Giyuu likes to think he has a good memory.
He can remember many moments in his life down to the detail, especially the emotions that came with those moments. He remembers when he first met his best friend and how ecstatic he was to find someone who didn't make fun of him for his quiet demeanor. He remembers how his family reacted to him coming out as gay and how they refused to accept it at first and still struggle to this day. He remembers how he felt when he first met the group of friends he has now and how he had never felt that comfortable around a group before.
He remembers when he first met Sanemi at the beginning of their final year of middle school, and could have never predicted what would come in the future between them…
So why the hell can't he remember last night and how he ended up in Sanemi's bed this morning and was forcefully shoved into said person's closet just now?
A few minutes earlier
The morning light beamed from an unfamiliar direction, shining on Giyuu's face, his eyes squinting in a low effort to block the sunlight. ' Strange,' he thought, he didn't remember going home last night and the bed he was currently laying in didn't feel like his own, it felt unknown to him. He opened his eyes slowly, rubbing them in the process before sitting up slowly, groaning internally at the incoming headache that came with a hangover, 'What the hell happened last ni-'
Wait…
The memories flooded in like a monsoon, everything- everything, came rushing in at once; the alcohol, the pool, the spin-the-bottle game, the ki-
'Oh my god, Sanemi kissed me, I kissed Sanemi, we kissed, wait-'
Giyuu was too afraid to even use his peripherals to see whose bed he was sleeping in even though the answer was clear when he looked back at the memories of last night. He turned to the side, albeit rather slowly, and there, still sleeping soundly with his back facing away from the ravenette, laid the white-haired man who was involved in last night's events. God, why couldn't he remember anything after they kissed? Did he blackout that badly? It took him a moment before noticing he wasn't even wearing the same clothes from the night before.
"Oh god, did we sleep together?'
Giyuu was too busy having his own internal crisis that he didn't hear the slight shuffling next to him, let alone the car that pulled up outside the house. Giyuu was pulled out of his scrambled thoughts when he felt the other begin to sit up, Sanemi groaning as he pinched the bridge of his nose, the hangover's effects probably hitting him as well. Giyuu kept completely silent as he watched the other take in his surroundings before turning to him, Giyuu's own eyes wide as saucers as he waited for the inevitable reaction. Sanemi looked at him, eyes still half-lidded from fatigue, as if he was trying to focus before they snapped open in realization, matching Giyuu's own.
Giyuu mustered up whatever courage he had to speak up, "I-I...I don't-"
"Oh my god!" Sanemi cut him off, shooting out of bed, the image before him setting in, a scarlet blush adorning his face.
Giyuu's face flushed in embarrassment matching Sanemi's as he averted his eyes, not only from the current situation actually setting in but the fact that he hadn't noticed Sanemi was completely shirtless until now, only sporting what he could assume was his pajama pants.
'Jesus, did they actually sleep together?'
Before either person could speak up again, the door burst open, "Hey, Sanemi, your-" Uzui's words were cut off as he saw the picture before him; Giyuu attempting to bury himself within the comforter as if trying to hide away from the world and Sanemi standing just off the side of the bed looking like the vein in his forehead was going to bust any minute from the interruption.
"Aw, well, that's sweet~. To be honest, we all saw this coming. I actually had a bet with-"
"Tengen, what the fuck do you want?!" Sanemi snapped, clearly annoyed.
"Oh, I wanted to let you know that your parents just showed up, they said you were expecting a visit or something, which sucks because we're all in the middle of cleaning downstairs, very irresponsible and unflashy of you to forget such an important event," Uzui explained, completely unbothered with the other's tone. "So you should get yourselves together because they're coming up when I exit this room."
With those last words, Uzui left the room, leaving the two there to do just as he said. Giyuu turned to Sanemi in a slight panic but before he could ask any questions, his breath hitched at the site of the other male. From all the times he's been around Sanemi he doesn't think he ever seen him look how he did at that moment; he looked like he was stuck in a state of shock, his eyes blown, giving every sign that he was not all right. His eyes held something of dismay, one may even say fear, and Giyuu didn't like it, he had never seen Sanemi look like that distressed before.
Giyuu almost completely forgot about their current situation as he reached out to the other, "Sanemi, are you-"
"Get up."
Giyuu pulled his hand back in confusion, "What?"
"Get up now." Sanemi left no room for argument as he moved swiftly towards his closet, pulling out a random t-shirt and pulling it over his head. Giyuu removed himself from the bed just as hastily and before he could ask what he should do, Sanemi was already grabbing him by the arm.
"Sanemi, what-" His words were cut short when he was pushed into the other's closet, eyes wide in confusion.
"Don't," Sanemi spoke sternly, eyes almost alarming to Giyuu, eyes that were completely different from what he remembered last night, let alone any other interaction they had. "Say anything." He finished before closing the door roughly.
