Chapter Twenty-Nine: A Morning of Decisions
Dginnie woke to warmth.
A familiar arm was resting around her waist.
She was tucked against a broad chest, her cheek nestled against a shoulder.
For a moment, she simply lay there.
Then she smiled.
Kael.
She had become accustomed to his presence in her life. His warmth, his teasing, his affection. Once, waking up with him holding her would have sent her into a panic.
Now she found herself rather pleased.
She shifted closer.
His arm tightened.
"Good morning," he murmured.
She looked up.
"Good morning."
He smiled sleepily.
She snuggled into him.
It was comfortable.
Very comfortable.
Then she noticed something.
She looked down.
Then up.
Then down again.
There was a pause.
"Kael."
"Hmm?"
"Why..."
He opened one eye.
"Why what?"
She looked under the blankets.
Then at him.
Then under the blankets again.
"Why are you naked?"
He smiled.
"Because I sleep better that way."
She shot upright.
"WHAT?"
He laughed.
"Dginnie."
"You slept in my bed!"
"Yes."
"Naked!"
"Yes."
"With me!"
"That was the general idea."
She made a strangled noise and scrambled out of bed.
Kael rolled onto his back, laughing.
"No way! My bed's been defiled!"
"Not at all. And yet you kissed me, the defiler of your bed."
"That is not the point!"
She disappeared into the bathroom and shut the door.
He could hear her muttering.
He was still laughing when he got up.
---
By the time Dginnie emerged, dressed and ready for class, Kael had prepared breakfast.
It was a rather lovely breakfast.
He had packed it into a container she could take with her, along with a drink and a small selection of snacks.
She eyed him suspiciously.
"What's all this?"
"Breakfast."
"I can see that."
"Then I have successfully identified it."
She gave him a look.
He handed her the container.
"Eat it before your first lecture."
"Thank you."
He leaned down and kissed her.
She did not refuse.
In fact, after a moment, she returned the kiss.
Kael looked rather pleased.
He kissed her once more.
Then he stopped her before she could reach the door.
"Dginnie."
"Hmm?"
"When should we register?"
She stared at him.
The question was so direct that it took her a moment to respond.
"Register?"
"Our matebond."
"Oh."
She looked at her timetable.
Kael took it from her and examined the schedule.
"You have a break here. It coincides with mine."
He pointed.
She leaned closer.
"That's only an hour."
"Enough for the registration appointment."
"Would it be?"
"Yes. I've already checked."
She looked at him.
"You've checked?"
"Of course."
He handed the timetable back.
"I'll arrange the appointment. We can go together."
She looked at the marked time.
Next fortnight.
Just a few days away.
A few days.
She was going to register a matebond.
With Kael.
Her roommate.
The snow leopard who had been teasing her for months.
The snow leopard who had sat on her, groomed her, and kissed her until she fainted.
She felt a strange flutter in her stomach.
"All right."
Kael's smile was immediate.
"All right?"
"Yes."
He kissed her forehead.
"Good."
Then he lifted one finger.
"However."
Dginnie blinked.
"However?"
"We still need to discuss things properly."
She looked at him.
"Such as?"
"What we expect from the relationship. Where we'll live. How we'll divide responsibilities. What sort of boundaries we want. What happens when one of us is away. How we handle disagreements. Whether either of us has particular expectations about children."
Dginnie stared.
He smiled.
"We should have a proper compatibility discussion."
She slowly nodded.
"Yes. We should."
"And we need to confirm the weekend with my family."
Her shoulders stiffened.
Kael noticed.
He immediately kissed her cheek.
"One thing at a time."
She gave him a wary look.
He flicked open his wrist e-brain
"I've made a list."
"Uh-huh."
"You're welcome."
He began entering their available times into a scheduling program to be shared with their individual digital calendars.
They arranged a meeting to discuss their expectations and boundaries. Another time was set aside for Kael to explain his clan and species customs. They confirmed the weekend for the family visit with Dginnie's reluctant agreement.
Then he added the registration appointment.
Dginnie watched the calendar fill up.
It was oddly reassuring.
Everything had a place.
Everything could be discussed.
Nothing needed to be rushed simply because the university had decided she was running out of time.
Kael handed the device back.
"There. A plan."
She looked at it.
Then at him. Her eyes seemed to be smarting.
She wasn't crying. It was just a speck of dust that had somehow gotten into her eye. Really. She wasn't touched to tears.
"Thank you."
He smiled.
"You're welcome, future Mrs Veyr."
Her face turned pink.
"Kael!"
He laughed and stole another kiss.
This time she kissed him back without hesitation.
---
Dginnie arrived at class somewhat dazed.
She had eaten breakfast, although she could not remember much of it.
She had also kissed Kael goodbye.
Twice.
She had a schedule for discussing their future, a tentative weekend for meeting his family, and a registration appointment in a few days.
She sat down, placed her books on the desk, and opened her notes.
Her mouth was still trying to smile.
It was ridiculous.
She was ridiculous.
But inside, she was bubbling.
She had chosen him.
Or perhaps she was still choosing him, every time she thought about it.
Either way, the thought made her feel warm.
------------------------------------
Chapter Thirty: The Competition
Advisor Merrow listened carefully when Dginnie explained the situation.
She was particularly interested in the fact that the two had arranged a proper discussion of expectations and boundaries before registering.
"Good," Merrow said. "That's sensible."
