PoV - Rachumel, Helel's Least Favorite Headache
day passed rather uneventfully. Our pace had picked up a little bit when we decided to just fly across the ocean for a bit. Did we pass Italy? I don't even know. I'm kinda bad with geography without a globe in front of me.
…Could I fly to the moon and get a look from there? Oxygen is a bit of a suggestion rather than a hard rule…
Questions and flight paths for later.
"Hey Helel," I spoke up, my brother turning to look at me as I spoke up, "Why the ocean?"
"I beg thy pardon?" Helel raised an eyebrow.
"I mean, we have all the world to travel to, and you chose the ocean. Or I suppose the sea, technically."
Helel shook his head. "You have much to learn, brother. Incursions are rarer by the sea, but it makes them all the more perilous."
"It's because the wings get wet when swimming." I nodded wisely. I'm gonna be named Buddha at this rate, I can feel it. Bow to my wisdom.
A fist lightly rapped against my head. "No, idiot," Lilith drawled from my back. "Incursions by water are often unnoticed by most of the supernatural until something truly dreadful manages to push its way through."
"What, like that leopard-taur at that earlier one? The one I blasted in the dick."
"Nay," Helel answered. "The fiends are often a match for Kokobiel."
Lilith blinked in surprise. "I had not imagined they would be that powerful," she said.
"I can't even imagine Kokobiel losing," I said with the straightest face I could manage.
"He is talented, yes," Helel answered, distracted by his own thoughts. "One angel of ten wings must be available at all times to respond to incursions of heightened power, by Father's decree."
"You would think more of those Pagan wretches would hunt down the demons," Lilith said, a haughty sniff escaping her as disdain crept into her tone.
"I love it when you get all racist, but flying with a boner is awkward, Lili." I jostled her, and her yelp of surprise was worth her fingers digging into my hair.
Helel snorted, whether in disdain or amusement, I wasn't sure. "When the incursion becomes active enough, they will. Otherwise they just let mortals handle it." Helel hummed as we continued flying over the ocean. "Heaven is the most proactive about contesting the demons. Also Rachumel, drop by three meters."
Without hesitation, my wings snapped closed, and Lilith and I fell an easy ten feet. A massive tentacle breached from the water as we did so, snapping right at where we originally were, and both Lilith and I stared down at the massive kraken below.
"Why the fuck is an Aesir monster in Greek waters?" I blurted out, watching as the monstrous monster chased after us.
"Is that an actual question?" Lilith asked.
"Well, yeah? There can only be one Hentai Legend in an area at a time, and these lands have me, the Big Dick Shota. That is a Tentacle Monster. This is clearly a breach of Ecchi Protocol," I answered.
Lilith stared at me with an expressionless face, and even the Kraken slowed in confusion.
Helel just unleashed a sigh of suffering before lobbing a light spear at the mythological monstro-
Wait, aren't we technically all part of myth as angels and a primordial human? Is this racism? Am I racist? Can you be racist to monsters? …No, wait, I've met other monsters, I am already racist against them, of course you can be racist. …Does that mean I get to invent slurs?!
I paid attention to reality once Lilith tugged on my ear. "Do you ever get tired of spewing nonsense?"
"Do you ever get tired of fat Shota dick?"
Her silence while the corpse of the kraken exploded behind us answered me, as did Helel's even more exhausted sigh.
PoV - Helel, the Exhausted One
We landed on the sand of a beach, and I took the liberty of shoving Rachumel's head a good foot deep into the sand as Lilith checked for nearby demonic presence.
"We are clear," she announced, not even batting an eye at my little brother struggling beneath my foot. "If you desire to scan the demonic magic that lingers here from a previous incursion, we have the time."
I nodded, removing my foot from Rachumel's head. As he comically pulled his head free to gasp for air, Lilith shoved his head right back into the beach, stomping on him with a bare foot.
I'm fairly certain he's enjoying that from her, I thought, before dismissing my little brother from my mind. With my magical senses, I traced out how the portal in the Underworld formed to disgorge the demons, and found yet again more data to support my theory.
Someone is controlling the demonic hordes. Naturally formed portals to the underworld were flickers of energy, chaotically uncontrolled, and often too far from living creatures to matter. It was far more likely one would stumble upon them while exploring than mere travelling.
This is not the case for the invasions. The incursions are too ordered in their craft, even with the naturally unholy energies that are corrosive to reality. They are stable beyond mere happenstance, which naturally leads me to believe that the demons have some kind of leader…
Which brought me back to my plan. With a primordial human as a base, and other human specimens as examples, I would use them as a template to master the demonic energy. They would be living biological weapons: all the growth of Father's favored pets, and all their cruelty to the world with a lifespan that would outlast civilizations. I would mix the corrosive magicks with a stable base; particularly if I could observe more pagan magicks and integrate a corrupted form of them for my armies to command.
It would take more time to better integrate the chaotic energy of the Hells into me. Too soon, too fast, and I will be driven insane by my opposite alignment. With proper rituals prepared, however… I will need to pull Lilith onto my side. Entreat her with the idea of a biological army loyal to none but us and Father's vision of a united world through conquest. Warriors of my design and power, able and eager to be the defenders and punishers of the world.
I needed far more data. Travel to the Underworld and Hell itself would be a start, but Rachumel would not survive such a journey, and I could not protect him at all times. Half the reason for going along with this "roadtrip" farce was to force Rachumel to get stronger. It was expected he would gain four wings, but not for many decades more, and that his strength was exponential in growth… Perhaps, if fused with demonic power-?
Something deep in my soul violently recoiled at the thought of forcing Rachumel to embrace demonic energy like I did. A part of me lashed at the very concept of forcing anything onto my siblings, as if I was denying their freedom…
…Freedom? The thought sat in my stomach, and I discarded the whole line of thought. No, I alone will be enough to command the demonic energy. I knew the power could be tamed, and turned against The Beast, to free my Father from His self-imposed duties. I would raise the devils as armies to conquer the pagans, to turn all of this world against its Destruction.
