HARLEM
I'm putting on makeup when an unknown number calls me and I pick.
"Hello, good evening. This is Zaron Modelling Agency, am I speaking to Miss Tamrin from Broadway?" Oouh that's SUCH a nice combo. I smile remembering that this is the agency I met on the play day. I'm literally so excited.
I clear my throat "Yes, good day, that's me."
"Miss Tamrin, lovely speaking with you again. I'm the man who met you the day you played, I go by the name Miller, it's a pleasure being able to speak with you again, wonderful play you performed by the way."
"Thank you, Mr. Miller, I'm truly glad you enjoyed it."
"Yes. So, let me get straight to the point; we would like to know if you're interested about modelling. We dabble in raising models, teaching them and providing deals for them. Our models are known to have modelled for Louis Vuitton, Huda Makeup, Chanel, Gucci, Victoria Secret and more. We will just like you to know that you're not required to pay to train with us as we were currently scouting for potential like yours when we found you. Therefore, we would like to know if you're interested in joining us and when." I smirk. I already did my research on them a while ago. Obviously, I've been waiting for this moment. I take a deep breath to calm down.
"That's wonderful to hear. As a matter of fact, I would be happy to join you, as modelling is something I've always desired to do and I would be happy to join you in three weeks, if that is okay with you?"
"Of course, Miss Tamrin. We'll be lucky to have you. Thank you for accepting us; I will forward more details to this number if you're okay with that and we can discuss more."
"Yes, that's fine thank you." I say and we end the call. I do a little girly squeal and decide to call Lexi and tell her, but then I remember something.
I haven't spoken to my mom yet and I told my brothers I would, so I have no choice but to do it now lest I forget on this vacation.
I tap on her contact and pause. It's been a while since I last spoke to her, I'm still mad about everything but I miss her, and I miss dad. But we're no different in pride, which is why I won't be the one to call him first.
I sigh and tap the call button. It rings a few times before she picks.
"Harlem? Is this you?"
"Mama, yes, it's me. It's… been a while. How have you been?" she gasps sharply.
"Harlem? My girl? Oh, my goodness! I've missed you so much. I've been so sad since you left; I'm truly sorry sweetheart" she says and her voice cracks.
"Mama, don't cry. I'm here and I'm okay. I had to leave, because I wasn't happy. It was the best decision I could have made, though scary, but I don't regret it. I've missed you too and I'm sorry I haven't picked your calls. I just feel so mad about everything that happened before I left."
"Harlem, my girl. Please, I'm the one who is sorry; I shouldn't have let your father try what he did. Because of that; I lost my baby girl. Please forgive us, it was our greed. We thought we were doing what was best for you and we thought you'd be happy about it but we should've known better."
I sigh, joy long forgotten at the reminder of my past. "Mama, you're the one apologizing to me, not papa. Don't say 'us'. I know he's still mad, but it's okay. I get it. I'm just glad I could stand tall through it. But yes, I've missed you quite a lot."
She sobs a bit more. "I know, my girl. I just… want you to be happy."
I blink a few times to clear my eyes. "Yes mama. I know. I AM happy; I have a good job, friends and I'm making it. I believe it won't have happened if I was still in Poland."
"Oh sweetheart, I saw you on TV. Your father did too. You were marvellous and I have never been more proud, I'm glad you're making a name for yourself. It's the one thing I wished I kept doing. Please, don't ever give up. In this world of men, you need to create your own."
I smile at that. My mother has always been so smart and intuitive. "Yes, mama. That's the plan."
She sniffs. "Good. I know your brothers spoke to you and I'm glad we could talk again. I've been mad at your dad for so long; wondering why he wouldn't even call you, but if there's one thing about the Tamrin family, is that we can never give up pride."
I sigh. She couldn't have said it better. "True. Well, I'm also glad we could talk, but I'm on Vacation right now and I have to go. But we will speak again, and mama?"
"Yes, my girl?"
"Stop crying, where I'm headed requires only happiness. I love you. Goodbye."
"Bye, my love." She sniffs and ends the call.
