"It is not going to be easy; you will need a release at some point in your life . The choice between tears and sweat will make all the difference;"
This week has been a crazy ride.By the way ,Isucceeded in completing and performing another song for the album last night.
Sunday ,yes , the day has arrived when uncle Ricky is finally taking me to the school.
It is like one of the days when you can't sleep for the anxiety of not waking up on time the next day.
I am wide awake before even the sun has come up ,looking at the clock as each second passes by. As I get ready and I am about to leave at 8Am sharp, Shanya another occupant of the PG who I have befriended,knocks at my door.
'It's a little cold during the nights now,'
'Yeah! When you're near the sand you feel the heart during the day and cold during the night.'
'Actually, I need your help.I feel a little scared going to the store room alone. And I can't sleep because the blanket in my room is worthless.Mine is in the trolley I have kept there.'
My gaze falls upon a chest of drawers on which an old chart paper is placed with 'Lost and Found' hand-written on it. I feel instantly attracted to it and move towards it.
I scan through the drawers one by one. I stumble upon a folder labelled Room 20.
That's exactly the room I'm living in! I pick up the folder out of curiosity and run through the documents placed it .
Much to my amazement, it contains some half-torn papers on which songs are scribbled.
I instantly recognise it is as my mother's handwriting. This is unbelievable. While most of the papers have grown Dark yellow and are no longer legible,I recognise a logo an one of the pages. It reads 'Guardian Angles Home.'
It's the same orphanage that Parvathi's mother works at. She has mentioned it t me quite a few times now.
'Sofia said the other day that I remind her of someone.Look here. This folder is full of my mother's documents.
' I accidentally found it in the attic.'
'This is very abrupt. You can't just enter and mess with things. She is old, she has Alzheimer's. She needs time to recall anything even if she has a connection to any of it.'
"Are you guys taking drugs at Maria? That's one of the most stupid places here in Goa. I can see the impact on you . After performing there you have lost your sanity,"
'Yes please keep it secret.'
I don't want to a fall under the local media's attention.' I suddenly realise that a lot of people know the truth now.
"Parvathi snatches the folder from me and opens it."
She goes through the pages.'Hey, this is the same orphanage where my mother works!
'Calm down, we're together in this,' Aarav says, thereby easing the vibe.
'What would Elisha answer?
Do you guys know? I will tell you. She would say, to have some people in life one can make fun of. Don't judge her. We were in high school . She literally scared an entire class with a serial killer mask . She never got caught. You all know her as the dark and intense singer she was. But she wasn't that always. When I look back at our childhood, I remember her as a serious trouble maker.'
'With our weekend performance'
Elisha and I would make just enough pocket money to be able to afford our basic college expenses.
'I would buy some cigar like the British tourists for my teenage fixation to look cool and she would buy some new dresses for her next performance.'
She was so stylish and charming that people would fall for her even before listening to her melodious voice.
And once they'd been held captive by her voice they would often return the next weekend with a couple more people. She was equally loved among the locals and the tourists.
'The pain of parting with anyone is immense.'
But life is more about how you look at it than how it really is ! She smiles.
'I lost my family at the age of 5. I have been sold for trade multiple times. I still feel the pain but I can do nothing about it. Life is like that arrogant dj who wouldn't take requests but play his own music. All you can do is wait till he plays your song and enjoy it while it lasts.'
"I know that you feel broken."
"But love is the only thing that can heal whatever is broken the dreams or the heart."
I kept running away from people who loved me but eventually found comfort only in returning.
'What's the kind of love that heals? I'm sure I have my experienced it.'
'Or wait . Have you? If you've helped a speciallly-abled person cross the road and his/her smile seemed to make your day,yes you have !'
The kind of love that heals is selfless. This is what uncle Ricky does all the time. Add value to the lives of others around him.
'We must visit the orphanage as well. Parvathi can guide us.'
'Yes, makes sense.'
'Will you promise me something,alarms?'
'Yes'
'We would give it our best try.'
We may or may not find her. But you'll accept the reality that we discover, whatever it may be.'
'It's hard to commit. But I will give it my best effort.'
'Be ready at 10AM tomorrow.'
'Why?'
'I am taking you t your mother's secret hideaway.'
'How do you know about it to me .'
'Ricky mentioned it To me .'
'I will ask Parvathi to join us . We can fix up a day visit to the orphanage.'
'Okay!'
'See you tomorrow.'
After Aarav leaves, the only thing I want to do is to call up my dad and ask him if he has any idea whether mom left Czech. But calling him will only interrupt my search, I fear, in case he has something to do with her disappearance.
I keep tossing and turning in bed. I take a break and write asking for my next performance. After much effort spent in trying to sleep, I head to the shower.