They will be my legions, and they shall sow all fear. First the demons, and then all the rest of the pagan world… I will show Father that my plan will work. I will show Him I am still worthy!
"Harder, Mommy!"
"Shut up, Rachumel!"
I blinked, shaking away the prior thoughts as I glanced back at my two travelling partners.
…I am not even surprised. Rachumel was grinning up at a blushing Lilith, probably trying to coerce her into more deviancy. I rolled my eyes and walked away, determined not to listen to their nonsense. "Just marry and consummate properly already," I said, the words escaping on a growled mutter.
I stopped next to the corpse of a particular imp, pausing in surprise. It had been bisected in half… with brute force. I bent low to examine the small minion of the Hells. It was clear whoever killed the demon failed to understand that the creatures must be destroyed, or their bodies will taint the land. But to break a demon in half with sheer brute force? I do not sense the waft of divinity…
I recorded the image of the corpse in a spell circle, and set about annihilating the remains.
There was a mortal in these lands who crushed a full incursion, I could tell.
…Interesting.
PoV - Rachumel, Stepped on by a Goth Mommy
While Helel was off doing creepy magical things to demonic corpses that I didn't understand, and Lilith was busy practicing her magicks because she was tired of my teasing, I was left alone-ish on the beach.
…Mildly surprised Aphrodite hasn't appeared. I paused, but when nothing happened, I relaxed. I don't think we were in Greece any more, but I don't have a map.
And I'm bad at geography, fucking sue me. I shrugged and conjured an illusionary brush, then proceeded to push enough magic into it to make it solid. Thanks Fate, you have neat ideas! I spent some time combing my wings, pulling them in to brush the feathers clean of dirt or sand. Sure, they were self-cleaning to some extent, but only sex beats a nice cleaning of my feathers, and Lilith ain't putting out at the moment.
I'm gonna fuck her throat for that, later, I mentally promised myself. It wasn't really a threat, just more an acknowledgement that her dessert was gonna be my pregnog. Again.
There was the fluttering of wings nearby, and I turned to see Helel land near me. "Oh hey, Big Bro! Did you finish inappropriately touching all those corpses?"
"…There were a dozen better ways to word that."
"I am aware, Grumpy One."
"I am done examining the demons in this area, yes."
"Cool. Neat me to clean your wings?"
"…Very well. But I am not getting undressed."
"You don't have the tits, hips, legs, or butt for me to want you naked, Helel," I replied, zipping up and around as I began tilting his dark grey wings. "Oof, there's a chuck of kraken in here. Mmm… Crispy."
"…Tell me you did not just stuff magically fried kraken flesh into your gullet."
"Okay, I did not just stuff magically fried kraken flesh into my gullet." I chewed on the mythological calamari as I worked.
"That was a lie."
"You told me to say it, though!"
Helel sighed. I continued to clean his wings, which were remarkably clean for how much of the combat he throws himself into.
"Rachumel…" I perked up as Helel turned his head to meet my gaze. "Do you… miss Heaven?"
"Yeah," I answered. "There were a lot of hot sisters who wanted to spend time with-"
"Be serious." He hissed, and I narrowed my gaze.
"I am. I miss all of our siblings. I miss Gabriel's peals of laughter, and Michael's gentle smile. I miss the way Raynare liked to cuddle, and the way Penemue held me on her lap." I kept my brushing smooth and clean. "Fuck, I think I even miss Kokobiel's battle-hungry mania."
"Do you miss Azazel?" Helel asked.
"In a weird way, yeah?" I felt mildly disgusted with myself. "I miss dunking on him. I miss arguing with him. I miss… that even if we didn't like each other, we were on the same team." That disgust melted away as I realized that the Watchers' Falls were likely to happen within a century or three. "I miss helping all my family…"
"…I see." Helel spoke. "I miss the vistas of Father's domain. I miss seeing the great works we would help Father make. I miss… the sense of belonging…"
…Yeah. I kinda missed that, too. "That's rough, brother," I said, brushing a bit of dirt off the tip of his sixth wing. "But hey! At least we have each other!"
"We… do, do we not." Helel looked off to the ocean. "My plans haven't changed, Rachumel."
"I know."
"I will raise an army of devils."
"Uh-huh."
"…I will do this all in Father's Name, to subjugate all the pagans under one banner."
"Yep."
Helel exploded from where he sat, knocking me over as he turned to stare down at me. "Yep?! YEP?!" he cried, pointing down at me. "Why are you doing nothing! You should be- be- be doing something to dissuade me! Tell me I'm wrong for doing this! Tell me that Father wouldn't want that!"
"…Nuh-uh."
"THE FUCK YOU MEAN, 'NUH-UH'?!" Helel erupted with a scream of incredulity and a wave of power. The sand kicked up, ruining my work on my own wings, much to my annoyance.
"I mean," I started, pushing up from the ground. "That you already know all that." I brushed my robe free of sand and one befuddled crab. "Me repeating it ad nauseum would just make you not listen to me harder." Helel blinked, as I spread my hands. "You have your plans. You'll probably convince Lilith, because she can't hide that she craves power almost as much as she craves my cock."
"Do not bring up your genitals now," Helel warned, but his voice lacked heat.
I rolled my eyes. "I'm not here to convince you to return to the Light, Helel. I can't, not really."
"…What-"
"Oh, don't cry that you're 'not redeemable' or some shit." I rolled my eyes harder this time, then flapped my wings to get rid of most of the sand on them. "Redemption? Salvation? That's on you, Helel. I can help guide you. I can offer what I think you should do. But unless you actually try to redeem yourself, unless you put forth the effort of accepting Salvation in your soul?" I shrugged. "You can drag the sinner to the temple, but you can't make him believe. Well, okay, you can, but that's just torture and gaslighting and not really worth much overall compared to sincere belief and faith."