Dginnie nodded.
"And you've agreed on a registration appointment?"
"Yes."
"With Kael?"
"Yes."
Merrow looked at her for a moment.
Then she smiled.
"Well. I suppose I should congratulate you."
Dginnie blushed.
"Thank you."
"I'll place your compatibility sessions on hold until the first mating ritual and bonding are complete. That should prevent any unnecessary complications with the scheduling system."
Dginnie looked relieved.
"Thank you. I appreciate that."
Merrow made a note.
"There will still be some administrative matters to settle afterwards. But for now, you can concentrate on your decision and your preparations."
Dginnie nodded.
She was about to leave when Merrow added, "And Dginnie?"
"Yes?"
"Please try to sleep."
Dginnie looked away.
Merrow sighed.
"That was not a suggestion."
---
The news travelled through the university's compatibility network.
Some participants were pleased.
Others were disappointed.
Professor Halven was among the latter.
He read the notice twice.
Dginnie Inlost's compatibility sessions had been suspended pending her forthcoming mating ritual and matebond registration.
He set the notice down.
So she had chosen someone.
He was not particularly surprised. He had suspected she was becoming attached to another candidate.
Still, he was disappointed.
He had rather enjoyed their conversations.
And he had not yet decided that he was willing to be forgotten.
Across the network, Mr. Serevin reacted considerably less graciously.
He had already been rejected.
Now he was being excluded from the process altogether.
He read the notice with all six hands clenched.
Dginnie Inlost was making a serious mistake.
And he intended to make sure she understood that.
---
Kael heard about the notice before Dginnie did.
He was pleased.
Very pleased.
He was less pleased when he learned that Serevin had been seen near the building where Dginnie attended her afternoon classes. He had met the man before and seen him from a distance. He hadn't liked what he had seen. Not at all. His instincts told him that there was something wrong and dangerous about the man. He smelled like a mentally ill patient prone to paranoia and obsession.
He found her afterwards and walked her back to the dormitory.
"Anything happen today?" he asked casually.
"No. Why?"
"Just asking."
She looked at him.
"Kael."
He glanced down.
"Yes?"
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
She narrowed her eyes.
He smiled.
"Just keep an eye out for Serevin. Don't go anywhere alone with him."
Her expression changed.
"Has he done something?"
"Not yet."
"Then why?"
"Because I don't trust him."
Dginnie frowned.
She did not like the sound of that.
Kael squeezed her hand.
"Stay with your friends when you can. If he approaches you, let me know."
She nodded.
He kissed her temple.
"Good."
---
Professor Halven's first accidental meeting occurred the following morning.
Dginnie was leaving a lecture when she found him standing near the corridor entrance, speaking with another member of staff.
He noticed her.
"Miss Inlost."
She stopped.
"Professor Halven."
"How are you?"
"I'm well, thank you."
"Good. I was hoping to ask you something about the resource distribution paper you submitted."
She blinked.
"Of course."
He stepped aside to let her pass, then continued his conversation with the other staff member.
It was brief, polite, and entirely appropriate.
And it meant that when Serevin appeared at the far end of the corridor, Dginnie was already standing beside the professor.
Halven noticed the six-armed man.
His expression did not change when he noticed the glare in their direction.
"Is there a problem, Mr. Serevin?"
Serevin looked away.
"No, Professor."
"Then I assume you have somewhere else to be."
The man looked at Dginnie.
Then at Halven.
He eventually turned around and strode off with stomping steps and a growl.
Dginnie let out a breath.
"Thank you."
Halven inclined his head.
"You're welcome."
He did not ask why Serevin had been looking for her.
He did, however, offer to walk with her to her next lecture.
She accepted. Serevin's glare had unsettled her.
---
Kael heard about the encounter later.
He was not entirely pleased.
Not because Halven had helped her.
That was perfectly reasonable.
In fact, Kael was grateful that the professor had intervened.
He was less certain how he felt about the fact that Halven seemed to be finding opportunities to spend time with Dginnie. Always somehow happening to accidentally cross her path.
"He's been rather attentive," Kael observed one evening after they had shared with each other about their day.
Dginnie looked up from her notes.
"Professor Halven?"
"Yes."
"He helped me. I feel a bit safer with him escorting me to classes."
"I heard."
"He was very polite."
"I heard that too."
She watched him.
"Are you jealous?"
Kael looked at her.
Then he smiled.
"A little."
She blushed.
He leaned over and kissed her forehead.
"But I don't mind a little competition."
Dginnie looked doubtful.
"Really?"
"Of course. You're allowed to have friends."
"He's not exactly a friend."
"Then a prospective friend."
"Kael."
He laughed.
"I trust you to make your own decisions."
She looked down at her notes.
That was the trouble, really.
She had not completely rejected Halven.
She liked him. She admired his intelligence, his manner, and the way he could discuss difficult subjects without making her feel foolish.
But she had also begun to realise that liking someone was not necessarily the same as wanting to build a life with them. Besides, there was the problem of reptile-human intimacy compatibility. Add to that the fact she wasn't particularly fond of any kind of reptile. They had always scared her in the past and it likely wasn't going to change in the future.
Kael, meanwhile, had no intention of making her decision for her.
He was quite prepared to be patient.
Although he was not particularly interested in Mr. Serevin receiving any further opportunities to approach her.
As for Professor Halven, he would simply have to see what happened.