I stare at the ceiling to prevent the tears from ruining my makeup and reminisce about the past. I was close to my dad for a while before I became much more closer to my mother. I used to play with her makeup and wear her heels and she'd laugh at me because I always looked like a clown. When her and my dad quarrelled, the twins and I would always come to comfort her. I used to ask her why she gave up modelling and she said 'it's because I'm in love.' No idea the kind of love that can make one give up their dreams. She used to be a housewife but later got a job with the government because she's really intellectual. So, at least I'm glad she's working.
My dad had always been a traditional man. He worked businesses and stuff I don't still know but he was pretty well off and gave us the best, I and my brothers even went to private schools. But he was emotionally absent; he thought as long as there was food on the table and we weren't homeless; he had done perfectly well. I understood that and I stopped trying to get close to him but then he came with the stupid idea of marrying me off in the name of ensuring my life was well to do. The man I was to marry was older that my mother for Christ's sake and he allegedly saved my father's life and made a deal to get married to his daughter. Asshole.
I couldn't do it though; I couldn't become hopeless. And sometimes I wonder if my father was truly okay with it.
My father loves my mother but not enough to make it count; he's a hard man and performs as such. They almost got divorced a few times though; their fights were always disastrous. He has never hit her but I wanted the divorce to happen, so she could be happy. But as usual, she kept coming back and I realized it's not my battle to fight.
I finish up my makeup and head out with my purse. I wore a simple red short dress with sneakers. We're going for Karaoke so I'm not doing too much.
I leave my room and head to the Karaoke room as directed to me. When I arrive, most of my co-workers are already there and Brian, one of the others, is singing. I smile as he sings Blinding Lights by The Weekend.
I'm still in a haze and I don't notice him at first but Ezra is burning a hole into me, as usual. I stare at him as he's seated with Tyrone who smiles at me and Ezra just stares at me. I force a smile and head for the drink section. I pour myself a good amount and down it.
"Not slowing down?" Someone asks from behind me and I can guess already. I turn to take him in and shrug, he does the same. He's wearing a polo shirt and jeans; has to be the most informal I've ever seen him. I fuck with it though.
"Are you okay?" he asks and I look at him, like REALLY look at him. He genuinely cares and I can tell, but every time I want to open up to him, TALK to him, I'm reminded that if someone like my father can get married to my mother then maybe love and all that is hopeless. Which makes me doubt it. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Which then makes me want him to hate me instead of caring, because a girl with a toxic father only ends up being attracted to toxic men.
He frowns and stares at me. Shit, my eyes are watering. I turn away quickly to tell him I'm fine but Renee walks up to me.
"Hey girl, glad you could make it. I see you're demolishing a drink already. Oh hey Mr. Roth. Harlem, came to ask you if you want to sing?" I didn't think I would actually sing, but maybe its the alcohol and I nod. She takes my hand and we go up leaving Ezra standing there.
I choose a song while Briannon sings End of Beginning by Djo and my ears bleed, but I don't tell her that. I clap when she's done and smile at her while she bows and walks off.
Finally, I climb the stage and the intro to Crybaby by SZA starts playing, they clap and cheer for me and I laugh while preparing to start singing. I make eye contact with Ezra and he's staring at me.
'Maybe
That attitude took a backseat, Miss Know-It-All
You'd find a man
You got no chill, you can't
Damn, baby, and maybe
If I stopped blaming the world for my faults, I could evolve
Maybe the pressure just made me too soft
'Cause all I seem to do is get in my way
Then blame you, it's just a cycle, rinse, recycle
You so sick, I'm so sick of me, too
Call me Miss Crybaby
Call me Miss Crybaby
It's not my fault
If it's Murphy's law
What can go wrong will go wrong
Telling you, crybaby, call me a crybaby
It's not my fault
It's Murphy's law
What can go wrong will go wrong
Don't I know it
Don't I know
Damn it, don't I know
Oh, you know it
And maybe
You should really stop smokin' them Backwoods so you can age backwards
Please, girl
Baby, it's your world, oh
Maybe
You should stop focusing all of that negative blocking the positive
Trying to find, you're my blindspot, it's fine n-
Ruin me every single time
'Cause all I seem to do is get in my way
Then blame you, it's just a cycle, I'm so psycho
You so sick, I'm so sick of me, too
Call me Miss Crybaby
Call me Miss Crybaby
It's not my fault
Damn that Murphy's law
What can go wrong goin' wrong
Baby, its crybaby, oh, crybaby
It's not my fault (it's not my fault)
Fuck Murphy's law (it's Murphy's law)
It ain't gone 'til it's gone, oh
I know you told stories about me
Most of them awful, all of them true
Here's some for you, yeah, ooh
I know you told stories about me
Most of them awful, all of them true
Here's some for you, yeah.'