"…So, you… just stay silent?"
"I think we both know nothing actually shuts me up," I said, grinning. My grin softened to a smile as I continued. "What it means is that until you believe you've done something wrong, then I can't really help you. And sure, you're genuinely sorry for stealing from Mom and stabbing me - but you're not sorry about trying to raise a devil army, are you."
"Not in the slightest." Helel's eyes flashed with conviction, which I was afraid of.
"Then I'm here not to chastise you - Mom knows you did enough of that for twenty fucking years." I shifted to point my finger directly at his face. "I'm here to make sure you don't become a horrible fucking monster that tortures the souls of children or eats babies. I could return to Heaven at any time, but instead, I'm here making certain that you're at least a passably decent person to the rest of humanity that has to live here."
"…And to avoid Father's wrath at your premarital coitus with Lilith."
"Oh, fuck you, Helel! You fucking stabbed me!"
"Who just barges into Father's Throne room?!"
"Uh, ME. Because I'm Mommy's Specialest Boy!"
"Is that what you called yourself when you were cleaning up all of Heaven's messes?"
"Yeah, uh, well… I touched Gabriel's titties! And she liked me doing it!"
"I am not Azazel, that does not work on me."
"…Dammit, fair point. Uh… your hair looks… stupid?"
"…"
"I'm sorry, I wasn't prepared, can we start this over?"
"Why would we start this over when I am clearly winning?"
"Oh, well, because you fucking stabbed me!"
"ONE TIME!"
"THERE SHOULDN'T BE A ONE TIME FOR STABBING!"
"THERE IS ABOUT TO BE A SECOND!" Helel shouted, both of our faces red and frowning. After a few heated moments of staring, his face started to twitch, and mine reacted, laughter ripping its way out of both of our throats.
Mommy, I definitely needed that. Helel and I simply laughed and laughed, tension and anger and disbelief fading away as we looked at each other in brotherly comradery.
"I'm not going to abandon you, Helel," I said, my voice as sincere as I could make it.
"We will see how that holds up when another attractive woman spreads her legs for you," Helel snorted.
I considered Lilith for a moment in silence.
"Rachumel, you were supposed to say 'No, that would not happen.' Brother, please speak up."
"Sorry, I was thinking about Lilith's ass. What'd you say?"
"…" Helel stared at me blankly.
Then I found myself face down in the sand again. I didn't even do anything this time!
PoV - Lilith, Glad She Has No Siblings (Adam And Eve Do Not Count, According To Her)
It was a week into our journey in this new land, and already, we had come across something different than usual.
Fields were tended to in apparent chunks, as if parts of it were to lie fallow as animals grazed, but other fields were full of onions, leeks, and garlic. Donkeys pulled plows, and these farms had much larger families than we expected. Rachumel in particular appeared stupified, muttering about large numbers and… Krist? Was that the swear?
I had no idea what went through that angel's brain. He complains about women's thoughts being hard to understand, and then expects that anything he thinks of will be understood by anyone.
(Deep in Heaven on Her Throne, Elohim felt the odd urge to sneeze, but ignored it.)
Honestly, the gall of this brat. I ignored him as he walked behind us, his wide gait looking comical as he kept up with Helel's longer strides. "Passing through, I suppose?" I asked, gauging both Helel's and Rachumel's answers.
"Probably for the best? They don't seem to be having any problems," Rachumel said, one hand scratching his head. "Heck, they look better off than most of the pagan villages."
"They worship Father," Helel answered.
"…Oh yeah, they do! How did I not sense that earlier?" Rachumel's brow furrowed.
"You can barely sense lifeforce," Helel replied, but his tone was more matter of fact than insult. "I would not expect you to sense Faith on your own until you gain another pair of wings."
"And another few inches of height, yes yes." Rachumel nodded eagerly.
Helel and I averted our gazes. Neither of us had the heart to tell him he would be eternally adorable. I coughed, then said. "Shall we attempt to find lodging after speaking with the leader?"
"Sounds good to me," Rachumel answered, shrugging at the same time as Helel. "I sleep on your melons anyway, not any beds."
"Of course." I rolled my eyes, not even phased by his blatant admittance of molestation of my body in his sleep.
"Ho there!" Rachumel yelled out at a young farmer, a man most likely in his early twenties. He had soft blonde hair, shining blue eyes, and a handsome face that appeared… familiar? "Good to meet you, friendo! I'm Rach! Do you know where the big boss of this village is?"
"Leader? That would be my father." The man planted a crude stone shovel into the ground. "Why do you need to chat with him?"
"Well, we're travellers!" Rachumel answered. "Hoping there could be a place to spend a night!"
"That makes sense… but why are you talking, kid?" The man raised an eyebrow, gesturing to both myself and Helel. I did not miss his attraction to my body, but I respected his ability to not stare at me. Most men lacked that restraint. "Your-"
"If you call Helel my father I will shove my fist up your butthole." Rachumel interrupted, his tone of voice not changing at all from his cheerful high-pitched tone.
The man looked stunned. "What?"
"All the way up there. All up in that butthole, buddy."
"What my brother means to say is that we are family. He and I are brothers, and Lilith is Rachumel's concubine," Helel said, despite his distaste for humans. I was affronted until I realized it wasn't exactly wrong. "Rachumel, apologize for exclaiming you intended to fist him."
"…Yeah, okay, I'm sorry for threatening the integrity of your butthole…"
"You are… forgiven?" The young man appeared more confused than affronted. "I think my father should handle this conversation."
"Great idea!" Rachumel exclaimed, throwing a thumbs up at the befuddled young buck. "Say, what's your name, pal?"
"Uh… I'm Cain?"
