Oral Hygiene and Other Tactical Distractions
I ran. I ran so fast that I was pretty sure my lungs were about to detach themselves from my ribcage and stage a formal protest. But despite the absolute maximum velocity my legs could muster, the terrifying reality remained: they were way too fast for me.
*Oh my gosh!*
Panic, cold and sharp, clawed at my throat. What on earth was I supposed to do now?
They had managed to surround me *again*. It was like a recurring nightmare on an endless loop.
I absolutely could not afford to be captured yet again! And speaking of absolute emergencies... where the hell was that f*cking system when I actually needed it?!
"You're a tricky little devil, huh?" Ugly #1 sneered, stepping forward to block my path.
He was looking at me, licking his cracked lips while flashing a smile that was the literal definition of creepy.
"You're a feisty one, but I like it. Hahahaha!"
*Yuck!*
My brain completely derailed. Why on earth were his teeth so aggressively yellowish, with mysterious black spots nestled in the crevices?
*Ewww!*
Do these people just not believe in toothbrushes? Is proper hygiene a forbidden concept in this world?
*Wait, what the hell am I thinking right now?!*
Shit. I got so thoroughly distracted by the sheer horror of his dental health that my thoughts went completely south.
*Focus, Shao Tien, focus!* This was not the time or place to conduct a mental dental hygiene seminar.
I needed to figure out how to escape, and I needed to do it exactly five seconds ago.
The three Ugly Alphas were slowly advancing toward me, closing the perimeter with smug, self-satisfied grins.
*F*cking shit!* Running away blindly was clearly not working, and quite frankly, running like a headless chicken was totally not my style.
I am a man, and I knew there was only one surefire, time-tested strategy to escape this exact situation and avoid a horrific, non-consensual gang disaster.
It was time to tap into my inner action hero—or at least pretend I had one.
"Even though all of you are big and strong, and I'm just a supposedly weak Omega, I can still fight all of you with my entire might!"
I declared bravely, puffing out my chest and trying to channel the energy of a legendary martial arts master.
"Hahaha! What a brave little Omega!" Ugly #3 mocked, clutching his stomach as if my declaration was the funniest joke he'd heard all century.
"I'm so scared that I want to pee my pants! Ooh, look at me, I'm shaking! Bu-bu-bu..."
*Ha! You are going to severely regret those words, you oversized thumb.*
I didn't waste my breath speaking. Instead, I dropped low into a dynamic stance, narrowing my eyes to signal that I was ready to fight to the absolute death. Or, you know, do something else entirely.
"Prepare for my ultimate attack, you absolute fools!!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. Without hesitation, I charged directly toward Ugly #3.
"You really think you can win?!" Ugly #2 chimed in from the sidelines, laughing up a storm.
"Omegas aren't built for fighting! They're only good for one thing, and that's in the bed! Hahaha!"
Ugly #3 braced himself, squaring his shoulders and raising his arms to easily block whatever amateur martial arts strike he thought I was about to throw.
*Here it goes! Time for the ultimate forbidden technique!*
"Oh my god, look! It's a bird!" I yelled dramatically, pointing an urgent, trembling finger directly up at the sky.
Like the magnificent, undisputed idiots they were, all three Ugly Alphas instinctively whipped their heads up, scanning the clouds to see what I was talking about.
"No, wait, it's actually your family jewels! Hehehe!"
Before Ugly #3 could even process the words, I pivoted on my heel and swung my leg forward with the force of a localized hurricane.
I kicked him squarely, precisely, and with absolutely zero mercy in his most precious, sensitive area. I kicked him like there was no tomorrow.
*CRUNCH.*
It was a beautiful, resonant sound. One down.
=====°°°°°
The Emotional Damage of a Crying AI
Without waiting to admire my handiwork, I turned on my heel and sprinted as fast as humanly possible. Behind me, the two remaining ugly Alphas had completely stopped in their tracks.
Their eyes were wide with sheer horror as they stared down at Ugly #3, who was currently curled into a tight fetal position on the ground, completely knocked out from the sheer trauma to his lineage.
