Contrary to my expectations, which weren't very clear at the time, Otsuki ended up finding the place where I was hiding. It wasn't very well hidden, it seemed.
" How did you know I was here?"
"Because there aren't many places to hide. I knew you weren't going to be in the library, so I just had to keep an eye out up here and outside. I wouldn't have been able to do anything if you'd gone to the restroom… but it doesn't matter now!"
Wasting time answering my question, Otsuki shook her head slightly as she refocused on what she wanted to say. Now that she had found me, it didn't matter that I might have been in other places.
" You should have told me you were coming today!"
"Oh… that, I forgot."
"I see that."
Relaxing my legs a little, which extended forward, I put a hand to the back of my neck.
With all the fuss about 'preparing myself mentally' and 'seeing what the teacher says,' I'd completely forgotten that I was supposed to tell Otsuki. I hadn't seen it as a problem at first because she didn't say a word to me when I came in, but I see that it did matter to her.
" Also, why did you run out of class?"
"I don't want people to eat me."
"They're not going to do that, man. Or maybe they will, now that I think about it."
"See?"
Otsuki first shook his hand, as if it were not a problem, but soon afterwards changed to a more understanding posture.
"I'm sure the same thing happened to you when you went back to class."
I wasn't sure if it was a topic she wanted to bring up so soon, but the question of what she might have said was eating me up inside. Otsuki didn't seem to mind telling me, but she wasn't exactly thrilled about it either. She could have told me this when she first came to my house, but she must have had her reasons for leaving it out.
"Yes, a few people asked me, but I told them all it was water under the bridge. I remember Okuzawa getting a little nervous, but the rest agreed that we should make peace. I don't think you have to worry; it's been two weeks, and people will have forgotten all about it."
Moving a little closer to me and leaning her hip against the railing, Otsuki assured me that nothing bad was going to happen to me regarding my class. I didn't want to dwell on her words, but I couldn't deny it either.
Leaving aside the question of who the heck Okuzawa was, yes, it's been two weeks, and I don't think this is nearly as interesting as a TV series to have me eagerly awaiting the next episode. However, my going to class today might have piqued the interest of people who had already given up on it, or who had simply forgotten about it.
Whether or not that's the case, I prefer to be cautious this time and avoid the bomb exploding in my face again.
"I left just in case."
"I understand, I won't bring it up again."
She wasn't looking directly at me either. I was on the floor, she was facing forward. I was waiting for her to ask me something else before I told her the only thing on my mind. My wait wasn't in vain.
" And speaking of class… Never mind, never mind."
Otsuki began speaking in her usual tone, somewhat interested, but then she stopped, her voice lower and more hesitant. She would never know what made her fall silent.
He was probably going to ask me something like, ' How have things been at home?' Now that exams are coming up, he would have done so even more, but I suppose he didn't out of consideration.
Me too, I don't deserve someone like that.
The thoughts I was having completely contradicted the atmosphere we were in. You don't have an encounter like this with an acquaintance, after all.
"Have you been studying? Don't tell me now that everything I've had to teach you has been for nothing."
Or perhaps she's not as considerate as I thought.
"This…"
What I thought he didn't want to tell me is exactly what he's telling me now. If that's the case, I haven't the faintest idea what he meant before. Now, this creates a whole new little problem.
If I lie and say yes, I'll get to the exams, fail, and she'll think I'm not good at studying, or worse, that she's the useless one and that she explained everything wrong to me.
But if I'm honest, he's going to be furious now. No matter how much he forces me to study three hours a day, I'm not going to be able to turn this around. I haven't studied for more than an hour and a half a day, and asking me to double that now is just going to make me learn everything poorly.
I usually study between one and one and a half hours a day, always with a two-week margin in relation to the exams so that I never have to push myself, and that's knowing that I do most of the practice in class.
Now, not only do I have less than half that time, but on top of that I have to learn all the new math and science stuff, because to be honest, I barely remember Otsuki's explanations, in addition to all the theory from the other subjects.
That's why I prefer to just study what I have time for, as always, and that's it. I'd love to give up completely, but if I can salvage some subjects, all the better. Besides, that way I'll have less pressure for the finals.
"Sorry, sensei."
"…"
I don't know if the look on her face was because she hadn't studied or because I called her sensei again. I'm sure that makes more than fifteen times now.
" You'll pass the finals. I hope."
"But we haven't even had the midterms yet..."
" Do you really think you're going to pass without studying?"
"It's not that I'm not going to study, I'll start today with whatever I can."
"Mmm, well, I can see the work you're doing up here."
