CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE: WHAT I DIDN'T ASK
The following Monday, I decided that I was going to fix things.
I did not know exactly what needed fixing, but I knew that something between Samuel and me had become uncomfortable.
We were still together.
We still sat beside each other.
We still spoke.
But our conversations no longer flowed as effortlessly as they used to.
There was always something hanging between us.
Something neither of us wanted to name.
So I decided to stop waiting for Samuel to say something.
I would ask him.
Properly.
No accusations.
No assumptions.
Just the truth.
When I arrived in class that morning, Samuel was already seated.
He looked up when I approached.
"Morning."
"Morning."
I sat down.
For a few seconds, we were both quiet.
Then he turned to me.
"You're thinking."
I smiled.
"How do you always know?"
"Your face."
I laughed softly.
"I wanted to ask you something."
He put down his pen.
"What?"
"Are we okay?"
He looked at me.
"Yes."
"Really?"
"Yes."
I stared at him.
He sighed.
"Floral, I told you. I'm fine."
"I know."
"Then why do you keep asking?"
"Because you don't seem fine."
He looked away.
"I've just been stressed."
"About school?"
"School. Home. Everything."
I nodded.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
He shrugged.
"I didn't want to bother you."
I frowned.
"You're not bothering me."
"I know."
"Then you can tell me things."
He looked at me.
"I'll try."
I smiled.
"Okay."
He smiled back.
For a moment, the tension disappeared.
Then the bell rang.
Our first lesson began.
I concentrated on my work, feeling lighter than I had in days.
Perhaps this was all we had needed.
A conversation.
An honest conversation.
But by the time break came, I realised that things were not always that simple.
Samuel was sitting with some of the boys outside the classroom.
I stayed behind with Victoria and Morayo.
They were discussing a test we had coming up.
Then Morayo suddenly asked me, "Are you and Samuel okay?"
I looked at her.
"Yes."
Victoria smiled.
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Good."
I raised an eyebrow.
"Why are you both looking at me like that?"
Morayo laughed.
"Because you have been looking miserable."
"I have not."
"You have."
Victoria nodded.
"Very miserable."
I rolled my eyes.
"I'm fine."
Morayo leaned closer.
"Did he do something?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
She smiled.
"Okay."
I knew they were trying to help.
And strangely, I appreciated it.
A few months ago, I would never have imagined sitting with Victoria and Morayo discussing something personal.
We had come a long way.
After break, Samuel returned to his seat.
"You were laughing."
"Yes."
"With who?"
I pointed at Victoria and Morayo.
"They were disturbing me."
He smiled.
"Good."
"What?"
"I like seeing you happy."
I looked at him.
Something warm spread through me.
"You're sweet sometimes."
"Sometimes?"
"Very rarely."
He laughed.
I smiled.
For the rest of the afternoon, things were peaceful.
Until after the final lesson.
Samuel had barely packed his books when one of his friends called him.
He stood.
"Where are you going?"
"I'll be back."
"Where?"
He paused.
"I need to see someone."
I frowned.
"Who?"
"A friend."
"What friend?"
He looked at me.
"Why are you asking so many questions?"
I immediately became quiet.
He sighed.
"I didn't mean it like that."
"It's okay."
"I'll come back."
I nodded.
He walked out.
I watched him leave.
Something about the way he had answered bothered me.
Not because he had done anything wrong.
Because he had sounded irritated.
I closed my book.
Maybe I was becoming too sensitive.
I packed my things and headed towards the hostel.
I had almost reached the staircase when I heard someone call my name.
"Floral."
I turned.
It was Daniel.
"Hi."
"You're going to the hostel?"
"Yes."
He adjusted the books in his arms.
"Can you help me with this?"
I took one of the books.
"What happened?"
"I have too many."
I laughed.
"You always have too many books."
"Knowledge is heavy."
I laughed again.
"You're ridiculous."
We walked together.
For a few minutes, we talked about our upcoming test.
Daniel was easy to talk to.
He didn't make every conversation feel complicated.
He listened.
He joked.
He knew when to be serious.
But somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered what Samuel would think if he saw us walking together.
Then I felt annoyed with myself.
Why should I care?
Daniel was my friend.
There was nothing wrong with walking with him.
Still, I slowed down.
Daniel noticed.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"You just stopped."
"I was thinking."
He smiled.
"You think too much too."
I laughed.
"Everyone keeps saying that."
"Maybe because it's true."
We reached the hostel.
I gave him his book.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
He started to leave.
Then he turned around.
"Floral."
"Yes?"
"If you ever need someone to talk to, you know you can talk to me."
I stared at him.
"Okay."
He smiled.
"See you tomorrow."
"See you."
I watched him walk away.
His words stayed in my mind.
Not because they meant anything romantic.
At least, not to me.
They simply reminded me that I had people around me.
People who cared.