Giyuu could hear the faint noise of footsteps and the door to the room opening along with some muffled voices he didn't recognize, most likely Sanemi's parents Uzui spoke of a few minutes ago. He could hear muffled talking but couldn't decipher anything that was said, instead he focused on remaining quiet to not cause any possible trouble.
His mind wandered to everything leading until now, did he really spend the night with Sanemi? Well, that was obvious, but did they do anything further than kissing? All he could remember from the night before was how close they were and his half-assed confession if you would even call it that. He remembers the last thing said to him…
'The one who's been driving me crazy for years.'
What did Sanemi mean by that? Was it possible that he also felt the same way towards Giyuu as he felt towards him this whole time, and for years? Giyuu thought that to be impossible because that would mean he had feelings towards him while he was with Kanae, but he was the one to ask Kanae out to begin with.
God, he truly did hate alcohol, the hangover having a delayed reaction and hitting him hard now affecting his thinking process. His head hurt like crazy, but he knew they needed to talk about whatever happened between them last night. His fingers grazed his bottom lip, even though the haziness still lingered he could still remember the feeling of their lips touching for the first time, and the second and third, and so on, but after some point, he couldn't remember anything after that. In a way, he hoped they didn't have sex, not because the idea didn't appeal to him, but because he felt it would make the situation more complicated than it already was.
Giyuu could hear the muffled conversations die down along with what sounded like goodbyes, he needed to prepare himself for the upcoming conversation. I mean, all the cards were already on the table and he's positive Sanemi must've remembered last night as well from seeing his reaction this morning, so there was no point in pretending as if none of it happened, especially since both of them said some serious ye meaningful things about each other. Giyuu didn't want to beat around the bush anymore, he needed to know if the other man meant what he said and ask if he truly did have feelings for him the same way he did.
As if on cue, the door opened wide, Sanemi not facing the ravenette as he walked toward the other end of the room, his back facing the ravenette. Giyuu stepped out tentatively, noticing his own clothes from the night before on the floor, reaching down hesitantly before picking them up. With clothes in hand, his gaze remained on the other individual, both not wanting to address the elephant in the room.
Giyuu cleared his throat before speaking up, "Sanemi, I think we should ta-"
"You need to leave."
Giyuu's eyes widened in shock, "W-what?" He stuttered, the grip on his clothes tightening. "Sanemi, we need to talk about last night, we-"
"There's nothing to talk about," He interrupted sharply, his back still turned to the other, his stature clearly tense. "Like I said, you need to leave."
"Sanemi, you-" Giyuu didn't understand why the other was acting this way, a complete contrast to how he acted last night. "Do you not remember what happened last night? We kissed, you said some things that are confusing to me, we need to-"
"Yes, I fucking remember and it was a fucking mistake!" Sanemi finally turned to meet the other's eyes and, god, did Giyuu hate being on the receiving end of that stare. It was a look he was familiar with, it was one Sanemi had when people got out of line with him, hell, he saw it last night when that random guy tried to pull a move on him, but never did he think he would see it directed towards him.
"Jesus Christ, Tomioka, we were both fucking drunk," Sanemi continued, his words cutting through the other like a blade, a hand brushing through his hair in frustration. "I know you're not stupid enough to believe anything anyone says when they're fucking wasted."
Giyuu had never heard Sanemi use his last name to address him, he had never been that serious with him before. He had never heard Sanemi insult him the way he just did, he had been reprimanded before by him but never in regards to his intelligence.
This wasn't who he remembered from last night, nor the one he had become familiar with throughout the years.
"Whatever the fuck that was last night, whatever the hell I said or did, it meant nothing, okay?"
Giyuu stood almost in a daze, hands clutching ever so tightly on the clothes within his hands, trying to find something to ground himself. It felt like his mind was flooded with thoughts but also put to a halt, like a dam that was near overflowing but was about to crack any moment now.
This truly wasn't who he remembered last night.
Although he couldn't remember much, he remembered how softly Sanemi had looked at him, how gently he had held him, how comforting he had spoken to him, and how euphoric it felt when he kissed him.
And now that same person was here, saying that it all meant nothing and that it was a mistake .
"We'll go on like nothing ever happened an-"
"Fuck you."
The two stood in silence for a moment, the tension in the air so thick that a knife probably couldn't even cut through it. Giyuu didn't even realize his eyes had teared up, tears probably streaming down his face by now but he couldn't care less as the other looked at him in complete shock. Sanemi was about to respond before Giyuu continued, "Fuck you, you're a fucking piece of shit."
Giyuu didn't care about the venom laced in his words, at this point he abandoned all reason, he didn't care about the consequences that came from what he was saying. He had spent years pining over this complicated asshole, spent months trying to bury his stupid feelings down to the core, only for Sanemi to swoop in and break the barrier he had taken so long to build, make him feel safe even for just a moment, then drop him like it was meaningless.
