the room is dark.
not because the bulb is broken.
because i unscrewed it.
bright light bothers me in a way i have never fully explained to anyone.
something about it feels like it is trying too hard.
like it wants everything visible all at once.
some things don't need to be that visible.
sits on the chair.
puts towel over face.
stares at the ceiling through the fabric.
tomorrow is orientation.
first day of university.
4000 students. new building. new people. new system to figure out from scratch.
i should be sleeping.
stares...
i am not sleeping.
instead i am lying here thinking about why humans do anything at all which is probably not the most useful way to spend the night before the most socially demanding week of my life so far.
but here we are.
i cant stop thinking about this.
this thing has been haunting me for almost my whole life.
why do we do any of this.
if our final goal is peace there are easier ways to get there.
so why do we spend all day doing things we hate.
does any of it actually matter.
no.
nothing matters in the end.
and yet we keep going.
why.
because we need to stay busy so we don't get bored before we die?
or because staying busy helps us forget the one thing we don't want to look at directly.
that everything is meaningless.
no — people are too creative for that answer.
we don't just forget.
we build.
we invent meaning and place it carefully over the meaninglessness and then we live inside what we built and call it purpose.
we evolved this much.
came this far.
built cities and languages and entire systems of belief.
only to cope.
i cant blame anyone for it.
its natural.
the brain protecting itself from the thing that hurts.
a being protecting itself from pain.
thats all it ever was.
stares at the ceiling.
and yet here i am.
nervous about tomorrow.
which is genuinely funny if you think about it.
i just spent twenty minutes concluding that nothing matters.
and my hands are slightly cold because of orientation.
i don't know what that says about me.
probably something embarrassing.
beep.. beep
two messages.
Kael: "its serious..... as i told you there will be around 4000 students wear something nice dont come like homeless will meet you at auditorium"
Sae: "dont overthink it i know youre nervous eat dinner and get proper sleep"
stares at the phone for a moment.
Kael thinks dressing well solves problems.
Sae knows i haven't eaten properly.
both of them are right in their own way.
which is the most annoying thing about them.
sleep huh.
how am i supposed to sleep.
its a completely new experience.
orientation program going for a whole week.
i joined IT department because i thought one computer is enough to complete my degree.
i was wrong obviously.
picks up the orientation checklist.
day one — principal speech. auditorium. 8am sharp.
day two — university tour. all departments.
day three through seven — department introductions. group activities. social bonding exercises.
stares at the last line.
social bonding exercises.
whoever designed this program has never met a person in their life.
you cannot schedule human connection.
you cannot put it in a time slot on a checklist and expect something real to come out of it.
8am. make friends.
these people.
puts checklist down.
tomorrow is going to be long.
i should sleep so i don't show up looking like a warning sign.
lies down.
stares at ceiling.
thinks about society again.
Morning. 5am.
sighs.
stares at ceiling.
i look like a zombie.
i ended up thinking about society again.
Kael and Sae are going to kill me.
sits up slowly.
the room is still dark.
one bed. one desk. one closet.
everything exactly where i left it.
nothing has moved because nothing ever moves.
i live alone and alone things stay where you put them.
my parents are abroad.
they left enough allowance.
enough to be comfortable but not enough to be stupid about it.
i save some every month without thinking too hard about why.
it just feels safer to have something sitting there untouched.
like a wall between me and something i haven't named yet.
gets up.
opens closet.
stares at it.
Kael said wear something nice.
everything i own looks the same.
dark. simple. nothing that asks to be noticed.
picks the least wrinkled one.
close enough.
leaves apartment.
outside is already moving.
people going to work. street vendor setting up early.
a dog sleeping near the corner like it has solved something the rest of us haven't figured out yet.
walks.
there is a beggar near the junction i have never seen before.
sitting very still.
like he has been there long enough to become part of the street.
stops.
gives him some money.
"get yourself some food and water."
points at the nearby store.
"that store sells cheap stuff with good taste. try that one."
he thanks me with his whole chest.
genuine. nothing performed about it.
walks.
i always wondered about this.
if this system was designed to protect the members of society why does it have bugs like this.
in a program when there is a bug it is the developer's responsibility to fix it.
but here the users scroll past the bug and pretend it is a feature.
some of them even argue the bug is necessary.
builds character they say.
teaches resilience.
the real answer is simpler and uglier.
fixing bugs is expensive.
and the people with the resources to fix it are comfortable enough that the bug doesn't reach them personally.
so they give it a name instead.
call it poverty. call it circumstance. call it the way things are.
and then they go back to their morning.
like i just did.
slows down slightly.
i gave him money and pointed at a store.
then immediately turned it into a systems analysis.
i don't know what that says about me.
probably the same embarrassing thing as before.
keeps walking.
the university gates are visible now.
i stop for a moment before entering.
