I spent more time daydreaming than in class. It wasn't just English class, but the next two were the same. There were several reasons for this.
I'd already given up on studying, and paying attention now wasn't going to help. Besides, I'd forgotten how boring classes usually are, especially now that I have no one to talk to.
I also couldn't stop thinking about my surroundings, the people around me, and it stressed me out not knowing if they had noticed me or not. That only made me think they had, and the images that flashed through my mind were, of course, terrible.
It wasn't just the people right next to me, but also the two diagonally to my lower right, and the monkey in the left corner of the classroom. I couldn't help but feel watched from behind, and I didn't have the courage to turn around. That discomfort made it completely impossible for me to relax.
Finally, there was Otsuki. He sat in the fourth row, second from the left, so he was far from me. In fact, he was closer to my other seat.
It was ironic, because even though I couldn't see her face to face, I thought about her so much that I couldn't see anything else. And I don't mean that in a romantic way.
She was the victim of what happened that Friday, and she must have said something to people when she got back to class. At least to the gossips. I wanted to know exactly what she told them.
As much as I wanted to convince myself that she had told them all to go eat asparagus, I doubt that the class would have let her get away unscathed after witnessing such an event.
" Yes, I apologized to him, can you leave me alone?"
"Well, look, we've made up and now we're friends, so leave him alone."
"What? You want to beat him up? Count me in."
None of those possibilities are realistic; she's not like that.
Of course, there's also the possibility that I haven't said anything, and at the end of the day I'll have to face a wave of people with microphones as if I were a politician.
In short, even when I was on cloud nine I couldn't be comfortable.
Fortunately or unfortunately, the bell started ringing after a long math class in the fourth period.
The sound itself was an unhealthy scare for my heart, which then raced as I realized all the things I had to deal with.
First, I prepared myself for the most likely scenario: being bombarded by gossips. I glanced around the classroom a couple of times, and I didn't see anyone approaching me directly. My preparation was to leave the classroom as quickly as possible, but without seeming out of place; that would only make people follow me.
I'm not going to start running down the hallways if someone starts following me either.
And as soon as recess started, I would probably bump into a girl who just happened to be carrying a stack of papers, and instead of being a chance encounter, now there would be more people who wanted to kill me.
Before leaving, I couldn't help but glance behind me out of sheer paranoia, and, having stood up from his seat but still nearby, I caught Otsuki's eye. I broke eye contact instantly and left the classroom.
It was only when I got far enough away from my class that my heart calmed down a little, though that was only one of the problems. I stood leaning against a wall perpendicular to the hallway of my classroom that led to the stairs.
That's when I realized that I acted without taking into account the other factors.
I hope you don't take it the wrong way…
I looked him straight in the face and didn't bother waiting until we were more or less together to talk, since I was sure he'd have something to say. I feel bad, but it was that or be eaten alive.
Even so, I was sure she was going to meet up with her friends anyway, and it's not like I could just go with her, so I'd have to apologize to both of them.
A chill ran through my entire body. Just the thought of having to face them terrified me. I couldn't even joke about saying anything, let alone the words I should.
And even if I apologize, nothing will change. According to what Otsuki told me, Hina might truly forgive me, but it's impossible for Tsukiyomi to do the same.
If even one of the three in the group rejects me, it's enough to be completely cut out of the group, and Otsuki isn't kind enough to spend some of the time she should be spending with her friends, or at least with Hina, on me.
And I still have to thank, was it Nagatomo? I was told that name this morning.
It's not something I really have to do; unlike the other two, I can ignore this part without any consequences.
I don't know her very well, but with her short, slightly wide frame and her personality, I'm sure she'll jump like a startled cat the moment I get near her. And if that Chinese doll is her friend, I'm not going to come out of the interaction unscathed.
Taking those three important factors into account, I practically couldn't run into anyone from my class right now. Any of those three paths leads to a bad ending, no matter what.
However, this is not a good place to hide .
Almost all the students were already where they wanted to be, and near me there was only the usual group hanging around in the stairwell. Feeling like I was being watched, I went up the stairs to the third floor.
Since finishing my first year of high school, I've never had any reason to come back up here. Aside from those classes, all there is here are clubs.
Just around the corner on the right, for example, was the photography club. I'd keep coming up here if only…
No, no, no, it's not the time to think about that, now you're on the run.
Being on the third floor was already a first step, but anyone who started looking for me would find me if I were in plain sight.
The only thing I could think of was to lock myself in the bathroom.
I should be used to it after doing it occasionally in fifth and sixth grade, but between how claustrophobic it felt, how uncomfortable it was, the paranoia that someone would mess with me there, and the fear of getting locked in, I never managed to make it a habit, thankfully.
Having to relive that mix of sensations put me off, so I had to look for another alternative.
The library isn't a place to hide in the first place, and Otsuki would surely expect that; blending in with the people in the courtyard wouldn't work either, partly because I don't even want to be around so many people; and I have nowhere else to run to.
Annoyed, I started walking in circles, slightly raising my head, with one hand on my chin.
Ugh, I don't have any other choice? I guess I'll have to play tag after all. But I can't let that happen. Although, if it does, it would be best if Otsuki caught me.
Thinking about it, she's more likely to be looking for me now; the rest of the class doesn't know me at all, and as far as I know, they're not that gossipy.
Although it's the best option, it might also come with Hina and Tsukiyomi as well.
"Look, Riku, I've brought my friends!"
"Hello, Riku!", crack crack , go Tsukiyomi's knuckles .
Just stop thinking about it… They're not coming, I know they're not coming. Otsuki is threat enough as it is.
She might not mean any harm, but I still can't talk to her, at least not right now. And I've talked to her at both her house and mine. I need to give myself a little…
I shook my head without giving myself a chance to finish what I was thinking.
