I fidnt realise it at the time hut life was much simpler when the only person I was worried about was myself. I fidnt realise having a sibling made you worried about them.
I wasn't always worried about my brother but the more he grew the more I realised we lived with a predator.
To this day I always wondered what would have happened if I told my mum. Would she leave him or would she not believe me?
I think I was scared of the answer to that question so I never told her . If she would sleep in the same bed with a man that tried to kill her times and ti.es again she would surely not believe me if I ever told her .
It was up to me to make sure my brother wouldn't have to go through the same things I did.
I loved him so much I didn't want him to be broken like I was . I didn't want him to take his innocence.
A man that touched children would touch his own child and that fear wouldn't let me sleep.
He stopped touching me for a while and I was relieved. Not happy but relieved because the damage had already been done.
He knew the mental effect his actions had on me and he loved to toy with me. Am convinced he always wanted to see how scared I was off him.
As my brother got older my step dad started being very affectionate. To my mum he was bring a good dad . I knew immediately what was coming .
I knew that in no time my brother was going to be his favourite toy. I knew he would tell them that they were playing .
I knew that when my brother would realise what he was doing to him was wrong then he would start threatening him.
He would tell him how he would kill our mom and my brother would be forced to stay silent because that was what I did .
Life was so unfair.
I wanted him to look at me more than ever . I wanted him to want me. I didn't want my brother to feel the way I felt.
I remember the first day it happened Ed. I was so mad I was still a child and couldn't understand why he did it. I couldn't understand what I did to make him "punish me".
"You're a good boy",that's what he said everytime he was done with me. Tears in my eyes as I watched him zip up his flier .
I k ew it was coming . I knew sooner or later my brother was going to be his little " Good boy".
The thought itself sent shivers down my spine .
He knew what he was doing to me. He k ew that if inthiught he was going to hurt my brother then I would want to keep doing the disgusting things he wanted to do to me.
He never intended on hurting him. I was the only one he wanted to hurt . I was the only one he wanted to defile .
It was always me .
How could I have known though? I couldn't comprehend why a grown man would play games like those with a child. Why he would play with his life like that?
Why would he go to all those lengths to torment me ?
I was willing to do anything to protect my brother and I mean anything . I knew prayers didn't work.
I had prayed for years and nothing had changed . Everyday I waited by the phone to be told he got into an accident but the phone never rung with those news.
Everyday he came home with a smile on his face and I wondered why couldn't he just die. It couldn't be that hard go take someone's life would it?
I remember that day vividly like I was relieving it . I could hear my mums cries and screams from there I was and I ran home .
No one seemed to care she was bring beaten but I honestly understand them . I also wouldn't help someone who kept going back to donething that destroyed them over and over expecting different results .
If you read the same book over and over does the ending change?
Her cries stopped suddenly and I could feel the fear creep up my body . Did he kill her? That was the question on my mind as I made my way to our house .
He was seated on the couch with a cigarette in his hand . I quite couldn't understand why he was grinning like a maniac.
My mom was on the floor not moving . I couldn't tell if she was alive or not . I moved towards where she was laying and he spoke.
"Come here boy " ,he said andbi fidjy move an inch.
I was done . I was done with him using me as a toy .I was done with following his orders. He was nothing hut a weak man.
A man that beat on women just do that he could feel he had some power over them. Who even in their tight mind touched children?
Did ut make him feel more manly . Upto this day that us a question I've yet to find an answer to.
In that moment I knew we couldn't continue lobing like that. I knew that I fidng want go see my mom get beat on by a disgusting excuse of a man. He was not even man enough to provide for us.
What use was he to us if he couldn't do the things ither men did? He couldn't even protect us because what we needed was to be protected from him.
He was the problem that needed to be fixed. It wasn't me or my mom that were broken,it was him. He was the problem.
I fidnt want my brother too grow up with someone like that . I fofnt want him to think that was how women were supposed to be treated .
It was better for him to grow up without a father than to have that soeey excuse of a man as a father .
I could already see how happy we were gonna be without him in our lives .