After all, Dginnie had not yet told him to stop courting her.
And Kael, for all his confidence, knew better than to assume that winning her affection meant he could stop paying attention.
---------------------------------------
Chapter 31: The Things We Need to Talk About
Dginnie discovered Kael's notebook by accident.
Well, perhaps not entirely by accident.
She had been looking for something to read while waiting for him to finish showering, and the notebook had been lying on his desk, open beside a stack of papers. She had not intended to snoop. She had merely glanced down, recognised a question she had asked him a few days ago, and stopped.
Beneath the question was Kael's answer, written in his neat handwriting.
Below that was another question, apparently one he had thought of himself.
And below that was an answer.
Dginnie leaned closer.
There were several pages of this.
She picked up the notebook and began turning the pages, growing increasingly fascinated. Some entries were short. Others contained explanations, examples, and occasional remarks that looked suspiciously like Kael making fun of her questions.
She found one beside which he had written, Dginnie is overthinking this.
Her eyes narrowed.
She turned another page.
She will probably ask about this next.
Dginnie stared at the words.
Then she heard the shower stop.
She hurriedly closed the notebook and put it back exactly where she had found it.
Kael emerged a few minutes later, his hair damp, his ears still slightly flattened from the shower. He looked at her, then at his desk.
"Did you find something interesting?"
"No."
His ears rose.
"That was a very quick answer."
"I found your notebook."
"Ah."
"You've been writing down answers to my questions."
"Yes."
"And questions you think I'll ask."
Kael considered this.
"Some of them."
"How many?"
"That depends on how many you ask."
Dginnie folded her arms.
"You're making fun of me."
"Not at all." His mouth twitched. "I'm preparing for a lively and intellectually stimulating future."
"Kael."
"Snow leopard tradition. We prepare carefully for our hunts."
"Am I the prey?"
"No." He approached her, his expression softening. "You're the person I'm trying very hard not to frighten away."
Unfair.
He had said it so casually, without any theatrical flourish or attempt to make her feel guilty. He had simply admitted it, as though it were an ordinary fact about himself.
Dginnie looked away first.
"Well, I'm still here. And I have more questions."
"Blow me down."
She looked at him again.
"Can we use the notebook properly, then? Sit down and go through things together? I keep thinking of questions at inconvenient times, and sometimes I don't know how to phrase them. If we write things down, we can work through them instead of forgetting half of what we meant to ask."
Kael's expression changed. The teasing gave way to something warmer.
"Of course."
He pulled out two chairs and placed them beside each other rather than opposite one another. Then he slid the notebook onto the space on the desk between the seats with a pair of pens.
Dginnie sat down.
Kael sat beside her, close enough that their shoulders touched.
She glanced at the notebook.
"Where should we begin?"
"With what you want to know."
"That is a very broad subject."
"I have noticed."
She nudged his arm.
He smiled and turned to a fresh page.
At the top, he wrote:
Our Relationship: Expectations and Boundaries
Dginnie watched him finish the heading.
Then she took the second pen.
"All right," she said. "First question. What exactly do we expect from this relationship?"
Kael looked at her.
"I expect to be your mate."
"I know that part."
"I expect you to let me kiss you."
"You're already allowed to do that."
His ears perked up.
"Then I have made excellent progress."
"You have."
"Anything else?"
Dginnie thought about it.
"Honesty. I want us to be able to talk about things, even when they're uncomfortable. I don't want either of us to pretend we're fine when we're not."
Kael nodded and wrote it down.
"What else?"
"I want us to be able to disagree without one person assuming the relationship is in danger."
His pen paused.
"That is a good one."
"I don't want every disagreement to become a test of whether we love each other enough. Sometimes people disagree because they have different opinions. Or because one of them is tired. Or because one of them has failed to consider something important."
"Or because one of them is a stubborn snow leopard."
Dginnie looked at him.
"Are you volunteering?"
"I thought it would save you the trouble of writing my name."
She laughed, and he added the remark in smaller letters beneath her answer.
Then he turned the notebook towards her.
"My turn."
He considered the page for a moment.
"I want you to tell me when something is wrong. Even if you think it's unimportant. Especially if you think it's unimportant."
Dginnie looked down at the notebook.
"I can try."
"I know you can. But I don't want you to feel that you must solve everything alone before you can tell me about it."
She felt a small, uncomfortable tug in her chest.
He was thinking about the day she had buried herself in research until she had missed classes and fallen asleep at her desk. He was thinking about the things she still did not understand, and how readily she tried to make up for them without telling anyone how frightened she was.
"I don't always know what to say," she admitted.
"Then say that."
"What if I don't know what I need?"
"Then we can work it out."
"What if I need time?"
"Then you take time."
"What if you don't like my answer?"
"I may not like it." Kael set down his pen. "But that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it."
She studied him.
"You make it sound very simple."
"It isn't always simple. It is, however, something I want us to do."
He took her hand, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles.
"I don't need you to be easy to live with every day, Dginnie. I need you to be yourself. If something is bothering you, I want to know. If you need space, tell me. If you need help, ask. And if you don't want something, you can say no."
She swallowed.
"Even if it's something you really want?"
"Even then."
His answer came without hesitation.
She looked at their joined hands.
"All right."
He squeezed her fingers once before returning to the notebook.
