Xingqiu]: I didn't — I never — please don't believe him!!
[Cao Zhong]: @Xingqiu What are you afraid of? Were kings and nobles born to their thrones? If Ningguang can hold the Tianquan seat, what's stopping you? Lay down your life, and you can drag the Tianquan down from her throne!
[Kamisato Ayaka]: Hss — is Liyue's political scene really this cutthroat?
[Xingqiu]: @Cao Zhong BRO. I was wrong. Please stop. I want to see tomorrow's sunrise.
[Arataki Itto]: AHHH!!!
[Kuki Shinobu]: Boss, what are you yelling about?
[Arataki Itto]: No idea, I just feel fired up!!
[Cao Zhong]: Try going up against me. Save it for your next life.