'Dreams hurt. Fears thwart. Obsession take control'
"But love, the kind that Aarav was talking about,'
"When the love is sexual, there's a relationship, with a defined beginning and end."
" For the desire eventually fades away, it not disappears completely. But in love devoid of alll expectations, every day is a new beginning."
" Every fall is a new spring! This love isn't a destination;it's more like a journey."
"It's beyond bodies, yours and mine. It's the light of the soul.
"Lying naked next to someone, I could have felt incomplete."
" But as I sit naked beneath this flowing shower—hurt, vulnerable, and all the by myself -I feel full of light and love.I strangely feel complete."
2 PASSION AND PURPOSE
"They try to break me. Again and again. I don't give up , I rise , again and again."
'I wake up to a notification of 10 rupees being spilt on splitwise.'
'All the best!' Uncle Ricky calls me up at 8am in the morning.'
'Thankyou!'
'I am sure you will rock.'
' I feel so too!'
'Are you not upset about coming to Ricky's tonight?'
' I am more upset about not seeing Amara.'
'I'm glad you're taking interest. They say only a new girl can make you forget the old one.'
' I have work , I hang up on him.'
Alara feels like my Elisha! The other day , alara told me to write about almost anything that I feel.
I used to do it earlier as well , but now I am much more sincere. I don't want to let anyone down during my next performance.
I scribble in my diary:
"Dear future me ,"
"You were their shadow until the day
You looked into the window
And discovered the warrior within."
I make it to the office just in time. I press the elevator button a couple of times only to realize that none of the three are working!
'What happens when the lift at your 11-floor building does not work?'
Snaps , lakshay as he reaches 5 minutes after me.
"You get to know how fit you are!' I say almost as an impulse."
"Your jokes are getting better!'
" I'm perfo in Pune tonight.'
"I know ."
The month I joined HSBC, lakshay had sponsored a formal dinner for us on account of his promotion.
The team was invited to colorin, the restaurant I was mentioning the other day. I heard one of the team members say , 'I don't want to go back to the same old cubicle.
I want to start a company
'I moved towards him with a fancy of a child towards balloons. He was speaking with four other teammates.'
'I stood there to start a co as he declared'
Start-ups are all the rage now. They are encompassing the Indian landscape like nothing has ever before. Not that compan did not exist before . They did. But it is different now!'
Everyone, including me , nodded.
He quipped, 'I am apprehensive about starting a conversation with non -IITians.
I believe there is nothing in common to talk about.
I replied, ' Try me then .' As I did not approve of such prejudice. He said ,
'Chill! Don't get mad at me.'
We laughed. This is how it all started.
' The probability of getting what we want during the placement is bleak.
We're made to apply to every company. The funniest part is,
"We map our skills to the profile being offered and not hunt for the profile that matches our skills"
"It happens back in IIT too!' We share a sarcastic laugh"
'My parents want me to have a job.'
Stand-up comedy is par time . My dad is retiring soon, you know!'
'Maybe. You can write a sc on the plight of middle-class Indians. So many pe will be able to relate to it . Even I can.'
On reaching , a volunteer guides me to the green room. I find three other stand-ups sitting there as I enter.
They aren't really speaking to each other. Sandeep and Ankush know each other, while Ruchi ,the only woman stand-up , is being ignored on purpose. They give cold response to my over-enthusiastic hellos.
'You go first,' the volunteer tells me, ' next is yours,'
He tells Ruchi ,then you' he pints to Ankush. We nod . 'You're the showstopper,' he tells Sandeep.
Sandeep says to the volunteer, 'the coffee tastes like shit . Can you get me some warm water , please ?'
'Okay ,' he nods and leaves.'
'They aren't even punctual,' Ankush adds.'
Ruchi, meanwhile, is busy rehearsing. I take my diary out and scribble:
"They try to break me.
Again and again.
I don't give up, I rise,
Again and again."
'As the light over the audience dims and a spotlight moves over me.'
I am reminded of alara, not Tara.it feels as if she is standing in the crowd and is asking me to give my best. It is comforting in a good way. I smile, then I start;
And lazy people in the crowd?
The crowd goes 'wohooo' and almost 20 people raise their hands.
"Oh. Ugh… you guys have too much energy to be called lazy. Shame on you. You disgust me. Booo boo . Haha
Shame ( there is a sound of a going behind me.)
( The gong sounds.)
Shame! ( and again.)
"I am legitimately lazy."
I can even get that notarized. I don't work or even move if it's not important. I would not have come here .
If I hadn't lost a toss to uncle Ricky. Cheers to him, he is my mentor. The crowd breaks into whispers.
"This is not even a phase of life. It's just me . Like in college, I could have topped my math classes. But I got straight because I wrote exactly enough to pass and not a sentence more."