They wrote down several more expectations. Neither of them wanted to keep secrets that would affect the other's wellbeing. Both wanted affection, companionship, and the freedom to pursue their own interests. Both wanted their home to be a place where they could rest rather than another place where they had to perform a role.
Then they came to the question of where they would live.
"Your clan lands?" Dginnie asked.
"Possibly. But not immediately."
"Why not?"
"Because we both need to finish our studies, and then we'll both have work to consider as well. There are opportunities in the city. We could stay here for a while and decide later whether to return to the clan lands."
"Would you be unhappy if we stayed in the city permanently?"
Kael leaned back in his chair.
"I would miss my family. I would miss hunting on familiar ground. I would miss the mountains and the snow."
Dginnie waited.
"But I wouldn't necessarily be unhappy," he continued. "I don't believe the only worthwhile life is one lived where I was born. And I don't intend to choose a place to live without considering what you need."
"What if my work takes us somewhere else?"
"Then we discuss it."
"What if you get an excellent opportunity somewhere I don't want to live?"
"Then we discuss it."
She gave him a look.
"You can't answer everything with 'we discuss it'."
"I can, actually. I have excellent conversational stamina."
"Kael."
He laughed.
"Very well. We consider the opportunities, the costs, our preferences, and what we would be giving up. Then we decide together."
She wrote that down.
They discussed the division of responsibilities next.
Dginnie had expected this to be straightforward. Instead, she found herself asking questions she had not considered before.
Who would cook?
Who would clean?
Would they share shopping and household expenses?
What happened when one of them was busy with work and the other had more time?
What if they had cubs?
Kael appeared faintly amused by the number of questions, but he answered every one.
"I can cook," he said.
"I know."
"You like my cooking."
"I do."
"Then I shall continue."
"That doesn't mean you should be responsible for every meal."
"Why not?"
"Because I can cook too."
"I have eaten your cooking."
Dginnie narrowed her eyes.
"That sounded suspiciously like an insult."
"It was a factual observation."
"My cooking is perfectly edible."
"Of course."
"You don't sound convinced."
"I am convinced that you can cook. I am also convinced that you sometimes forget that food needs to be taken off the heat."
"That happened once."
"Twice."
"The second time was because you distracted me."
"I was sitting across the room."
"You were being distracting from across the room."
His tail curled around the leg of her chair.
Dginnie stared at it.
Then she looked back at him.
"Impossible man."
"And yet, you have agreed to become my mate."
She tried not to smile.
She failed.
They settled on sharing household responsibilities according to their abilities, schedules, and circumstances rather than assigning everything permanently to one person. If one of them was overloaded, the other would help where possible. Neither wanted the home to become a place where one person silently accumulated resentment while the other remained blissfully unaware.
"What about expenses?" Dginnie asked.
"We can decide on a system once we know where we're living and what we're earning."
"Separate accounts?"
"That seems sensible. We can also have a shared household fund."
She nodded, pleased that he did not appear offended by the idea of financial independence.
"I don't want to have to ask permission to buy something for myself."
"I don't want you to have to ask permission to buy something for yourself."
"And I don't want you to feel that you have to justify every purchase to me."
"Then we agree on what goes into the household fund and what remains personal."
She wrote it down, then paused.
"You're being very reasonable."
"Would you prefer an argument?"
"No!"
"Then I shall continue being reasonable."
She poked his side.
He caught her hand and kissed her knuckles.
It was such an ordinary gesture that she almost forgot how recently she had been uncertain whether she was allowed to touch him at all.
Almost.
She still noticed every time he kissed her. She simply no longer felt that she needed to flee the room afterwards.
They moved on to boundaries.
Dginnie found herself explaining that she loved being close to Kael, but she also needed time alone. She wanted to read, study, work, and occasionally sit in silence without feeling obliged to entertain anyone.
Kael listened without interrupting.
"I like having you around," he said when she finished. "But I don't need you to be beside me every moment. I have my own work and interests, too."
"What if I want an entire afternoon to myself?"
"Then you have an entire afternoon to yourself."
"What if you want one?"
"Then I shall have one."
"What if I want one while you're home?"
"Then I shall try very hard not to perish from the terrible experience of being in the same building as the woman I love without speaking to her."
She laughed.
"You're exaggerating."
"Only slightly."
He wrote their agreement in the notebook.
They would tell one another when they needed time alone, respect that request, and avoid treating solitude as rejection. They would also make time for one another deliberately rather than assuming that living together automatically meant they were spending meaningful time together.
"What happens when one of us is away?" Dginnie asked.
Kael's expression softened.
"Do you mean for work?"
"For work. Or family visits. Or anything else that keeps us apart."
"We stay in contact as much as circumstances allow. We tell each other what we can about our plans. If something changes, we let the other know."
"And if one of us is too busy to communicate much?"
"We explain that beforehand, if possible, rather than leaving the other to wonder."
She nodded slowly.
She remembered the five weeks he had been away on placement. She had missed him more than she had expected, and it had taken her an embarrassing amount of time to admit it.
"I'd like that," she said.
Kael looked at her.
"Would you like me to tell you when I miss you?"
She felt her face warm.
"Yes."
"Even if I do it frequently?"
"Within reason."
"Define reason."
"Kael."
He grinned and wrote down her answer.
Then they reached disagreements.
This time, neither of them joked immediately.
"I don't want to feel that I have to agree with you because you're bigger than me," Dginnie said.
Kael went still.
