'Why are they different? And what do they mean?'
Those two questions plauged my mind ever since I was young.
My mother loved me and my brother― she acted as such.
We were taken care of. Fed and entertained, no different from any other child.
And yet, the way our mom looked at us was so different from other parents looking at their children.
It was similar, but still so different. It was more intense, more primal.
I didn't understand what that meant. I didn't understand why mom had such a look in her eyes. Maybe because our dad left when I was five?
But I didn't think much of it.
I was happy and healthy, my brother too. Even if she looked at us weird, why should I care?
But as I grew up, an emotion started creeping in.
Doubt.
Her eyes were becoming more intense as time passed. As if her mental state was getting worse...
It was then when I started asking myself a question.
'What do they mean?'
Those eyes of hers, what emotion were they conveying?
I got my answer on a completely normal day.
I was walking around with my brother and mom late in the evening.
That was when I noticed him.
A man, slumped in an alleyway, an empty bottle in his hands. He looked miserable.
When the man looked at the bottle in his hands, I got my answer.
Obsession.
Those eyes conveyed obsession.
Reeling from the shock, I looked at my mom. She had that exact look in her eyes, even more intense than the man.
In desperation, I looked back at the miserable man.
My eyes slowly drifted to the completely empty bottle...
***
"Kilta, why did you do that?! Did you not see how untrustworthy that man was?!"
"What do you mean?! He was sweet! He gave me food!"
I held up a hand to my forehead, I felt a headache coming in.
The man's eyes were mischiveous, how could Kilta not see that? He was definitely plotting something!
'If I had not stopped him from eating that bread...'
I shuddered just thinking about it.
"Don't accept food from strangers, even if you're hungry. You remember stranger danger, right?"
He nodded. His eyes told me he didn't understand me, but that he was willing to follow what I said.
I sighed. Our funds were running low, I had to find a job soon or else...
Suddenly, footsteps could be heard all around us.
"Hehe, what a cutie. Thanks for showing up, you are even prettier than your brother!"
My eyes widened like never before. But just as fast, they narrowed. I looked around us, we were surrounded on all sides.
The look in their eyes made me feel insignificant, it was as if our fate was sealed.
But it wasn't, and I knew that. Their eyes would not determine my mindset.
Grabbing a brick from the ground, I threw it at one of the thugs, not giving them time to react.
I pushed Kilta in the direction of the gap I created.
"Run!"
I ran right behind him.
The thugs thought it would be easy, just two kids, what could go wrong? They were completely befuddled when I threw that brick.
I could see the overconfidence in their eyes, and I used that to my advantage.
"You little fuckers!"
The bandit, who now had a brick-shaped red mark on his face, swung his knife.
I was running as fast as my legs would allow me, and trying to dodge would just waste time, so I got cut on my shoulder.
"Ngh!"
It was painful, but that was better than being captured.
We continued running. We weren't nearly as fast as the adults, but we weren't too far away from a crouded street, so the thugs just gave up on us.
When we finally reached the crowded street, we started panting hard.
I felt like throwing up, I was completely exhausted.
'At least we're safe. That's all that matters.'
Kilta's eyes as he looked at the wound on my shoulder escaped my notice...
***
"...Aren't you tired?"
I smiled.
"Of course I'm not. Your face charges me up everytime I see it, how could I possibly be tired?"
He looked at the ground with sadness in his eyes. I sighed, since when was my little brother able to see through me so easily?
'It's not as though he understands how eyes work.'
I slowly shook my head.
"Indeed, I am a bit tired, but it's not as though everything is bad. The job of a waitress is not the worst, you know? And while the boss is a little strict, it's not as though she's a bad person."
The boss only cared about profits, but that wasn't a bad thing. As long as I do my job even somewhat well, she won't have any complaints.
She's way better than some of the other ones I know of...
"But you have to take care of me, no? I'm just holding you back."
...
I laughed.
"Fufu, what are you even saying? Do you really think I would be able to go on by my own? I can only keep going because you are here."
I ruffled his hair.
I could see it in his eyes, he thought I was lying to him.
But I wasn't.
How many times have I wanted to give up? How many times have I accepted death?
The number is so high, just thinking about it was making my head spin.
'But your existence always allowed me to stay grounded.'
I was fine with giving up... but I did not want Kilta to give up. I was fine with dying, but I did not want Kilta to die.
I wanted Kilta to be safe, to be happy.
And I will not give up until that happened. I will keep trying, and I will keep seeing eyes.
I will do whatever is necessary, I will work with whoever necessary.
If it makes me a bad person, I don't care, as long as Kilta isn't one.
I looked at Kilta's face, it energized me once more.
"You're so cute!"
I ruffled his hair harder. He started complaining.
As I poked his pouting cheeks, I once again reaffirmed my life.
'How could I not be tired?'
I perform by gauging and comprehending the changes and meanings in others' eyes that differ with time and occasion. Of course I would get tired.
Whenever someone's eyes change, I have to think of why, I have to think of the actions that will follow, and I have to think of what I should do next. That's why I find such joy in my brother, he's a safe space where I don't have to control my actions to match the eyes.
I would like for my small wish to not be trampled on.
I just want Kilta to be safe and happy.
I'm fine with struggling, I'm fine with constantly being tired, I'm fine with being traumitized, and I'm fine with being depressed.
If that wish of mine is fulfilled...