I could have been some big shot corporate suit by now. But that's too much work. Life fuck that, I would prefer being poor but satisfied.
'Boss is very encouraging of my stand-up acts. It's my family that wants me to be at the bank.'
"The problem with the world is that they want to see the results too soon."
"Good things take time to work,so sit back, relax,and have faith."
"When life hits you hard,you can always hit back harder."
"The idea is to build and nurture a community that cares, respects, and loves each one. We are not here to fight or compete against each other."
"We must learn to grow as a community, help others to achieve goals."
3. THANK GOD OF EVERY DAY
"When your heart breaks, every passing day,it opens you to new possibilities, often helping you emerge as the best version of you."
" sheen has this habit of chalking out of the thought of the day on the black board placed in front of Ricky's."
She finds bliss in relieving her school days with this gesture every day. Today, it reads :
Bad news:
"No matter how hard you try to protect yourself,one day, your heart will break."
Good news:
" when your heart breaks, every passing day, it opens you up to new possibilities, often helping you emerge as the best version of you."
'You were supposed to visit last night, I break the silence.'
'Oh! One of Shankar's clients slipped in the mandovi river.'
'What was he doing?'
'Taking a selfie!'
'Tourists are a nuisance. They do awful things and bring a bad name to Goa., he looks disturbed but I can't stop myself from cursing.
I have no empathy for young kids abusing smartphones.
'We're expecting a lot more tourists this December,' he says.'
'Good for our shack's business. All the rooms already sold out for New Year Eve.'
'If you could go anywhere in the world and do anything you wanted it be.?
'I had asked Romeo this when he visited my place for the first time.
' That's the thing about Goa . It is does not let you stay away for long. Sooner or later , it calls you back.'
'Romeo is one of the very first guy I helped realise their dreams.'
At least pick a Saturday now and then and make it your private island. Be whoever you want to be, do whatever the day wants you to do . Aarav , I am excited to watch you perform tonight.
He moves to the stage ,
Clears his throat, and greets everyone with a wide smile .
' he exudes the exact amount of confidence that I have been hoping from him since the first time we met.'
He pulls in. Huge amount of air as he shoots.
'Some woman in the crowd asks, 'what's the scale?'
Hahah so it's is a basic scale of 1to 10.
10 has Chris hemsworth. That chiseled body . But only as Thor . Otherwise he's a 9 . Same with Ryan Reynolds.
' The entire club is filled with laughter, noise, and chatter.'
' This has been Aarav best performance so far! I make my way through the over- enthusiastic crowd by slightly pushing each one that comes in my way.'
'When you make your own path, it is not an easy journey.'
' You will most likely suffer. You will fail many times. But trust me, there will also be moments when you will shed tears of sheer happiness.'
And that's not only an extraordinary feeling but a rare one too.'
'This is just the beginning!'
Let me read this out you from my diary. With the events that have unfolded in the last few days, I have started penning a lot of my feelings down;
"Dear my past self,"
'I wish you know that you will finally make it. I wish'
'I could tell you not to cry on sleepless nights.i wish'
'I could tell you that you deserve every dream that you wish to achieve.'
'What is love according to you ? Aarav asks.
'Love defines rules, knows no limits, and chooses to be ever-giving.'
'What is passion according to you?'
'Passion sets our hearts on fire and frees us like a mighty eagle.'
'It was an amazing night filled with a mix of emotions. It was so wonderful to hear him speak to larger audience, and while everyone spoke about retirement as the end, he spoke about it as the beginning.'
'No greater joy than falling back on those who will always be there for you.'
' maybe that's the reason why despite being miles apart your heart belongs to your loved ones, your home.'
' it felt amazing going back home. Since my breakup with Tara, I have been avoiding it for a very long time.'
'But when your mother cooks your favourite dish, your father makes sure that your house looks perfect, your siblings snatches away savouries from your hand, you realise that nothing has really changed in all these years that you have been away from home, only that the bond has grown stronger with every passing year.'
'I wish I never know of familial bonds. I find a home in the bond I share with nature.'
'Why did you never marry?'
'Aarav, I really loved Elisha. I still do. I never felt the same way for any woman. I have been dating women casually, but never did it ever occur to me that I could marry them while I was with them.'
'I think she loves you. You must give it a shot.'
'I am supposed to drag you out of your break-up. Not the other way round. Mind your own business, son?'
I laugh out loud.
'Why did you stop playing the drums? Who was the guitarist?'
'Will tell you some other day. Not in the mood today'
If we find Elisha, will you play the drums again?'
Maybe yes'
We keep chatting for hours until the sun arrives to announce the beginning of another day m.
Last night conversation with someone you bond with are one of the greatest assets in the treasures of your memories.