She hurried on.
"I know you wouldn't deliberately use your strength against me. I'm not saying I think you would. But you're a snow leopard. You're stronger than I am, and there are things about your instincts and customs that I don't understand. I need to know that if we disagree, I can stand my ground without being frightened."
He listened carefully.
"You can," he said. "And if I ever make you feel otherwise, I want you to tell me."
"What if I'm too frightened to tell you?"
His ears lowered slightly.
"Then we need a way to make sure that doesn't happen."
He thought for a while before speaking again.
"We can agree that either of us can call a pause when an argument becomes too heated - or if you feel scared or intimidated by me at any time. We can step away, calm down, and return to it when we're ready. I won't follow you if you've asked for space, unless I have a genuine reason to think you're in danger."
"Can we have a safe word? Like 'barley'?"
"Barley?"
"Because it sounds like 'parley' but we might already be having a discussion - possibly a heated one, and it's a word we used in my childhood during games meaning we need a break."
"Very well. And just so you know, you can use it during intimacy as a safe word too. If you use it, I will do my best to stop and respect your wishes. I can't promise entirely that I will hear you when I am in my rut though. But I promise I will certainly stop if I do hear you say the word."
"And we don't settle disagreements by deciding that the other person must obey?"
"No."
"Even if one of us is convinced they're right?"
"Being convinced you're right doesn't make you right."
Dginnie looked at him with surprise.
He shrugged.
"My family has provided me with extensive opportunities to learn this lesson."
She laughed, and the tension eased.
They agreed to explain their reasoning, listen to one another, and revisit a disagreement if neither was satisfied with the outcome. They would not use affection, silence, money, or threats of abandonment as weapons. Nor would they treat a request for time to think as an admission of guilt.
Dginnie wrote that part herself.
Her handwriting was smaller than Kael's, and she took care to phrase it precisely.
When she finished, he read it and nodded.
"Good."
She looked at him.
"Is there anything you want to add?"
"Yes."
He took the pen from her and wrote beneath her words.
We are allowed to change our minds about things we have not yet experienced. We should tell each other when we do.
Dginnie read it twice.
"That's important."
"I thought so."
She rested her head against his shoulder for a moment.
Then she straightened.
"Children."
Kael's tail stopped moving.
"Children," he agreed.
"Do you want them?"
"Yes."
"How many?"
He considered the question.
"I don't have a fixed number in mind. I'd like cubs, but I haven't decided that a particular number is necessary for a happy life."
Dginnie let out a breath she had not realised she was holding.
"Would you be disappointed if we had fewer than you expected?"
"I might have feelings about circumstances we couldn't control. But I wouldn't consider our family a failure because it was smaller than someone else thought it should be."
"What if I want to wait until I've finished my studies and found work?"
"Then we wait."
"What if I want to wait longer?"
"We discuss what that means for both of us, including the medical considerations and any risks that might come with waiting. But I won't insist that you have cubs before you're ready."
She looked at him carefully.
"And if I discover that I don't want children at all?"
Kael took his time answering.
"I want children, Dginnie. I won't pretend otherwise. If you eventually decide you never want any, that would be a serious difference between us, and we'd have to talk honestly about it. But I won't tell you that you must want them just because I do."
It was not the easiest answer she could have received.
It was, however, an honest one.
She appreciated that.
"I don't know how many I want," she admitted. "I don't even know what pregnancy would be like for someone like me in this place. I need to learn more before I can decide."
"Then that's what we'll do."
"And I don't want either of us to assume that having cubs means I stop being a person with ambitions."
"I would never expect you to stop being yourself."
"I might want to work after having them."
"Then we'll work out how to make that possible."
"I might want to continue studying."
"Then we'll work that out, too."
She smiled faintly.
"You really do like that answer."
"I like the part where we keep finding ways to make things work."
He took her hand again.
"And I like the part where you tell me what you want, even when you're afraid I might disagree."
Dginnie leaned into him.
For a while, they sat without writing anything.
The notebook remained open on the desk, filled with their handwriting. Some answers were practical. Some were tentative. A few ended with question marks because they needed more information before making a decision.
It did not look like the kind of document that could determine the course of a life.
It looked like two people trying to understand each other.
That was more reassuring than any perfect set of answers could have been.
Eventually, Dginnie lifted her head.
"We haven't discussed everything."
"No."
"We need to talk about your clan. And your species. And the mating ritual."
Kael's ears tilted back.
"Yes."
"And the things that might happen during it."
"Yes."
"And what you expect me to do."
"Yes."
"And what I can expect from you."
"Yes."
She studied his face.
"You're nervous."
"A little."
"Why?"
He looked down at their hands.
"Because I want to get this right. Because I know some of what you're about to learn will frighten you. Because there are things my instincts may make difficult, and I don't want you to feel that you have to endure something simply because it's part of our customs."
Dginnie squeezed his hand.
"Then we'll talk about those things."
He looked at her.
"Together?"
"Together."
Kael bent and kissed her forehead.
"All right, Dginnie."
She smiled against his shoulder.
Then she reached for the notebook and turned to a fresh page.
At the top, she wrote:
Things We Need to Understand Before the Mating Ritual
Kael glanced at the heading.
His tail curled around her waist.
"That," he said, "is going to be a very long list."
Dginnie looked at the many blank lines beneath it.
"I know."
She picked up her pen.
"Let's begin."