And Giyuu was so sick and tired of all of it.
"To-"
"Shut the fuck up!" Giyuu snapped, the stream of tears were never-ending. "Fuck you, you asshole! You really have the fucking audacity to say that shit after how you treated me? You fucking said it yourself, you remembered last night," Giyuu's voice trembled as he spoke, but his words bit like a toxin. "Even though we were both drinking, I know you know we both weren't far gone because you even wanted to make sure of it! You wanted to make sure I knew who you were and vice versa."
"Let-"
"Shut up, I'm not done talking," Giyuu damn near commanded. "Just as you said, you remember all the shit you said, but that means you remembered what I said too. You remember when I told you how you've confused me for years, and with the way you responded, you knew damn well what that meant to me."
Giyuu was so tired, fatigue reigned on him in a millisecond and now he just wanted to leave, he didn't want to see Sanemi's face ever again.
"To think that even for a moment," Giyuu laughed tearfully, hands coming up to futilely wipe away his tears. "I actually believed you meant everything you said, maybe I am just as stupid as you said. So if you want to disregard my feelings like trash and pretend like nothing ever fucking happened," He began to finish as he walked towards the door. "Like you didn't look at me the way you did, talk to me the way you did, held me the way you did, and kissed me the way you did, then, by all means, go fuck yourself and don't ever speak to me again."
With those last words, Giyuu stormed out of the room, completely indifferent to seeing the flash of hurt across the white-haired man's face. He ran down the stairs and past the kitchen where everyone in his friend group was, obviously taking a break from cleaning the house.
"Hey, Giyuu, where-" Sabito spoke up in an attempt to greet his friend, but Giyuu didn't bother, he bolted past everyone and stormed out the front door. Giyuu missed the concerned eyes and calls of his friends but he didn't care; he didn't care that tears blurred his vision, he didn't care about the throbbing headache he was experiencing nor did he care about the aching pain in his chest where his heart seemed to constrict, he just wanted to go home and forget everything from last night and this morning.
He was just so tired.
An hour later…
Shinobu and Sabito arrived at the apartment as soon as they were done helping clean up the house. Both equally worried for their friend who left without a word and looked less than fine, they wanted to go straight away but they knew how Giyuu was and typically needed some time to himself when he was upset, plus they would feel bad leaving the cleaning up to everyone else.
The apartment was quiet as they walked over to the ravenette's room, the door unsurprisingly closed. Sabito took the initiative and softly knocked, "Giyuu? Is everything alright? You left without saying anything." He opened the door slowly, surprising both him and Shinobu that it wasn't locked. Both sets of eyes laid on the curled-up lump on the bed, burritoed in the comforter, facing away from the door.
Both could tell something happened, and although they were also suffering the after-effects of last night, they could easily pinpoint if it had to do with something from then. Sabito sat at the edge of the foot of the bed, Shinobu walked around to where Giyuu was facing, noticing immediately that he seemed to be sleeping soundly. She could tell that he looked like he had been crying, his eyes were red and slightly puffy, and there were obvious tearstains on the pillow; it hurt her knowing he probably cried so much that he got tired and fell asleep.
Neither wanted to speak and possibly wake up their sleeping friend, but they also didn't want to leave him at this time. Shinobu went and grabbed a squishmellow she had gifted Giyuu for one of his birthdays, getting ready to lay on the floor since the bed was too small for three people. Sabito, instead, held out his hand to take the plushie, patting the foot of the bed for her to take, Shinobu looked at him wanting to make sure it was okay but before she knew it, Sabito had already taken the plushie and made his spot on the floor. Shinobu sighed to herself, her blush apparent but paying no mind as she laid herself gently at the foot of the bed, grateful for her small stature as she was able to fit in such a compact spot without disturbing the other.
Both fell asleep soundly while waiting patiently, their friend needed them now and they would wait as long as they needed to if it meant they could be there for him.
Giyuu hated the throbbing in his head, hated the heaviness in his eyes, but more so he hated the way his chest continued to contract at the thought of everything that happened that morning. He thought if he fell asleep he would wake up and realize none of it happened, but that's not what happened. Everything that happened that morning was real, Sanemi called everything that happened between them a mistake and disregarded it as nothing.
After he left, he walked straight home and fell into bed without a second thought. God, did he hate crying, he hated the feeling that came with it and he couldn't stop the second he found his way into his room. His chest tightened with every sob to the point where he felt like he couldn't breathe, it physically felt like his chest was crushing his heart and lungs. Memories of the night before plagued his mind, he had never felt such a euphoric high before, had never felt so safe and blissful, but now that was taken from him, and it hurt like hell.
