[SYSTEM INITIALIZING...]
[Loading World: Dolorosa]
[Region: Continent of Lucian]
"Welcome, Soul of Earth," the colossal, faceless entity intoned, its voice echoing like grinding gears and chiming crystal. "Your previous life has ended. Your new reality begins now. To enter Lucian, you must forge your vessel. Choose wisely. Your fate depends on it."
"Hi," Alex said, casually stuffing his hands into the pockets of his apron. "I'm Alex Spencer, but you can just call me Alex. For my class... how about Chef? I think I'd like that. And I don't really need an exclusive skill. You can drop me anywhere you like, honestly. I'm not picky."
"YOUR CHOICES ARE... UNORTHODOX," the System boomed, a golden gear halting its rotation for a fraction of a second. "NO EXCLUSIVE SKILL? CLASS: CHEF? ARE YOU CERTAIN, SOUL OF EARTH?"
"Yeah, absolutely," Alex smiled, adjusting the collar of his plain white t-shirt. "Just looking for a quiet spot to open a little eatery. Nothing too flashy."
"VERY WELL. PROCESSING REQUEST. DESTINATION: EDENIA, THE HOLY HUMAN KINGDOM. TRANSFER IN 3... 2... 1..."
[WARNING. CRITICAL ERROR.]
[MANA VEIN FLUCTUATION DETECTED.]
[REROUTING DESTINATION.]
[NEW DESTINATION: NO-MAN'S LAND. SUB-REGION: THE BLACK FOREST.]
[SURVIVAL PROBABILITY: 0.0001%]
"Wait, what was that last part?" Alex asked, blinking.
But before the System could answer, the void shattered into a million digital fragments, and Alex was falling.
Alex landed with a soft, undignified thud in a patch of glowing, vibrant blue moss. He sat up, dusting off his apron, and took a deep breath.
"Well, this is a bit humid," Alex murmured, looking around at the jagged, obsidian trees that seemed to claw at the swirling indigo sky above. "And purple mist? A bit theatrical for a neighborhood, but it definitely has a rustic charm."
[SYSTEM ALERT: YOU HAVE ENTERED THE BLACK FOREST. WARNING: S-CLASS DANGER ZONE. IMMEDIATE EVACUATION RECOMMENDED.]
"Ah, the local neighborhood watch," Alex said out loud, tapping the glowing blue interface that hovered in his peripheral vision. "Don't worry, little blue box. I'm just here to set up shop. Evacuation seems a bit dramatic. The rent here must be incredibly cheap!"
[WARNING: TOXIC MIASMA DETECTED. APPLYING BASIC NOVICE SHIELD. SHIELD WILL NOT HOLD AGAINST HIGH-LEVEL THREATS.]
"Miasma? Oh, you mean the fog," Alex chuckled, stretching his arms. "It's just morning dew. Good for the skin, probably. Now, let's see about foraging. A chef is only as good as his ingredients!"
He strolled through the terrifying, glitching woods, completely oblivious to the massive, glowing red eyes that blinked open in the shadows. He stopped by a patch of spiky, crimson weeds that pulsed with a sinister, fiery light.
"Oh, hello there," Alex cooed, crouching down. "Aren't you a beauty? Look at that color. You look like a cross between a habanero and a... well, a very angry weed."
[ITEM IDENTIFIED: HELLFIRE ROOT. GRADE: A-CLASS. WARNING: HANDLING WITHOUT FIRE-RESISTANT GAUNTLETS WILL RESULT IN THIRD-DEGREE BURNS.]
"Spicy it is, then!" Alex chirped. "I love a good kick in a salsa. Let's just pop you into the bag." He plucked the root. Due to his complete lack of magical awareness, his latent, unfocused soul energy acted as a bizarre, absolute insulator. He felt a mild warmth, like a hand warmer. "Perfect. A bit warm, but very fresh."
A low, rumbling growl echoed from the obsidian brush to his left.
Alex stood up, dusting his knees. "Hello? Is someone there? If you're the health inspector, I literally just got here. Give a guy a minute to set up a sink!"
The bushes parted. A creature stepped out. It was roughly the size of a large mastiff, but covered in jagged, obsidian-like scales. Flames licked its paws, and smoke billowed from its nostrils. It was an A-Class Infernal Flame Cub, a beast that could incinerate a platoon of armored knights with a single sneeze.
"Grrrrrrr..." the cub snarled, bearing fangs that glowed like molten iron.
"Oh. My. Goodness," Alex gasped, dropping his bundle of Hellfire Roots.
The cub prepared to pounce, gathering infernal energy in its throat.
