Now that I knew where I had to sit, I just had to get through the day without hitting any women, and without doing anything wrong in general, to achieve my first goal.
It's depressing to have to set a goal like that…
And so was my current situation. The little confidence and courage I had entered with vanished with the great news of the midterms. I had been defeated when there weren't even three people in the class.
The only other person there now was the prodigy girl, as I call her. I avoided looking in her direction at all costs, opting instead to cross my arms on the table and bury my face in them.
It wasn't until more people started coming in that I occasionally looked up.
I wanted to know who was coming in, whose footsteps I heard. I was also interested in who would sit next to me, just in case I was unlucky and ended up next to one of the rowdier boys.
Even so, I glanced very little, and always below their necks; I didn't want to know if they were looking back at me or not. Despite this precaution, my gaze occasionally wandered to their faces, but luckily they weren't looking at me.
I would love to convince myself that no, since people had forgotten about the dilemma; but it was clear that I was not capable.
Even though I couldn't look them in the eyes, it was a small relief to see from the way they moved their bodies that they weren't paying attention to me, and if they were, it was minimal.
"So, how are your exams going?" A soft but weak voice made me not look up as people passed by. There were three of them, and before anyone could answer, one of them stopped walking.
"I can't concentrate, and I'm having trouble remembering what I've studied. At this rate," another person, a little annoyed and exhausted, stopped mid-sentence and stopped walking. The third didn't even have time to speak.
The group fell silent for a moment. Footsteps could be heard outside the classroom, and the few students entering. Someone sighed. Another, in a strong voice, tried to resume the conversation.
"I haven't had that many problems studying. If you want, I can help you."
"It's like you're laughing in my face," he said quietly, annoyed since he came in, perhaps even more so now than before.
I didn't hear anything immediately after that reply, but I could sense the somewhat tense atmosphere within the group. Shortly after…
"Excuse me. I could really use your help." That same voice apologized.
"Mhm. And you, _¨*^?¿·?", continued the powerful voice.
" I study better alone."
"I can't hear you."
" I'd rather study alone!"
"Okay, I'm counting on you."
"But I said no!" the weak voice retorted, now a little agitated and embarrassed.
It disgusted me to be able to see the situation perfectly even without looking.
They continued talking for a while, moving to the back of the classroom where one of them sat. That at least allowed me to look at the door again, but it didn't free my body from the anxiety.
They've seen me... Well, it's normal, I'm not going to get away with everything.
And even though I understood it, that phrase kept repeating itself in my mind.
They saw me. They saw me. They saw me. They ignored me. It's the same as last time; that Smurf must have taught them a thing or two. Wretches.
It wasn't worth trying to fix the situation; it was clear they were better off this way. The best thing to do was give them a taste of their own medicine.
People kept coming in, and I kept getting more and more flustered. Except for the seats behind me, all the places around me were taken. Everyone was minding their own business; no one was paying any attention to me.
I glanced discreetly around, and it was true, no one was looking at me. That can't be right, they should be paying attention; things like this aren't easily forgotten.
Amidst all the voices talking, I couldn't hear the footsteps of those entering, so I occasionally glanced at the door; the rest of the time I spent staring at the table.
It was Nagatomo , wasn't it? I should thank him. Though not right now.
I looked back at where I used to sit, and sure enough, there was a girl sitting there. She was short, with big, thick hair, and she was talking to another girl next to her…
It took me a while to realize it, but something felt off.
I think I've seen them before…
After thinking about it for a moment, it dawned on me that I had indeed seen them before, at the entrance. The one with the makeup and the short one, whose last name is apparently Nagatomo.
Amidst the surprise of having already seen them at the entrance, Nagatomo herself focused her gaze for a moment on my seat, and as I turned away, our eyes met. I turned away instantly.
Now she had seen me. Even if I hadn't turned around, she would have looked at me. Is this a feeling I'll always have to live with, this constant feeling of being watched?
I can't know who's watching me from behind, I might not even notice if someone is looking at me from the side or even straight on. I also won't be able to know if they've spoken behind my back, or what they've said.
It was normal, but I didn't want it to happen. If only they'd leave me alone…
"…"
"…"
I glanced at the door for a moment, and there was Otsuki.
It took her a moment to see me, as her eyes first traveled to the background, and then to me. I didn't realize it, but instead of looking below her neck, as I had done with everyone else, I raised my eyes until they met hers.
However, I didn't stare at them for long. It was just long enough for her to smile slightly. After that, I looked at the floor instead of the table.
I remembered the decision I'd made after seeing her smile. I didn't want to back out of it after making up my mind, but I couldn't yet. And besides, with the whole class here, I didn't think it was the best idea to approach her.
If there were ever a time I could talk to her, it would be during recess. Or so I would say if she didn't have anyone to hang out with.
Otsuki has Tsukiyomi and Hina. I don't know if Tsukiyomi will go to the library, but I'm sure he'll at least hang out with Hina.
I also considered saying something to her after class, but like before, she'd hang out with her friends first. And what would I say anyway?
So, as the bell rang in the hallways, and with the classroom full, our English teacher entered.