Giyuu didn't want to wake up, but he felt an additional presence in his room that he knew was inevitable. Sitting up slowly, he wiped away any remnants of dried tears from his eyes before looking over at the two sleeping bodies that invited their way into his room. Even though he was hurting, he couldn't help but smile, they often did this for each other when one of them wasn't feeling well. He reached forward and poked Shinobu's forehead, "Hey," his voice rasped, continuing the same poking assault that she did to him far too often.
Shinobu groaned, obviously waking from a deep sleep since her hangover topped the other two's. Sitting up slowly, her eyes shot open, remembering why she was there to begin with. She looked over at the ravenette, "Giyuu," She took in his tired appearance. "You look like shit."
"Well, thanks, and hello to you too."
"Sabito," Shinobu turned over, reaching off the side of the bed to lightly smack Sabito on the head. "Wake up, he's awake now."
Sabito groaned, eyebrows furrowed in annoyance as he sat up, grabbing the plushie and holding it to himself, "Ever thought of just waking someone up like a normal person?" He glared at the violet and black-haired girl before looking over at his best friend, "Giyuu? Are you alright?" He know it was a redundant question, he and Shinobu both could tell that their friend wasn't alright, but they needed to hear it from him.
Giyuu expected this, especially from how he stormed off earlier without an explanation, though he normally didn't tell his friends everything that happened between him and Sanemi, there was no avoiding it now.
"I..um," He tried to find the words but was still trying to gather his thoughts, his mind still slightly muddled from the fatigue and remnants of alcohol.
"Giyuu, you don't need to tell us anything if you don't want to," Shinobu spoke up, Giyuu noticing how both of his friends looked at him in concern. He hadn't even realized the tears streaming down his eyes again, his fingers coming up to catch them. His friends were taken aback when he started laughing lightly but tearfully, uncaring that he was close to sobbing again.
"I'm such an idiot," His words finally came through, his hands flying to cover his face. "I'm so fucking stupid."
Sabito had made his way to the bed, sitting alongside Shinobu, "Giyuu, what happened?" Eyes full of genuine worry. "Did something happen with Sanemi?"
Way to hit the nail on the head though not surprising, the pair knew how emotional Giyuu used to be with the subject but that was two years ago and, even then, they had never seen him react this way.
Shinobu reached forward, placing a gentle hand resting on the other's knee for some sort of comfort, "Giyuu, please tell us what happened, we want to help."
Giyuu wiped his eyes and calmed his breathing, now looking at his friends, a pained smile adorning his face, "Do you remember anything from last night?"
Giyuu explained as much as he could to the others from what his memory recollected, everything from the pool to the stupid game to the damned kiss, every detail he could recall up until his memory went hazy and he couldn't remember anything. He could tell they wanted to chime in and congratulate them which hurt more than it should've, but he kept going, explaining what happened that morning and he could feel his heart starting to strain again. He told them word for word what both he and Sanemi said to each other as his eyes began to water again and he didn't need to look up at them to see the murder in their eyes, he could feel the resentment radiating off of them.
Once Giyuu finished speaking, they sat in silence for a moment, wanting to give them some time to process everything he just told them. Shinobu was the first one to speak up, smiling, "Hm, is that so?"
Giyuu recognized that smile too well and friendly was not the word to describe it, he recognized her intent to harm and injure, especially when it came to protecting the people she cares about, but it wasn't the time, "Shinobu, you can't kill him."
"Ah, Giyuu, I wouldn't do such a thing," She spoke lightly, a tone that could easily be mistaken for playfulness. "Almost anyone can survive castration."
"Giyuu," Sabito interrupted, knowing full well that Shinobu could be serious. "Trust me, all I can think about right now is how many different ways you can break a bone and I don't want to disregard any of your feelings because you know I wouldn't do that, but do you know why he would say something like that to begin with? From what you said about last night, it seems like everything you felt towards him was mutual, so why would he say something like that now?"
Giyuu didn't have an answer, he had been thinking the same thing that morning and he was still confused, but it almost didn't matter to him anymore.
"Didn't you say his parents stopped by before you two could even talk? Could something have happened between them while you were hiding?" Sabito questioned further.
Giyuu had thought about it, before Uzui came in, Sanemi had seemed just as shocked as him which wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but the second Uzui brought up his parents his whole demeanor changed, so maybe Sabito was right. However, none of it seemed to matter to him anymore, he was so tired of everything up til now, and he couldn't get Sanemi's words out of his head.
"I don't know, and honestly, I don't think it'll matter," Giyuu spoke tiredly, his tears had dried out by now. "I'm done, officially, I don't want to see him anymore and he knows that."
Neither Sabito nor Shinobu objected to the response knowing once Giyuu made up his mind, there was no use in trying to change it.
"He did run off," Shinobu added, her eyes meeting Giyuu's. "A minute or two after you ran out, he left to who knows where. Obanai said he would check up on him, I think he knew where he was going."