Rachumel froze in place, and Helel's nudge only kept him moving. "O-Oh, is that so…? It's a good, uh… good name, yeah!"
"Uh, thanks." Cain looked oddly at Rachumel before moving ahead of us.
"Rachumel, why did you freeze?" I demanded, and Helel looked about as ready to demand answers as we waited.
"Uh, well, flash of the future and all that… I know who his dad is," Rachumel swallowed.
"…Why is that important?" Helel asked, but I could see he was ready for combat.
"Because we all know him. He's HIM."
"…Some days I want to hit you, Rachumel. Who is HIM?" I asked impatiently.
"Uh… HIM." Rachumel pointed off in the distance, and I watched as two figures descended from what must have been an impressive jump-
No…
The earth cratered at his landing. My jaw dropped at the blonde head of hair of my ex-husband, his sharp blue eyes staring at all of us in recognition. He was as handsome as I remembered, built to break armies and lead all of humanity. He had practically assessed all of us mid-landing, and now stared back at me in the same amount of surprise that I gazed at him.
Behind him, landing far more daintily, a woman with wild brown hair down to her waist looked far more inquisitively at all of us. Recognition alighted in her azure gaze at the two angels, and one look at myself was apparently enough to clock who I was based on Adam's reaction. We were all silent, simply letting the moment soak in the stupefaction.
Of course, Rachumel broke it. "Holy fuck, Eve, your tits are actually bigger than your head."
Eve perked up. "Oh! Thanks Rachy! Motherhood suits me well, don't you think!" She cocked out a hand on her hip.
Rachumel swallowed harshly, and turned like a golem towards Adam. "You lucky fucking bastard."
Adam looked torn between wanting to punch Rachumel, or sheepishly laugh at Eve preening in delight at Rachumel's horny compliment.
I stared holes into the side of Rachumel's head as he looked at anywhere other than me.
Helel merely pinched the space between his eyes, a deep, exhausted sigh escaping from him as pain leaked from every pore. "An aneurysm. I will be felled not by monsters…" His hand dragged down his face.
"…but by a genuine aneurysm."Last edited: 6 Dec 2025Yes, I do in fact really hate Wakanda.
AngelxAneurysm - a DxD story featuring one horny angel shota saving(?) the world Like ReplyReport Reactions:FistOfZeus, BlueWolf0010, Voidsoul and 1,696 otherskilokilop5 Dec 2025Add bookmarkView discussionThreadmarks Chapter 13View content12 Dec 2025Add bookmark#3,347kilokilopReal Wakanda Hating HoursJoined21 Mar 2022Messages2,867Author's Note: This probably would have been longer, but a friend gifted me Space Marine 2 for Christmas early, and the God-Empress has called me to service. So, I guess you could consider this kind of a small intro to the Cain Arc.
Spoiler: FOR TEH EMPRAH
Eve is still not being NTR'd by Rachumel.
The Bechdel Test is an inadequate and simplistic example of criticism in media, and am under no obligation to even attempt to try it when I could write about angel shenanigans
I regret nothing.
…
"This is Ground Control, calling Angel Brainrot!"
PoV - Adam, Doesn't Actually Like Apples
My home was quiet, for once, despite the fact that I had enlarged it several times to account for the much larger family I had grown. Eve, Sara, and Pasi, the latter visibly pregnant, moved to set figs and milk for our guests. Cain promised he would finish in the fields swiftly, and I had sent Devora, my youngest daughter, off to find Abel. Dikla and Maor stared wide-eyed the way young children do at our guests, and I couldn't exactly blame them.
I wasn't expecting two of my three visitors. Rachumel was expected, of course; the brat can't help but shove his face into the largest breasts in the room. The Lord's favored son and my ex-wife joining him?
Not so much, I admitted to myself in the privacy of my own mind.
"Adam, I just want you to know," Rachumel said, beginning the conversation as the table was set for lunch, "I am so fucking proud of you. Look at you! You got a harem!"
I grunted. "Eve's idea."
"She is a gracious woman, yes yes." Rachumel nodded, his gaze…
Staying on me? I blinked in surprise again. "That reminds me. I should offer you my thanks, Rachumel. Your advice regarding farming has been useful in staving off famine."
"…Right, the advice I gave. The advice on farming. The farming advice I totally gave. Gotcha." Rachumel pointed his index fingers at me with a wide smile.
"You forgot, didn't you."
"N-Nuh uh."
Helel snorted, finally. "I distinctly remember you blabbering on about how 'Crop rotation is hardcore' to the Grigori."
Rachumel blinked slowly. "I don't remember that. Why do you?"
"He does not have concussions from eating dirt, I suspect," Lilith snorted, her eyes flickering over everywhere in the house except me.
Rachumel pouted like the brat he still was.
Eve perked up. "Oh! Are they still planting your face in the ground, Rachy?"
Sara and Pasi blinked, each eyeing the other in confusion. I cleared my throat to get their attention, and explained, "Rachumel has a propensity to say many sentences that make you want to shove his head into the ground-"
"Abuse! Assault! Reckless endangerment! Red card!"
"-and thus, since he is weak, Helel often does so when Rachumel does so." I flicked my gaze back to Rachumel after his interruption. "If you feel the need to do so, let me know." I gave a small smile to the disguised angel.
"Meep!" Rachumel shrunk back and ducked under the table.
"Please do not threaten him, Adam," Helel said, a sigh escaping on his name. "I will handle Rachumel's nonsense."
"Aw, he does love me!" Rachumel piped up from under the table.
Adam didn't even blink as a small thud sounded from Helel kicking Rachumel in the face. The table rattled for a moment as man and fallen angel shared a moment of understanding.
Soon after, Devora returned with Abel, and Cain was only moments after him. The table was set with figs and milk from the goats, proper hospitality for guests. My family sat with me, and I nodded towards my three guests. "Be welcome in my home," I said, a serious inflection in my tone as I followed the laws of hospitality that God had laid out. "This meal is for your honor. I will wash your feet with water if you desire, and offer you shelter for this night."
