Chapter 70: Her Mindscape
I found a quiet place within Roygun's cherry-laden front yard and sat down cross-legged, making myself comfortable against the lush grass enhanced by Martha's Ki.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, focusing until I could hear the metaphorical switch in my head flip.
"It's about time you reached out to me of your own volition."
I opened them to the sight of my familiar, leafy world, graced with the presence of the heaven-piercing tree that towered over everything beneath its branches and leaves.
"Aw, it sounds like someone felt lonely." I teased.
Like me, my dragon had a cluster of black veins infecting the right side of his face, the spread was gradual, but noticeable enough.
Hm, I guess it does look unpleasant, but I can hardly feel a thing. And judging from my dragon's lack of urgency, my hunch about this not being anything life-threatening appears to have been right after all.
He simply rolled his eyes with a stark lack of amusement.
"So," I continued, walking right up to him. "Any ideas?"
"If by 'ideas', you're referring to a way to expel your mother's Demonic Ki. Then you should already know that I have nothing to offer you," he sighed. "What you know, I know, what you don't, I don't either."
"That may be true, but you're able to interpret things differently than me." I leaned against the tree, shooting him a knowing smile. "We both heard Halibel's explanation. Surely you've managed to whip up something in that bashful little noggin' of yours?"
He let out another sigh, only deeper, and shook his head.
"Even if I came up with a hypothetical solution, there's no way you'd be able to execute it. You're a mere Ultimate-Class Devil, your mother already has one foot in Super-Class."
"How could someone like you possibly resist her Ki? Let alone a form of it you've never conjured nor studied? Get your head out of the clouds."
I exhaled, wearing a slight frown.
"Is there really nothing we can do?"
It's clear this Demonic Ki isn't an immediate threat, and even though it's spreading fairly slowly—that doesn't change the fact that it is spreading.
Eventually, I won't be able to treat this as a mere object of curiosity. It'll become a disease a million times more dangerous than Youki, as Halibel so eloquently put it.
"How dense can you be?" He facepalmed. "You've already established that the purpose of her injecting you with Demonic Ki wasn't to kill you, so rather than thinking about how to get rid of it, shouldn't you be pondering over what said purpose is?"
I pressed my lips together.
"I presumed getting rid of it was the test in and of itself."
Isn't this punishment for 'offending her' with the whole Rias debacle?
Limiting the spread of the Demonic Ki gives me a chance to look for a cure before it inevitably puts me six feet under, allowing me to save myself rather than ending me outright.
"Or," he said with emphasis. "She wants you to find a way to learn how to use Demonic Ki for yourself. Didn't Halibel say the number of Demonic Ki practitioners experienced a drastic decline? If you're ever going to have an opportunity to experience Demonic Ki, it'd be through her."
I let out an inquisitive hum, not entirely convinced by his explanation.
"But why? My Senjutsu proficiency hasn't really undergone any drastic improvements. If she wanted Demonic Ki to be part of the curriculum, wouldn't she have done so earlier?"
Martha rarely, if ever, does anything just for the hell of it. Her motives are always frustratingly hard to grasp, but they exist nonetheless.
He scoffed.
"I wonder, why would the woman looking to become a Super Devil through the path of demonic apotheosis want her flesh and blood to wield Demonic Ki? A real mystery, don't you think?"
My eyes widened in disbelief.
"Bullshit, there's no way she expects me to be her pathfinder. I'm not even Satan-Class, if she can't figure it out, there's no way I can. Especially at my level."
"What is it with you failing to piece together what you already know?" He clicked his tongue. "You're her flesh and blood, but it took two to make you, didn't it?"
I stood in puzzled silence for a few seconds.
And then, it clicked.
"Dragonification? She wants to see how my hypothetical Demonic Ki would interact with it?"
"I think it's the most likely theory," he nodded his approval. "Think about it, the progression of your Dragonification is basically the perfect parallel to the 'demonic path' Halibel described, isn't it?"
"It seems like your mother's struggling to come up with a solution to facilitate her advancement with her current understanding of Demonic Ki, therefore, she's decided to use you as a means of inspiration."