4000 students Kael said.
i can already see them from here.
gathered near the entrance in clusters.
loud. slightly chaotic. all of them performing a version of themselves they decided on this morning.
i watch for a moment before going in.
there is always a pattern to new groups.
you can see it clearly if you look without participating.
first category — the ones already talking to strangers loudly near the gate.
not because they are confident.
because silence makes them nervous and noise feels like safety.
they will have fifteen new friends by lunch and remember none of their names by next week.
second category — the ones on their phones.
not doing anything important.
just holding them.
the phone is a prop.
it says i am busy i am not standing here alone i have somewhere to be.
i understand this one more than i want to admit.
third category — the ones standing slightly apart.
quiet. observing. trying to read the room before committing to anything.
these are my people probably.
not because i like them.
because i recognize the method.
enters the gate.
"HYDE."
i don't need to turn around.
only one person on earth announces my name like it is the opening line of something.
Kael appears from the crowd.
he is wearing something that costs more than most people's monthly rent and somehow still looks like he got dressed in thirty seconds.
which he probably did.
he doesn't think about these things.
he just exists loudly and it works for him.
it has always worked for him.
"you actually came dressed like a human being." he says looking me up and down.
"i was genuinely worried."
"you texted me four times about it."
"because i know you."
he falls into step beside me.
this is the thing about Kael.
he doesn't do entrances or exits.
he just appears and disappears like gravity.
constant. unremarkable in the best way.
you only notice it when its gone.
"Sae is already inside." he says.
"she got here at seven thirty."
"orientation starts at eight."
"i know." he grins. "she sent me a location pin at seven thirty one."
we walked.
around us the crowd thickens.
students from every department flowing toward the auditorium.
civil. electrical. mechanical. IT.
all of us funneled into the same building for a week before they sort us into our separate worlds.
i watch them move.
4000 people.
4000 different reasons for being here.
some of them chose this.
some of them were chosen by their parents.
some of them are here because they didn't know what else to do and university felt like a reasonable delay.
i wonder which category is the majority.
probably the last one.
probably more honest than they get credit for.
"you're doing the thing." Kael says.
"what thing."
"the thing where you stare at people like you're reading a document."
"i'm not staring."
"Hyde."
"i'm observing."
he laughs.
not mocking.
just Kael laughing which is one of the few sounds that doesn't require analysis.
it means exactly what it sounds like.
nothing hidden in it.
i have never fully explained to him how rare that is.
Sae is standing near the auditorium entrance with a campus map already folded to the right section.
she looks at us.
then specifically at me.
"you didn't sleep."
not a question.
"i slept."
"how much."
pause.
"enough."
she looks at me for one more second with the expression she has been using since we were fifteen.
the one that says i know exactly what enough means when you say it and we both know it doesn't mean enough.
then she moves on.
"auditorium is almost full. if we go now we get decent seats. not front row."
"never front row." Kael says immediately.
"never front row." i agree.
this is one of the few things all three of us agree on completely and without discussion.
some principles require no explanation.
we go in.
the auditorium is large.
the kind of large that makes sound behave strangely.
every voice slightly delayed. every footstep slightly hollow.
like the building is listening to itself.
we find seats in the middle left section.
good angle. visible enough to not seem suspicious. not visible enough to be called on.
Kael immediately relaxes into his chair like he is watching something he already knows the ending of.
Sae places her map on her knee and sits straight.
i sit and look at the stage.
the stage has a podium. a banner. a row of chairs for faculty.
all of them empty still.
the banner says welcome to your future in large clean letters.
i read it twice.
welcome to your future.
as if the future is a place you arrive at.
as if it is waiting here specifically in this building at this orientation program on this particular tuesday morning.
as if standing under this banner means something has begun.
people believe that though.
you can see it on their faces.
the ones looking at the banner with something close to hope.
something close to relief.
like they have been moving toward this moment for years and now that they are here they can finally exhale.
i don't say this to be cruel about it.
hope is functional.
it keeps people moving when logic says stop.
i understand its purpose completely.
i just cant manufacture it on demand.
i never could.
"stop reading the banner like it insulted you." Sae says quietly without looking up from her map.
"i wasn't."
"you had the face."
"i don't have a face."
Kael leans over. "you absolutely have a face."
the faculty begins filing onto the stage.
the auditorium settles.
4000 people go quiet at once.
there is something strange about that moment.