----------------------------------
Chapter 32: A Snow Leopard's Promises
The next discussion began the next evening with Dginnie holding Kael's notebook in both hands and looking at him as though she were about to sit an examination for which the syllabus had been deliberately concealed.
Kael regarded her with some sympathy.
"Would you like tea first?"
"Would tea help?"
"It might."
"Then yes."
He got up to prepare it.
Dginnie looked down at the notebook again.
The list they had started the previous evening had grown. Some questions were hers, some were his, and some had emerged from their earlier answers. A few had been marked with little stars because Kael thought they were particularly important.
One had been underlined twice.
What happens when instincts become difficult to control?
Dginnie stared at it.
She had asked the question herself.
She still did not like seeing it written down.
Kael returned with two cups and set one beside her. He sat down, took the notebook, and read the first question aloud.
"Before we begin, I want to make something clear."
Dginnie looked up.
"The mating ritual is part of our biology and culture. It matters to me. I want to experience it with you, and I want us to become mates. But the ritual is not more important than you."
She held his gaze.
"If something is wrong, we address it. If you're frightened, I want to know. If something happens that neither of us expected, we deal with it together. I don't want you to believe that you have to endure something because I have instincts or because my family tells you it's normal. Like we agreed yesterday, feel free to use the safe word you chose, 'barley' to stop me whenever you need."
Dginnie looked down at the notebook.
"Thank you."
"I mean it."
"I know."
She took a sip of tea, grateful for the pause.
"All right. Let's start with the customs I understand least."
"That narrows it down considerably."
She kicked him gently beneath the table.
He smiled.
"The first one is scent marking."
Kael's ears lifted.
Dginnie tried to maintain a serious expression.
"You've been doing it for a while, haven't you?"
"Yes."
"And I haven't been doing it back."
"I noticed."
"Because humans don't do that. At least, not the way beastmen do. I'm not interested in rubbing myself on furniture to announce that I live there."
Kael's tail twitched.
"That is not usually the purpose."
"I understand the general idea. I just find the mental image rather undignified."
"You don't have to mark furniture."
"Good."
"Though you could mark me."
Dginnie stared at him.
He looked entirely too pleased with himself.
"You're enjoying this."
"A little."
She took the pen and wrote in the notebook.
Dginnie is willing to learn about scent marking but has no intention of becoming a piece of furniture.
Kael leaned over to read it.
"That is a very important distinction."
She added:
Kael appears to find this funny.
He laughed.
Then his expression softened.
"You don't have to imitate every custom exactly as my family does it. Scent marking can be affectionate. It can also communicate familiarity and belonging. If you want to mark me, you can. If you don't, we can find other ways for you to express the same feelings."
Dginnie considered that.
"So it isn't a test I have to pass?"
"No."
"And you won't think I don't care about you if I don't do it?"
"No."
She nodded and wrote down the answer.
Then she hesitated.
"What if I do want to mark you?"
Kael's ears rose so quickly that she nearly laughed.
"Then I would be very happy."
"Would you?"
"Extremely."
"How extremely?"
"Dginnie."
She smiled into her cup.
"All right. I'll consider it once I figure out how to do it."
He looked as though he had just received an unexpected gift.
The next subject was singing.
Dginnie explained that the call-and-response ritual reminded her of cats yowling beneath houses during mating season.
Kael looked offended.
"That is a terrible comparison."
"Is it inaccurate?"
"Yes."
"Do you sing?"
"Of course."
"I've never heard you sing."
"You've heard me call."
"I've heard you yowl."
"I do not yowl."
"Then what was that noise you made when Riven startled you in the corridor?"
Kael opened his mouth.
Closed it.
Then he wrote something in the notebook.
Dginnie leaned over to read it.
Dginnie is deliberately misrepresenting a perfectly respectable vocalisation.
She laughed so hard she had to put down her cup.
Kael watched her with a helpless smile.
"Would you like me to sing for you?" he asked.
She stopped laughing.
"Would you?"
"Yes."
"Then I'd like that."
His expression became unexpectedly shy.
It was such a small change, but she noticed it. Kael could flirt with confidence, tease her without hesitation, and speak about his intentions with a directness that sometimes left her breathless. Yet the thought of singing privately for her seemed to make him self-conscious.
Dginnie reached for his hand.
"You don't have to do it now."
"I know."
"But I'd like to hear you."
"Wait until I've made some preparations and practised a bit before I make my singing debut."
She squeezed his fingers before letting go.
They moved on to the customs surrounding territory.
This was where Dginnie began to relax.
She understood the need for privacy. She understood the appeal of having a place that belonged to the two of them, where they could decide who was welcome and when they wanted company.
What she did not understand was how Kael expected to maintain a territory while working in the city.
"So, you patrol it?"
"Sometimes."
"How often?"
"That depends."
"On what?"
"The size of the territory, the season, whether there are disputes, and what else is happening."
"And if you're working?"
"I arrange my time."
"Your time is not infinite."
"No, but it is reasonably flexible."
"Your employer may disagree."
Kael grinned.
Dginnie narrowed her eyes.
"Are you imagining yourself leaving work to run around the mountains?"
"Only if you come with me."
"I have a job."
"You could work from home."
"Not every job allows that."
"Then I shall have to become very efficient at patrolling."
She stared at him.
He laughed and held up his hands.
