'Wait, isn't they...'
[Yeah, it's the X-Men.]
'Wow, didn't expect to meet mutants this early... Should I ask for an autograph?'
[Are you high or what?]
I look at the three mutants standing next to me:
The guy in the Ushanka hat, the ponytail girl, and the tomboy.
If this were an anime, they'd be Stand users. But this is America—at worst, the Ushanka guy might just get a few dirty looks.
"Huhhh..." Gwen beside me keeps staring at the Ushanka dude.
"What's up?"
"...Nothing. He just gives off the same vibe as the first villain in this fanfic, but... also not?"
"What do you mean?"
"Eh, forget it. If they try anything, I'll just throw one punch and it's over!" Gwen rubs her nose, puffing up with pride.
"Wow... Gwen forever OP..." I mutter half-heartedly while watching Harry down below.
"Uohhh!!!" Harry drives a fist straight into the wrestler's gut, doubling him over in pain.
"Rider Kick!" Harry leaps, flips once, and lands a kick square in the guy's mouth.
"Agh!!" The wrestler tumbles into the water. Harry looks ahead.
"C-c'mon... Huhhh... Huhh... Just five more challenges!"
Harry staggers forward, sweating so hard he's practically steaming.
"CONTESTANT #666 HAS REACHED CHALLENGE #96!! FROM HERE ON OUT, IT'S NOTHING BUT FISTFIGHTS! THE ENEMIES ARE EXTREMELY STRONG—STAY SHARP!"
"...Should've saved some stamina."
He steps forward and scans the area.
No one.
"...Huh, weird—"
A punch slams into his cheek, forcing him back a few steps.
"Uh..." He clutches his face and looks for his attacker.
Nothing.
"Ahhh... I get it. That kind of enemy. Fuck." Harry's face twists in annoyance.
"Who hit him?" Emma asks the group, confused.
No one answers. We just watch.
"Hey! Who hit him? I'm asking!"
"..."
"...Dude, did you all forget about me already?"
Harry backs up. His ears twitch—he drops to one knee.
A gust of wind whips past; the invisible foe just threw a horizontal punch.
"Damn it! I'm trying to track movement with my ears, and I still can't see this bastard!!" Harry dodges another strike, then locks arms with the unseen enemy and yanks hard.
"Ouch." A voice. Now he knows where the head is.
"RIGHT HERE!" Harry stomps down hard.
Miss.
"Pfft." The invisible guy snickers.
"YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?! I'LL MAKE YOU FLY!"
Harry spins the invisible body like a tornado and hurls it into a pillar.
*BONK!*
"Haha! How's that?!" Harry grins toward the impact.
Slowly, a long streak of blood appears on the pillar.
"..."
Harry bolts to the next challenge.
"97!"
He steps up. His opponent... is an old lady in a wheelchair.
"...You're kidding—"
BANG!!
A bullet grazes his cheek.
"..." He touches the blood, then stares at the grandma fingering a sniper rifle.
"Kids these days have no patience." She somehow pulls out two Uzis.
"OI OI! WHO BRINGS GUNS TO A FISTFIGHT?!"
"Too much talk."
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!!!
The Uzis unload. Harry sprints for his life.
"You can't run forever, young man!" the grandma shouts, still firing.
Click click.
"Tch, out of ammo. Reload!"
"Yes, ma'am." Someone hands her a fresh magazine.
"Ah, thank you, dear. Without you I'd—"
It's Harry. He's been the loader this whole time.
"Bye, grandma. Next time, fight lions instead of using guns."
"You—"
"Oops~" Harry kicks hard. The old lady flies into the water.
He glances at her weapon stash and spots a shotgun inside.
"Jackpot!"
"Alright, just three more challenges. Almost there—come on, Harry, you got this!!" Harry mutters to himself and presses on.
Right in front of him... a kid?
"HERE WE GO! IT'S KILLER BABY! LET'S SEE WHAT CONTESTANT #666 DOES WITH THIS LITTLE ONE!!"
"..."
Harry watches the boy toddle toward him, clutching a steak knife, grinning more innocently than ever.
"..."
Harry steps forward and punts the baby away.
"WOA! WAHHHHHHH!"
The crying infant splashes into the water... and gets chomped by an alligator.
The entire stadium falls dead silent.
Then erupts.
"Dude! He just kicked the baby!"
"He murdered a minor! That's brutal!"
"You need to leave!"
Boos and curses rain down. Up with the mutants and Peter's group, everyone's stunned.
"Ummm... Lee? I don't think you should crush on that guy. He just drop-kicked a kid—why are you nosebleeding again?" Kitty tries, but it's pointless.
"That's hot."
"That's fucking not," Bobby cuts in.
Down with Peter's crew:
"He just killed the child," Emma points.
"Yeah, he killed the child. What's the problem?" Gwen asks.
"...A child."
"It had a knife... And my mom told me to be careful around strangers—even kids," Peter says, dead serious.
"You have a mom?"
"I hate you."
Below, Harry keeps moving, reloading the shotgun.
"Almost done. I'll rip and tear through anything in my way!"
Challenge #99. In front of him...
"JEFF! THIS IS THE FINAL OBSTACLE TO TEST CONTESTANT 666! DO IT, JEFF!"
Jeff pulls out a knife, slices his own cheek, blood streaming down.
"??"
Then he grins, pulls up his hood.
"Jeff da killer!!" he screams like a maniac.
"Whoa. Your face is that messed up, and somehow deranged girls still write fanfics shipping you with their OCs? This world is weird."