Ironic that this repast for guests was held sacred in case one hosted angels, I mused in the privacy of my own mind. Eve likely thought the same, if her smile of amusement meant anything. I was thankful that despite being banished, the apple had provided me with the knowledge I needed to not make an ignorant fool of myself.
"We offer gratitude for your hospitality this day," Lilith said, finally looking at me. "We shall not infringe on your generosity longer than today."
It was odd to see her again, and feel… nothing. Then again, we were apart far longer than we were together. Perhaps it wasn't that much of a surprise. With that, and Eve's placement of bread on the table, we broke bread together. Cain and Abel ate like starving dogs, as did Dikla, while my wives, Maor, and Devora were content with a much more sedate pace, like myself.
Rachumel cleaned off exactly half of the offered plate, and Lilith did the same. Helel ate exactly one fig, took exactly one slice of bread, and drank exactly one sip of water, instead of milk - enough to accept the hospitality without looking like an ungrateful guest. Good. They're being considerate guests. We waited until the meal was done before I spoke up again, as the host.
"Introductions, then. I am Adam, as you all know. You know my wife, Eve, and my other concubines, Sara and Pasi." The latter two gave bows of their heads. Eve simply waved excitedly. "My two older sons are Cain and Abel, sons of Eve."
"Hi! Nice to meet you!" Abel said, the boy practically a spitting male clone of his mother, personality and all.
"Greetings," Cain said, much more carefully. Possibly because he's already had to deal with Rachumel.
"Dikla and Devora, my daughters, are children of Sara, while Maor is my and Pasi's son," I said, introducing the children and pointing to them as I did so.
"Congrats on the sixth kid, Adam!" Rachumel said, offering a thumbs-up, as he often did. "Mo- Er, the Lord would be happy with your adherence to their word!"
"Thank you," I said simply.
"Oh, right! I'm Rachumel, and this is Helel, and this is Lilith!"
Sara hummed. "I feel as though I've heard of Helel before."
"I assure you," Helel said, stiff and uncomfortable, which I would honestly take over his usual grumpy attitude, "that whatever you may have heard is mere coincidence."
"Right," I said, moving on before Sara or Pasi could connect the dots about them being-
"Nah, Helel's an angel, like me!" Rachumel said, summoning a bit of light in his hand.
God-fucking-dammit, Rachumel. The thought came, instant, familiar, and with a headache as all of my children and wives except Eve froze.
"Rachy! Do the dancing lights!" Eve asked, bouncing in her seat, which also caused her mountainous mammaries to bounce as well.
…What was I thinking about?
PoV - Eve, the Bounciest Woman on Earth
It took a good hour to calm Sara, Pasi, Cain, and Dikla down at the reveal we were hosting two angels. The younger ones didn't quite understand what was happening, and Abel was just excited like I was. Even now, he had cornered Rachy and was asking him all the same questions I once did.
"How do you fly", "Are your feathers really fluffy?", "Can I fly?", "What's your favorite color?", "What's the average speed of a swallow in flight?", and many more like it.
Weirdly, Rachy was terrified of the swallow question? I didn't get it.
As Rachumel now entertained Abel and the younger children, Helel had taken Adam and Cain off to the side once he realized that they were the ones who had been handling the demon incursions. Boys will be boys, I rolled my eyes. Of course even an angel boy would want to know more about violence.
However, it did leave me in a bit of an awkward position, as while Sara kept an eye on the kids, and Pasi went to go nap from exhaustion, I was left alone.
With my husband's ex-wife.
We stared awkwardly at each other, almost sizing each other up. I was clearly superior in the chest department, but Lilith had a much more toned physique… and better ass. She carried herself with a violent sort of confidence, danger and sex wrapped in thin, sheer cloth. I couldn't match that kind of energy, but I took heart in that Adam didn't-
"I do not wish to take your husband," Lilith said, bluntly ending our stand-off with something that crashed my thoughts.
"Buh?" I said. Smooth, brain. Very suave.
"I said, I have no designs on Adam." Lilith swung one leg over the other, sitting with perfect poise. I could admit I was jealous of her ability to stay cool and collected at this moment.
"That is… very good?" This is a new feeling. Anger that my husband isn't desirable? I cleared my throat with a small cough. "Um, why not? I mean…"
"I am aware he is, quite likely, the most attractive human man in the world in most conceivable metrics," Lilith stated, meeting my eyes with unsettling clarity. "Fifty years ago, I might have been wrothful and jealous enough to try something."
"Something changed." It most certainly was not a question.
"Yes." She never looked away as she spoke, a faint smirk on her lips.
I frowned. "…Well? Do not keep me in suspense!"
"He's in the room." Lilith's smirk curled wider.
I looked over, and blinked in surprise. "…Helel? Huh. He always struck me as a selfish lov-"
"What?! No!" Lilith's smirk disappeared in a snort of disgust. "That angel only cares for himself, his Father, and Rachumel. He is a pompous, smug asshole, and I'd rather let Adam try humping me again than lay with that Fallen bastard."
"Do not be rude about my husband," I snapped, and Lilith blinked in shock.
I was winding up for more defense of my husband before Lilith bowed her head. "You have my apologies," she said, and it was my turn to reel in shock. "I offered insults against your husband, but I should not have."
"It's… fine," I muttered. I looked her over again, mentally rebuilding my model of her. This was the harpy who damaged Adam's self-esteem? Who fled Heaven rather than spend another minute trying to work out her issues with my husband? She was… practically docile-
My brain crashed as I realized what her denial of Helel being her paramour meant. "No…!" I reached forward, grabbed her shoulders, and dragged her outside for privacy in the fields. She didn't fight me, confused at my reaction before I stopped and turned. "There is no way you fucked Rachy," I finally said.
