It had been roughly fifteen minutes since I left the house, my footsteps heavy and reluctant following the manager's threatening phone call.
"ššØš©...."
I was currently sprawled across a park bench like a vagrant, nursing a growing sense of misery.
...No, it's not like I had planned to skip work from the start, okay? I was actually walking along, telling myself that since it had come to this, I might as well give it my best effort. But halfway there, I ran into an insurmountable obstacle.
"What's that?" a passerby muttered. Reflexively, I turned my headāand caught sight of a dead cat lying in the middle of the road.
To the version of me from a few days ago, this wouldn't have been a problem. But having spent far longer than usual staring into the face of death to procure enough meat for Eto, the stress had finally come back to haunt me with a vengeance.
"ššØš©...!!!"
The mere sight of a feline corpse triggered a full-blown panic attack. My breath hitched, and a cold sweat broke out alongside a wave of dizziness. Even though I was standing still, I felt the sickening, rolling motion of being on a ship for too long.
Reflexively, I reached into my pocket for my anti-anxiety meds, but my hand froze before I could take a pill. Using them would clear the anxiety for a while, but I couldn't forget the risk. Even if they were for treatment, these drugs were close to narcotics. Overuse would lead to dependency, and there was no telling what kind of permanent damage they'd do to my body.
Furthermore, I had already taken two pills during the early hours while harvesting the corpse. When the doctor prescribed them, he warned me the limit was one per day. But I had been suffering from this disorder for a long time. My tolerance had built up to the point where a single pill could no longer suppress a major seizure.
So, I'd used two. But when I did, the effect was sometimes so potent it triggered hallucinations, which had nearly scared the life out of me several times.
Ultimately, I had no choice but to wait for the attack to subside on its own. I looked for a place to rest and headed toward the park. I found a suitable bench and lay down, leading me to my current state. The resident vagrant, who likely considered this bench his own, was giving me a piercing look. I'm sorry. I'll be out of your way in just a moment...
"...I really am pathetic."
As the panic subsided, a hollow self-loathing rushed in to fill the void. I wasn't entirely sure what I was loathing. I just felt incredibly small in this moment, and that made me despise myself.
Maybe it was the fact that I was trembling over a dead cat. Or maybe it was the realization that I was so powerless I had to ruin my own body just to provide for Eto. If only I had more money, if only I knew more about ghouls, if only I had the 'strength' to keep Eto safe...
I searched for what I lacked, trying to find a reason for this hatred, but I realized those were only pieces of a much larger puzzle.
"Dammit...."
A curse escaped my lips at the problem that seemed to have no answer. Realizing that the curse was also directed at myself only made me feel more depressed.
I moved my arm from my eyes and looked up at the cloudy sky. If the clouds grew any thicker, it would surely rain, but for now, they provided a welcome shield against the blinding sunlight, allowing me to glimpse the blue beyond.
ššš¢š±.
A single bird cut across the sky. A pigeon? No, it was too large for a pigeon. Its silhouette was entirely different...
That was...
"...An owl?"
An owl was an odd sight for a forest of skyscrapers. I felt as if I had seen it before.
Then, a plastic bottle of water entered my field of vision, obscuring the bird. What? Is the homeless man giving this to me because I look like I'm struggling?
"Ah, thank you."
Accepting the bottle, I offered my thanks and pushed myself up, turning to look at the person beside me.
A black coat entirely unsuited for the summer heat, and a fedora pulled low over his brow. It wasn't the homeless man.
I recognized him instantly. He had more wrinkles than the last time we met, and his hair had turned more silver, but there was no mistaking him.
"...You've aged quite a bit, Mr. Kuzen."
"And you've grown thin since I last saw you, Koma."
It was Eto's biological father, Mr. Kuzen.
"Has it been three years since we last saw each other's faces?"
"Something like that. Something came up back then, so we only had a minute or two."
"It was a shame. You left without even getting a good look at Eto."
We sat side-by-side on the bench, exchanging words. The vagrant who had been eyeing the bench earlier took one look at Kuzen's sharp, piercing gaze and vanished of his own accord. It wasn't intentional, but I felt a bit bad for him.
"How is the business with the 'Organization'?"
"I am nearing the end of it. I am currently on my way back from eliminating several key members of the strike team that was pursuing me."
I see. So that's why.
I looked toward the inside of Mr. Kuzen's coat. Through a gap, I caught a glimpse of his hand pressing against a wound, accompanied by the faint, metallic scent of blood.
"Is it a serious injury?"
"It is nothing. For a ghoul, a wound of this caliber heals quickly."
"You say that, but you look incredibly tired."
"I don't think you're in any position to talk."
"...Is it that obvious?"
"You look as though you might collapse and be hauled away at any moment."
Dammit. Eto had been suspicious, but I thought I'd hidden it well enough to fool Hitokawa. I suppose you can't trick a man with that much experience.
"...Is providing for Eto's 'meals' proving difficult?" Mr. Kuzen asked cautiously.
"Well... ...A little."
"I see...."
"But it's fine. I can still manage."
"By relying on medication?"
šš©... I swallowed a groan. How did he know? Ah, he must have spotted me when I was looking at the cat. He had seen me debating whether or not to take the pill. I considered claiming it was just a vitamin, but I decided against it. I could fool Hitokawa or others, but lying to this man was a waste of breath.
"...It's a bit dangerous, they say."
"...."
"The doctor said he doesn't know where the psychological stress is coming from, but told me to stop immediately. He said if I don't, it'll get so bad I won't even be able to function in daily life."
"...Koma."
"But."
Mr. Kuzen started to speak with a heavy tone, but I could guess what he was going to say without him having to finish. I cut him off and continued.
"I can still raise Eto."
"...There is no need. My business with the 'Organization' only has the loose ends remainingā"
"If that were true, you wouldn't be meeting me on the street covered in wounds. You would have walked through my front door in perfect health."
I gave him a playful, triumphant grin, as if I'd scored a point. Look here, Mr. Kuzen. Do you really not know me? I can't fool you, but you can't fool me either.
"There are still dangerous 'variables' left, aren't there? Variables that could swallow both you and Eto in one gulp... That's why you haven't been able to visit her properly in five years."
"...But at this rate, you will..."
"Ah, I've been wondering for a long time.... About Ukina."
Ukina. Mr. Kuzen's wife, and Eto's biological mother. The human woman who had accepted Kuzen despite him being a ghoul.
"You said a child can't be born between a ghoul and a human, right? Because the fetus can't get nutrients. ...What did Ukina do?"
"...You know there is only one source of nutrition for a ghoul."
"Right? Then I can do it, too."
"Koma..."
I patted the shoulder of Mr. Kuzen, who was still unable to cast aside the shadows on his face.
"Have some faith. These are the words of the nephew of the woman you loved."
"...."
Mr. Kuzen stood up without another word. He walked a few paces, then spoke with his back to me.
"You are certainly like Ukina. ...But you are not as strong as she was."
"šš®š®š®š®~ I suppose that's a fair point. If she was the sunlight, I'm the moonlight at best."
"So, I ask of you."
Mr. Kuzen walked away, his black coat fluttering in the wind. He left behind a single, murmured sentence.
"...Do not die."
"I'll keep it in mind."
I waved goodbye to Mr. Kuzen. Looking up, the owl that had been cutting through the forest of buildings was gone. When I looked back down, Mr. Kuzen had also vanished.
"Well then... shall I get going?"
The panic attack had subsided. I stood up, stretched, and resumed my walk.