"I tell Aarav"
" The most successful people are not the most talented ones, but the stronger ones who keep at it and do everything to realize their dreams."
4. WHAT BREAKS YOU,
IT MAKES YOU
'Some dreams can never come true.
While some can.'
Ricky has been depressed ever since I told him the truth. Sheen and I have made numerous efforts at convincing him to play the drums again, but all have been in vain.
'It's New Year's tonight and I just wish that I succeed at my last attempt. I have asked alara to reach Ricky's early in the morning at seven .'
Together, we will try to move the stubborn Ricky.
The board in front of Ricky's today reads:
"It's new year again! But did you really get a chance to reflect upon the last year? If yes, did you jot down your learnings"
Here is ours:
Set fitness goals, sing your heart out loud, dance to the sound of the ocean, travel more think beyond set limits, explore the inner you, dare to dream, and believe in Love.
'My biggest learnings are very similar to the kind of experience I had on the ocean.'
Do what you love and do more of it
In my case, I love floating on the ocean and, therefore, make sure that I go back to the ocean when I need to heal.
'This process is like meditation for me. Circumstance are just like the waves of the ocean.'
The more you try to fight them, the more you struggle and eventually lose.
Can you really challenge mother earth's? But the more you loosen yourself, the farther you move.
In fact, the waves then help you move.
"So let loose of the circumstance, you can't really control things external to you."
He takes a short pause as he continues, 'some dreams can never come true.'
I recently put my paper down
"Finally , I am jobless. The decision was tough but not as tough as the painstaking task of stacking filled bottles in the fridge during summers."
I hate doing that . Really if had to make a list of chores i hate, it would be like:
1 my job
2 filling bottles
3 TAking care of an infant
They are sticky, leaky, and germy. I rest my case.
"Try and go back to your parents and tell them that you've quit your job today. That is the moment you'll know seeking support is like seeking a mirage."
Only you can support yourself, you do not need anyone.
Job is not the problem. Our mentality is flawed in the first place. We get an MBA to seek jobs. Why don't we think of setting our own business? I am happy that my colleague shikhar is doing so.
'I wonder if these unfortunate series of events in my life could be undone and if I could have the option to choose my career again, would anything be different.'
I was surrounded by such thoughts quite a lot, so after a stretched vacation or a bad day at office.
"Don't seek fulfilling work in jobs that help you buy big cars."
If the car you drove got you respect, then Mercedes drives should apparently be ruling nations.
Every journalism major should be on prime time, spreading hate and venom in the form of debate.
The nation wants you to suck it
"So if I leave my house believing that everyone should support me that it is everyone's support that will take me to the top or make me want to do things."
I am highly mistaken as it will not happen for sure. Rather, the most unexpected people, whom you might not trust in the first go and believe that they might not want to become a part of your journey, will eventually become an indispensable part of your career.
' This one's for you Ricky, I point to him.thankyou for everything.'
Then, I look at alara. She is one of the reasons I'm standing here, oozing out confidence. I adjust my eyes to notice that my family is making way through the crowd!
My dad waved at me. Gosh! Uncle Ricky can be so unpredictable at times. But he is the best.
"I believe that I survived. I have handled the issue better than most people. I believe I handled it really well."
Have I been on medication before?
'Well yes, I have gone through some sleeping issues in the past. To fix that issue I started using an app, and it turned out that I got addicted to that app.'
It was like curing cocaine addiction with heroin, but it was never the kind that my friends would be wary of!
"I love you all.you make me complete.the passion, the fear, the struggles, the setbacks; it is yet a dream-to become a stand-up comedian! "
'I am proud of you, beta!, he says and apologies through his expressions.
'I love you, dad!'
'Is she your girlfriend? He asks teasingly, like a typical middle-class Indian man in his sixties.'
Kind of!' I say and dodge the question. We aren't so comfortable speaking of our relationship in front of our families yet, you see.
Alara walks up the stage with our emotional Ricky and says.
"Alara, friends are meant to do that. I am fortunate that I crossed paths with you and learned so much from you. You're like family for us here in Goa."
Thank you for everything
Alara walks up to me and says, 'The world is our home. It is delusional to call your apartment home.
Even worse to stick to the same place all through your life.
"If you've found love or happiness somewhere, you've found a home."
I'm happy you've found a home. I have found one in you, too.it feels like that I have heard these lines before.'
"It's never too late to start with the things that have been pending on your To-do list for too long."
"All you have to do it start. It's a beautiful new year eve, start today, now! "
You'll certainly feel victorious at the end of the year. Sometimes it's about achieving small goals to be happy and letting them sum up to bigger ones.
" Everything falls into place if only you give your everything to it. The best way to overcome all your fears is to realize them."