Lilith blinked, and then her smug smile returned. "Of course I did."
"I do not believe you. That dick is thicker than either of our arms."
"Oh, he got a little bigger after he got four wings."
My brain stuttered again. "How would it even… That girth would…"
"Apparently, women can handle such a beast," Lilith drawled, clearly enjoying my confusion. "Or at least, I had no trouble handling my dear little angel."
"No way. I do not believe you."
"Why would I need to lie about it?" Lilith raised an eyebrow. "Rachumel is my husband in every way that matters. Of course I would perform wifely duties for him."
We stared at each other, her waiting for my retort, and me trying to figure out how a dick that big would have even fit in me- No. Bad Eve. I shook my head, and met Lilith's stare again. "Don't you think declaring yourself his wife is going to annoy his sisters?"
"They're welcome to come dispute it at any time," Lilith answered, deadpan. "They're probably too busy watching us to bother with such a confrontation." Lilith hesitated for a moment, before sighing. "No, I am much more afraid of the goddess Aphrodite taking offence than I am God or His angels."
"…Rachy fucked up, didn't he."
"…You have no idea. Helel and I have avoided the Greek lands for a reason. Rachumel is beyond lucky he has such a big dick and knows how to use it."
For a brief moment, we were women connected by the mental suffering inflicted on us by a man.
Then reality reasserted itself, and Lilith drew herself back into her practiced poise. "To return to our original topic - I have no interest in your husband, when Rachumel is my own." She met my gaze evenly. "Perhaps we could quarrel. Perhaps the Fates even want us to fight and hate based on a single man we both loved, I in the past, and you, in the now. I refuse."
"You refuse…?"
"I refuse to play by nonsense rules that I must be offended that Adam found happiness elsewhere than I." Lilith turned, and stared up into the sky. "Perhaps the Lord did make us partners, but… what we wanted was not the same. I have come to accept that."
"…Rachy has a way with words, doesn't he," I said, a sly smile on my lips as I recognized the ideals she said.
Lilith flicked her gaze back to me, her eyes narrowing. "Yes. He is a wonderful angel." Aw, she didn't like that I called her out on Rachy's positive influence. "So, I offer peace between us."
"Okay!" I said.
"…Really?" Lilith blinked, caught off-guard at my lack of bargaining.
"Yes. I believe you." I gave her a soft smile. "I can tell you are attempting to be a happier person. I believe that you do not wish for a feud, and I respect that. And you have been honest with your reassurance you do not desire my husband. So, I would be a fool to not accept this peace between us, before any battles or war can be started. I think Adam would be delighted to know that you want to move on."
Lilith stared at me for a long minute, before a soft smile appeared on her own face. "Thank you. I-"
A cacophonous explosion out in the empty fields caught both our attention, and apparently Adam's, Cain's, and Helel's as they raced from the house. "What happened?"
"Wait… Who was with Rachumel," Lilith asked, and both of us froze as we realized, at the same time - Rachumel had no responsible supervision.
Within moments, all five of us raced over to the open field, where Abel, Dikla, Maor, Devora, and Rachumel all stood staring at a massive blackened spot on the ground, all of their faces covered in soot.
"What happened?!" Adam demanded.
Abel stepped up, took a breath, and then, all at the same time, all four of the children pointed at Rachumel. ""He did it!""
Rachumel stared at them all, a look of dismayed betrayal and reluctant approval mixed on his face. "I've literally never done anything wrong in my life, honest!"
"Rachumel…" Lilith warned, crossing her arms under her bosom.
The little angel coughed out a cloud of black dust before answering properly, his voice scratchy and rough, "I wanted to show off that dried poop can explode, so we gathered a bunch of dried dung and tried to set it on fire."
Helel's brow twitched. "And why was it such a massive explosion, Rachumel?"
"…Hey, did you know all the kids know spiral power, Adam?"
Adam's brow spasmed for a moment. "Spiral…? Ah. Yes. I did."
"Cool. Cool." Rachumel nodded, looking around theatrically. "And, technically, spiral is life. Life can be… explosive."
"…Rachy, did you tell my son to add spiral to the little flame," I asked, affecting my disappointed mother tone after I had reassured myself that none of the children were hurt.
"…Maaaaybe?" Rachumel dodged the question, and continued, saying, "So, yeah, freak accident, the fire made all the dung go BOOM instead of Boom!"
Helel was massaging his brow. Lilith's hands were twitching like she wanted to strangle someone. Cain was trying visibly not to lose himself in laughter. I contained my own laughter far better, and merely began gathering my family up so we could all be washed.
Adam, however, merely inhaled, and then slowly exhaled. Then nodded. "Ten seconds."
Rachumel blinked for a moment. Then paled. "PERRY! SAVE ME!"
The giant platypus looked up from where it had been napping in the shade, took one look at Adam, and speed-blitzed away from the area.
"TRAITOR!" Rachumel yelled, before realizing he had wasted five seconds trying to call Perry to him. With a loud "MEEP!", his four wings flashed open, and he took to the distance.
"Oh, Rachy's gotten much faster," I said conversationally.
Helel nodded. "Not fast enough to escape… Adam, may I know your plan?"
Adam gave a proud smirk, the same one that made me all tingly down in my loins. "Oh, nothing spectacular. I was thinking about planting a tree out front of the house."
"Ah. A dumbass tree."
"Precisely." With that word, Adam's jump shattered the ground as he chased down Rachumel in the distance.
"Um, Mother?" Abel asked, shuffling his feet around. "Are we in trouble?"
"Not as much as Rachumel, dear," I answered, ruffling his hair and sending them all off.
Lilith and Helel snorted.
In the distance, Rachumel screamed in terror.