"I can't concentrate at school."
Excluding practice classes, I couldn't study anywhere other than my room. I guess that's a valid excuse for not studying during break time.
" I can help you if you want."
"No need. I have to study the theory on my own; at this point, I don't really care about the practical side. I don't want you to do worse on the exams because I'm acting as your teacher."
" Then, good luck."
"I'm going to need it."
I didn't want to drag Otsuki down into the mess she was already in; the last thing I needed was to feel guilty about something else. Besides, it's not like my home study will be perfect. If I couldn't pay attention for more than ten minutes in class, I doubt I'd get very far at home, even if I really tried.
After a brief pause, and setting aside the exams, Otsuki continued.
"I want you to know that I haven't told Natsuki or Hina that you're here. The rest of the class hasn't, but Natsuki would definitely be tearing you apart right now if she knew you were here."
These stories, however exaggerated they were meant as a joke, didn't amuse me much. In fact, they made me even more afraid of talking to her.
Tsukiyomi looked like any other girl in the library. She had glasses, brown eyes and hair, a braid on the right side, and bangs swept to the left. Aside from her height, which was similar to Otsuki's, nothing about her suggested she was someone who would kill me at first sight. I guess appearances can be deceiving.
" Seriously though, Natsuki has really calmed down. I think she's more annoyed by the jokes about her killing you than by you yourself."
"So you're implying she's still annoyed by me?"
"No way. I think."
"What do you mean, 'you think'?"
You're not helping me with this, just so you know. Not at all.
Whether I like it or not, I'm going to have to face those two girls with the idea that one of them is going to kill me. Even if Otsuki had told me that Tsukiyomi is one hundred percent at peace with me, I'm still going to think I'm a dead man.
I sighed at the act she was putting on with me.
" Have they said anything about me?"
"Them?"
"Who else?"
"Apart from the jokes with Natsuki, no. They might have asked once or twice when you were going or coming back or how you were, but little more than that."
I felt naive to think that people I've barely seen would be thinking about me so much. It's been the same lately, me thinking everyone is thinking about me.
And now it turns out that in class nobody paid attention to me, nobody wanted to bother me about what I did, and then Hina and Tsukiyomi practically treat it as history.
I know there have to be consequences to this. This is all just the process. When is something bad going to happen? If I let my guard down thinking I can befriend Otsuki, he's going to catch me off guard.
That's what made me focus on what I wanted to ask Otsuki from the beginning. There was no better time than now, since it partly involved her friends as well.
"If everyone in class doesn't care about what happened and they're just waiting for me to apologize... what do we do after that?"
"What do you mean by 'after'?"
She seemed genuinely intrigued by the question, which surprised me, since I thought my question was quite clear.
"I mean, what are we going to do after the exams; or no, after I apologize to them?"
"Ah."
In the end, she understood what I meant, and I couldn't notice much of a change in her face. It didn't surprise me, though; it was something I expected.
Part of me would like her to look a little more subdued, as if she wanted to keep talking to me, but it's too far a dream to make a reality.
" To be honest, I hadn't thought about it."
She tilted her head back, taking the moment she needed to think it over. Or so she would have thought if she didn't know what she had in mind.
It's clear it will be something like, 'well, I guess we can each go our separate ways and that's it.'
Anyone with half a brain would go that way. Being with me right now would only bring you trouble; nobody wants to take care of a troubled child. Nobody wants to take care of a child in the first place; they're such a burden.
While she was thinking, I assumed what she was going to tell me, and I went ahead so that the revelation wouldn't hurt so much.
"I think it would be best if we each went our separate ways."
She lowered her head, looking down at mine. She didn't answer, waiting for me to explain while she looked at me. There was no hostility in her eyes. If I had to say anything, the closest thing I saw in them was curiosity, however slight. With or without malice, her gaze unsettled me.
" I mean, even if people have let it go, it's not like they've magically forgotten. Who knows how they'll react if they see us together talking like nothing happened."
Of what could happen, I don't know what worries me more, what they might think of me, or what they might think of her.
" Riku's probably threatening her so he won't be alone." "Only a coward would do things like that."
"How can she hang out with him after what he did to her?" "What a weirdo, we'd better not get too close." "Maybe she's a masochist…"
I don't want to ruin her reputation as a reasonably normal student—well, she can't be very normal with the way she's wearing her uniform. Sure, she's only rolled up her jacket sleeves, but that already makes her stand out.
Needless to say, my expectations couldn't have been lower. I'd already been thinking, despite finally making a decision for the first time in a while,
"So what?"
