The system notification hovered in my peripheral vision, translucent and glowing with an insistent blue pulse.
[MULTIVERSAL SELF CHAT]
[System Notice: 2 New Members Have Joined the Channel.]
[Bayonetta - Online]
[Samus Aran - Online]
I stared at the names, my mental jaw dropping.
Bayonetta? As in the Umbra Witch? Back in my old life, I'd never actually bought her games. The covers alone were... well, vivid was putting it mildly. A bit too spicy to play on the living room TV when your mom worked erratic shifts and could walk through the front door at any second. I only really knew her moveset because she'd terrorized half the online lobbies in Super Smash Bros. with her ridiculous combos and Witch Time.
And then there was Samus Aran. Now that was someone I actually respected. I'd sunk dozens of hours into Metroid titles growing up, blasting space pirates and navigating dark alien caverns.
The screen flickered as the two new arrivals immediately checked out the interface. Neither of them bothered putting on some dramatic front—they saw the roster names, recognized the soul signature, and talked exactly like the tired Japanese guy we used to be.
[Bayonetta: A group chat?]
[Samus Aran: ...Are you serious? Another version of me?]
[Bayonetta: Do you have any idea how hard it is to walk down stairs without accidentally shooting the floor?]
[Samus Aran: Try being welded into a power armor on a hostile rock. I can't even scratch my nose. At least you have normal clothes.]
[Bayonetta: 'Normal'? My outfit is made of my own hair! It's drafty as hell. Who even designed this?!]
A cold spike of dread shot through my spine. If they realized I was the lone male version of us, the chat would degenerate into another unhinged cross-dimensional hostage negotiation before I could even explain myself.
I slammed the mental interface shut before either of them could notice I was online.
"I'll deal with that crisis later," I muttered under my breath, exhaling a quiet sigh.
"Katsuya!"
A sharp, breathless gasp dragged me straight out of my thoughts.
I blinked, looking up to find Pyrrha standing directly in front of me. Her face was blazing crimson, the deep red spreading all the way to the tips of her ears. She held her red sash slightly outward as if trying to physically block the rest of the girls from seeing me.
"Pyrrha?" I asked, tilting my head. "What's wrong?"
"What's wrong?!" she hissed in an octave far higher than her usual regal composure, quickly glancing over both shoulders to glare daggers at a cluster of female students who were staring in our direction. "Katsuya, what are you doing?! Your uniform! You—you practically tried to strip right in the middle of Combat Training!"
"I didn't try to strip," I explained.
"I just felt humid because of doing stretches. The uniform was feeling pretty tight after lunch, so I let some air in."
"That is—that is not an excuse!" Pyrrha stammered, her hands trembling slightly as she gestured vaguely at my collarbone before abruptly averting her eyes to preserve my modesty. "You can't just expose your chest so casually in public! Do you have any idea how provocative that is?! You need to be more careful with yourself!"
"Alright, alright, I'll button it back up," I chuckled, pulling the edges of the stiff Beacon uniform shirt together.
I took a breath and forced the fabric across my midsection, lining up the buttons. But my stomach was still completely distended from lunch—packed to the brim after Ruby, Pyrrha, Nora, Yang, and Blake had all taken turns shoving forkfuls of seasoned meat into my mouth. The reinforced fabric strained violently against the bloat.
Creak.
I shoved the middle button into its hole.
SNAP.
The thread gave out like a snapped bowstring. The heavy brass button rocketed off my shirt like a bullet, whistling through the air with lethal velocity.
At that exact second, the heavy doors of the training hall slid open.
"Hey, guys! Did we miss—"
CLINK.
The button domed Ruby Rose squarely between the eyes.
Her sentence died in her throat. Her silver eyes rolled up into her skull, her limbs went completely rigid, and she tipped backward like a felled tree, hitting the floor with a clean, hollow thud.
The hall went dead silent.
I looked down at the gap in my shirt, then raised a hand and slapped my belly.
THWACK.
Pyrrha shrieked, waving her hands frantically. "Katsuya! Stop that! Cover yourself! And you just knocked out Ruby with your clothing!"
I leaned back against the wall, rubbing my rounded belly slowly... like a certain pirate character.
"It was so good~"
Pyrrha clutched her head, looking torn between scolding me into the next kingdom and melting from sheer exasperation.
Seeing her genuine distress, I dropped the teasing act and smoothed down the front of my jacket to cover the missing button. "I'm sorry, Pyrrha. I didn't mean to cause a scene. Tell you what—to make it up to you, I'll do one favor for you. Anything within my power."
Pyrrha froze mid-breath. Her green eyes widened in utter disbelief.
"Katsuya... you shouldn't make promises like that," she whispered, her voice dropping into a frantic, hushed panic. "A man should never offer a blank favor to a woman so recklessly! What if someone took advantage of you?!"
I couldn't help but chuckle, stepping half a pace closer. "I wouldn't make that promised to just anyone, Pyrrha. But I trust you."
THUMP.
The invisible blow landed squarely against her ribs. Pyrrha clutched both hands over her chestplate, swaying on her feet as a breathless wheeze escaped her throat.
Pyrrha swallowed hard, virtue waging a violent war against an overwhelming craving for affection. Her hands clenched her sash until her knuckles turned white.
"A... a lap pillow," she mumbled, so quietly I almost missed it.
I blinked. "A lap pillow?"
She looked ready to combust, but nodded stiffly. "Yes. Just... to rest my head. If you're comfortable with it!"
"Sure," I said easily.
I walked over to the edge of the sparring mats, sitting down flat on the padded floor and extending my legs. I patted my thighs, smiling up at her. "Right now works. Class hasn't officially started yet."