When I'm done, the place is silent for a while and I realise I had closed my eyes and was in the moment, my cheeks heat up but I don't get the chance to be embarrassed as they all go up in applause; standing and clapping for me. Even Tyrone looks impressed while Ezra just stares. I avoid his eyes. Wow, was I THAT good?
I get off the stage and Briannon and Renee hug me "That was really good. Didn't know you could sing that well. But damn." We laugh and I thank them. I didn't know either, but I guess when you sing all the time you're alone, which is most times, you learnt to master it. And SZA's my music god. I adore her.
I feel myself break as I watch someone else climb the stage and I realise I need to go for therapy.
I walk out carrying a bottle I snatched, and walk to the beach. The sun has mostly gone down so I see a sunset. The view is amazing as I sit on a bench and watch the clear blue waters and people laugh and have fun. I hear someone's footsteps behind me and I turn to see Ezra standing behind me.
He tilts his head and scans me like he's trying to figure something out, I ignore him and take another drink from my bottle. He sighs and seats beside me, not too close but not too far. I watch a woman and her kids play in the water and I smile while Ezra still stares at me.
"You want to talk about it?" he whispers and I almost don't hear him. I shake my head and crouch a little as the first drop of tear slides down my cheek. Ezra comes closer and wraps me in his arms and I break. I break as I remember how happy I used to be, with myself, with my family. I remember the days I watched my parents argue and not talk for weeks after, how I wondered how destructive love can be. How scared I was when I first saw the man my dad was FORCING me to get married to. How he betrayed me. How he used to be my hero and how I want to stay far away from him if it means I can be happy.
I realise I'm a sobbing mess and I try to pull away to avoid getting snot and tears on Ezra but he holds me tighter. "Don't you dare pull away from me. You can mess up my shirt, I don't care." That only makes me cry more because who the hell is this man and how can he be so kind to me?
I cry out my pain for the last 4 years in the arms of Ezra Roth as he rubs my back and squeezes me tighter. At some point I can bet he sweetly kisses my forehead but I'm crying too much to notice.
After what feels like days, I stop crying and I snuggle into him, even if for just a moment and also because I'm sure my makeup is ruined. What a bad day to have done my makeup; it wasn't even necessary, just wanted to do it.
When Ezra gives me small space to pull away, I notice it's a bit darker now and I have no idea how I'm going to fix my makeup.
Ezra holds my face and I look at him. He gets a handkerchief and wipes my tears, then uses it to dab the makeup that ran. He then cleans my nose and I'm in so much shock that he did it, I just stare at him and let him work. When he's done, he pockets it back and looks at me, a worried but calm and observant expression crossing his face.
"Want me to carry you back?" I stare at him, still shocked a MAN could clean my tears and still want to carry me. I clear my dry throat and pick up the bottle.
"That won't be necessary, Ezra. Thank you." I stand up and he does as well.
"Then, let me walk you. Please." He begs. I stare at him and nod. Then he takes my palm, entwining our fingers and pulls me to him arranging my hair before we start walking.
We walk to my room and he keeps staring at me once in a while, no idea what for. I'm sure I look horrible. Luckily people don't look at me or pay me any attention.
We finally end up at my room door and I look around awkwardly at anywhere but him. He tilts my chin to look up at him.
"I don't know why you're crying and honestly, I'm dying to know, but whether you decide to tell me or not, I hope it gets better and you cry no more. And I know you don't believe me… but I'm here for you. ALWAYS. Good night princess." He says and walks off.
I stare at his retreating back as he walks away and leaves. I blink a few times; sure I'm dreaming and unlock my room.
I wash off the horrid makeup and put on my pyjamas, then I play some SZA before I fall fast asleep.