He chuckled dryly.
"To be frank, I think she probably planned on putting Demonic Ki in you regardless of whether you pissed her off or not." He put on an amused smile. "Honestly, I'm connected to your mindscape, and even I fail to understand what you see in that woman."
Like a wrinkled tissue, my face scrunched up with discomfort.
"Please don't word it like that—ever."
"Oh? Now who's getting all bashful?" His smile widened briefly before he opted for a more placid, introspective demeanor. "That said, someone like her would probably be a good match for you. Much better than the two you're currently humoring yourself with."
An awkward silence fell between us, so much so that even the faintest rustling on the leaf-riddled floor was audible.
"It's a shame she's your mother, although, the Underworld doesn't really mind that kind of stuff, does it? It'd only be a problem for the transmigrated part of you."
I performed a slow blink, attempting to wrap my head around the incomprehensible, nonsensical, totally out of pocket words that were exiting his mouth.
"Hm?" He looked at me, as if he was only just realizing how insane what he had just said was. "Oh, you probably won't share that perspective until you've understood yourself a little better. Hah. Guess I shouldn't have let that slip out, my bad."
He sheepishly scratched his nape, redirecting his attention to the tree.
"Anywho, forget I said all that. Let's focus on how you're going to approach Demonic Ki, shall we?"
I took a deep—deep breath. Clenching my fists as I shot him a death stare that surpassed even the one Martha had just given me.
Where did he get the nerve to say all that? I know damn well it didn't come from me.
More importantly, why would he even say something so unfathomably ludicrous in the first place?
Did his IQ experience an abrupt drop of 100 points?
Did my mindscape just glitch?
Seriously, what the fuck?
"For your sake, I'm going to pretend everything you just said was in jest..." I scowled, warning him to keep close watch over his tongue from now on.
There's interpreting things differently, and then there's whatever the hell that just was.
"Mm, of course." He folded his hands behind his back. "Now then, on the topic of Demonic Ki, you have two options. One is to either expel it from your system or, as I suggested, to learn how to use it for yourself. Even if it's all part of your mother's scheme, it'd be pretty nifty to know how to wield it if you ask me."
"Hold on," I raised my hand. "Didn't we just establish that expelling it wasn't possible?"
"No, we established that you aren't capable of expelling it." He gestured towards the tree. "But she should be able to do it no problemo."
Once again, I was filled with confusion, albeit the non-malicious kind.
"She?"
"What? Don't tell me you honestly believed an existence this grand was nothing more than a convenient piece of scenery?"
"On the contrary, that's precisely what I thought it was..."
To me, this tree was simply a mental representation of my Sallos blood. The representation of my Buné side being the creature talking to me right at this very instance.
"You mean to tell me this thing's alive?!" I marveled at the tree all the way from its base to its indecipherable peak, my emotions mixed between astonishment and lingering fear of the unknown. "Shouldn't you have said something sooner?!"
"Why bother? She wasn't awake back then. She's only just started to wake up now that you're progressing through Ultimate-Class, she's still an extremely long way from fully emerging out of her slumber."
I pinched my nosebridge, frustrated with how casually he was revealing this to me.
"Hold on just a second… if "she" isn't just an accessory to my mindscape. Then what exactly is she supposed to be? Also, why are you even referring to it as "she" in the first place?"
"To answer your first question, I'm not entirely sure. I just know what she allows me to know. If you like, you can think of her as the true master of this mindscape. Her authority supersedes both yours and mine... for now at least."
Yeah. Uh-huh. It's totally not immensely disturbing to find out that you're not the true master of your own mind. Mhm, not at all.
"That doesn't scare you?"
He laughed heartily.
"Oh, believe me, it's absolutely horrifying, but I decided it was best to simply accept the reality of the situation. She could purge me from your mind with a mere thought, but as long as I don't step out of line, she won't do that. So I'll just do as I'm told."
He tried to act casual about it, but I noticed the slight shakes and twitches in his appendages.