The statement didn't matter to Giyuu, nothing mattered to him anymore in regards to the other individual. He meant it when he didn't want him to speak to him anymore, he didn't even want to see him…because he knew that if he did he would just think of that stupid night and the pain that would strike his heart again when remembering how happy he felt even if it was for a moment…
And now, he wanted to forget it because he was so tired of hurting.
Days after that conversation, Giyuu was still not himself and it was to be expected. Shinobu had promised that she wouldn't try to break into her pharmaceuticals lab to 'borrow' materials for an exclusive experiment that involved a certain white-haired individual, but neither Giyuu nor Sabito could predict what she would do and they couldn't blame her, she had always been protective of her friends. Sabito was in no better mood either in regards to the subject, he was a little more civil about it, but Giyuu wouldn't be surprised if a rumor of a threat went around their friend circle that involved that same white-haired male.
Giyuu smiled at the thought of his friends and their overprotectiveness as he made his way to the couch, the blanket that was draped across his shoulders dragging on the floor as he waited for Sabito to finish grabbing the snacks for their movie night. Shinobu called a 'rain check' since she had some business to take care of at her own place which neither boy minded.
It had been nearly a week since everything that happened and although he wouldn't admit it, Giyuu was still very much in his emotions, not that anyone could blame him. Giyuu just wanted to take his mind off of everything and his friends were more than happy to oblige. His other friends didn't seem to question him in regards to anything that happened which was completely fine with him, he didn't want to relive it all again or even start worse drama. Besides, they most likely asked Sanemi what had happened and he couldn't imagine how he must've reacted.
Sabito walked over with a tray of snacks containing a variety of chips and candies, and a bottle of soda for each of them, Giyuu thanked his friend as he took the bottle before starting the movie. After a while, Giyuu's mind couldn't help but wonder; what was Sanemi doing? Did he regret anything he said to him? Did he think about the night and morning as much as Giyuu was? Did he hurt as much as Giyuu was?
"Hey," Sabito spoke up, pausing the movie as he noticed the other had begun tearing up. "Are you okay?"
Giyuu laughed to himself as he quickly wiped away any stray tears, "Sorry, I don't know why I-"
"Hey," Sabito reached over, placing a comforting hand on the other's shoulder. "Everyone's healing period is different, and no one, especially not me, will judge you for yours, so don't apologize."
Giyuu couldn't help his tearful smile, he truly was grateful for Sabito. Whispering a small 'thank you', he pulled himself together before telling him to resume the movie, both returning their gazes to the screen.
At one time, Giyuu did compare the feelings he used to have for Sabito to those he had for Sanemi, but there was no comparison; they had similar qualities but were overall two completely different people. He knew he had genuine romantic feelings for the white-haired individual that didn't equal with those he once had for his friend. Even now, he could only ever see Sabito as the brother he never had and he knew the other felt the same, and for Sanemi…well, Giyuu would like to say he's exiled all feelings he once had for him.
After the movie ended, the pair began cleaning up the living room and kitchen, Sabito speaking up through their efforts, "Hey, I'm going to visit Urokodaki this weekend, you should come," He invited, Giyuu's attention solely on him. "It can help get your mind off of things, y'know?"
It had been too long since they had last paid their "grandpa" a visit, Giyuu smiled internally at the memories that he had been through with both of them. "Yeah, that sounds good." He accepted.
Hopefully, the trip could indeed get his mind off of things.
Meanwhile…
Shinobu was busy cleaning around the house with her younger sister, Kanao. "Hey, don't forget to sweep under the floors, you know how she is about dust." Shinobu directed, Kanao following immediately. "And where did you put the flowers?"
"I put them in the fridge!" The younger girl responded as she swept the floor efficiently, Shinobu running to grab said flowers. Once the pair was finished cleaning and setting up the house, they threw themselves onto the living room couch, both sighing in relief.
'Why does she have to be such a clean freak?' Shinobu thought internally.
As if on cue, a knock on the door was suddenly heard.
"Well, she's here early," Shinobu stated, Kanao squealing as she hopped off the couch and ran to open the door.
"Sister!" Kanao exclaimed happily, jumping on the taller female in an embrace. "I missed you!"
"I've missed you too!"
"Wow, and nothing for me? After all I've done holding down the fort." Shinobu questioned teasingly, making her way off the couch to greet her older sister.
"Traveling gets me jetlagged, give me a moment to recover," The black-haired woman responded jokingly before moving to Shinobu for a hug.
"It's good to have you home, Kanae."
Sanemi always hated his father down to the core, he was a deadbeat drunk who did nothing for the family, abusing them verbally, mentally, and emotionally, especially their mother.
His mother might as well have been a single mother, she worked hard to provide for her children since their father couldn't keep a stable job. Yet through it all, she remained with him, after he would sober up he would apologize and say he would do better, and Sanemi could never understand it and how she believed him every time, but he still loved his mother and everything she did for him and his siblings.