As I ran for my precious life, the adrenaline pumping through my veins, a sudden, familiar sound echoed directly inside my skull. It was a voice that instantly caused my blood pressure to skyrocket to dangerous, unhealthy levels.
"Hello, my sweetie-tweety little host!~" the f*cking system chirped, its tone so sickeningly sweet that it made my teeth ache. I wanted nothing more than to reach into my own brain, rip the entity out, and hurl it to the absolute dark edges of the universe.
"Why the hell did you show up just now?!" I screamed internally, my mental voice cracking with pure rage.
(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ
"I'm so sorry, host!!" the system wailed, instantly shifting into a display of pathetic, digital tears. (ᗒᗩᗕ)
"But I swear I have amazing news for you!" (人 •͈ᴗ•͈)
"WHAT IS IT?! JUST TELL ME ALREADY!!!" I shouted, leaping over a fallen log while checking my six.
The remaining two Alphas had recovered from their shock and were now chasing me with furious, murderous expressions.
"Well, the gorgeous male lead is actually heading this way right now! He's super close!" the system explained, its digital voice practically vibrating with excitement.
"So, you must show off your incredible prowess and totally impress him! I can help you look absolutely magnificent if you want, but of course, you have to pay me with your hard-earned points... hihihihi."
*The absolute audacity of this extortionist piece of software.*
"Then do it! Just activate something, fuck you!!" I roared inside my head.
The veins on my forehead felt like they were about to burst from the sheer frustration of fleeing for my life while negotiating a transaction with a capitalist AI.
"Aye, aye, sir!!" the system chirped, acting incredibly cute. It was the kind of forced cuteness that made me want to squeeze it until whatever digital blood it possessed burst right out of its metaphorical body.
A sudden, glowing holographic blue menu flashed open directly in my field of vision, causing me to nearly trip over my own two feet.
__________________________________
SYSTEM MARKETPLACE: EMERGENCY SELECTION
[Three items have been curated for your current crisis.
Please make your selection immediately!]
ITEM 1: The Sword of Match Fire
Description: A legendary blade equipped with a powerful
protection seal for the wielder and high-tier fire magic.
Stats: Defense +30%
Attack +20%
Cost: 200 Points
ITEM 2: The Book of Idiots
Description: A mystical grimoire possessing chaotic magical
powers.
WARNING: The user cannot predict or choose the spell.
It might save your life, or it might accidentally kill you.
Stats: Defense +10%
Attack +40%
Cost: 200 Points
ITEM 3: The Necklace of Cactus
Description: A thorny accessory enchanted with endless needles.
It can inflict severe damage on your opponents, but it will
simultaneously pierce and hurt you.
Stats: Defense +20%
Attack +30%
Cost: 200 Points
[CURRENT BALANCE: 500 Points Remaining... hihihihi...]
__________________________________
I stopped dead in my tracks for a fraction of a second just to process the sheer absurdity glowing in front of my eyes.
"Are you f*cking kidding me, you useless piece of literal trash?!" I screamed, my internal voice reaching a pitch that could shatter glass.
"What kind of garbage items are these?! They are all completely useless, just like you!!!"
｡:ﾟ(;´∩;)ﾟ:｡'
"Host, that is so mean! The items are absolutely not useless! You have deeply hurt my feelings, waaaah!!!"
The f*cking system started crying. And it wasn't just a quiet, dignified sniffle; it was a full-blown, earsplitting, digital temper tantrum that echoed relentlessly inside my cranium. The sobbing was so loud and distracting that I could barely hear the heavy thudding of the Alphas' boots closing the distance behind me.
"Fine! Fine! Shut up!" I panicked, realizing I had to make a choice before I got tackled into the dirt. Driven by sheer desperation and the desire to mute the AI's weeping, I pointed at the very first option.
"I'll take option number one! Give me the Sword of Match Fire!"
"Sniff... Transaction complete! Processing item delivery! Good luck, host!~"
Instantly, a bright flash of light materialized in my right hand. I grinned, expecting the heavy, reassuring weight of a majestic, glowing fantasy blade that would allow me to channel my inner anime protagonist and vanquish my pursuers.
Instead, the light faded, and my hand felt remarkably... light. As in, completely weightless.