No, not nearly as much as Rachumel, I laughed in my mind. I doubt Adam will seriously hurt him, after all, my talk with Lilith turned out fine-
"Wait, does Adam know you and Rachumel are a couple?" I asked, blinking rapidly as the thought hit me.
They both turned towards me, and Lilith paled as Helel facepalmed, the fallen angel verbally questioning what he did to deserve Rachumel as a punishment.
"We… should probably save Rachumel," Lilith said, her voice quiet and awkward.
"…Give it five minutes?" I said, and both of them nodded.
I mean, I'm sure Rachumel will be fine.
…
Right?Yes, I do in fact really hate Wakanda.
AngelxAneurysm - a DxD story featuring one horny angel shota saving(?) the world Like ReplyReport Reactions:FistOfZeus, BlueWolf0010, Voidsoul and 1,436 otherskilokilop12 Dec 2025Add bookmarkView discussionThreadmarks Chapter 14View content19 Dec 2025Add bookmark#3,449kilokilopReal Wakanda Hating HoursJoined21 Mar 2022Messages2,867Author's Note: Genuinely kinda funny that no one questioned why Rachumel was showing kids how to blow stuff up, lol.
I'm not sure there's anything the little bastard could do that all of you wouldn't go, "Yup, sounds like Rachumel."
Immensely funny, thankies.
Shorter chapter than normal because I cut this one in half for a bigger one next week. Aiming for 6k, bay-bee!
Angel Brainrot, ROLL OUT!
PoV - Rachumel, Possible Foreign Terrorism Enthusiast
"For an angel, you're rather good at deception," Adam said.
"Thanks! I practiced long and hard and other innuendos that I would voice if both of your hands were not on my favorite pair of wings," I replied.
"My apologies. Let me shift my grip." One hand at time, he moved from my top wings to my bottom wings, still posed to rip them off. "Is that better?"
"Not really, them grabbers of yours are still on my favorite pair of wings."
"You cannot have two favorite pairs of wings."
"They're all good wings, Bronx."
I heard a grunt of annoyance before I found myself thousands of feet in the air. My eyes met those of a hawk flying by, and it seemed as confused as I was. "That hunky bastard just yeeted me. Yote me? Hrm. Yeeted sounds better, but Yote is fun to say…" I mused as I began hurtling back to earth. Several hundred feet above the dirt, I let my wings catch the air, and glided back to Adam, who sat on a stump as I arrived again. "So, how'd you know?"
"That you faked the explosion?" Adam snorted. "There is not anywhere near enough dung left around for you to make an explosion that size. My village is meticulous in resource usage, we would not miss enough for you to make that demonstration."
I nodded in acknowledgement. "Figured you'd realize that."
Maybe I never really thought about it before, but Adam, Eve, and Lilith are smart. Cunning, in fact. They pick up new things fast, prodigy level fast, to a level that scared some of the other angels. I wasn't quite sure how to get Adam alone for this talk, but thankfully, my illusions are pretty decent at mimicking sound as well. Too slow to cast for combat, sadly, so I can't Aizen all my opponents, but useful enough outside of it.
So, fake a big explosion, give the appearance of "soot" over me, and flee from Adam's "response" to get him alone! It was an adhoc plan, but it promised that no one was watching.
Well, maybe Mom was voyeuring, but I'll get sad if I think about Her.
"Well? You started a farce to get me here, Rachumel." Adam gazed upon with a look of wary neutrality. We both knew I wasn't much of a threat to him, so it was nice he didn't suspect me of shenanigans now.
"It's about the future, both near and far," I said, my voice tentative while I looked towards the sky. Really hope Mom doesn't smite me, but there are some needless tragedies I can stop…
"Is that so? Why speak with me alone, then?"
"Well… I shouldn't know this info, not really. You know my, ah, 'flashes of insight'?"
"I figured you were just insane, honestly," Adam admitted.
"Some days, I'm not sure I'm not. Existential mental crises aside, it's about Cain-"
Huh. It was really hard to breathe all of a sudden. I wondered why- Oh, Adam's hand is around my throat, that explains it.
"Pick. Your next words. Very carefully." Adam's voice was flat, but his wrath-filled eyes said everything his words didn't.
"Please… loosen… the choke…" I managed to get out. Seriously, let go of me before this awakens something in me!
Adam grumbled, but complied, his hand still holding me up, but it was loose enough that I wouldn't struggle to speak. "Now, Rachumel."
"If life continues on as it does…" I said, inhaling a mouthful of air to make sure my words were clear and concise, "Cain will kill Abel over envy and pride."
Adam's entire body tensed, a moment away from snapping my neck - but the Father of Mankind was not a beast that let emotions control him. "How- No, you always seem to know things you shouldn't…" He looked aside, clearly in thought, before he carefully lowered me to the ground. "How certain are you-"
"Absolute." I replied, rubbing my neck and alighting my hand with some healing magic. Surprisingly, there wasn't much pain at all. "The Lord will accept Abel's offerings, but reject Cain's. Because Cain doesn't worship God honestly, does he?"
Adam's muscles tensed again before he sighed. "…No. Cain is a good man, but he is filled with spite and anger from hearing Eve's stories of Eden. He thinks we shouldn't have been kicked out."
"A bad opinion to have with God, honestly," I said, not sugar-coating it. Mom gave them easy rules to follow, and sure, they were tricked into it - but they shouldn't have fallen for the temptation in the first place. That was kinda dumb when I had spent a nearly a fucking century warning them about the Serpent.
"You do not have to convince me," Adam said, a tiredness in his tone that came from a father that had to deal with a rebellious son. I could wholeheartedly relate, even if Adam wouldn't believe me. "But… to kill Abel… They love each other."
"Wrath makes monsters of men," I replied, floating over to sit on the stump. Adam followed after me, and we sat back to back in the forest. "And Envy is a poison of the heart that rots the bones. Sin makes a good man become a creature he would not recognize in the mirror."
"…What would have been Cain's fate?"