"We don't have to decide every detail now. Territory is not necessarily a full-time occupation. Nor does it mean I must be physically present at every moment. We can discuss what makes sense if we return to the clan lands."
"And if we don't?"
"Then we work out what our living arrangements should be in the city."
Dginnie wrote down the question and answer.
Then she added a note of her own.
Having our own territory should allow us to spend time apart without treating it as a problem.
Kael read it.
"That is important to me, too."
She looked at him, surprised.
"Really?"
"Of course. I want to be with you. That doesn't mean I expect you to entertain me every waking moment."
"Good."
"I have hobbies."
"I know."
"I can be very entertaining on my own."
"I have also noticed."
He bumped her shoulder with his.
She smiled.
They discussed lead-and-follow customs next. Kael explained that a female might tease or encourage her mate to follow her, sometimes turning the pursuit into a playful chase.
Dginnie found this considerably more appealing than rubbing herself against furniture.
"That sounds fun."
"It can be."
"Can I do it in the city?"
"Within reason."
"What does that mean?"
"It means I would prefer you not to lure me into traffic."
She laughed.
"I wasn't planning to."
"Good. My family would be very disappointed if I were defeated by a street crossing."
Dginnie imagined herself slipping away from Kael at home, glancing back at him over her shoulder, and inviting him to follow.
Her imagination became more elaborate. Involving, lights, music and a strip tease. Ugh.
She cleared her throat.
Kael watched her.
"What are you thinking about?"
"Nothing."
"That was a very quick answer."
She pointed at him with her pen.
"Do not use my own words against me."
"I wouldn't dream of it."
He was absolutely dreaming of it.
She could tell by his tail.
They moved on to social bonding. This part was easier. They had already begun spending time together, nuzzling, grooming, and sharing affection. They had also started kissing since she had agreed to become his mate.
The thought made her smile.
Kael noticed.
"Something pleasant?"
"Yes."
"Would you like to share?"
She leaned towards him and kissed his cheek.
His ears rose.
"There," she said. "That was the pleasant thought."
Kael turned his face towards her.
"Would you like to have another?"
She kissed him properly this time.
It was still new enough to make her heart flutter, but no longer unfamiliar enough to frighten her. His hand rested against her cheek, and he kissed her gently before letting her draw back.
Neither of them spoke for a moment.
Then Dginnie looked at the notebook.
"We should continue."
"Of course."
"You look very pleased with yourself."
"I am a man of modest accomplishments."
She snorted.
He wrote something in the notebook.
"What did you write?"
"Nothing important."
She leaned across him to see.
Dginnie kissed me twice during a discussion about mating customs.
She covered her face.
"Kael!"
"I want an accurate record."
"You are not recording every kiss."
"Then our documentation will be incomplete."
She snatched the pen and crossed out the sentence.
He laughed and let her.
They continued through the remaining questions, including travelling together, visiting family, and how to balance time with relatives against time alone. Dginnie wanted to know whether visiting his clan counted as part of their mating customs.
"It can," Kael explained. "Travelling together gives a pair time to learn how they manage unfamiliar situations, make decisions, and care for one another. Visiting family also allows the clan to get to know you."
"Does everyone have to approve of the relationship?"
"No. Their opinions matter to me, but they don't get to choose my mate for me."
Dginnie studied him.
"And if someone doesn't like me?"
"Then I hope they will give you a fair chance. If they don't, I will deal with it."
"What if they think I'm strange?"
Kael's ears tilted.
"Some of them will."
She stared at him.
He winced.
"That was not the answer I intended."
"It's the honest answer."
"Yes. You are unusual. You have an unusual background, you ask questions that no one else would think to ask, and you don't know things that everyone assumes you should know. Some people will find that strange."
Dginnie looked down at the notebook.
"But I don't think strange means bad," he continued. "And I don't intend to let someone treat you poorly just because they don't understand you."
She felt the tightness in her chest ease.
"Thank you."
"You don't need to thank me for that."
"I know. I still want to."
He brushed his knuckles over her cheek.
They were almost finished when Kael turned to the question he had underlined twice.
"What happens when instincts become difficult to control?"
Dginnie looked at the words.
The warmth of their earlier conversation faded a little.
Kael folded his hands on the table.
"During the mating ritual, my instincts will be stronger than usual. That doesn't mean I will lose all awareness, but it does mean some behaviours will feel more natural and more urgent. I may be less patient than usual. I may want to keep you close. My body may respond before I've had time to think."
"And you could change into your beast form?"
"Yes."
"Even if you don't intend to?"
"Possibly."
Dginnie tried to imagine it.
She knew how large he was as a snow leopard. She knew how powerful he was. She also knew that the enormous creature who had once curled around her had been gentle, careful, and almost unbearably affectionate.
But the mating ritual would be different.
"Your notes mention biting the back of the neck," she said.
Kael's ears lowered.
"That is one of the instinctive behaviours associated with mating. The pressure and positioning matter. It should not injure you, but I understand why the thought frightens you. I will do my best to remain in human form for you."
"And mounting."
"Yes."
"And singing."
"Yes."
"And all of this could happen while you're in your beast form?"
"Some of it could."
Dginnie looked at him.
"You're much bigger than I am."
"I know."
"And stronger."
"I know."
"What if you hurt me?"
Kael did not answer immediately.
His expression had become very serious.
"That is what worries me most."
She looked up.