"Don't worry though, I'm the only one she has under martial surveillance. Her feelings towards you are the complete opposite."
At that moment, I felt a lightbulb of inspiration light up in my head.
"Does this have anything to do with that 'child of the moon' stuff you love to blab about?"
His silence was answer enough.
It seems she's the reason he's not allowed to tell me anything.
If she dictates what he can and can't say, then maybe I ought to take his description with a grain of salt. There's a good chance she's using him as a medium to skew my thoughts, for all I know, she could just be some unwelcome parasite.
Thwack!
Out of the blue, a root lifted from the ground and smacked me across the back of my head.
"Buddy, if I can read your thoughts. Then so can she." He said with an undertone of second-hand embarrassment.
Right, I probably should've thought about that...
"As for your second question, she simply told me to refer to her that way."
"I see," I paused. "Why does she only talk to you? How come I haven't heard anything?"
"Good question," he flicked his brows, looking at her and falling silent, as if he was listening to something. "It seems you're too weak to hear her voice yet, and until she's recovered more of her strength, she won't be able to regulate it for you."
Seriously? Her voice alone is capable of hurting me?
Sounds like something straight out of Lovecraftian horror.
"But you can handle it?"
"I'm not flesh and blood, am I?" He shrugged. "The rules I operate by aren't the same as yours."
Fair enough.
"Can she really eradicate Martha's Demonic Ki from me?"
"Yup, that's what she told me."
If he, or rather, she's telling the truth—then it's amazing news to know that the infectious Ki isn't anything to worry about.
However, I shouldn't be hasty. I know this is all part of Martha's plan, but I think my dragon's right about Demonic Ki being a useful tool for me to have. So what if she intends to use me as an observation project? No harm, no foul.
If I can use this Demonic Ki as a learning guide like she wants me to, then shouldn't I take advantage of the opportunity?
"How long do I have before the Demonic Ki becomes lethal?"
He hummed. "I'd say you have about a month before it kills you."
Damn, that's faster than I thought it'd be.
Knowing me, I doubt that's enough time for me to grasp something that difficult. Although Martha's definitely aware of that timeframe as well, isn't she? Maybe there's a chance I can figure it out in that time.
"If you want, she can suppress it for you instead of eradicating it. With her help, she can extend that timeframe to at least three months before your body gives in."
My eyes shone with a hopeful glint.
"That would be excellent."
Next month, I'll be heading over to the West Youkai Faction to handle my negotiating responsibilities as Vice Minister of Foreign Affairs. If there's anyone I can get some extra insight about Demonic Ki from besides Martha, it'd be those Yōkai.
Again, he glanced at "her" before looking back at me.
"Consider it done."
I blinked, carefully examining my body with expectancy.
"I don't feel any different?"
"Why would you? You barely felt anything from the Demonic Ki in the first place, and now that its progression has been slowed even further, it'll take longer for the effects to settle in. Assuming you don't figure out how to tame it beforehand."
"I see," I hummed. "Speaking of which, do you have any suggestions about how I should learn to wield Demonic Ki?"
Halibel did explain that it had something to do with consuming 'negativity', but that description's a little bit too vague to do anything actionable with.
Maybe I should try channeling Martha's Demonic Ki in microscopic, incremental amounts? This Demonic Ki is a product of the 'negativity' she consumed, isn't it? I'm not entirely sure, but there might be a chance that's precisely what she expects me to do.
"For starters, I'd advise against doing what you're thinking of doing. Your mother's Demonic Ki is way too much for you to handle right now. Even if you only process a microscopic amount of it, you'll be completely overwhelmed by the malice that woman's learned to wield."
"Then?" I frowned, confident that my hypothesis was on the money.
"Take a step back. Instead of recklessly letting it merge with your lifeforce, admire it from a distance—and study its essence." He smiled. "Her meditation lessons weren't for nothing, were they?"
"I can do that?"
"Why not? When you circulate your Ki through meditation, you transform your vision to a state where you're able to see the flow of your own meridians, and once you're able to perceive them, you're able to allow your Ki to move in an even more controlled manner than usual."