4000 people going quiet at the same time.
not because anyone told them to yet.
just because the stage filled up and something collective happened.
some instinct older than any of us decided this is the moment we listen now.
herd behavior is fascinating when you're inside it.
terrifying when you forget you're inside it.
orientation begins.
the principal speaks for forty minutes.
i retain approximately four sentences of it.
not because i am not listening.
i am listening.
i am just also watching 4000 people listen at the same time which is significantly more interesting than the content.
you can tell a lot about a person by how they listen to something they didn't choose to hear.
some of them are genuinely engaged.
nodding slightly. processing. taking notes.
these ones came here with a plan. they will probably execute it. they will be fine.
some of them are performing engagement.
nodding too much. eyes slightly unfocused behind the attentive expression.
these ones are thinking about lunch or their phone or something that happened last week.
but they were raised to look attentive so they do.
i respect the skill even if i don't respect the reason behind it.
some of them have already fully given up.
phones under desks. eyes at the ceiling. one guy near the back is almost certainly asleep sitting upright.
these ones decided this was irrelevant before it started.
they might be right.
they might regret it.
impossible to tell from here.
Kael is half asleep with his eyes technically open.
i genuinely don't know how he does that.
it is an impressive skill and a completely useless one and somehow that feels very accurate for him.
Sae is actually listening.
small notes in the corner of her map.
not everything. just the things that matter.
she always knew how to separate signal from noise before any of us said anything about it.
nobody taught her that.
she just arrived knowing.
the principal finishes.
applause.
we stand.
we move.
the tour moves in groups.
our group is led by a third year student with a lanyard and the careful energy of someone who has done this many times and is still trying to make it feel like the first.
i respect the effort genuinely.
performing enthusiasm for strangers is harder than it looks.
we walk through the main building.
the library — three floors, good natural light, quiet sections in the back.
the cafeteria — loud, functional, smells like rice and something fried.
the sports complex — large, well maintained, Kael immediately asks about the basketball court.
then we reach the IT block.
i slow down slightly.
the hallway is different from the rest of campus.
quieter. better lighting. the faint constant sound of cooling systems running somewhere inside the walls.
everything arranged with a logic you can feel without being told what it is.
stops for a moment.
there is something about a room built around machines that makes sense to me in a way rooms built around people rarely do.
machines do what they are built to do.
they don't perform. they don't pretend.
they don't smile at you with something else sitting behind the smile.
they run their function until they can't anymore.
honest in a way almost nothing else is.
i know this is not a normal thing to find comforting.
i know most people walk past server rooms without feeling anything.
but most people don't unscrew their light bulbs either.
"you okay?" Kael says from beside me.
"yes."
"you stopped walking."
"i was looking."
he follows my gaze down the hallway.
looks at it for a moment.
looks back at me.
"yeah." he says.
just that.
he doesn't understand what i was thinking.
he never fully does.
but he understood that it meant something to me.
that has always been enough.
i don't know what i would do in a world where it wasn't.
the group moves on.
we follow.
end of the day.
the orientation program wraps with announcements about tomorrow's schedule and a reminder about the group activities starting day three.
social bonding exercises.
still on the checklist.
still scheduled.
still somehow the responsibility of whoever designed this program.
we walk out through the main gate.
the campus looks different in late afternoon light.
less overwhelming. more like a place people actually inhabit.
like it finally exhaled after holding 4000 nervous people all day.
Sae refolds her map precisely and puts it in her bag.
Kael is already looking up food places on his phone.
i walk between them.
"thoughts." Sae says.
not asking exactly.
just opening the space the way she does.
"principal talked too long." Kael says without looking up.
"cafeteria looks manageable. IT block smells like air conditioning which i respect deeply."
"Hyde."
"4000 people." i say.
"all of them scared of something.
most of them pretending they aren't.
some of them already building walls so nothing gets close enough to matter before they even know what they're keeping out."
pause.
"same as everywhere else."
Sae nods once.
Kael puts his phone away.
"well." Kael says.
"at least we have each other."
it is the simplest thing he could have said.
it is also completely true.
i don't have an analysis for that.
i don't think i need one.
we walked.
the city moves around us.
people going home. street lights coming on one by one.
somewhere behind us 4000 students are figuring out what this week means for them.
i still don't know what it means for me.
but i am here.
nervous. uncertain. slightly tired from not sleeping.
here.
i spent last night concluding that nothing matters.
and then showed up anyway.
maybe that's the only honest answer anyone has on the first day of anything.
we are all scared of something.
we show up anyway.
i don't know if that's courage.
or just stubbornness.
but here i am.