When I came to my senses, it was already Monday.
"Have I cried myself to sleep?"
I muttered as I got up from my bed, rubbing my sore eyes as I yawned..
Whenever mornings came, I usually felt light—even after turning to the youma faction. However, today that didn't seem to be the case..
My chest felt heavy.
When I finally found the will to stand, I slowly walked my way to the mirror.
Half-lidded tired eyes, sore from crying.
Messy black hair,
Clothes unkempt.
I was a disaster. But it made sense, after all..
I thought about killing Miu..
That thought alone made my mood very sour and—
"Eh?"
My hand touched my cheek. It was wet..
I'm crying again...
So early in the morning.
Ahah... ahahahah....
Why..
Why am I crying?
I'm such a dummy.. seriously.
I smiled and tried to wipe my tears, but they kept flowing.
Why am I still crying?!
Why?!
Why?!
WHY?!
I slowly fell to my knees as I stared at the floor.
Why am I in such a state? It's embarrassing..
I need to get ready to attend class.
Forcing myself to get up, I gently slapped my cheeks twice and forced a smile.
"Calm down, Shizuka. Calm down."
I hushed myself as I took deep breaths.
...
..
.
After taking a bath and changing into a simple white t-shirt and denim pants, I stared at myself in the mirror.
I feel a little okay now.
My lips curled and smiled a bit as I tried on different poses.
A simple attire was easily carried by my appearance—it hugged every curve perfectly, and that gave me a bit of confidence to start my day..
Even though my chest feels tight, time doesn't wait for anyone.
So bottling up my emotions is the best way.
After all, distraction is the key.
As I made my way down to the ground floor, a receptionist greeted me.
"Good morning, Shizuka! You look dashing today. Yesterday, a shiftee said you dashed off crying."
Hearing her compliment and report, I couldn't help but give her a warm smile and laugh.
"A-ah, they saw that?! Oh gosh, that was nothing!"
I waved my hands embarrassedly.
"I was just in a bad mood."
I continued.
"Oh my.. that's rare for you, Shizuka! But I get it.. we all have our bad days, right? Hopefully things will get better!"
I nodded, and my smile slightly faltered..
Would it really get better?
I don't really know..
As I waved at the receptionist and moved along, the thoughts in my mind only multiplied.
...
"Shizuka! Good morning!"
"Good morning!"
As I went outside the dormitory building, I was immediately greeted by a student. Of course, I smiled warmly and waved at them.
As I continued walking, more and more greetings came my way.
"Good morning, Shizuka!"
"Good morning, senpai!!"
"I heard you cried last night?"
Of course, aside from the usual greetings, I had to clarify my breakdown yesterday as just a "bad day."
Of course, I'm used to this—to project this perfect being. Because I am this being.
Being seen as weak is never an option, because all I've ever been known for is being intelligent, kind, caring, and humble above all else.
But you know—and I know—that I'm not those things. I'm just a fraud...
Beneath my smiling exterior, my mouth couldn't help but twitch for a second as I made my way to the classroom.
Even in the classroom, people kept asking why I cried. As if crying was some monumental piece of information.
In the end, I spent most of the duration dazing off on my subjects that I wasn't able to participate well in class.
As I made my way back to the dorm, my footsteps stopped when I came across a black cat in front of me.
『Master, what happened nya~?』
A sweet voice flooded my consciousness. Right, IXX... I forgot about her too..
"Nothing much."
I responded flatly, giving IXX a warm smile.
『I don't think that's the case.』
The black cat's tail swished left and right, clearly annoyed at my response.
"If you knew, why ask?"
I crossed my arms as I began walking to the dorm.
『Because hearing from master is better!』
The cat's warm tone made me stop in my tracks again. I turned my head and looked back at her.
"Hm, if I tell you I'm not. Would you stop following me?"
I said with no hesitation, my black eyes devoid of any light.
『Wh-What? What does master mean?』
The cat tilted her head to the side. She looked cute, but my face didn't change, remaining neutral and cold.
"If I tell you I'm not okay, would you reject me as your leader?"
I said flatly. The wind at the time I said this blew my long hair, causing it to sway along with it. Naturally I tucked a stubborn strand away from my ear.
And IXX looked at me with her wide eyes.
『Why are you saying all this, master? Of course I would—』
"You're lying to yourself, you know that right?"
I interrupted the black cat, my tone becoming colder than before.
"You value strength above all else. You admire bravado, confidence, my grandeur, my elegance. But not me, the person, isn't it?"
『No that's not—』
"Stop lying to yourself."
I said flatly, looking at the black cat in front of me with her yellow eyes wide, mouth opened in shock, perhaps grief.