Growing up while being the oldest of seven he knew he had to lead by example and never once minded the burden that came with it. All except for his father, he truly loved his family and would do almost anything within his power to protect them at any cost.
When Sanemi was young he never understood what it meant to like someone or how crushes worked, everything was so innocent back then to him, he didn't understand that something so harmless could come across as something so unacceptable . When he just barely entered elementary school, Sanemi had once made a close friend, Masachika, and they were near inseparable. To anyone's eyes, they were just two best friends enjoying their childhood, this was obvious to everyone,
Everyone except his father.
"He's going to grow up to be a faggot!" His father would yell at his mom, uncaring if the children heard in the other room. "I won't have you raising them thinking that queer shit is normal!"
"He's just a boy, it's innocent, leave him be," She would retort, voice shaky followed by an object hitting the wall, probably a piece of furniture or his father's fist.
Hours later when the children would be laid down to sleep, Sanemi being the last to say goodnight, he asked, "Mom," He would grab onto her shirt, a small fist holding on tightly. "I don't want you to hurt, I don't like seeing you so upset," He would plead. "Was it something I did?"
And his mother would look at him with the brightest smile she can muster, "My sweet boy," She would pull the blanket up to cover him up to his neck. "You don't need to worry about me, all of you are my world and my happiness. Your father doesn't mean the words he says,"
Lie
"But even so, you never did anything wrong, so don't worry, mom will always be here to protect you in the end."
The same routine would happen many days and nights on end, and Sanemi never understood what any of those words his father used meant at the time, all he knew was that whatever was being said upset his mother…
But he never knew how to fix it because he didn't know what he did wrong.
Masachika eventually moved away a few years later and at that same time, Sanemi came to understand what crushes were. Even so, it didn't bother him so much, it hurt more knowing he wouldn't see his best friend anymore rather than losing someone he possibly liked. He didn't bother with his feelings since he didn't quite understand them himself and it wasn't until the first year of middle school that he finally understood what it meant to actually like someone.
It was a 'Meet the Teachers' event and Sanemi's mother took him along to socialize and meet his future teacher for the upcoming year, Sanemi begrudgingly went along with her. He stood to the side letting his mother look for his assigned classroom, that's when another boy accidentally bumped into him, apparently not looking where he was going.
"Hey!" Sanemi exclaimed, clearly annoyed with the other's clumsiness and with his short-fused temper, berating the other was the only option, "Watch where you're going, you-" but the insults he had in mind never left his mouth.
Never in his small existence did he ever come across someone as pretty as the other boy; his hair was jet black and cut in a messily way but still pulled back into a low ponytail, and his eyes, which were thankfully not covered entirely by his bangs, were a deep shade of cobalt that were as clear as day. Although seemingly disinterested, the boy was obviously flustered from his own clumsiness as his cheeks were dusted with a faint pink.
"Ah, excuse me, I apologize," The newcomer might as well have muttered.
Sanemi was too caught up in his mind about how cute the other looked that he almost forgot to respond, "N-no, it's fine," The white-haired boy looked away in a poor attempt to hide his flushed state.
'What the hell is this?' He thought to himself, trying to calm his suddenly racing heartbeat. He barely had one look at the other boy and he already had this effect on him.
"What's your name?"
Sanemi didn't expect him to be so straightforward after he almost lashed out against him, but maybe this kid was oblivious to certain situations.
"Oh, uh, Sanemi," He responded, this time actually turning to face the inky-haired boy, the blush tainting his cheeks calming down but still somewhat apparent. "Sanemi Shinazugawa." Bless him for not stuttering, "And you?"
"I-I'm G-"
"Giyuu Tomioka!" A new voice resonated, catching almost everyone at the entrance's attention. The voice came from a peach-haired boy that came up marching up to the aforementioned, "I told you not to run off, my mom is looking for us and we're gonna be late at meeting our new teacher. C'mon!"
He immediately tugged the other boy along, Sanemi completely forgotten, but not before the jet black-haired boy could turn and look at the other, mouthing a 'sorry' before being pulled out of sight.
'Giyuu Tomioka,' Sanemi repeated the name to himself as his heart finally calmed back down to a normal rate. 'I wonder if this is what it means to…'
Sanemi would never admit it but he did end up returning to the board where his mom finally found his name and assigned room, not wanting to leave before he could locate another specific name, feeling completely defeated the second he saw they wouldn't be in the same classroom. Although Sanemi would see the other boy every day at school and admire him from afar, it would take until the beginning of their final year in middle school for him to finally be put in the same class as Giyuu, but by then the black-haired boy had completely forgotten about him and their first interaction, it didn't help that Sanemi's appearance had changed as well, scars now adorning his face, the ones lingering on his body hidden by his uniform.
