"Get going, Bug," the guard demands, he and his buddies laughing away as I stay in the mud. I don't bother moving from my spot in the mud. I just... Keep on whimpering, whimpering in the mud as it finds its way onto my tongue. It's a horrendous, earthy taste that I can't help but spit out as I finally get moving again.
If one could even call it that, I'm just stumbling from spot to spot...
I'm shattered, exhausted and permanently fatigued in a way not even my insomniatic sleep can solve. I feel like I'm going to flop over dead because of it, it hurt to much to even yelp or groan at the pain to get up. Unluckily for me... I stay alive.
Undwote doesn't have the opportunity to find a tired, upset bug wandering through his mists. None of his hounds will find me, and I'll not be running for the barks and howls of the Pack of Seven. The only thing that does find me, as I struggle to even support myself against this wall of a building... A pile of rubbish that someone has just opened their window for.
"What kind of instinct is it...? To know when someone is going to throw used wipes and thrown away potato peelings?" I ask myself, otherwise not responding to the verbal abuse that's coming down after me. I just keep on walking and walking as it passes on by. All of it, every bit of it. Every curse, gesture, everywhere prayer group that suddenly shifts from thinking about their blessings to how I can be smited...
All the way until I'm in view of my dorm building again.
My prison, the prison I've been seeking solitude in for weeks upon weeks now. Easily more than a month now, maybe even two. The shitty little prison cell I've been relegated to because I'm a filthy bug... It's actually interesting, in a way, I suppose... Given where I am from.
Back home, we were always taught that prison cells are places with no clear exit. No windows or bars or anything. A place where one would have no hope of moving out or escaping until they pay their time to the government, to the victims of their crimes... To life itself if they're that evil a person. But, all it has taken is sleeping in this bed of mine to change that perspective entirely.
The fact people can see me already makes it worse. The fact people can speak at me already makes it worse. The fact people can touch me, hurt me and overstep any and all good boundaries I have... The fact that people can...
My mandibles chitter away, wavering as a sniffle fills my nostrils. I'm an attraction to these people, and not in the positive idea of the word at all. I'm a gimmick to be laughed at and abused at will. Whenever anyone wants and it's spreading into Oddity House, where I was safe from it for the most part at first.
If I could wish or pray for anything, I just want to have a sealed room all to myself with no ways out or in so I can at least have some peace. Peace from the violence. The bigotry. The unrelenting hatred of what I am and not who I am.
I want to be able to wake up one morning again, like I could for most of my life, and just not have to worry about when I was going to be let out of my room. To sleep one night and not have to do so to the cruel lullaby of looping insults playing on fancy machines. All to the backdrop of my window banging away with everything but the things that will shatter it. I want...
I want to be left alone.
"Ju-Just leave me alone..." I whimper as the tears come out and I try to hide my face behind my claws. But it only makes things worse, seeing palms that are made of chitin and not skin. They lead to claws where fingers should be, and it just keeps going. Bug body, monster body... No man, just a creature.
A sigh stutters out of me, and I look off longingly into the distance, out towards the lands beyond that ring-shaped ruin this Academy is built within the boundaries of. I do not feel hopeful at all, I just know that if I go out there, out that way... I'll be heading towards the place where I will meet the firing barrels of the guards. Killing shots from the guns they keep firing off near me.
Guns that will grant me my final, last and ultimate rest. The one god who wants me the most will have me. The God of Death will have the One Who Got Away back in his clutches. The one who was denied my soul when I was revived-
My foot hits the edge of the dorm steps, and I shake my head as clear of everything and anything. Going on in with a sigh, I don't even bother to close the door, just so I can hear it rattle because of the winds outside. Hear how it makes the building whistle. And if it rains, I can watch it fall so clearly while listening to the joys and laughter I'm excluded from elsewhere in the dorm.
I'll do it all so I can remind myself of why my old Tobaballian mindset was right all along. Making friends is pointless... It's an emotional investment that pays off in so short a term. It all means nothing. Doesn't matter how rough their lives are when you're standing by them, they'll turn their backs on you when it gets rough in order to save themselves.
"Apparently, even saving their lives means next to nothing these days." I mumble as tears continue to roll down my face as I think about all I've done for the three I came here with. Baltanthan's lucky, really, he was never really my friend, and it was mutually understood without clear instruction. He pretty much vanished from my life the moment we picked Einervaene up back at that building at the... End of the mountain road up here.
But he was involved all the same, all the way from Tobaballe. I saved their lives, all of their lives. Made sure they were safe and fed and taken care of. All of it, every bit of it. Wounds and all.
I worked tirelessly to make sure no monsters would have a chance to hurt them... I put my life at risk when I could easily admit I wanted to stay alive, just to make them full and happy... I got shot apart running into that damn town to ensure they all could have a future, and I ran right out of that town again after being shredded to bits by its ruler... All that effort, that pain, that misery — and it was all for... Nothing.
It was all just a pointless waste- Wastes of time!
And yet... Yet. Even as my mind becomes swollen with hate, justified hate in the truest idea of it... My body does not act. It's just had enough. It... I've had enough, I've had enough of it all... Of all of it! It and I just want to give up right here at this door...
But neither will let me, my mind won't make the thoughts reality, and my body won't make it happen... My finger just pokes at my neck, a spear tip never forming there at all.