Fortunately, today wasn't the day I had seventh period, so I only had to endure two more classes. And I was quite hungry, I should add.
I'm grateful Otuski didn't ask me anything like that. It's not like she could have given me anything anyway; she probably spent most of the time I was hiding eating.
These last two classes felt excessively long. It was in fifth class when we had Spanish, and my tutor didn't mention anything about me being back, at my request in his email, although he couldn't help but glance at me briefly before smiling.
It was to be expected that the little time I managed to disconnect in class, I would do so thinking about the conversation I had with Otsuki.
Almost everything she said was said casually, as if it were common sense to think that way. That no one was paying attention to me, that it was fine to hang out with her. And if something did happen, she wouldn't care.
"I'm doing this because I want to," he said when he first came to my house. Even though he didn't say it now, he had the same air about him.
I couldn't help but think that all she wanted was to calm me down, to make me believe everything was going to be alright without actually believing the words she was saying. Maybe it was true, that all this talk of 'hanging out with me' was to make me feel better, and once I was better, she'd just leave me behind.
I have no idea how much thought she had over those words before saying them. You can't just throw someone new into an established group like that, especially if they've hurt you.
He can't do it, but there's a part of me that can't help but want those words to come true.
To be able to get along with them, to have a place where I fit in again, no, not again, to have a place where I fit in, even if it's just a little.
I wouldn't mind being alone in class, I've already been like that for two years, but it's not worth ruining an opportunity like that if it's what I really want.
Are what I deserve and what I want the same thing?
*Riiiiing!*
Eventually, the bell rang at the end of sixth period, freeing everyone in the classroom from the clutches of the geography teacher. Ahhh, freedom.
I had planned to make the most of that freedom; by going home. I had done well, or at least as well as I could. As long as no one tries to stop me before I leave, I'm happy.
As soon as you get out of here, it will all be over, you'll be fine, you'll have made it.
Unlike what I did at recess, this time I didn't rush out of class; nor did I take my time. I made sure I had everything, and headed for the door, through which students were already leaving.
In that atmosphere, no one was looking at me, no one approached me. It was as if nothing had happened. As much as I felt like I was being watched, I couldn't make eye contact with anyone, no matter how much I glanced around as I walked toward the door.
With no one except her.
"…"
At a distance, though not too far, she saw me, having finished gathering her things. I thought about turning around and leaving before the situation got worse; I couldn't trust the idea that no one would be complaining about me right now, but something stopped me.
She smiled a little later, though it was a barely perceptible smile. It was directed at me; I didn't know why, and I didn't know how to react. I raised my hand slightly, waving goodbye.
She saw it and did the same.
I left the class right after.
Instead of running desperately through the hallways, I walked alongside the other students, unable to avoid getting a little nervous.
Instead of walking past the lockers, I stopped in front of mine and changed out of my school shoes, which were visibly worn from being taken outside, and into my own shoes, which were clean and free of dirt. I put on my headphones as soon as I stepped outside.
I arrived at the train station, where there were a few other kids nearby. The train doesn't usually take long to arrive, and luckily for me, today was going to be one of the days when it wouldn't be crowded.
It's not usually the case, given their address, but you never know when people's plans might coincide.
It was thanks to this same luck that I was able to get a seat on the train. At first, I had no one next to me, but seconds after I sat down, two boys sat to my right. Although it made me a little uncomfortable, I didn't get up or move.
Right now I was accompanied by music.
I felt as if I had accomplished something immeasurable, when all I had done was what others consider routine, what I considered routine. All I had done was recover some of what I had lost.
And this is probably one of the few things I can salvage. If he were here, he would have thrown it in my face, but I don't need trash like him pointing out such obvious things.
But it makes me angry to think that he would be right.
Is this all I could salvage? The rest of the problems seem infinitely beyond my reach to even attempt to solve.
This step doesn't really mean anything. It's not new; it's something I'd already put myself off . And I have to do it tomorrow, and the day after, and so on until the end of the school year, and then do the same thing in high school.
At least, this progress seemed secondary compared to the goal that lay ahead.
I never wanted to come here just for the sake of attending class; that would never be enough. I'd say I came because I wanted to be close to Otsuki, a friend, at best.
But was that the reason I ran away?
In class, I thought that at least someone, at least one of them, would look at me with hatred in their eyes. That someone would whisper about me in the hallways.
'Hey, isn't that him?...' 'Yes...' 'That's scary...'
People may still be thinking about it, they probably are, but they'll be keeping it to themselves.
Even though I haven't seen anything yet, I can't convince myself that what Otsuki says is true.
I kept thinking about what I'd believed since I started class: that people don't forget things easily. Otsuki made me consider the opposite, that no one cared about me even after what had happened.
I'm not really important to anyone in my class, but they don't need to be interested in me to talk behind my back. They can at least laugh at me when they see me walking down the hall.
Laughter. He could still hear it from time to time while he slept, if he managed to sleep at all. It wasn't every time he dreamed, but when it happened, he couldn't help but suffer. He couldn't sleep even when he should have been resting.
Wasn't this something similar? When I was supposed to have improved my attitude, to have hope after she had supported me every single time she spoke to me, I'm stuck with the same attitude I've always had.
If it's not to change that, to be able to believe that Otsuki... that everyone can be my friend, then what have I come for?
…
To contradict &$%"!.
I wanted to laugh in their faces, shattering their expectations. I didn't even bother to look at him, or at them, but I know they reacted to my presence. I know they weren't expecting it.
Because of that surprise, that frustration he would feel seeing me here instead of crying at home. And not just from him, but from everyone in class.
'I don't want him to come back here.' 'I don't want to be in the same class as an abuser.' 'Can't they just send him to jail?'
Before coming here, not a day went by that I didn't imagine people's reactions, not only when I arrived at class, but also what they thought of me when I wasn't there. Only two people believed I would actually come to class, and one of them wasn't even from my school.
That's why that small step felt so empty, not because something was completely covering it up.
But because of how dirty the emotion was that led me to do it.
Next time I should bother to look her in the eyes when I talk to her.