That evening during prep, Samuel finally returned.
He sat beside me.
"Sorry."
"For what?"
"I disappeared."
I shrugged.
"It's fine."
He looked at me.
"You're angry."
"No."
"You are."
"I said I'm not."
He sighed.
"I was helping someone."
"Who?"
He paused.
"Abigail."
I looked at him.
"Oh."
"She needed help with something."
"Okay."
He waited for me to say more.
I didn't.
Eventually, he asked, "That's all?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know."
I returned to my book.
"Then there's nothing to say."
He stared at me.
"You're upset."
"I am not."
"Floral."
I looked at him.
"What?"
"You can talk to me."
I almost laughed.
The irony of the sentence was not lost on me.
"You can talk to me too."
He went silent.
Neither of us said anything else.
The teacher walked in.
Prep continued.
That night, I lay awake for a long time.
I kept thinking about Abigail.
There was nothing wrong with helping someone.
Nothing.
So why did it bother me?
Maybe because of the rumours.
Maybe because I had started comparing myself with every girl who spoke to Samuel.
Maybe because I was afraid.
I hated that word.
Afraid.
I had never thought of myself as an insecure person.
But being in a relationship had introduced a new kind of fear.
The fear of losing someone.
The fear that someone else could become more important.
The fear that the person you loved could wake up one morning and realise they no longer wanted you.
I turned beneath my mosquito net.
I needed to stop thinking.
The next morning, I woke up determined to behave normally.
And I did.
For most of the day.
Samuel was more cheerful.
We laughed during English.
He helped me with Chemistry.
During break, he even shared part of his snack with me.
Everything seemed normal again.
Until lunch.
I was walking back from the dining hall with Victoria and Morayo when I saw Samuel standing near one of the classroom blocks.
Abigail was there.
They were talking.
I stopped.
Morayo followed my gaze.
"Oh."
I looked at her.
"What?"
She shook her head.
"Nothing."
Victoria glanced at me.
"You okay?"
"Yes."
But I wasn't.
I didn't want to walk over.
I didn't want to interrupt them.
So I continued towards the classroom.
When Samuel eventually joined me, he acted as though nothing had happened.
"Hi."
"Hi."
He sat down.
"You've been quiet."
"I am fine."
He looked at me.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
He sighed.
"You always say that."
I looked at him.
"And you always say you're fine."
He became quiet.
I immediately regretted it.
"That wasn't fair."
"No."
"I didn't mean it like that."
"I know."
He looked down.
"I really don't want us to keep doing this."
"Doing what?"
"Pretending we're okay when we're not."
I swallowed.
"Then tell me what's wrong."
He hesitated.
"I don't know."
I stared at him.
"You always say that."
"Because I don't know."
"Then what am I supposed to do?"
He looked at me.
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"Just give me some time."
I nodded slowly.
"Okay."
I looked away.
I wanted to ask him about Abigail.
I wanted to ask why they spoke so often.
I wanted to ask what she meant to him.
But I didn't.
I swallowed every question.
Because I was afraid that asking would make me look insecure.
And because a small part of me still believed that if I trusted him enough, everything would work itself out.
That was the mistake I did not recognise at the time.
Trust was important.
But trust did not mean staying silent when something was hurting you.
That afternoon, Daniel sat at the far end of the classroom with Gift.
I glanced towards them.
Daniel caught my eye.
He smiled.
I smiled back.
Then I looked towards Samuel.
He was staring at his notebook.
I wondered what he was thinking.
I wondered whether he was thinking about me.
Or about school.
Or about the future.
Or about Abigail.
I wanted to know.
But I didn't ask.
And sometimes, the questions you don't ask become the ones that hurt the most.
That evening, Gift and I were in the hostel.
She was sitting on her lower bunk while I arranged my clothes.
"Floral."
"Yes?"
"Can I tell you something?"
"Sure."
She hesitated.
"You shouldn't be afraid to ask your own boyfriend questions."
I stopped folding my clothes.
"What?"
She looked up.
"If something is bothering you, ask him."
I stared at her.
"Why are you saying that?"
"Because I can see you're bothered."
I sat down.
"I don't want him to think I don't trust him."
Gift shook her head.
"Trust doesn't mean you never ask questions."
I remained silent.
She continued.
"If you keep everything inside, you'll eventually explode over something small."
I looked at her.
She was right.
I hated that she was right.
"Maybe I'll talk to him."
"Good."
I smiled faintly.
"Thanks."
She nodded.
For a moment, neither of us spoke.
Then she added, "And Floral?"
"Yes?"
"Don't compare yourself to other girls."
I looked at her.
"Why would I?"
She gave me a knowing look.
I laughed nervously.
"Okay."
That night, I made a decision.
The next time something bothered me, I would say it.
I would not pretend.
I would not swallow my feelings.
I would not allow rumours to speak louder than I did.
I would talk to Samuel.