Eridius stepped out of the café carrying four heavy briefcases.
Without a word, he set them down in front of the two Association Fixers and opened them.
Each case was packed with one hundred freshly baked pretzels.
Four hundred in total.
Fixer #2 gave a satisfied nod after a quick count.
[Fixer #1]: Happy doing business with you.
He closed one of the briefcases with a snap before looking at his partner.
[Fixer #1]: Come on, Bill.
A pause.
Then, with complete seriousness—
[Fixer #1]: We have some salty bribes to make.
The two Association Fixers picked up the briefcases and walked off into the rain as though this were the most ordinary transaction in the City.
Eridius watched them disappear down the street.
Then he slowly turned back toward the café.
From the outside...
It looked perfectly respectable.
Warm lights glowed through the windows.
The sign hung proudly above the entrance.
It looked like a cozy little café.
He opened the door.
Ding.
The illusion shattered instantly.
The inside looked as though a bomb had gone off in the middle of a school cafeteria.
Tables were overturned.
Chairs lay in pieces.
Coffee stains covered half the floor.
A section of the ceiling had somehow collapsed.
Several suspicious holes decorated the walls.
The front door was hanging on by what appeared to be optimism alone.
In the middle of the devastation...
Alexander and Woods knelt side by side with their heads lowered.
Neither dared look up.
Neither spoke a single word.
Eridius slowly closed the door behind him.
Silence filled the café.
He looked at the wreckage.
Then at Alexander.
Then at Woods.
Another long silence.
Finally—
[Eridius]: ...
He took a deep breath.
[Eridius]: I have exactly one question.
Another pause.
[Eridius]: ...
He pointed at what used to be the ceiling.
[Eridius]: How?
Alexander remained silent for a moment.
Then—
[Alexander]: A group of enemies attacked.
The very next second—
CRASH!
A group of Fixers suddenly fell through the hole in the ceiling and landed in a tangled heap.
One of them immediately gave Alexander a thumbs-up.
[Fixer #7]: That was an amazing performance, Mr. Alexander.
He grinned.
[Fixer #7]: You really know how to rock and roll.
Alexander's expression remained perfectly blank.
[Alexander]: {ಥ_ಥ}
Woods quietly lowered her head.
[Woods]: (´.＿.｀)
The Fixer, meanwhile, looked incredibly pleased with himself.
[Fixer #7]: (ω)
Eridius slowly looked from the ceiling...
...to the collapsed Fixers...
...then back to Alexander and Woods.
A long silence followed.
Finally—
[Eridius]: I'm docking both of your salaries by five percent.
Another pause.
[Eridius]: And your punishment is eating every bowl of milk soup we still have in storage.
Woods' face turned pale.
[Woods]: Boss... please have mercy.
Alexander immediately straightened.
[Alexander]: Leader, take ten percent instead.
A beat.
[Alexander]: Anything but the milk soup.
Eridius simply sighed.
The kind of sigh that came from someone who had accepted that reality itself was conspiring against him.
Woods awkwardly scratched her cheek.
[Woods]: Come on, Boss. Don't look so gloomy.
Eridius glanced at her...
Then happened to look upward.
A tiny black cloud hovered directly above his head.
It slowly bobbed in the air.
Watching him.
Eridius blinked.
[Eridius]: ...What in the Wings is that?
Without another thought, he punched it with his uninjured arm.
THUMP!
The little cloud let out a high-pitched screech.
[???]: SKREEEE!
It hit the floor—
And immediately sprouted dozens of writhing black tentacles before beginning to crawl across the café.
Everyone stared.
A beat.
Then Eridius pointed at it.
[Eridius]: For the Head's sake...
He stomped forward.
[Eridius]: Stomp on it!
Without hesitation—
Alexander joined in.
Then Woods.
Then the Fixers.
STOMP!
STOMP!
STOMP!
STOMP!
For nearly a full minute, the entire café echoed with the sound of grown adults mercilessly stomping on a tiny eldritch-looking creature.
Eventually...
The screeching stopped.
All that remained was a small red puddle on the floor.
Silence.
One of the Fixers cautiously poked it with his boot.
Nothing happened.
He looked up.
[Fixer #7]: ...Think we got it?
Eridius stared at the puddle for several long seconds.
Then nodded once.
[Eridius]: Good.
A pause.
Then Eridius nodded once.
[Eridius]: Good.
A pause.
[Eridius]: Now, someone get a mop before it evolves into something worse.
He pointed at Alexander.
[Eridius]: Also, call that repair Office to fix... whatever this is.
His hand swept across the café.
Broken tables.
A missing section of ceiling.
One wall that now featured an artistic sword-shaped opening.
Several Fixers still climbing out of the hole they'd fallen through.
Eridius closed his eyes.
[Eridius]: As for the rest of you...
A beat.
[Eridius]: One pretzel and one cup of coffee each.
Silence.
Another beat.
His brow furrowed.
[Eridius]: ...Where's the coffee?
He walked behind the counter.
Opened the first cabinet.
Empty.
The second.
Empty.
Then the storage shelves.
Nothing.
He checked the emergency reserve.
Also empty.
A long silence followed.
Very slowly...
He turned toward Alexander.
[Eridius]: Alexander...
A pause.
[Eridius]: Did you stop the cockroaches from stealing the coffee?
Alexander froze.
[Alexander]: Ah...
[Flashback]
Alexander walked through the alley with perfect posture.
Beside him strolled the humanoid cockroach.
The two were holding hands.
The cockroach happily sipped from a steaming cup of coffee.
SLURP.
Alexander calmly held another paper cup in his free hand.
