GEMINI.
As we navigated the bustling faculty hallway, the chatter of students creating a constant hum, my mind wandered back to the conversation I had with Percy the night before. The memory lingered, refusing to be shaken off, like scattered leaves caught in a windstorm, swirling and dancing in the air.
With each step, the recollection grew stronger, and I couldn't help but relive the moment when Percy had casually suggested we should date. No, he'd meant it, and my heart had beat like crazy at the possibility. The thrill of that moment still lingered, a spark that refused to be extinguished.
Now, as I stood by my locker, recounting that moment to Ohio, I couldn't help but notice the light in her eyes-an eager spark that mirrored my own curiosity.
"Oh, come on! You have to tell me everything!" she urged, leaning forward, her red curly hair spilling over her shoulders like a fiery waterfall. Her excitement was palpable, infectious, and I found myself smiling, caught up in the thrill of sharing this secret.
"So, what did he say exactly?" Ohio pressed on, her eyes sparkling with anticipation, as if she was living vicariously through me.
What am I saying? She definitely is.
I took a deep breath, letting the memory wash over me once more, savoring the excitement that came with reliving that moment.
"He said...," I began, my voice barely above a whisper, as if sharing a precious secret.
Mark, my dorm mate, had made his way to Ohio and me as I finished speaking, standing beside us with an air of nonchalance that was almost comical. He rolled his eyes so dramatically that I almost laughed, but the faint flush creeping across his cheeks revealed the truth: he was more invested in this conversation than he cared to admit.
"I'm going to pretend I didn't just hear you guys discussing your personal lives," he muttered, trying to maintain his air of indifference. Yet, the pitch of his voice gave him away, betraying a hint of curiosity and concern. I sensed a flicker of hesitation behind his words, a reluctance to get drawn into the conversation.
"Why? You don't think dating him is a good idea too, right?"
I probed, an earnestness slipping into my voice that I couldn't contain. I crossed my arms, leaning toward him, genuinely seeking a glimpse into his thoughts. If we already shared almost everything about Percy with him, what was holding him back from giving his opinion now?
Mark and I had become closer over time, bonding over our shared experiences as dorm mates and departmental colleagues. He was a really chill guy, always ready with a listening ear or a witty remark. And I suspected that he harbored feelings for Ohio, although he'd never admitted it outright. Now, as I awaited his response, I sensed a deeper complexity to his emotions, a hesitation that hinted at unspoken feelings.
Mark evaded my gaze, focusing instead on the book he was holding, trying to ignore my piercing stare. But I wasn't having it.
"Come on, dude!" I said, frustration creeping into my voice. "Now cannot be the time when you decide to keep your opinions to yourself. You always throw those around."
I took a deep breath and leaned closer, determined to unearth the reasons for his hesitance to speak on this matter. Mark sighed, his shoulders sagging slightly, and turned to me.
"Why not?" he asked quietly, his voice laced with a hint of curiosity. "Why don't you wanna date him? I honestly don't see what the big deal is. You either try it and decide that, you know...being with guys isn't for you or things might actually work out."
With each sentence, I watched him intensely, and he squirmed, his eyes darting away from mine. He looked uncomfortable, like he was tiptoeing around a sensitive topic.
"He looks at you like your the air he breathes, like he can't live without you. That's not something just friends do, dude." Mark said, his voice barely above a whisper. "So, the question is, why don't you wanna date him?" He looked at me, his eyes searching for answers, and mine widened by the scale of of his words.
Others can see how Percy looks at me too?
I thought I was just imagining things. I felt a sudden chill running down my spine. It really wasn't just my imagination, then. The realization sent a flutter through my chest, and I felt my resolve begin to waver. Why was I so intent on glossing over the undeniable chemistry between us?
My sudden stubbornness was irritating even to myself, yet it deepened my resolve. Beneath the surface, I felt the weight of unsaid words, the startling realization that perhaps I was scared of what taking that leap would mean for us. The idea gnawed at me, growing more significant and consuming with each passing moment.
Just last night, as I lay in his arms, he had whispered sweet nothings, each word a gentle caress against my skin. One of those whispers still lingered in my mind: "Is it because you think I won't be a good boyfriend?" A spark of desire had ignited within me, and suddenly, the future felt uncertain. What did I truly want? The thought had echoes reverberating in my mind like a haunting melody—an indecision that tormented me.
Ohio chimed in, her voice breaking through the fog of my thoughts.
"Well, answer us then, why don't you want to date him, officially?" Her question felt like a spotlight aimed directly at my struggles, illuminating the turmoil that churned within me.
I hesitated, scrambling for a logical reason to justify my reluctance.
"Um...I'm busy preparing for exams," I replied, grasping for a lifeline. Yet, even as the words spilled out, they felt flimsy, inadequate. "I don't have time to think about anything else right now." I was reaching for an escape, and I knew it.
The excuses sounded hollow, even to my own ears.
Mark and Ohio exchanged a knowing glance, their faces scrunched up in confusion. They sighed in unison, as if bewildered by my thought process. I couldn't blame them; I was confusing myself too. The more I tried to rationalize my feelings, the more tangled they became.
As I deflected with my usual excuse, a heaviness settled in the pit of my stomach, like a weight anchoring me to the ground. How could I convince myself to ignore the fact that what Percy and I have was not like anything else? Our connection blurred the lines between friendship and something much deeper, leaving me bewildered and torn.
Each night we spent together, his warmth enveloping me as we drifted into sleep, only intensified my confusion. I felt as if I was standing at the edge of a cliff, ready to leap but terrified of what lay below. The wind whispered secrets in my ear, tempting me to take the plunge, yet fear held me back.
A persistent whisper within me kept asking: What if? What if the leap was worth it? What if we transcended mere friendship and unlocked something beautiful? The possibilities felt overwhelming, each one a thread weaving together a tapestry of dreams, fears, desires, and Percy's responsibilities.
But with exams looming and responsibilities weighing heavily on my shoulders, could I afford to explore this path, or should I retreat back to the safety of familiarity? The stakes were high; I still had to keep my grade up to maintain my scholarship here. I was the best in high school, but everyone in St. Moore was smart as hell. The pressure to perform was suffocating, leaving me questioning whether I could risk adding another variable to the equation.
As I shut my locker after dumping the books I didn't need, I glanced over at Mark, who was now oblivious to the world around him, his brows furrowed in concentration as he read his book. It was almost comical, the way he could stand against the wall and still become completely absorbed in his reading. Ohio, on the other hand, had gone back to typing away on her phone, her thumbs flying across the screen with a speed and dexterity that was impressive.
As I stood there, a mix of frustration and longing spread through me, like a slow-moving tide. I missed Percy already, and the thought of avoiding him seemed impossible. I wanted to see him, to be near him. I loved the way he paid attention to everything I said, his eyes never leaving mine as if he was drinking in every word. I loved the way his hands felt around my body, warm and strong and gentle all at once.
"Maybe," I thought, the idea whispering itself into my mind like a tempting whisper, "I should give dating him a chance?" The thought sent a shiver down my spine, a thrill of excitement mixed with a dash of fear. But in a world where my background clashed with the desire of being with him, could I be brave enough to face the unknown and embrace the thrilling uncertainty of what lay ahead?
The answer lingered just beyond my reach, and I was terrified of finding it. Even if I wanted to avoid him till after my exams, so I could travel home to visit my grandma, it would be hard on me too. I liked being with him just as much as he liked being with me.
What should I do?
The question swirled in my mind, a vortex of uncertainty that seemed to pull me in with an irresistible force.