"AND?"
I repeated her question, not because I hadn't understood it, but because of the slight disbelief that escaped my voice after hearing it. I quickly covered it up.
"I'm not saying I don't care what people think, but in this case they're sticking their noses where they don't belong. And even if they say something, seeing us together will soon be normal, won't it?"
"Even if they stop talking at some point, they'll be left with that image for much longer, and that's going to make them look at you askance at the very least. That's clear."
" But does that matter? You're not going to see them again for six months."
"?"
" They're not all going to the same high school."
At first I didn't understand what he meant, and his explanation made me realize how clueless I was.
Of course, I'm graduating in April!
With this new information, everything I'd said before became worthless. It would make sense to think that way if it were my first year here, but I'll be leaving without making a name for myself in no time.
Even so, I was too involved in this defense to just drop my main forehead like it was nothing.
"What if some people go to the same place you're going? They might spread rumors about you."
I gave up on talking about my case because I already assumed we wouldn't be going to the same high school. I'll most likely go to that one .
" Nobody's going to do that. By then, they probably won't even remember me. You worry too much."
Otsuki shook his hand, considering everything in my head an unnecessary problem with an obvious solution. "Just don't think about them." Although that wasn't the last thing he said.
"If you're uncomfortable being with me, just say so," she said, sounding a little annoyed. However quietly she said it, being so close to me and in such a quiet place, it would have been strange not to have heard her.
"N-no, it's not…!"
That caused me to react with obvious desperation, practically not thinking about anything other than what came out of my mouth. I cut myself off as soon as I could.
That animated reaction, which contrasted sharply with how I had been controlling myself until now, made Otsuki certain that I was telling the truth.
"That's not what I meant."
Now I was embarrassed, though not blushing. That had made me feel even more downcast than before. Above all, I felt frustrated that I hadn't been able to control that reaction.
" So, you don't mind if I talk to you?"
Otsuki persisted in speaking even though he owed nothing to anyone. No matter how much he tried to maintain his composure, Otsuki could sense the feelings behind those words.
I guess he wasn't lying about being friends…
From that day on, she's never stopped considering me her friend, at least I think so. And if that's true, then I've already achieved my goal of making Otsuki my friend, but I can't help but feel that something doesn't quite add up.
What I was looking for wasn't just the label of friend, but the feeling, and that's what I didn't perceive, neither before nor now. It's like talking to someone I know but who isn't an acquaintance; more than that, but less than a friend.
"No, I don't care."
I answered her question, but since the answer seemed aggressive to me, I clarified it as quickly as possible.
"I don't mind in the sense that you can talk to me."
Her reaction afterwards was less ambiguous than the rest, clearly satisfied with what she had heard.
This, however, did not last long, as it brought with it a matter that worried me equally.
" If you want to keep hanging out with me, what are you going to do about Hina and Tsukiyomi? I doubt it's fair to give me the same amount of time as them, since you've known them for a while."
"The four of us can be together."
Ehhhhhhhhhhh!?
She said it with such a calm face, as if it were normal to think something like that… It scared me. Not only was she ignoring everything that had happened, but she was also assuming they would accept that decision.
First of all, Hina may not care, even though she has no idea what kind of person he is, but from what a certain little bird told me, Tsukiyomi won't even want to be in the same room as me.
And even if I wanted to, they're a group of girls! I can't just walk right in there, it's inconceivable! Since time immemorial there have been groups of boys and girls, and if they're mixed there's usually a certain balance between the number of boys and girls, and three girls and one boy is anything but balanced!
What's more, if people later see me out and about with a group of three girls, they'll think I'm a Don Juan and a real manipulator!
No matter how I looked at it, that seemed impossible to me. That 'do the impossible, see the invisible' mentality didn't give me much hope.
" We'll have to see."
I couldn't hide the incredulous and uncertain expression his statement left on my face, and I put my hand to the back of my neck.
"And by the way, have you told them what you were going to do? Because if they don't know you're with me, you must have told them a lie."
I thought, now for sure, that I didn't have any more questions, but that was one I thought of at the last minute, after thinking a little about everything Otsuki has been telling me.
She answered without any difficulty.
"I told them I wanted to show some notes to the geography teacher. I'll make up a story that he spent the whole break bothering me."
" If they knew him, they'd believe it even more."
"You can say that again."
Thinking about our geography teacher talking about how delicious the dinner he had during his summer in Italy was while reviewing a student's notes made me burst out laughing at the same time as her, who I suppose was thinking something similar.
The silence crept up the stairs until it reached us as we finished laughing. It was the first time since she arrived that everything had been so quiet.