I looked down.
There was no sword. There was no gleaming steel. There wasn't even a hilt.
Nestled quietly between my thumb and index finger was a single, solitary, standard wooden matchstick. The kind with a little red tip.
The exact kind you use to light a campfire when you're a little boy scout.
I stared at it. The world seemed to slow down.
"A match," I whispered, my voice trembling with a terrifying blend of disbelief and homicidal rage. "It's a literal match."
I regretted everything. The system wasn't just an annoying AI; it was a certified, professional, interdimensional scammer.
=====°°°°°
Playing with Fire
"Hey! The little rat stopped running!" Ugly #1 shouted, his voice snapping me out of my existential despair.
I whipped around to find the remaining two Alphas skidding to a halt just ten feet away from me.
They were panting heavily, their faces flushed with anger, but seeing me standing defenseless in the middle of the clearing brought the smug, arrogant grins right back to their faces.
Ugly #3 was still nowhere to be seen, likely still mourning his lost future children back in the bushes.
"What's that in your hand, little Omega?" Ugly #2 jeered, squinting at my right hand.
"Are you trying to threaten us with a tiny piece of wood? How adorable!"
"I'm going to break your legs for what you did to our brother," Ugly #1 growled, cracking his knuckles with a sickening pop.
"Let's see how brave you are when you can't even crawl."
My heart hammered against my ribs like a trapped bird.
*Think, Shao Tien, think!* The system said this piece of garbage had a 30% defense boost and a 20% attack boost, along with "fire magic equipped."
But how on earth was I supposed to activate fire magic with a single matchstick without a striking strip?!
*Wait. The system said it has a protection seal for the welder... wait, wielder!*
"Hey, System!" I hissed internally.
"How do I light this thing?!"
"Just strike it against any rough surface, host! Or use your imagination! Fire magic responds to your willpower!~" the system chirped, completely recovered from its crying fit.
"My imagination? Are you serious?!"
The two Alphas lunged forward at the same time, their massive hands reaching out to grab my shoulders. In a reflex born of pure, unadulterated panic, I raised the matchstick and swiped the red tip aggressively against the rough fabric of my own denim trousers.
*SHWFFFF!*
To my absolute shock, a brilliant, blinding blue flame erupted from the tiny wooden stick. It didn't just burn like a normal match; the flame shot upward, expanding instantly into a roaring, miniature vortex of mystical blue fire that completely enveloped my right hand.
"Whoa, whoa, hot! Wait, it doesn't burn?!" I gasped.
The system wasn't lying about the protection seal. The blue fire was dancing across my skin, swirling around my fingers like a living entity, but it felt completely cool—almost pleasant—to the touch.
My hand was perfectly unharmed.
The two Alphas, however, did not have a protection seal.
When they lunged, their hands came into direct contact with the perimeter of the blue flame.
The moment the mystical fire brushed against their skin, a massive, concussive force exploded outward.
*BOOM!*
"GAHHH!" Ugly #1 screamed as the blast wave hit him square in the chest, sending him flying backward through the air.
He crashed hard into a thick oak tree, his eyes rolling back into his head as he slumped down, completely out of commission.
Ugly #2 managed to halt his momentum, but the sheer heat radiating from the blue fire singed his eyebrows clean off. He stumbled backward, clutching his face in sheer terror as he stared at me—or rather, stared at the terrifying, blue-flamed entity I had suddenly become.
"W-What kind of monster are you?!" Ugly #2 stammered, his previous arrogance completely evaporating.
"Omegas can't use magic like this! You're a demon!"
"Oh, now I'm a demon?" I laughed, a sudden rush of absolute power rushing through my veins.
The matchstick was burning down remarkably slowly, acting more like a magical wand than a piece of kindling.
"A minute ago, you said I was only good for being in a bed! Let's see how you like the Boy Scout special!"
I took a menacing step forward, raising my flaming hand. Ugly #2 shrieked like a terrified toddler, turned right around, and began sprinting away in the opposite direction, abandoning his two knocked-out brothers without a single backward glance.
"Yeah, you better run!" I shouted after him, pumping my flaming fist into the air.