"He would have been exiled, cursed to never settle and never grow from the earth, and that all who would look upon him would know him as a kin-slayer. He would wander without rest until the end of his days, or something beyond man or beast ended him." My explanation was followed by silence for a moment, before I continued. "He might have founded a city? Or something like that. My noggin isn't the best with some info."
"I see." Adam sighed. I didn't know what he was doing behind me, but from the rub of skin on skin, it looked like he was pushing his hands to his head. "But I fear you have done nothing but make me witness my son's fate twice."
"C'mon, Cain would listen to you! Pull him aside, meet him man to man." I said, and I didn't like the silence that followed. "Let me guess. He looks back on how harsh his raising was, and sees how easy the other kids got it, and resents you?"
Adam sputtered in shock. "How did you know that?"
Experience, sadly. "A guess, based on the other human families I've seen."
"It is both heartening and dismaying to know that I am not alone in the struggles as a father." I heard Adam stand up, and begin pacing. "Neither Eve nor I knew what we were doing with Cain when we had him. The other men and women of the village helped with advice, but Cain was- is a willful and stubborn man. He will not listen to me on matters of faith, not with his anger at the universe for its unfairness. Not with my failures as a Father."
"Yeah, everyone goes through the anger phase at some point," I conceded, then paused. "What if I spoke to Cain?"
"I would rather not find your strangled corpse in my fields, Rachumel."
"Rude. I wouldn't be strangled…"
"…"
"…It's far more likely my head would be caved in by shovel."
Adam snorted, then caught himself, staring at me knowingly as I grinned. He sighed, then said, "Fine. If you can save Abel, and save Cain from himself… I will owe-"
"You'll owe me nothing," I interrupted. "Good deeds don't need rewards. Besides, this is penance from perving on Eve back in Heaven."
"I did notice you keeping your eyes to yourself… besides our first reunion," Adam replied, his voice a desert.
"Can you blame me? Like, goddamn, did Mom set you up for a slam dunk with Eve!"
Adam groaned, but I saw the twitch on his lips. "So, what, have you turned over a new leaf and are now a respectable member of society?"
"What? Fuck no." I crossed my arms in front of me. "Gremlin for lyfe! I'm just not perving on a dude's wife, especially my friend!"
"I do not know how I know, but I know you spelled 'life' incorrectly."
"I'm talented like that."
"As you say. Which brings me to my next question - why are you traveling with Lilith, let alone Helel?"
"Funny you should ask that…" I pressed my finger tips together in front of my chest. "So… When Helel did his big oopsie the same day you and Eve got kicked out of Heaven… I kinda-sorta followed him."
"…That sounds somehow exactly like what you would have done, and yet nothing like what you would have done," Adam replied.
"Long story short, we ended up at Lilith's about a year into our travels - Helel was kinda comatose from the Fall - and we crashed at her place!"
"…And makes her want to follow you across the world h-" Adam caught himself, that big brain of his already making connections. "…Rachumel, are you my ex-wife's lover? Is… is that why you're not making pervy comments towards Eve?!"
"I would like to say I have had significant character development following the destruction I unleashed on Lilith's butthole." I puffed myself up, drawing upon that single improv class I took in college. "I realized that the comments I made lewdly towards Eve while you're in a relationship with her are crass and unacceptable! I shall never make a man a cuckold, this I swear!"
Silence once again filled the clearing like an invisible elephant trying to fit in a kiddie's swimming pool - it wasn't gonna work and it made you wince for the plastic pool. Adam just stared at me, his brain clearly analyzing and running over what I said in translation.
And then he just sighed, and hung his head. "As long as she's happy."
"…Well, I'm trying, but your ex-wife has problems like a teenager has pimples."
"Vivid, thank you."
"There is some dark juju going on in that woman's head, and I don't know if I can fuck it all away, but I'm going to give it the good ol' college try."
"I can guess what that means and I entirely wish I did not." Adam shook his head, standing tall. "But we've talked about the near-future. You mentioned the far as well…? Rachumel?"
I puckered my lips then. I was only mildly unsure about Cain's fate.
But I was absolutely uncertain about the Flood. Because I didn't know anything about it. Mom made it clear that what was to be was gone, and so the Flood might be as well… Yet, I couldn't help but be nervous. The Flood wasn't just a one pantheon thing - multiple pantheons had stories about drowning the world but for a boat, or a mountain peak. Humans survived through godly grace, due to their virtue or a specific deity feeling sorry for them.
So how the fuck am I going to explain to Adam that his unborn kid, Seth, was going to have the only virtuous line of kids that won't get wiped out by God?
"So… This future vision… I kinda don't know much other than it happens… and your descendants only survive because God warned them beforehand. No one else does."
"…I am dead by this point, yes?" Adam clarified, surprisingly not flinching.
"Oh yeah, totes."
"Then I will simply be an example for my family to learn from. But we all make choices. And those choices, in turn, make us." Adam nodded firmly. "All I can do is live virtuously, no?"
"…Yeah, I guess? I didn't really think this far ahead." I blinked, incredulous. "I have been sweating over this knowledge for years, Adam, wondering how I'm supposed to explain an apocalypse!"
"That may be true," he granted me, "but it is information I cannot act upon. You can, though."
"You've lost me." I blinked, now questioning what the fuck was happening.
"Rachumel… I apologize for manhandling you earlier. That was unfair of me, when you were attempting to assist me and my family. You have been kind, if a little crass, to both Eve and I, and we should not ask more than you have already offered freely." He gave a deep bow to me, and I had to admit, it was nice to get that apology, but part of my human soul was deeply uncomfortable at Adam bowing his head towards me. "But I must make this request anyway."
"Request?"
Adam inhaled, stood tall, then nodded, more to himself than to me. "I would like to request that you become my family's guardian angel, Rachumel."
"Wait, what the flying fu-"