Come on! Didn't you say you wanted me to be your friend? You can't just run away from a friend like that.
And that was precisely why I was running away from her; because she was a potential friend.
It wasn't because she was my first friend—the fact that she was a woman mattered little to me now—but because she was a friend. Thinking about the word inevitably made me think about them. If there was anything I couldn't run away from, it was that little group.
And look, they're the only ones in the class who ignore me.
I quickly lost track of why I had started pacing like a madman, but glimpsing a possible savior was what got me out of that mess.
I was glancing slightly upwards, as I'd been doing, facing the stairs again, the steps that led not to the fourth floor, but to the rooftop. Or well, you could call the rooftop the fourth floor… but that's beside the point.
The exit itself was closed, and the prohibition against going out there only made me more determined not to bring another vacation home with me. Luckily for me, I didn't have to go out to stay hidden.
The stair railings were high enough to hide me behind them, and since they were a wall, rather than iron bars, I wouldn't be seen at all; I would just have to be crouching or sitting down.
Of course, this wouldn't work if the ascent led directly to the exit, but the small area before it covered the entire margin of the staircase, and where there could be more stairs, an excellent railing for my plan.
It's infallible!
I went up the stairs, after checking that no one was nearby who could see me, and reached the area. Besides the exit to the rooftop, there were a couple of tables and chairs scattered about, as well as a medium-sized cabinet with a couple of drawers. I couldn't explain why it was there.
He's definitely calling me… 'You have to open up, Boo!'
I let out a sigh that sounded like a laugh, and soon after, I dismissed the idea of looking inside. Every second I'm standing is a second I can be found.
It was frustrating not being able to sit in the chairs, but I'd have to put up with it.
With that frustration, I inaugurated my new base.
I should give it a name… Hmm, 'The Impenetrable Base'? 'The Ghost Site'? 'The Gold Mine'?
I thought and thought about names, and in the end I gave up because they were all too generic. This was my base. Period.
Now that I had found cover, all that remained was to stick to my plan. I crossed both my arms and my legs.
Wait .
The plan became a bit of a nuisance when I realized I hadn't brought my bag, having left class in such a hurry, so I was going to be a little hungry.I was lucky that they let the students out of the classroom once lunch had started.
Now that I think about it, I don't think I even made myself a bento before leaving. And if my dad made me one, I didn't notice. If I left it at home, sorry, Dad.
Although that problem paled in comparison to the second. Having left my bag in class meant I couldn't read anything. I couldn't get distracted in any way. It was just waiting, waiting, and…
But I don't want that! Now the plan is crap!
I put my hands to my head at the colossal failure I'd caused. This was almost worse than being in the middle of class. I clicked my tongue.
"Oh well, what does it matter?"
Discouraged, I rested my elbow on one of my legs, and on the hand of that arm I rested my right cheek.
As if it were the first time I'd done nothing.
Having nothing better to do, I let those thoughts about the club plague my mind.
Having him so close… Was he really in there two years ago?
Now it seemed unthinkable to even stand in front of the door. I wondered where I got the courage to join them.
That was the first and only time I decided to talk to someone of my own volition; no one came looking for me. I don't remember how I introduced myself, but I know I was very nervous, looking at the ground and stuttering a little.
I wonder what face the person who was talking would have made. Was it the boy? Is he still at the club?
Given how much time has passed, he should be the only member of the club I've been with who's still there, if he's even still there. Who knows if he joined because of his friend or because of the club itself.
I went there to make friends, and the last thing I did was talk to the club president about leaving. I must have wasted all my courage joining, or was I just disappointed?
I've always been convinced that I left the club because it lacked something special. Going out with them wasn't at all what I expected, and even though they tried to include me, in a way, I was the one excluding myself. Of course, I didn't know that then.
I was silent the whole time, so it's no wonder they ignored me . If I were a loudmouth, at least I'd have a chance to change things the moment they bruised my ego, but I didn't leave any opening.
He was locked in a room within that same room.
"Riku, is something wrong?"
" Don't you feel like coming with us today?"
"If you're feeling unwell, you don't have to come."
"If you're feeling unwell." Being so nervous and thinking so negatively meant they handed me an excuse on a silver platter.
"Yes, I think being in high school still has me a little shaken up."
I came up with an excuse like that. I remember this better because it's one of those things I'm embarrassed to recall while trying to sleep.
And they had no choice but to accept it. They weren't going to force someone 'bad' to go out. Once there were two, two became three, and from three came dozens.
When they left, I stayed at the club alone, with nothing much to do, since I didn't read much back then, and I didn't take my phone to class for fear of losing it. I always left shortly before they returned, as it would be strange for someone who was 'sick' to stay at a club.
I had a fantasy, a delusion that one of those days, they would return sooner than expected, find me as if I were a stray dog, and see right through me, so that I could truly feel close to them.
It's clear that that never happened.
I stayed at the club so she'd think everything was fine. Of course, I soon started crying to her about everything, and then I replaced the time I spent alone at the club with time I spent with her. I completely gave up.
And on top of that, the few times I did speak, it was half-heartedly, with a bit of fear. Sometimes I was even afraid to go inside the club.
As I was lost in my mind, I stopped resting my elbow on my leg, curling both up into a position where I could hug them and curl into a ball, but instead I crossed my arms and let them fall into the gap between my legs and my torso.
Even after everything he had achieved, deep down, he was still that kid who couldn't even get into the bakery.
And I couldn't let anyone into my place, my club. My base.
"Well, I found you quickly. Good, now you're going to explain why you ran away as if you were afraid of me," said Otsuki, peeking out from my right after coming up the stairs, and seemingly a little annoyed.