Chapter 13 - Chapter 10: The False Bliss of The Child-like Mind

Were my parents (I think…) even real? I couldn't tell… It feels true but feels false at the same time. But I'm happy, why am I thinking like that? I walked with Max as we talked. We talked about how yesterday was and what we did during that time. "Well, I ate meatloaf with my mom and dad. The meatloaf was soooo good! It might be the best recipe in the entire world!" I exaggerated. But I feel like this was true. The meatloaf was too perfect. Its seasoning and juiciness were just at the right level. "Then, you must've eaten it all right?" Max asked. I nodded and answered, "Of course I did! If you tasted it, you would've eaten the entire tray of it." Max seems surprised by all the exaggeration I said all about meatloaf…. I think. "Then, your parents must be a top chef," Max admired. I looked up at the sky. The clouds and color of the sky were just like yesterday. Blue and the clouds are white as the wool of a sheep. "Why do you look at the sky…? It's the same as usual," Max asked again. "I don't know… I just get lost sometimes," I answered. I looked at Max again before we continued walking. "Are you sure you're okay? Ever since that nap, you seem more lost than ever," Max asked again. "Yeah.. Yeah," I affirmed, "I'm fine. Anyways, what about you, did you do something yesterday?" Max looks a bit worried. I don't think he wanted to go any further about this. "Oh… well, I played outside yesterday with my sister. We played pretend," Max answered, and then asked, "Speaking of playing, want to play on the swings?" I nodded at his question. I felt a bit more hyper than forgetful. I ran towards the swings and yelled out, "Last one there is a rotten egg!" Max saw this and decided to also race me. But, Max managed to reach the swings before I did. Max had his shadowy hand on the metal part of the swings while I had my hands on my knees. I laughed a bit before I said, "Okay… Okay… I should've known you were faster." Max also laughed with me, "It's fine, don't worry about it. You know what they say, You don't know until you see it." I then sighed and sat on the swing. Even after that laugh and that feeling of bliss, my head still felt empty. "Do you want me to push you?" Max asked. I put a small smile on my face, pushing those worries that'll be a roadblock… more like pushing them off a cliff to never see them again. "Yeah, Max, you can push," I answered. Then, Max nodded, he put his shadowy hand on my back, and pushed me. Every push made me get higher, almost as if I'll be launched into space. There was one worry I thought of… "Want me to push harder?" Max yelled. "Yeah! Yeah! I want to go high up!" I answered in a child-like tone. It almost felt like I was about to touch the sky with my bare hands. What was I worrying about again? "Okay, okay, you can stop pushing," I said. Max stopped pushing and let me swing on my own. But now, I was no longer reaching for the sky, but rather, I was going lower and lower to the ground. Until I began to only sway a little bit, no longer swaying high. Then, I came to a complete stop. "Hey, Max," I said, "You can go on the swings next, if you want." Max then nodded his shadowy head and answered, "Yeah! I'd like to go on." I got out of the seat and let Max go on. "How strong do you want me to push?" I asked again. Max answered, "Only a little bit. I'm quite scared of heights, unlike you. I don't even know how you weren't scared in the first place." I put my hands on Max's back and pushed him slightly. It felt like I was pushing the air. But I just kept pushing slightly, no matter how he felt, whether he was real or not… "Okay, Okay. You can stop," Max said. I stopped pushing. Max's legs tuck and then kick, over and over. It turns out that he can swing just fine by himself. "Do you want some time for yourself, Max?" I asked. I only asked this because I don't look like I linger wherever my friend goes. Sounds a bit weird, don't you think? Max then answered, "Hm.. Maybe for a bit, but who are you going to play with?" "Oh, I'll play with anybody, it's fine," I answered back. "Alright, if you say so," Max replied. I walked away from the swings to the playground. Finding someone I could play with. I went to this one kid and asked, "Hey, can I play with you?" but he shook his head and answered, "Go play with someone else." It's fine. This kid was probably from another class, so he didn't know me. I can't blame him, I'd say the same to someone I don't know. So, I went to another kid. This kid was from my class. I know she'd like to play with me, right? But she stared gawkingly at me as if I were an anomaly. "You're not fun to be with," The girl replied. I asked the others, and they all said something similar to what the boy said. Some of them hesitated, some of them just refused instantly. "I don't like playing with you." "You're weird." "You're not funny… you'll never be my friend." "I don't know you." "Leave me alone." "I don't want you even near me," the kid answered. "But, why? What about me?" I asked. Then, the kid answered, "Because you're boring. Not only that, you're really… different." So many words that just… I can't describe. And especially that boy from yesterday, he said the same things just like them, "After sucking up all the attention? No way, Jose." They all left me standing there. My vision began to