…If they accepted me, would I be okay with them?
With the photography club, I always imagined that if I had talked to them more, I would surely have ended up becoming a member.
I doubt that with a group like that I would have been so entertained by &$%"!, I would have told him to go eat asparagus the third time he approached me.
Isn't this the same thing? If they are willing to accept me, I would be in the same situation, only now, in addition to taking the first step forward, I would have to take many more.
I wonder how far I can walk before I fall.
"Okay, now that you're comfortable with that, I'll start with the second thing I wanted to tell you."
Ah, that's not all.
Thinking that our conversation was over, I turned my attention back to Otsuki, who was looking for something inside her bag.
"Oh, isn't it in this pocket?" she said quietly, talking to herself. Seeing her so worried made me anxious to know what she was looking for, whether it was in the bag or not.
Almost immediately after she said that, she found what she was looking for.
"Here."
From her bag she pulled out a small, rather striking book. Or rather, more than a book…
"Have you read it yet?", it was the manga I lent him last weekend.
"Yes, I finished reading it all on Sunday."
She wore a slight smile as she remembered that day. She was about to tell me her opinion.
"You complain that I haven't studied, and now you tell me that you spent Sunday reading an entire manga, huh?"
"I studied as well as read."
I raised an eyebrow when I noticed she'd also skipped studying a bit, but she quickly corrected me. I was still one of the few fools who hadn't started studying yet.
"At first I was a little disappointed because it seemed generic, but then Ivy started using her inversion ability in elaborate ways. I mean, the author could have had her reverse the direction of gravity or something, but to use it to turn a toy rifle into a real one, all because she was too desperate to immobilize them… I don't know why, but even though it seems even simpler, I like it."
Despite trying to maintain her composure, Otsuki was practically smoking with excitement as she talked about the first volume.
"And then to use it to force himself to forget that he had to kill people, that I find truly unique."
Yes, he liked it…
I'm not saying this because I didn't like it at the time, but it didn't hold nearly the same interest for me as it does now when I first read it. I found it entertaining, but I was never this enthusiastic about it.
Being able to understand what she felt was what I really appreciated. You only need to feel that way about a work to know for sure that the other person feels the same, even if they're completely different series.
I'm sure we would have spent at least an hour talking about just one volume if we could have.
* Ring!*
" Is it time already? I've got so much I wanted to say."
"You can tell me another day."
"Well, you can count on it!"
Was that supposed to be a joke?
Seeing that recess was over, I was about to get up from my seat, but I didn't at the last moment.
She was surprised.
"Are you going to skip classes now that you know you can't pass?"
" That's not it."
The reason I was doing it completely contradicted what we had agreed on just a few minutes ago, but it was something I preferred to do for the time being.
" I still don't want them to see us together, I don't know how to say it, it's like I'm not ready, even though I'm trying to convince myself that it's going to be okay."
You've really outdone yourself…
Otsuki had a similar reaction to what I was having mentally, sighing at my lame excuse. Despite her disappointment, she decided not to push me too hard.
"Okay, then I'll go first. Here."
Before leaving, she came over to me and handed me the book, bending down slightly so I wouldn't have to stand up. I would have to carry it in my hand until I got to class.
" Thank you. Would you like me to bring you another one tomorrow?"
"I would like that, so if you can, I would appreciate it. And thank you very much for leaving me this one too."
"Well, you can count on it!"
" It's not funny that you're copying me."
"Okay."
Otsuki approached the staircase, finding a considerable number of people already walking through the corridors. I don't think they'll mind seeing her come down from here, and I hope there aren't any sickos waiting to see if anyone else comes down. That would be catastrophic.
"Then, I'll see you tomorrow in the courtyard."
"Goes."
I agreed to his suggestion without even considering that I'd have to go outside, to the patio, where there are other people, but that was a problem for my future self. If I can muster up enough courage, I could suggest another place to meet via LINE.
" See you tomorrow."
"See you tomorrow."
With so many people in the hallway, I couldn't hear their footsteps, so I decided to count to ten before leaving. Once I did, I stood up.
There were considerably fewer people than before, and knowing that I was on the third floor, I would have to hurry a bit to get to class.
Now on top of everything, I'm going to have to run…
I went down the stairs as fast as I could so I wouldn't be late; that would be awful for my glorious return to class, which was already ruined even before I entered the building.
After a break like that, I won't have a chance to get bored in class. If I was daydreaming before, now I'll be in space.
On the other hand…
* * * * * * * * *
I knew that boy was a wretch.