"You are the absolute cutest puppy I have ever seen in my entire life!" Alex squealed, dropping to his knees and opening his arms wide.
The cub paused, its fiery breath catching in its throat. It blinked, confused by the lack of fear.
"R-Roar?" the cub tried, letting out a small burst of fire that singed the edge of Alex's apron.
"Aww, look at you!" Alex laughed, completely ignoring the fire. "You've got a little static electricity going on! Are you a stray? Who left a precious little spicy puppy out here in the misty woods?"
[WARNING: A-CLASS INFERNAL FLAME CUB DETECTED. DO NOT ENGAGE. LETHAL FORCE IMMINENT.]
"Oh, hush, you annoying little pop-up ad," Alex swiped his hand through the System interface, dismissing it. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a strip of beef jerky he'd had on him when he died. "Here, buddy. You look hungry. Your ribs are practically showing under all those... rocks? Scales? Very unique coat you have there."
The cub sniffed the air. The scent of processed, earthly beef jerky hit its highly sensitive, magical nostrils. It was a flavor profile entirely alien to Dolorosa. The beast's eyes widened.
"Come here, little guy. It's okay. I'm Alex," he coaxed in a soft, melodic voice. "I'm going to be opening a restaurant right around here. You can be my official taste tester. How does that sound?"
The cub tentatively took a step forward, the flames on its paws dimming slightly. It sniffed the jerky, then gently took it from Alex's hand, swallowing it whole.
"There you go!" Alex beamed, reaching out and vigorously scratching the cub behind its scaled ears.
To the absolute horror of the System, the A-Class beast melted into the touch, letting out a sound that was half-purr, half-volcanic eruption.
"Who's a good boy?" Alex chanted. "You are! Yes, you are! I'm going to call you Fluffy. Because you are the opposite of fluffy, and I appreciate irony."
"Ruff," Fluffy agreed, leaning his heavy, dangerously hot head against Alex's thigh.
"Alright, Fluffy," Alex said, clapping his hands together. "If we're going to build a restaurant, we need a reliable supply chain. Let's find some construction materials and maybe a few more farm animals. A chef needs butter, and for butter, we need a cow."
[SYSTEM ERROR. LOGIC PROTOCOLS FAILING. ENTITY 'ALEX SPENCER' HAS TAMED AN APEX PREDATOR WITH PROCESSED MEAT SNACKS.]
"Keep up, System!" Alex called out to the empty air. "We've got a lot of work to do before the dinner rush!"
Two days later, the "farm" was beginning to take shape.
Alex stood back, hands on his hips, admiring the crooked, slightly charred wooden fence he had constructed using fallen obsidian branches. Inside the enclosure stood the most terrifying collection of fauna in the Black Forest.
"Okay, let's go over the ground rules," Alex said, pacing in front of the fence like a drill sergeant.
Behind the fence, a massive, muscular beast with three jagged horns and eyes that crackled with lightning chewed lazily on a piece of glowing purple grass. Next to it, a flock of birds with feathers made of literal, flickering fire pecked at the ground.
"Bessie," Alex pointed to the three-horned A-Class Thunder-Bull, completely misgendering and misclassifying the creature. "I need milk. I know you're a bit defensive, and the static shocks when I try to milk you are a bit much, but we need to compromise. How about I give you extra Hellfire Roots, and you stop trying to gore me through the chest?"
"Mooo-CRACKLE!" Bessie snorted, a bolt of blue lightning arcing from its horns into the dirt.
"I'll take that as a yes," Alex nodded sagely. "Good girl. Now, as for you ladies..." He turned his attention to the B-Class Fire Chickens. "The eggs you laid this morning were practically hard-boiled before they even hit the nest. I appreciate the efficiency, truly, I do. But a chef needs raw eggs for baking. Can we tone down the internal body heat? Just a smidge?"
The lead Fire Chicken clucked, a small puff of smoke escaping its beak.
"Bok-bok-hiss!"
"Look, I know it's chilly out here with the purple fog and all," Alex negotiated, leaning on the fence. "But if you give me regular eggs, I'll build you a heated coop. Deal?"
Fluffy the Infernal Cub trotted up next to Alex, sitting back on his haunches and barking eagerly at the chickens. The chickens immediately shrank back, their flames dimming in submission to the apex predator.
"Ah, ah, ah, Fluffy! No threatening the livestock," Alex scolded, pointing a finger at the cub. "We are a team. We are a family. We do not eat our co-workers."
"Whimper," Fluffy whined, his molten eyes looking up at Alex apologetically.
"It's okay, buddy. I know you're just trying to help," Alex smiled, petting the cub's head. "Now, come on. We need to check on the garden. I'm very excited about the salad bar."
