I never realised how sad I was until I was older . I acted Luke many things didn't affect me but they did. I was so used to being dissapointed as a child to the point where I never expected anything more from the people that were supposed to be there for me.
There's nothing more sad than a child knowing how alone they are. Knowing that no one cares that much for them because if they did they wouldn't feel the way they felt .
Why did terrible people who didn't want to be parents give birth?
I hated life when I was so young I never even thought about growing up . I never imagined what I would be like once I was grown and that is sad .
I missed out on dreaming because all I ever thought about was how miserable life was to me . I just wanted to be happy something that I've never been.
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At a certain point I got tired of fighting him. I'd cry everynight and wished I was dead.
I was in so much pain and for some reason my mum couldn't see it. She was so busy being a good wife to a man that was probably gay .
That man hated her and me and she was so oblivious to this truth. Am sure she suspected it but decided to assume it .
They broke me and I couldn't be fixed and I was so mad at the whole world when the world didn't do anything to me.
They did. They treated me like a grown up . Forgot I was a child and left me to raise myself . All I wanted was to be a child and be like other children . I wanted to play soccer with other kids not wondering when my dad would die .
I was very religious not because I really wanted a relationship with Hod but because I thought if you prayed for something hard enough then the Lord would grant it.
I wanted that man dead. I wanted him to leave us alone . I wanted him to forget he existed but it was hard for God to hear my prayers when my mum was busy asking God to strengthen her marriage.
Why couldn't he have granted me my wish?
Why did he answer her prayer and not mine?
If he was such a loving God why did he let us stay with that man for all those years? He just sat there watching us cry everytime. He watched as mu mum got beat on to the point where she almost lost her life several times .
He watched as this man over and over again molested me taking my innocence . He watched as I cried myself to sleep everyday hating my whole existence more than I hated the man who hated me.
He watched as I was tempted to take a life because I was in so much pain . I prayed and fasted for that man to die bit he never did.
He was the most healthy person I knew . His life was going great and he was happy .
I wanted God to live us even for a second. To show me that all those praises that orople sang about him were true but they weren't were they?
I tried thinking what we were being punished for but I violent really see what we would have done so bad for him to let us go through all those things .
I couldn't understand why he wanted me to be an orphan so bad.
I was miserable my whole childhood . Sad and angry all the time I couldn't even make friends .
Sometimes I wondered if my mother knew how hard it was on me . I wo dered if she could see the life fade from my face everytime that man came home.
Everytime he smiled at me and rubbed my head I felt like vomiting .
Why weren't my prayers enough? I waited and waited and nothing happened things just got worse . He beat her more and it was even worse fir me because he was always angry.
I hated feeling sad in a place that I was supposed to call home. That wasn't my home ,that was a place was slowly breaking me and remind me that I was nothing.
I would flinch everytime he raised his hand because I knew how much he liked taking out his anger on me.
He hated me that I wasn't his and what hurt the most was my mom hated me too. She just couldn't tell me because she was my mom. She never wanted to be a mom in yhe first place . To her it was like I ruined her life .
I couldn't understand why someone would be a mom if they knew igs not what they wanted. Neglecting your child due to your own mistakes seemed like such a weak thing for someone to do.
I didn't know she hated me though. All I ever wanted was her love. I wanted her to be happy to be my mum and she never did .
I watched her be loving and caring yo my brother while I was tossed to the side .
I believe she forgot I was her child too sometimes. I didn't wanna be there . I didn't want to be ina house of people who hated. People who told me they wished they never have birth to me when they were mad but I couldn't. I couldn't leave . I could do nothing . I wanted her love and adoration so much to the point where it stopped mattering all the bad things that were going on in that house .
Now that I think about it I don't even think there were days where we were ever happy. Everyone was always walking on eggshells not to piss him off. One minute we would laugh and the next minute I was limping because he almost broke my leg.
She never left . She didn't care if this man almost took my life she was happy playing wife .
Why couldn't she love me? Why was it so hard for her to ever choose me ? Did I ever mean anything to her or was I just another mistake she made in her teenage years ?