However, the setback of Giyuu forgetting their first meeting wouldn't stop them from talking and slowly becoming friends, and with Giyuu eventually joining their friend group via Shinobu in high school, a part of him felt like it was the perfect setup,
But by then he had already seen a pattern, correlating between his home and school life…
And the truth was…
Sanemi learned early on that any sort of interaction he had with a boy, specifically Masachika and especially Giyuu, would line up with an argument at his home; it didn't take him long to put the pieces together and ultimately come to a conclusion on what he felt he had to do.
For Sanemi, he would give anything to see his mother and siblings be happy, he didn't want anyone to be hurt, even if it meant repressing his own feelings.
During his time in middle school, he tried his hardest not to think about the raven-haired boy whom he only had one interaction with. He would beat it into his brain that it was the barest of moments, that it was nothing but infatuation, but even then he couldn't help but admire the other boy. He was the smartest kid in their grade, he was quiet but still outspoken when it came to his close friends, and, sue him, but he was the cutest boy Sanemi had ever seen.
His growing resentment along with his short-fused temper only fueled his frustrations, which would eventually lead to fights and eventual scarring. He never told his mother that the new scars he would return home with were a result of his growing resentment toward his whole situation nor the fact that the fights would start because some asshole decided to talk shit about a boy he cared for and had only personally met once.
When it finally came to their final year and getting assigned to the same class, a part of Sanemi felt ecstatic beyond belief but said happiness was torn the second he realized Giyuu didn't remember him. A part of him told him it was for the best, anything that remotely came close to something that 'wasn't right' in terms of his father's eyes could come back to his mother.
But the other part of him, the part that felt his heart flutter every time Giyuu looked at him, or made him want to stutter when he would talk to him…it made it more difficult.
When high school came, it only got worse; with every 'instance' that happened at school, it was never enough to appease the arguments waiting at home.
Nothing was ever enough…
Sanemi's frustrations eventually led to reprimands he'd invoke on his friends, and especially, though absentmindedly, Giyuu, which he would instantly regret afterward. Though he knew what he shouldn't do, he couldn't help himself sometimes, if there was even the smallest of inklings of happiness he could have, he would take it.
He wanted to be close to the ravenette, wanted to go out of his way for him, he wanted to do so much for him, and every time he did he would hate himself afterward because…what would his mother think? How would she feel knowing her son was doing things that would eventually lead to her pain?
For him, it was wrong, not because it felt wrong, but because it would hurt his mother as a result.
But…even for such an innocent yet seemingly unforgivable sin, it made him feel blissful, even for just a moment. He wanted to push as far as he could because he knows he couldn't get to the furthest point he wanted, but with every push came the shove, not towards him, but towards the people he cared for the most.
He used to think what he did in high school would be his biggest regret, that is until…
"Whatever the fuck that was last night, whatever the hell I said or did, it meant nothing, okay?!"
'What am I saying?'
"To think that even for a moment I actually believed you meant everything you said…"
'Wait,'
"So if you want to disregard my feelings like trash and pretend like nothing ever fucking happened…then, by all means, go fuck yourself and don't ever speak to me again."
'Why did I say all that?'
'Why am I hurting him?'
Sanemi stood there in shock as he watched Giyuu leave his room, he could hear the voices of their friends downstairs attempting to call Giyuu before hearing the front door open and slam harshly. He felt like he was underwater, his mind felt adrift and muddled, like it couldn't comprehend what just happened.
'Why did I say all those things?' He repeated to himself.
As if everything snapped into place, almost like a puzzle that depicted something he didn't want to accept. He pulled at his hair in a painful, yet frustrated grip, trying his hardest not to hold back tears that threatened to spill at the recollection of his own words in combination with the memories of the night before.
Yes, he remembered the night before, and he truly didn't think it was possible to attain such happiness in a singular moment. The thought had crossed his mind that Giyuu must've felt the same way he felt towards him, but he always pushed those thoughts away because he knew it was something he shouldn't attain for the sake of others.
God, he had never felt so peaceful and secure as how he did last night with Giyuu, it felt like everything fell perfectly into place all at once, like he and the other were in their own personal bubble where it was just them two and nothing from the outside could hurt them.
But, in the end, he did…he hurt Giyuu…and it was something he couldn't accept nor forgive himself for.
At the same time, all he could think about was her, he just wanted to protect her as much as he could…
Even if it cost him his own happiness.
Sanemi changed into his typical gym clothes and bolted out of the room, his friend's voices calling out to him but going one ear out the other.
"Sanemi, you good? We could actu-" Uzui attempted to call out to him, but all watched as the white-haired male paid no mind to them and leave the house, slamming the door aggressively on his way out.
"Well, that was unexpected," Rengoku stated, sipping over a coffee he had no business drinking.
Uzui made a sound of acknowledgment as he rested his arm over the other's shoulder, Rengoku's blush apparent, "We're probably going to need to get the door checked."