[Alexander]: It appears you've become much less violent.
The humanoid cockroach nodded enthusiastically.
[Humanoid Cockroach]: Coffee.
Alexander gave a thoughtful nod.
[Alexander]: Indeed.
A smaller cockroach tugged on his sleeve.
Alexander reached into a bag and handed a packet of coffee beans to it.
The little insect chirped happily before scurrying away.
Several more giant cockroaches gathered around him.
Alexander calmly distributed coffee to each of them.
The humanoid cockroach gave him a proud thumbs-up.
[Humanoid Cockroach]: Friend.
Alexander considered that for a moment.
Then gave a polite bow.
[Alexander]: I appreciate your trust.
[Remember Alexander has the {Kind Heart}]
[This was an hour before the party]
[Present]
Silence filled the café.
Everyone slowly turned to look at Alexander.
Alexander looked back at them.
A long pause.
Then—
[Alexander]: ...In hindsight...
Another pause.
[Alexander]: I may have accidentally domesticated them.
Eridius slowly pinched the bridge of his nose.
He took one deep breath.
Then another.
Finally—
[Eridius]: Alexander...
A beat.
[Eridius]: Why is pest control somehow your greatest medical failure?
Alexander adjusted his gloves with complete seriousness.
[Alexander]: Leader, you can't blame me for this.
A pause.
[Alexander]: I simply didn't want them attacking the guests during the party.
Silence.
Eridius blinked.
[Eridius]: ...
Another pause.
[Eridius]: So...
He slowly pointed toward the now coffee-less storage room.
[Eridius]: What exactly did you serve the guests?
Alexander froze.
[Alexander]: Ah...
[Flashback]
The café buzzed with laughter as customers celebrated another successful week.
Woods stood over a large cooking pot.
Steam billowed toward the ceiling.
She stirred it thoughtfully before nodding.
[Woods]: We just need a little more heat.
Alexander stood beside her, holding two bottles.
[Alexander]: Will they enjoy the homemade beer...
He lifted the second bottle.
[Alexander]: ...and this vodo?
Woods looked at the label.
A vein twitched.
[Woods]: It's vodka.
She took the bottle from him.
[Woods]: Seventy percent alcohol.
A pause.
Then she pointed at the pot.
[Woods]: Keep boiling the milk.
She tossed in several ingredients.
[Woods]: Add this...
Another ingredient.
[Woods]: ...and this...
She poured in a generous amount of vodka.
[Woods]: Then let the alcohol cook off.
Alexander nodded solemnly.
[Alexander]: Understood.
A beat.
He looked at the pot.
Then at the bottle.
Then back at the pot.
[Present]
Silence filled the café.
Everyone slowly turned toward Alexander.
Alexander politely avoided eye contact.
Another long silence.
Then—
[Alexander]: ...I may have underestimated how much of the alcohol was supposed to cook off.
Eridius didn't say a word.
He simply turned around...
Walked out the front door...
And stood silently on the sidewalk while Association Fixers repaired what remained of the café.
Hammering echoed behind him.
Someone shouted for more lumber.
A section of the roof was lowered back into place by crane.
Eridius stared blankly into the distance.
Then—
SMACK!
He facepalmed so hard the sound echoed all the way down the next street.
One passing Fixer looked over.
[Passing Fixer]: Rough day?
Without even lifting his hand from his face—
[Eridius]: Alexander gave all our coffee to the cockroaches...
A pause.
[Eridius]: ...then served homemade alcohol to the guests at his party.
Silence.
The passing Fixer stared at him for several long seconds.
Then slowly nodded.
[Passing Fixer]: ...Yeah.
A beat.
[Passing Fixer]: That'll do it.
Another pause.
He glanced through the café window.
Inside, Alexander was calmly repairing a broken table as though nothing unusual had happened.
[Passing Fixer]: You know...
He rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
[Passing Fixer]: Most Offices worry about Syndicates.
A pause.
[Passing Fixer]: Others worry about making rent.
He pointed toward Alexander.
[Passing Fixer]: Yours has... whatever he is.
Eridius let out the weary sigh of a man who had accepted that the universe personally disliked him.
[Eridius]: He's an excellent manager.
A pause.
[Eridius]: A brilliant cook.
Another pause.
[Eridius]: An outstanding musician.
He looked back through the window.
Alexander was gently patting the giant humanoid cockroach on the head while it obediently carried a stack of lumber into the café.
The insect let out a happy chirp.
[Humanoid Cockroach]: Coffee...
Alexander gave an approving nod.
[Alexander]: Good work.
The cockroach stood a little straighter and continued carrying the boards with obvious pride.
Eridius slowly closed his eyes.
[Eridius]: Somehow...
A beat.
[Eridius]: He's also the reason I haven't had a normal Tuesday since we met.
Another pause.
A small, helpless smile crossed his face.
[Eridius]: One day...
He sighed.
[Eridius]: His kindness is going to get him killed.
The passing Fixer watched the bizarre scene for several more seconds.
A medic walked past the window.
The humanoid cockroach politely held the door open for him.
The medic thanked it.
The cockroach nodded.
[Humanoid Cockroach]: Coffee.
The medic nodded back.
[Medic]: Coffee.
The passing Fixer stared for a full five seconds.
Then silently turned around and resumed walking.
[Passing Fixer]: ...
A long pause.
[Passing Fixer]: I'm not paid enough to figure out whatever's happening in that café.
He took a few more steps before muttering to himself—
[Passing Fixer]: ...Yeah.
[Passing Fixer]: That'll do it.
[Chapter End]