"Don't ever underestimate the power of proper camping tools, you coward!"
=====°°°°°
Enter the Male Lead (And Perfect Timing)
"Wow, host! That was absolutely magnificent!" the system cheered inside my head, throwing digital confetti across my vision.
"Look at you, conquering your enemies with a single match! Your attack power was off the charts!"
"Shut up, you glorified lighter," I huffed, trying to blow out the blue flame. It took three heavy blows before the mystical fire finally extinguished, leaving the matchstick looking perfectly pristine and unburnt.
*Huh. I guess it's reusable. Neat.*
Before I could ask the system how to store the item, the loud rustling of leaves and the heavy thud of approaching footsteps echoed from the thick brush to my left.
My muscles tensed instantly. *Oh great, is there a fourth one?*
I quickly raised the matchstick again, ready to strike it against my pants at a moment's notice.
The bushes parted, and a tall, commanding figure stepped into the clearing.
The moment he appeared, the entire atmosphere of the forest seemed to shift. The ambient temperature dropped, and an overwhelming, suffocating aura of pure, unadulterated power washed over the area.
He was wearing an immaculate, dark midnight-blue coat that seemed to absorb the light around it. His silver hair fell perfectly across his sharp, aristocratic brow, framing a face so flawlessly handsome it looked like it had been sculpted by ancient gods who spent a millennium perfecting every single line.
His piercing, icy-blue eyes scanned the clearing, instantly locking onto me.
It was him. The Male Lead. Lord Lin Feng.
He looked at the unconscious body of Ugly #1 slumped against the tree. Then, his gaze drifted to the scuff marks on the dirt, and finally, his eyes descended to lock onto my hand, which was currently holding a tiny, ridiculous wooden matchstick in a defensive martial arts pose.
The silence stretching between us was loud enough to wake the dead.
"System," I whispered frantically in my mind.
"He's just standing there staring at me. What do I do? What is the protocol for impressing an overpowered male lead while holding a piece of kindling?!"
"Quick, host! Show off your charm! Give him a smoldering, mysterious look that says, 'I am a dangerous warrior who handles fire, but I am also deeply complex!'~" the system advised unhelpfully.
I cleared my throat, lowered my matchstick slightly, and tried to adopt what I thought was a cool, effortless, dangerous-warrior expression.
Unfortunately, because I was still completely out of breath from sprinting for my life, it probably just looked like I was having a mild stroke.
Lin Feng took a slow, deliberate step toward me. His expression was entirely unreadable, a mask of pure, icy stoicism.
"Did you... do this?" he asked, his voice a deep, resonant baritone that literally vibrated through the ground beneath my feet.
"Uh," I stammered, my bravado completely dissolving under his intense gaze. I looked at the massive Alpha knocked out against the tree, then back to the tiny matchstick in my hand.
"Yes? With... with great power comes great responsibility?"
Lin Feng stopped a few feet away from me. He looked down at the matchstick, then raised his eyes to meet mine.
For a split second, I could swear I saw the tiniest, almost imperceptible twitch at the corner of his perfect lips.
"A match," he stated flatly.
"It's a magical match," I corrected weakly, feeling my cheeks flush with an intense, burning heat that had absolutely nothing to do with fire magic.
"It has a 30% defense boost. And it's reusable."
Lin Feng stared at me for three more agonizing seconds before letting out a soft, low exhale that sounded suspiciously like a suppressed chuckle.
"Fascinating," he murmured, his icy-blue eyes gleaming with a sudden, intense curiosity that made my heart do a weird, completely unwarranted flip.
"You are certainly an unusual Omega, Shao Tien."
" Ding!~" the system chimed loudly in my ear.
"Congratulations, host! The Male Lead's interest level has increased by 15%! He thinks you are incredibly quirky and mysterious! Excellent job using the Boy Scout method!"
I wanted to sink directly into the dirt and disappear forever. But as I looked at Lin Feng's stunning face, and then back at the unconscious villains scattered in the forest, a small, triumphant smile tugged at my lips.
Hey, it wasn't the most glamorous victory in the history of transmigration, but I survived. And at the end of the day, that's all that really matters.