Pyrrha stood frozen for three seconds, then carefully knelt down. With trembling hesitation, she leaned back, letting the back of her head rest against my thighs.
She was stiff as an iron board, staring straight up at the ceiling, her breathing shallow and fast.
"You need to relax," I murmured softly.
Reaching down, I gently threaded my fingers through the loose strands of her crimson hair, lightly stroking her scalp in a steady, calming rhythm.
It did not calm her down.
The moment my fingertips brushed behind her ear, Pyrrha's pupils dilated. Her heart hammered against her armor so violently the metal gave a faint rattle. A deep, feverish crimson washed over her cheeks, darkening until it reached her neck.
Then, a tiny trickle of bright red dripped from her left nostril.
I paused my hand mid-stroke, my eyes widening. "Pyrrha? You're bleeding. Hey, should we stop? Let's get you sitting up—"
"Do not move."
Her voice was barely a whisper, but it carried the absolute, unyielding authority of a four-time tournament champion. Her hands snapped up, gripping the fabric of my trousers with the strength of an industrial clamp, pinning herself firmly in place.
"Pyrrha, your nose is—"
"I said do not move a single muscle, Katsuya." she wheezed, her eyes glazed over in sheer, transcendent euphoria as the trickle of blood lengthened.
"Pyrrha, you're being ridiculous. We can do this another time, just let me get a tissue and we'll take care of your nose—"
Before I could finish pulling a handkerchief from my pocket, Pyrrha's grip went limp. Her green eyes rolled back, a blissful, serene smile locked onto her face, and her head tilted sideways against my knee.
She had completely passed out from sensory overload.
"Pyrrha?!" I sighed, quickly pressing the cloth against her nose to stem the leak. "Man, you really have zero stamina for this..."
A shadow suddenly fell over my lap.
I looked up.
Nora Valkyrie was crouched at the edge of the mat, her chin resting on her folded hands, blue eyes sparkling with terrifying, predatory delight as she looked down at Pyrrha's unconscious form.
Slowly, Nora pointed a finger toward my empty thigh.
"My turn," Nora beamed. "Can I have a lap pillow too?!"
"Why do you want one, Nora?" I asked, looking down at her while keeping the handkerchief pressed against Pyrrha's nose. "My legs are already losing circulation here."
Nora puffed out her cheeks, crossing her arms. "Because it's totally unfair! Just because Pyrrha is your partner, she gets to be all lovey-dovey with a guy while I get nothing! I want one too!"
I looked at her, then down at Pyrrha, and let out a quiet sigh. Arguing with Nora was a losing battle.
"Fine," I said, patting my free left thigh. "Just take it easy."
Nora grinned, immediately dropping down and resting the back of her head on my leg. She shifted around for a second to get comfortable, then let out a relaxed sigh.
"Oh, wow," Nora murmured, closing her eyes. "This is actually really nice. Way softer than Ren's knees."
"Glad you approve," I muttered.
Before I could adjust, footsteps approached across the gym floor.
"What's going on over here?"
I looked up to see Yang walking over, hands on her hips, looking amused as she took in the sight of Pyrrha unconscious on one side and Nora lounging on the other.
"Katsuya's giving out lap pillows!" Nora chimed in without opening her eyes.
Yang raised an eyebrow, a grin spreading across her face. "Really? Mind if I get one too?"
"Wait, I don't really have room—" I started.
"Sure, hop in! Plenty of space!" Nora volunteered instantly.
I shot Nora a look, but she was already ignoring me. Knowing there was no stopping it, I just accepted my fate with a quiet groan.
Yang chuckled and dropped onto the mat right in front of me, leaning back so her head rested against my lap between my knees.
I sat back, keeping my hands carefully away from her. I knew how protective she was of her hair, so I deliberately kept my hands resting on the floor beside me, making sure not to brush against a single golden strand.
A few seconds passed before Yang looked up at me upside down, an eyebrow raised. "Hey, what gives?"
"What?" I asked.
"Aren't you going to play with my hair?" she asked.
I blinked, caught off guard. "I thought you hated people touching your hair. I figured I'd get punched if I even got close to it."
Yang laughed, shaking her head. "Normally, yeah. But having a guy as hot as you run his hands through it? Hell yeah, I'm down! Go for it."
I stared at her for a second, surprised by how upfront she was about it, but shrugged. "Alright. If you say so."
I reached down and ran my fingers through her hair. It was thick, soft, and surprisingly well-kept. I combed through the strands gently, stroking the crown of her head in a steady, slow rhythm. Yang let out a pleased hum, closing her eyes and relaxing completely against my legs.
Over by the entrance doors, a faint groan cut through the quiet room.
Ruby was finally pushing herself up from the floor, rubbing the red mark between her eyes where my stray button had caught her. She blinked a couple of times, shaking off the hit, and looked across the room.
Her eyes landed squarely on us.
Pyrrha out cold with a tissue in her nose, Nora napping, and Yang lying happily across my lap while I stroked her hair.
Ruby's jaw dropped.
A trail of rose petals whipped across the floor as Ruby zipped across the hall in a blur. Before Yang even knew what was happening, Ruby grabbed her from behind by the shoulders, hoisted her off my lap, and slammed her into the mat with a clean, brutal suplex.
THUD.
Yang's breath left her in a sharp wheeze as she hit the floor.
Ruby immediately scrambled upright, smoothed down her skirt, and cleared her throat with an awkward cough.
"Ahem," Ruby squeaked, "So... what's going on here?"
Before anyone could answer, the sharp snap of a riding crop against a hard surface echoed across the training hall.
Professor Goodwitch stepped onto the floor, adjusting her glasses as she glared down at the mess of tangled students on the mat.
"That is enough foolishness," Glynda said coldly. "Class is starting. To your stations, now."