"Both him and Giyuu left in a rush," Mitsuri added, worried, as she held a trashbag of used red cups she had been picking up. "I wonder if something happened."
Sabito and Shinobu gave each other a knowing look while Uzui kept his mouth shut about what he saw earlier, knowing it wasn't his place to bring it up since it was obvious the pair involved weren't in the best place.
"I'll check up on him in a bit," Obanai mumbled, Kaburamaru resting comfortably around his shoulders. "He's probably in one of his bitter moods, best not try to talk to him immediately."
Aggression was the only way Sanemi knew how to cope, it was something he hated about himself since he knew he got it from his father, and the scars he had proved it. When he was young and frustrated with not only himself but the situations he always found himself in, he would fight and most of the time he didn't come out unscathed, and it wasn't until he was older when he found somewhat better ways to cope.
Hit
Sanemi took his resentment and frustration out at the gym, specifically on the punching bags in the smaller studios. He was thankful there was no one in that specific part of the building, he was in no state to deal with people complaining.
Jab
He just kept hitting, uncaring about his form, wanting to drive all of his frustrations into every punch, but his mind couldn't help but wander…
'My name's Giyuu Tomioka'
Kick
'He's going to grow up to be a faggot and it'll be your fault!'
'He's just a boy, leave him be!'
Punch
'Well, thank you, you probably scared him more than I could,'
Jab
'You're Sanemi Shinazugawa…and you're the one who continues to confuse me and my feelings,'
'You're Giyuu Tomioka…and the one who's been driving me crazy for years,'
Kick
'You need to leave'
"Nemi?"
'Yes, I fucking remember and it was a fucking mistake!'
'To think that even for a moment I actually believed you meant everything you said, maybe I am just as stupid as you said,'
"Nemi!"
Please, I don't know what I'm saying…
'Never speak to me again,'
Please don't leave…
"Sanemi!"
The man was pulled out of his thoughts when a familiar hand landed on his arm, stopping his movements. Eyes nearly dilated, he looked up meeting his younger brother's concerned gaze, "'Nemi, your hands,"
They both looked down, Sanemi's eyes widening at his bloodied, skin-torn knuckles, the delayed tingling yet numbing sensation hitting his fingers immediately, "Ah, I guess," He mumbled almost with no concern. "I forgot to wrap them before I came in."
The pair sat in the middle of the studio with the younger boy wrapping his older brother's hands. Genya had run to one of the gym employees in search of some bandages, trying to remain calm but ever so worried for his older brother. Sanemi watched as the other wrapped his hands with extreme care, he could tell his brother wanted to reprimand him but could also see the hesitancy in his eyes.
"I know you want to say something," Sanemi broke the silence. "Just say it."
Genya sighed as he finished wrapping both hands, "'Nemi, you know I can tell when something's wrong, right?" Sanemi looked away, pulling his hand from his brother in clear annoyance, hating how transparent he was even though it was obvious. "I've never seen you that angry before, and you always remember to wrap your hands before going to the punching bag. Something must've been on your mind to forget that and especially to the point where you didn't feel that you were tearing skin and bleeding."
Sanemi looked down at his bandaged hands, sometimes he hated how observant Genya was when it came to him, coming to the most accurate conclusions from just an image, though he believes it to be normal since he was the second oldest. "It's nothing," Sanemi responded, clearly wanting to drop the subject as he aimed to get up.
God, he hated that word now…'nothing' …
"'Nemi, you were crying," Genya claimed, Sanemi's eyes widening at the statement before sharply turning towards his brother.
"I said it was nothing, okay?" He spoke back sharply, that word leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. Sanemi hadn't realized he was crying earlier nor did he want to acknowledge the fact that he was. To him, he had no reason to cry, he was the one that hurt Giyuu so what right did he have to cry? He didn't deserve the right to cry for what he did…
"Sanemi," His brother consoled. "You don't need to be strong all the time, it's okay to feel your emotions," He continued comfortingly. "Please don't hold it in, it will only make things worse. You can lean on mom and me anytime."
Sanemi's eyes widened at the thought of his mother, he sighed, his back turned towards his brother as he made his way towards the exit of the studio, "I'm fine, Genya," He murmured, fists clenched to hide the fact he was near shaking. "There's nothing wrong, don't worry about me."
Sanemi wouldn't acknowledge that his eyes began to water again the second he left the building.
How could he? He felt he truly didn't deserve to feel what he felt, he didn't have the right to hurt or cry when he was the one who said those things to Giyuu. He didn't deserve to cry when he was the one who hurt the person he loves .
'You did this to yourself,'
'You're the one who treaded too closely,'
'You don't deserve him,'
'Every time you push further, you're hurting her, and now you've hurt him too,'
'I just wanted to protect her…but why can't I be happy too?'