"I don't want to hurt you," he said. "I don't want my instincts to frighten you so badly that you feel trapped. I don't want you to endure pain because you think you must. I don't want to discover afterwards that you were frightened to tell me something was wrong. That's why I'm pleased you brought up the idea of 'barley'. I will do my best to protect and respect you."
Dginnie felt a small ache behind her ribs.
"You've been worrying about this?"
"Yes."
"How long?"
"A long time."
"Kael."
He looked at her.
"I know you wouldn't deliberately hurt me."
"That isn't the same as knowing I can't hurt you accidentally."
She had no answer to that.
He continued, more quietly.
"I want us to attend the initial supervised mating session. It would give us a chance to learn what to expect, ask questions of people who understand the process, and make sure we're prepared. I would feel more confident if we had guidance rather than relying entirely on what I think I know. And knowing that if I did lose control or were about to lose control, they can protect and save you and get you any immediate medical assistance you may need."
Dginnie looked at the notebook again.
She had expected his knowledge of the ritual to reassure her.
Instead, every new detail had given her something else to worry about.
The idea of a supervised session was sensible. It was also one more reminder that the ritual was not a simple romantic occasion. It was a major physical and biological event, with consequences she was still struggling to understand.
"What happens if I'm frightened during the session?" she asked.
"Then we tell them. We ask questions. We take the time we need."
"And if I decide I'm not ready?"
"Then we wait."
She searched his face.
"You keep saying that."
"Because I mean it."
"What if waiting makes things difficult for you?"
"It might. I won't pretend my instincts won't be affected. But my discomfort does not give me the right to force you into something you're not ready for."
She was quiet for a long moment.
Then she reached for his hand.
"I want to become your mate."
Kael's fingers closed around hers.
"I know."
"I've agreed to it more than once."
"I know."
"And I'm not saying 'yes' because I think I have to. I'm saying 'yes' because I want you."
His eyes softened.
"I believe you."
"But I need to understand what I'm agreeing to."
"Then we'll keep learning."
She nodded.
They wrote down the plan to attend the supervised session and seek advice about preparation, health, safety, and recovery. They also recorded the need to arrange time away from classes and work, taking into account the possibility that Dginnie might need several days, perhaps a week, to recover afterwards.
Kael explained that ordinary life should resume after the ritual, although she might feel exhausted and sore for some time.
Dginnie added a note to investigate how to manage her coursework around the expected dates.
Then they discussed pregnancy.
Kael's notes estimated a gestation period of ninety to one hundred and five days, with a litter of one to three cubs. One cub was the most likely outcome for a first litter.
Dginnie read the figures twice.
"That's not very long."
"No."
"And potentially three cubs."
"Potentially."
She looked at him.
"You could have mentioned that earlier."
"I wanted to discuss it with you properly rather than spring it on you."
She sighed.
"I appreciate that. I just need time to get used to the idea."
"Take all the time you need."
She wrote down the figures, then added a question about available medical care and what she would need to know before pregnancy.
Kael watched her write.
"You don't have to decide everything today."
"I know."
"Nor do you have to pretend you're less frightened than you are."
She paused.
"I don't want you to think I'm reluctant because I don't love you."
"I don't."
"I am frightened."
"I know."
"And I don't know what being a mate will feel like once it's no longer an idea on paper."
Kael lifted her hand and kissed the back of it.
"Neither do I, not completely."
She looked at him in surprise.
He smiled a little.
"I may know more about the customs, but this is new to me, too. I've never done this with someone I love. I've never had to consider another person's fears so carefully. I've never had to think about how to make sure my instincts don't overwhelm someone who trusts me."
Dginnie felt something shift inside her.
He wasn't simply the experienced beastman guiding an ignorant human through unfamiliar customs.
He was Kael, who wanted her, who was frightened of hurting her, and who was trying to prepare himself to be the kind of mate she could trust.
She leaned against him.
He wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
For a while, they sat quietly.
Then Dginnie lifted her head.
"I think I need to ask you something."
"Anything."
"If I become frightened during the ritual, will you remember this conversation?"
Kael's expression grew solemn.
"Yes. That's where your 'barley' comes in."
"If I need reassurance?"
"I'll give it."
"If I need you to slow down?"
"I'll do my best to respond."
"If I need help?"
"I'll help you."
She looked into his eyes.
"And if things become more difficult than either of us expected?"
"Then we seek help. We don't pretend everything is fine simply because we planned for it. Or you get the medical staff to knock me out."
She laughed and then nodded.
"All right."
He kissed her forehead.
"All right."
Dginnie looked at the notebook one last time. It was crowded with questions, answers, reminders, and a few jokes that she suspected Kael had written when she wasn't looking.
There were still things they did not know.
There were still fears they had not entirely overcome.
But they had made plans and made progress in the queue of questions and answers they needed.
Dginnie closed the notebook.
"Can we do something less serious now?"
Kael's ears perked up.
"What did you have in mind?"
She looked at his tail.
He followed her gaze.
Then he looked back at her, suddenly suspicious.
"Dginnie."
"I was thinking."
"That is what concerns me."
She smiled sweetly.
"Perhaps you could teach me how to mark you."
Kael went very still.
Then his tail curled around her waist.
"I believe," he said carefully, "that we have made excellent progress today."
Dginnie laughed.
And for the first time since they had begun discussing the mating ritual, she felt excited rather than frightened by what lay ahead.