After all, sometimes humans are scarier than ghosts.
...
[May 9]
Last night I lost control; it was the first time I felt fear, fear that I would harm Huilan just like I did to those maids before.
Upon waking and seeing Huilan unharmed, I held her and cried for a long time.
Why was I born a freak? Why can't I be a normal person like Huilan?
I loathe myself, I don't want to continue living like this.
In the past, I lived through gritted teeth because of hate; I wanted my existence to be a thorn in the side of those who detest me, including my parents, my grandmother, and Qing Yang.
But now, I want to die because living poses a danger to Huilan; if she were to be hurt even slightly because of me, I would be tormented by guilt.
I should just die. If there is a next life, I plead before all ghost gods to let me be a normal person, if only I could know Huilan again.
But a sinner like me, if dead, would only fall into Hell, right?
[May 10]