blur. I felt like getting on my knees to cry. But I just… held it in. This day will get better, though. I don't need them. Their words stabbed me in the heart, though. How could they say such mean things to me… Why are they so mean… I'M JUST LIKE THEM! Why, why!? I breathed in, breathed out. It's fine, I think Max's friends could play with me. I walked on the grass, my footsteps were still gentle, and one of my tears was blown by the wind. That tear just became a mere need for the grass now. Their voices kept repeating in my head. "I don't like playing with you." "You're weird." "You're not funny… you'll never be my friend." "I don't know you." "Leave me alone." I have to hold it on… what else could they say next? But there were just a few kids who said that. The others are kinder than them. Why are they so mean, though? What have I done wrong? I went to one of Max's friends and asked them in a quiet tone, "Could you play with me? I got no one to play with." Then, Max's friend nodded and affirmed, "Sure, you can play with me! Sorry that no one wanted to play with you." I sighed in relief. I'm glad he didn't say anything mean or reject me. "Alright, what do you want to play?" But the kid shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I don't know… what do you want to play?" I also shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know either… maybe tag?" The kid shook his head and replied again, "Nah, we play that all the time… maybe rock, paper, scissors? Best two out of three." I nodded. I didn't care what we played, as long as we're both happy. Our fists went on top of our palms. Rock… Paper… Scissors, Shoot! I had rock, and the kid had paper. "Paper beats rock," The kid exclaimed. I sighed and shook my head. "Okay… this time I'll win." Rock… Paper… Scissors, Shoot! This time I won the round. My hand is scissors, and the kid's hand is paper. I said, "Ha! Scissors beat paper!" "Well," The kid replied, "That's 1 to 1. A tie… lets see who can win this final round!" Our fists went on top of our palms again. Let's end this game just this once. Rock… Paper… Scissors… SHOOT! This was the result: I had paper. The kid also had paper. A Tie… We went again, Rock… Paper… Scissors… SHOOT! This was the final result: I had Rock, he had… Scissors! "This game belongs to me today!" I said proudly. The kid smiled (I think..) and replied, "Alright, Alright. Not a lot of people beat me in this game. They said I could read their minds." That's how good this kid must've been then. I actually feel much better now. Almost like I don't even know why I was sad in the first place. Then, Max walked up to us and asked, "Hey guys, whatcha doing?" I looked at Max and answered, "We were playing rock, paper, scissors." Max shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Rock, Paper, Scissors? Eh, not the best, but not the worst." I didn't really feel like talking anymore… ever since what the kids I just simply asked to play with me responded with. "Things were better off without you…" Was it true? I just walked away from Max and his friend, heading towards the same tree I was at yesterday. "Hey, Tim," Max called out, "Where are you going?" I turned around to answer, "Oh… I'm going to relax under the tree. Why'd you ask?" Max stepped closer to me, his head tilted. He then replied, "You've been quieter lately. Something on your mind?" Why… Why is he asking me this? I don't want to talk about it. I just… want to be happy. I want to play with the others without them saying anything about me. I want to be just like Max and the shadows. I'm just like them… I̵̯͆'̵͉̀m̸͚͝ ̸͍̅j̵̗͘u̶̧͋s̴͈̃t̴͈̀ ̷̂ͅl̵͓͊ȋ̵̘k̷̳͠e̵̞͐ ̴̢̏t̸͈̊ẖ̶͘ě̸͙m̷̰̐.̶̘͒.̸̢̕.̷̬̍ I̷͙͓̿̆'̶̠̋͛̓m̵̱̱̐ ̵͖̖̤͌̇͠j̸̨̜̼̽̋ư̸̰̭̖̂s̷̺͑t̸̺̯̿ ̸̱̻̓͌͒l̶̲̐̓̊i̷͕̰͕͌̌k̴̞͑ḙ̴̗̹͛͑ ̷̖̮̱͋͘t̸͖̩͌͝h̶̝̣̗̐e̴̡̜͙̾m̷̫̣̰̀͗̅.̵̼̹͖̍͌.̶̦̙͈̅.̵̦̣̕͜ I shook my head and answered, "No, I'm fine. Thanks for asking, though…" Max looked like he wanted to ask more, but he just let me go. "Alright…" Max said. I walked on the grass, and it rustled as I walked on it. I looked at the ground as I did. "You're weird.." Then I'll be just like you. "You're boring." Then I'll be just like you. "You'll never be my friend." Then… I'll try to be like you, and then we can get along. "I don't know you." Then, talk to me, and then we'll get to know each other. I might be just like you. "I don't like playing with you." Ï̷̲̈́̎'̴̫̺̍͒̚l̶͔̋̋̓l̷̖̺̹͘ ̴̮͌b̷̢̳͌́́ȇ̶̻ ̴̝͊j̴̪̭̣̓͊u̴̖͉̚͝͝s̴̮̤̎̋t̵͓̔ ̵͓̖̆͛͋l̶̘̑ĭ̵̱̻͂k̶͕͐ê̷̥ ̸̛̬͖̿̀y̴̬͠o̸̼͋̀̋u̷̟͕͑͑.̴̢̯̍̋̾ I walked to the tree and sat under it. I looked up at the sky. Still the same as yesterday. Blue sky, puffy clouds, and the clouds follow the same pattern. "Life…" I thought. I don't know what I mean by life… What did it mean? I still thought of their words… "I don't like playing with you." "You're weird." "You're not funny… you'll never be my friend." "I don't know you." "Leave me alone." "I don't want you even near me." No… I need to stop thinking about that. I must stop thinking of it… It'll be a burning memory soon… I'll forget it. After a few minutes, it was already time to head inside. So, I followed the crowd of kids and went inside the school. I tried to reach the classroom until someone bumped into my shoulder. "Get out of my way," The shadow kid said. I ignored them and entered Ms.C's classroom. Where I was safe, comforted, warmed, felt happy, and had my bliss fully fulfilled.