My heart ached, watching that black cat look like that.
But it was clear that she only loves me for what I show. Though it is my fault, for showing myself through a symbol, it's best if I put boundaries from now on.
『Master please! Let me say something!』
The black cat begged, her voice through my mind felt fragile, like a daughter who's getting abandoned.
My heart ached even further, but I averted my eyes.
"What?"
I said simply.
『I like you for who you are, not just because you're my master..』
IXX's voice remained fragile. As 「The Most High」, not only was she powerful, but as a youma, she knew emotions full well more than anyone.
From the moment she approached Shizuka, IXX knew that Shizuka had potential—not just through actions, but through character.
She was ruthless, yet kind.
She was intelligent, yet sometimes a little clumsy.
She was strict, but she was more strict with herself.
She was both tyrannical and benevolent.
But right now, Shizuka was none of those things.
Right now what IXX could see wasn't the radiating darkness she admired.
But a pitiful void radiated inside Shizuka, a much more intimidating aura IXX felt.. as if □□□□□□□□ had returned. The thought made IXX shiver down to her spine.
But IXX didn't want Shizuka to be like "that"... Shizuka is Shizuka.. and IXX wanted her to stay as the fearful, yet kind ruler she knew.
Upon hearing IXX's words, I couldn't help but tense up...
Like?
Me?
For what I am?
I couldn't believe those words, so I stepped a couple steps back.
"No that's not true."
I stammered, my black eyes shaking as tears formed from my eyes.
"Stop saying such mean things."
I whimpered.
Seeing my state, IXX frowned. Immediately she dashed towards me, transforming into her human form.
As she tackled me, we fell to the ground and phased through it, falling to my room onto my bed.
"What happened to you, master? This isn't like you!"
IXX looked at me with her yellow eyes—somehow they looked less fierce and more gentle.
"I.."
I looked away, clutching my chest.
"Master, tell me. You can tell me, I won't use it against you."
I looked back at IXX, my black eyes trembling as I searched for any lies behind her yellow eyes..
I can't even discern properly anymore.
"You won't really leave me?"
I looked at IXX with tears starting to fall from my face.
"Master, I never once thought of such a thing."
IXX gently wiped my eyes.
"So what happened? Please tell me, master. I hate seeing you like this."
My mouth slightly opened and closed again and again, but I couldn't seem to put my words out..
How could I?
Admitting one's fault is something I have done.
Yet why is it harder now?
I looked at IXX and sensed her concern for me. I clutched my chest as my mouth opened.
"I..."
I then recounted what had happened so far—how I accidentally met Miu, my best friend, the thought of killing her..
Recounting what happened only filled me with more sadness as more words went out of my mouth.
"What will Miu think of me?"
Those words were embedded in my brain.
IXX listened closely to my words. She didn't interrupt me at all. Looking at me with gentle eyes that I was still uncomfortable with, she even gave me tissues when I cried.
"Master is really a good girl nya~."
After finishing my confession, IXX said that with a smug face.
"W-what?"
I asked with a frown and slightly red cheeks.
"Have you forgotten what I told you beforehand? Geez, master is so reckless."
I looked at IXX confusingly.
"Is this about the consequence of becoming an evil magical girl?"
IXX nodded her head, her yellow eyes sparkled.
"Yup~ When you become one of us, one negative trait gets enhanced and you lose a positive trait."
Hearing those words, I couldn't help but frown further.
"So.. you're saying that it's because of that clause that I thought of such a harmful thing?"
IXX clapped her hands and nodded, her cat ears flicking.
"Yup! For you specifically, master, your self-righteousness gets amplified to the max—so much that you see yourself as part of nobility.
As a result, your sense of kindness has been ceased, and any 'kindness' isn't from the heart."
My eyes widened..
Ah...
So that's why..
"So, from now on.."
"Every act of kindness you do isn't from the heart anymore. That's life."
Hearing IXX's words, my eyes widened, my black pupils almost felt like they popped from that information.
So, that's why all this feels like an act..
I looked back to when Himeno got sick and I took care of her, when I comforted her. When I cried in her arms..
All those.. weren't genuine?
My chest felt so tight and I looked at IXX to see if she was lying. But it appears not.
"That's why your thoughts have gotten violent and cruel. Ah, but you are capable of kindness, but not as genuine as before.
But yeah! Assuming it hasn't been a few minutes since you went back to your civilian form, then naturally these thoughts would still be in an amplified state."
My mouth hung open hearing IXX's words, and tears started to fall from my cheeks..
"Ah..."
"A-ah..."
"AHHHH.."
I could only scream as I gripped onto reality, clutching my black hair with my two hands..
Shizuka has truly died... back then.