Naturally, the downside was that you couldn't do anything else while immersed in such a deep state of introspection. You'd need two brains to make that possible.
"You're doing the same here, the only difference is we're eliminating 'moving' the Ki out of the equation. All you have to do is focus on your perception."
I replied with a slow, analytical nod.
That possibility seems a lot more likely than the one I came up with regarding Martha's intentions.
"Thanks."
He waved me off. "Anytime."
I turned to "her", and without saying anything, performed a respectful bow.
I truly don't know if she's on my side or not, but that won't change the fact that she's here, nor the fact that she just helped me out—even if she ends up becoming my adversary, I think it's only right that I express my gratitude.
No point biting the hand that feeds me until I know whose arm it's attached to.
///
Once Alduin had departed from his mindscape, only his dragon and "her" remained.
His dragon sighed, looking up at the heaven-piercing tree in all "her" majesty.
"Are you sure about this? Don't you think it's a little early for our beloved hatchling to spread his wings?"
…
"True, I can't really do anything with the infuriating bag of bones still wondering where I've gone." He tapped his lower lip. "Maybe it's for the best that we help him advance as quickly as possible, even if we have to rush a few things here and there."
…
"Yeah, by the time he's strong enough, we should be able to fill in any missing gaps in his foundation."
…
"Hm? Oh, that little slip earlier?"
He chuckled.
"Yeah, that was my bad," his expression turned coy. "But let's not pretend like you aren't of the same opinion."
///
I explained what was going on to Roygun and Thora, telling them about everything except "her".
There's no use in instilling them with needless anxiety when even I don't know whether or not she's an existence to fear, let alone know what she's even supposed to be.
I simply explained that I had found a 'way' to increase the amount of time I have to figure out how to deal with the Demonic Ki. A flimsy explanation that I'm able to get away with, thanks to me being the only Senjutsu practitioner here.
Honestly, I think the main reason they're worried is that these veins are still crawling all over the side of my face.
I could hide it from them if I wanted with Partial Hypnosis, but since that ability's extremely taxing on my stamina—it's just not feasible nor practical.
Maybe I should invest in some makeup?
After talking with them, I returned to the spot of tranquility I had picked out and assumed the lotus position.
I closed my eyes, focusing on my breathing until it maintained an even, calm rhythm and gradually emptied my mind, tossing aside all my concerns save for those regarding Demonic Ki.
'Remember, look but don't touch.'
My vision began to shift from pitch-blackness to a series of vein-shaped pathways, each of which were positioned like an anatomic diagram, chock-full of the abundant lifeforce that stemmed from my devil physiology, draconic energy, and mastery of Senjutsu.
These ethereal vessels were my meridians.
'Now then, where did that dear mother of mine place her Demonic Ki?'
I honed my focus, strengthening my desire to see the corruptive Ki rather than that of my own.
My vision shifted once more, turning away from my meridians and showing me a space that felt completely foreign to me—despite it existing within my own being.
The space felt cold. Terribly cold. The complete opposite of the warmth the Ki stored in my meridians produced. Even in my deep state of meditation, I could feel my body begin to violently quake and shiver.
'Not good, if this keeps up, I won't be able to focus.'
While entranced, I channeled fire through my body to warm myself up. A feat that required hardly any concentration thanks to my draconic constitution.
'Is that it?'
From the distance, I picked up on a sound that seemed reminiscent of howling… but once the noise became more defined, I quickly realized that wasn't the case.
"Why…!? Why…!? Why…!?"
It sounded more like screaming.
Pained screaming that grew louder and louder with each passing second, to the point where I felt like my eardrums were on the brink of rupturing.
But I remained firm, holding onto my concentration with desperate determination. I came here with an objective, and I won't stop until I see it through.
"Why us…?! Why us…?! Why us…?!"
I couldn't even begin to decipher how many voices were conjoined in harmonious agony, but once I got close enough, I could tell that their screams weren't directed at me. I wasn't the object of the rage, anguish, and resentment they were regurgitating.
"You…! You…! You…!"
