It's a slow process... Me getting up out of bed. Lethargic, sluggish. Undead.
Just a long process full of slow movements and lots of quiet thinking and stewing. My head turns, ears with it, and I listen carefully to the set-up mockery machine perching at my window. I glance over to the unmoved door to my room and finally get out of bed with the fragility of porcelain and glass. The ground scrapes away as I shuffle over to the door, and I just stare at it with contemptuous intent.
I keep waiting... Waiting, waiting and waiting. Ironically... For someone to open it up so I can get out... I'm hoping someone will come and open it and... Oh.
A draft of wind nudges the door forward, an awfully well-timed 'idiot' coming from the mockery machine. I guess someone had opened it for me, they just didn't make it clear that the door was open. I don't even know who's opening the door for me at this point. Rose'lhia was doing at first but... But...
My head barely shakes and nothing clears from my mind at all.
Still, a sound of understanding escapes me, and I turn to my closest. I open it up and pull out a fresh, crisp set of prisoner attire and slip on in. I look back to my closet and open some draws, eyeing how neat everything is... How in control of it all I am.
A sigh catches in my throat, and I go to my washing-up basket, and turn back towards my bed. I'm bringing more and more filth up with me as of late, and it all needs to be cleaned. It's not even the good kind of filth. It reminds me so much of tea stains on a spoon, but it's not. It's just mud, sweat stuff and everything else my body and outfit has been picking up as of late.
Yet, filth by the large right now, is a meaningless thing to complain about. Me and dirt have become very acquainted as of late... And, with that in mind, I go ahead and take apart my bed to get it cleaned up. And I shuffle on out of my room to put it in for a wash.
The stairs thud under my heavy, uncontrolled steps as I make my way down the little wells and grander cases. My feet hit the ground, and I head on towards the washing-up equipment. I sort it all out, putting way too much effort into it as usual just so I can feel like something is in control, under... My... Control.
My eyes wander and I find Einervaene leaving the dorm building, her eyes going past me, smile on her lips and her hand up, waving away. I don't react at all, even as it seems like it's me she's doing this all for. And the sounds that come back only prove that, it was all for someone in the next room over. Einervaene doesn't even acknowledge me when she goes past, even with how much light I'm standing in and under.
I lower my head a little, my frown settling even deeper as I find myself more miserable than I was minutes ago. I want to go back to bed and forget... My head barely shakes again, and I sigh at the reality. I need to stay up and out of the room for the time being, work on my... Education.
And, with a slap of the washing machine, I wander off. A sudden pang of hunger afflicts me, and yet, I feel like there's no need to eat. Even with my deprived, starving stomach growling away. I stop, a thought anchoring me, and I think away on what else I might need to do before I head off.
There's nothing... I've done everything of note that I need to do since I got up, so I might as well go now. So, I do. I leave the dorm building behind and head on out into the outside world, swaying side-to-side with my grim appearance. All beneath the bright light of the Orbital-Halo's morning shine.
I don't bother looking for or at any maps or even the map I make sure each outfit I have has on hand. I've been everywhere important enough to warrant my presence. I know where everything is, I don't need to remind myself. I even make a point to avoid anything that looks like an arena so I don't get put into more games.
Not that it really stops anyone trying to recreate what happened before... I was in the Academy's newstablet thingie. Plastered all over the front face. My mangled body and the smiling man responsible for it. Everyone's trying to become the next cover story.
Then it came again, when somehow, someone snagged a photo of me when I was denied access to the means to satiate my spiritual needs. But, I suppose it's all fine and that. If I had been allowed in that night, I would have caused problems for everyone else... So me not going in was good, still is.
All the insults as of late, too... They're getting easier to bear... Everyone is just scared of me and what I am. They need to get it out of their system, and I'm just... It's a good thing.
And, as I travel, I find myself coming to a stop. On the far side of a path I've walked many times, under a tree that still bears the marks of the guards making sure I understand my place well... My claw edges the destroyed bark and the memories flash in my eyes. The claw retreats as if it's wounded, and, unfortunately... It's mine.
Actually. Why am I even heading to a lecture right now? I'm just going to be asked to leave again, and for a justifiable and good reason at that. So I might as well spare them all the trouble of me and just... Head on to the library where the exact same problem will happen and...
I can learn on my own. I've been... I've been doing that quite well lately, learning on my own. I even have the excuse to make sure I'm doing well and learning things properly... Because the other students and or the guards keep destroying my notes and the means to make them. It... It really helps me learn everything I need to...!
I've got lots of information firmly stored in my head because I'm being truly made sure I learn it! It's... It's a crude kindness, in a way...! Something to help me stay alive by the time my final exam date comes along... A couple comes on by, catching my attention for but a split-jaw split-second.
"Why are they still letting it walk around...? That thing could just lash out and rape me, you know that right, Doltlerf?" the young woman goes.
"Yes, of course, I know, Mohninka. But you know we can't do anything about it. It's protected by the law, the very thing that should let us just kill it," the young man says, holding her closer.
"It's looking at us..." she icks.
"Just ignore it, guards will shoot it if it tries anything," he insists, quite rightly.
A single digit of mine rubs away at my snoutish nose. I look away in confusion, an echo that never existed going about my head. I swear I heard my name be said... I swear.
"Get moving, Bug!" a guard barks out of nowhere, his spit smacking against my eye as he... Nudges me with his gun. I nod in thanks at the man and begin walking again.
It's very nice of him to make sure I stay active. Help keep my mind off of the bad stuff that will otherwise distract me. He's helping me focus on my work! And focus is the one something I need lots of as that deadline is coming closer and... Closer.
But, it's a curious thing, actually. It would be best to let them try and deal with me permanently? I'm just causing more and more problems by staying here in this school. So, if I do everyone this huge favour, I'll be remembered fondly by them all...!
Not that it matters, really... I'm going to be killed off because I'm not even thought of fondly, never mind remembered... So, maybe I should just gives the guards a reason here and now? Like, there's one right back there. One staring me down, his gun at the ready.
Take away the build-up and cut the rope that keeps this place in suspense...?
I... I frown over my thoughts. No matter how good of an argument one makes for it, I just can't convince myself to do it. I can't enact this plan that *will* benefit everyone here, everyone I came here with. I can't figure it out either... I just don't get it. It's like my mind is lying to me right now.
It keeps explaining everything to me, why I should do it and why everyone will benefit from it and... It's not letting me do anything at all. But, I suppose I have all day to contemplate it. And a few more after that. Shouldn't take that long to think of an indisputable argument to get me moving towards that end result, should it...?
"Why am I even crying? It's a good thing I'm thin- thinking about..." I whimper as I keep on walking.