"NO SLEEP? NO SLEEP? NO SLEEP? JEFF THE KILLER KILLER KILLER, GO TO GO TO GO TO SLEEP, DONT SLEEP DONT SLEEP DONT SLEEP MDOSMDLWNFLOWNEEKKX"
"What the FUCK is wrong with you?"
"JEEFFFFFFF!!!" He charges, slashing wildly.
BANG
Harry blasts the shotgun. Jeff explodes into chunks and dies on the spot.
"...Hope I don't go to jail for this." Harry moves on.
The final challenge. Freedom from this hell-show.
He steps up. A man dressed head-to-toe in Japanese style turns around.
"So... you've finally made it..."
Harry instantly recognizes him.
"SON OF A BITCH, IT'S YOU! THE HOST!!"
The guy's in full Naruto cosplay, forehead protector with a dick symbol on it.
"I'm a chuchuruku. I've suffered with the wolf inside me, always tempting me to diddle kids."
"...Huh?"
"So to fight it, I needed a successor. That's why this show exists—to pass the wolf on."
He locks eyes with Harry.
"You exceeded every expectation. Just let me transfer the wolf inside me! I'll be free to chase femboys without jail time! GAHAHAHA!"
He cackles, then drops into a fighting stance.
"Now... take this! Diddygan!!!!"
He charges, a glowing orb of baby oil in his hand.
"DATTEBAYO!!!!"
BANG
"OUGHHHHHH!!!!" The host collapses, writhing in agony.
"You done? I wanna see my Latina." Harry pumps the shotgun.
"You... How are you this strong...? Wait—could it be...?! You're the chosen one?!"
"Chosen one my ass! I have a shotgun!"
"Fine, chosen one! You beat me. You freed me by making me submit completely."
"I told you, it's the shotgun, you idiot!!"
The host gasps, dying.
"Before I go... one last wish..."
"...?"
"Please... please... cosplay as a femboy... let me see before I die!"
"YOU'RE DYING AND STILL ASKING FOR THAT?! JUST DIE ALREADY!!"
"Huhh... Huhh...! I sense a femboy nearby! Up in the stands!!"
He turns and stares.
Harry follows the gaze—
Wait, he's looking at Peter? Peter doesn't even look like a femboy anymore; he's pretty masculine.
"Call... call your friend... have him cosplay as a femboy... I promise... I promise I'll only jerk off—"
BANG
He's dead.
"Disgusting." Harry's final words before moving on.
The stadium empties in seconds—like over ten thousand people vanish in under a minute.
Only the mutants and Peter's group remain.
"How the hell did that many people leave that fast? Not even a minute?" Emma's baffled.
"Let's go, Peter. Drinks later?" Gwen loops her arm through Peter's.
"Wait for Harry."
The mutants just... stand there.
"..."
Bobby and Kitty are utterly shaken, their entire worldview shattered.
Something feels deeply wrong... but they can't place it.
Kitty glances at Lee, who's still staring at the guy below.
No way. I brought her here to get fresh air—not fall for some outsider!!
Eventually, Harry climbs up to meet them.
"SON OF A BITCH! NO LATINA! JUST A 10-YEAR-OLD GIRL!" Harry rages as a tanned little girl hides behind him.
"Holy shit, is this real?!" Emma panics.
"Wow... cops won't arrest us for killing a pedophile, right?" Gwen looks at Peter.
"...My morals are having an existential crisis. I don't know what to do," Peter grimaces.
[It's fine. The future has way worse coming.]
"Hey, kid. Where's home?" Harry kneels.
"...Nowhere."
"Parents?"
"Abandoned me."
"...Homeless?"
"..."
Harry stands, looking at everyone.
"Well fuck. Didn't expect it to be this bad."
"What now?" Emma feels bad for the girl.
As they stand clueless, the three mutants approach.
"We'll handle it."
Peter's group turns.
"Eh, wasn't planning overtime... but whatever. Kids are kids. Can't just leave her," Kitty says.
"What about the knife-wielding baby that guy punted?" Bobby asks.
"Ask the psycho who armed a toddler, called it Killer Baby, and used it as an obstacle."
"...Welp. Hope we're not hypocrites?" (Too late)
Harry sighs in relief as the mutants take the girl.
"Phew. School tomorrow. Starving."
"Let's eat," Peter slings an arm around Harry.
"Great idea!"
"Hey, don't ditch me!" Emma jogs over as Gwen leaps onto Peter's back.
"Wait!"
Lee's voice stops Peter's group. They turn.
"...?"
"Ummm... Uh... Eto... What's... what's your name?"
Harry notices Peter, Gwen, and Emma all step away. He realizes the girl is asking him.
"Uh... Harry Osborn? Why?"
"D-do you... have social media?"
"...No?"
"T-then your phone number!"
Harry blinks.
This is exactly how girls at school act around him.
But he doesn't even know these people—and they mocked Peter earlier. He's not giving them anything.
Yet this girl he's never met just asked for his number straight-up?
[The universe is cruel—gave this guy a pretty face but a pea-sized brain.]
'Was this you?'
[Why do you keep suspecting me?? I didn't do anything! I just... amplified it!]
'THAT STILL COUNTS!!'
After Harry gives Lee his number, she bows and rejoins her friends.
Bobby and Kitty stare at Harry, sigh, and leave.
Harry scratches his head, looks at Peter.
"Who was that?"
"No idea."
"Cool. Let's eat. Got any new game ideas?"
"Kinda."
And with that, the four walk off.