It was hard to make out, but a shape was slowly coming into view.
No… perhaps it'd be inaccurate to refer to it as a 'shape', it was more like a writhing 'mass' woven from thousands upon thousands of thick black strands.
Instinctually, I realized this was what was attracting the ire of the countless deafening voices.
It was also the source of the toe-biting cold I was feeling.
"You took it…! You took it…! You took it…! You took it…! You took it…!"
This was…
"Give it back…! Give it back…! Give it back…! Give it back…! Give it back…!"
...Martha's Demonic Ki.
Even though I didn't have a body in this state, I felt an eerie shiver crawl down my spine with each, individual, scream.
I didn't know why, but I was more afraid of the voices than I was of the black mass, even though they didn't seem to bear me any ill will, let alone notice my presence.
"Unworthy…! Unworthy…! Unworthy…! Unworthy…! Unworthy…!"
It was as if my Ki was telling me something my brain simply could not.
'Stay calm, as long as I stick to nothing but perception, I'll be fine.' I reminded myself.
At this rate, my state of meditation's bound to break, but I'll still do whatever I can to hang on for as long as possible. The more I'm able to perceive, the better.
Besides, it's not like the Demonic Ki's going to be disappearing anytime soon. I'll always have another opportunity, preferably one where I'll be more prepared.
I might as well think of this as a form of mental tempering.
"Traitor…! Traitor…! Traitor…! Traitor…! Traitor…!"
Around the black mass, gray, semi-translucent hands started to pop out of the dark nothingness, numbering in the tens of thousands within a matter of seconds.
They clawed at the writhing mass with fervor, doing everything in their power to try to break through its exterior—but it was to no avail. They hardly even seemed capable of scratching its thread-like composition.
"Thief…! Thief…! Thief…! Thief…! Thief…!"
But the hands didn't care, even if it was futile, as long as they could express their rage towards the writhing mass, they would continue to do so with their seemingly bottomless supply of resentment.
Honestly, I'm not sure they're capable of doing anything else, even if they wanted to.
[So what?]
Taken aback, I listened to a voice that was directly transmitting itself into my mind.
It seemed like that of a young girl, and although I wasn't entirely sure… it somewhat sounded like a slightly higher-pitched Martha.
[So what if I took it? It was wasted on you anyway.]
The mass unfolded, and from within, an endless slew of dark threads shot out—piercing through the uncountable hoard of clawing hands.
In an instant, the rage-fueled choir had been silenced.
Yet, my state of mind didn't seem to improve at all. On the contrary, it was becoming even harder to keep hold of my meditative state, mere seconds remaining before it completely broke.
[Pathetic, aren't they?]
My face whitened with horror.
Within the span of a blink, a figure was standing right in front of me.
It was outlined entirely by the same black threads I had just seen shoot out in all directions, and possessed no discernible features.
'Impossible… I made sure not to interact with anything! How did it spot me?!'
[The resentment you just heard originally belonged to a mere handful, but as with the nature of Demonic Ki, whoever's resentment bears the strongest personal inclination towards you will spread to all that you consume.]
I couldn't muster a response, the figure's very presence had a vice grip on my throat.
[But as long as your will is strong enough, their cries will be nothing more than that. A desperate expression of spite.]
A low, sinister chuckle escaped its breath.
[In less than a decade, I was already able to deflect it subconsciously, and a few years after that, it was like they weren't even there to begin with.]
[Granted, this is me we're talking about. Intelligence aside, you're far too young to possess a will that possesses even a fraction of the strength of mine. But I'm sure you'll get there eventually, you have both my blood and guidance after all.]
I had no body in this state, but the feeling was still suffocating.
'That son of a bitch lied to me! 'Just perception' my ass! Even looking at this thing is deadly! I can feel it!'
[Hm… it doesn't seem like you can hold on for much longer. Very well, we'll speak again when you're ready.]
To my immense relief, my meditative state finally broke, freeing me from that frigid, haunting wasteland and returning me to my spot under one of Roygun's cherry blossoms.
'What in Lilith's name… did I just witness?'
///
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