Alex walked toward the back of the clearing, where he had tilled a large patch of dark, nutrient-rich soil. He had planted several seeds he found scattered near the dungeon rifts—seeds that glowed with a sickly, neon light.
As he approached, the ground began to tremble.
"Oh, look!" Alex clapped his hands excitedly. "They're sprouting! They grow so fast in this climate!"
Bursting from the soil were massive, thick green vines covered in sharp thorns. At the top of each vine bloomed a gigantic, purple flower with petals that looked suspiciously like razor-sharp teeth. Dripping from the center of the flowers was a highly acidic, glowing green saliva.
They were S-Class Devourer Lilies, known to swallow entire adventuring parties whole.
"Wow," Alex breathed, his eyes wide with genuine admiration. "Look at the size of those cabbages! Or are they artichokes? The System really knows how to design a vegetable."
The largest of the Devourer Lilies snapped its jaws, lunging toward Alex's face.
Without missing a beat, Alex pulled a rolled-up newspaper out of his back pocket—an item he had brought from Earth—and smacked the massive, terrifying plant firmly on its snout-like bud.
"No!" Alex said sharply. "Bad cabbage! We do not bite the chef!"
The S-Class monster recoiled, letting out a high-pitched, leafy hiss of confusion. It had never been swatted with a newspaper before. It didn't know how to process the sheer audacity.
"Listen to me, all of you," Alex addressed the patch of man-eating plants, placing his hands on his hips. "You are going to be the centerpiece of my signature house salad. You need to be crisp, you need to be fresh, and you absolutely cannot eat the customers. If you behave, I will water you with the finest spring water. If you don't, you're going into the soup. Do we understand each other?"
The plants swayed in the non-existent breeze, their jaws snapping weakly, completely subdued by the sheer confidence of this clueless human.
[SYSTEM ALERT: MULTIPLE S-CLASS FLORA ENTITIES TAMED. INCOMPREHENSIBLE. RECALIBRATING...]
"You recalibrate all you want, buddy," Alex laughed, talking to the floating text box. "I think things are coming along swimmingly. We have dairy, we have poultry, we have a guard dog, and we have fresh greens."
He turned around, looking at the small, half-finished wooden shack he had built using an ax he'd found on the ground (which was actually a cursed executioner's battleaxe, but it chopped wood just fine).
"Fluffy, come here," Alex called out.
The Infernal Cub trotted over, its tail wagging and leaving a trail of scorched earth behind it.
"Look at that," Alex sighed happily, gesturing to the shack. "It's small now, sure. But I can see it. 'Alex's Black Forest Cafe'. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"
Fluffy barked, a small fireball shooting into the sky.
"Exactly!" Alex agreed. "We just need a sign. And maybe a front door. And some tables. And plates. Okay, we need a lot of things. But we have the foundation!"
Alex walked over to the makeshift patio area, sitting down on a large, flat rock. He pulled out a notebook and a pen from his apron.
"Okay, let's talk menu," Alex muttered to himself, clicking the pen. "If I use the Hellfire Roots with the Thunder-Bull milk, I might get a really nice, spicy cheese. A pepper jack, maybe? No, a thunder-jack!"
"Moo," Bessie called out from the pen.
"Don't worry, Bessie, I'll make sure to pasteurize it," Alex reassured the three-horned beast. "And the eggs from the fire chickens... I wonder if they stay warm on their own? Could be great for a breakfast soufflé that never deflates."
He scribbled furiously in his notebook, completely at peace. Around him, the Black Forest continued to pulse with dark magic, monstrous roars echoing in the distance. Dungeons leaked purple mist just miles away, and ancient, corrupted spirits roamed the trees.
Yet, in this small clearing, an S-Class plant was trying to look as appetizing as possible, a Thunder-Bull was patiently waiting for a snack, and an Infernal Flame Cub was sleeping on the chef's feet.
"You know, System," Alex said softly, looking up at the swirling indigo sky and the bronze gear moon. "You gave me exactly what I wanted. A quiet, peaceful place to cook."
[...ERROR. DOES NOT COMPUTE. END OF CHAPTER LOG.]
Alex chuckled, closing his notebook. "You're a weird little AI, you know that? But I like you. Tomorrow, we start building the kitchen. I just hope we get some customers soon. It's going to be hard to run a restaurant without anyone to eat the food."
He patted Fluffy's head, entirely unaware that no human in their right mind had stepped foot in the Black Forest in over three hundred years.
"Well, if you build it, they will come," Alex smiled, leaning back against the cursed battleaxe. "That's what they say, right?"