In the blink of an eye, Lin Yuhui spent the Lunar New Year of 2022 alone amidst the pandemic lockdown. He also wanted to go see his child, and he also wanted to go see his grandfather, but those closest people to him were all monopolized by his parents. In the blink of an eye, it was Valentine's Day and the Lantern Festival again. After sending that piece "Wedding in a Dream" to Cerise, everything came to an end. As for the family reunion on the Lantern Festival, it had long been shattered into pieces; now he himself was the whole family.
转眼疫情封控中的林语晖独自度过了2022年的农历春节.他也想去看自己的孩子,也想去看自己的爷爷,但是那些自己最亲的人都被自己的父母霸占了.转眼又是情人节和元宵节,给瑟瑞丝发出那篇"梦中的婚礼"之后,一切都结束了.至于说这个家元宵节的团圆,早已被打得稀碎,现在自己就是全家.
As spring approached closer and closer, during the days of being well-fed and facing the wall in lockdown all day long, the desire to find a partner seemed to become more and more urgent. It was just that women who could make him feel truly reliable were really hard to find, not to mention adding his emotional mysophobia on top of that.
随着春的脚步越发走近,在封控的成天吃饱面壁的日子里,想要找个伴侣的心情似乎愈发地急迫了,只是能让他觉得真正靠谱的女人真的不好找,更何况再加上他的感情洁癖.
After studying the programs of blind date bloggers, it could be determined that this was a path he did not want to take anymore. The risk of fraud and the expectations of blind date women made the cost-benefit ratio too poor for him. Simply put, they wanted higher prices and harbored less affection. And through previous contacts, Lin Yuhui had also deeply realized the commercial profit-making nature of the blind date industry.
经过研究相亲博主的节目,可以确定这条路自己是不想走了,欺诈风险和相亲女性期望值使得对于自己来说费效比太差.简单说就是她们要更高的价格和怀有更少的感情.并且经过之前的接触,林语晖也深刻地体会到了相亲行业的商业利益经营性质.
There was once a famous saying from the early days of the internet that old IT guy Lin Yuhui would certainly know: there are few people online to begin with, and furthermore, the quality is bad. However, sitting at home, he had no choice but to go online.
曾经有一句网络初期的名言,对于老IT林语晖来说不会不知道,就是网上本来人就少,再说质量又不好.怎奈人在家中坐不得不上网.
On Douyin, there were many sincere ones, pity-seeking ones, sweethearts, and smiling faces. Upon contact, it turned out they were gathering followers, keeping a pond of fish, or running their own businesses begging for tips.
抖音上好多真情的,卖惨的,甜心的,笑脸的,一接触发现原来是圈粉的,养鱼的,自带业务讨打赏的.
Lin Yuhui had to change places and went back to Soul. As a result, he found that since this software upgraded its operating system, those original simple and sincere users had all been eliminated along with the old devices. Now the remaining newcomers were also here to post photos and show off. Sigh, people's hearts are not what they used to be; what a flashy chaotic world.
林语晖只好换了个地方,又找回到soul,结果发现自从这个软件升级操作系统之后,原来那些淳朴真诚的用户都被随着老设备一起淘汰了,现在剩下的新人也都是来这里爆照炫耀的.哎,人心不古啊,浮华乱世.
He dated a few young girls, but the other parties all disliked him for being old. Sigh, when young you don't know that old men are good. Do you know that I, an old man, have an old protector? There was no way; some people can only wake up after bumping their heads until they bleed, but usually it is already too late and irretrievable.
谈了几个小姑娘,对方都嫌弃自己老,哎,年轻不知老头好啊,你可知我老头有老保?没办法,有些人只有磕得头破血流才有可能醒悟,但是通常已经晚了,无可挽回.
Since dating didn't work, then let's be funny. Talk about prowess to the young ones, talk about quantity and scarcity, and let them understand not to pursue those unrealistic things all day long only to end up with nothing. So Lin Yuhui started posting funny explanations:
既然搞对象不行,那就搞笑吧,给小年轻们谈谈厉害,讲讲多寡,让她们也明白明白别整天追求那些个不切合实际的到头一场空.于是林语晖开始搞笑发帖讲解,
"Though the uncle is old, he doesn't mess around,
I never wear broken shoes and my feet have never been wet.
The young lad is young, the road ahead is ethereal,
With a tender face and hot fire, one cannot rest assured.
Though the uncle is old, he ignores the disturbance,
Strategies can solve worries and words can enlighten.
The young lad is young, led by profit and desire,
Quarreling over everything, harmony cannot be achieved.
Though the uncle is old, his faith does not fall,
Love need not be much, once is enough until old age.
The young lad is young, short, urgent, and explosive,
Either hitting the target or getting aborted."
"大叔虽老但不乱搞,
破鞋不穿从未湿脚.
小伙年少前路缥缈,
脸嫩火旺放心不了.
大叔虽老无视纷扰,
计可解忧言以开窍.
小伙年少利多欲导,
凡事必吵和美不了.
大叔虽老信仰不倒,
爱不在多一次到老.
小伙年少短急爆票,
不是中标就是打掉."
Lin Yuhui summarized and generalized what he had seen and heard online in this regard over the years. As soon as he posted it, it immediately became popular. Most of the followers were male compatriots. Lin Yuhui himself didn't expect that his rivals, the young guys, found resonance here and complained about their ex-girlfriends and blind date dates one after another.
林语晖把自己多年在这方面的网上所见所闻总结概括,一发出马上就火了,多数跟帖的都是男性同胞,林语晖他自己都没想到,自己的情敌小伙子们在这里找到共鸣了,纷纷吐槽前女友,相亲对象.
One spoke with tears and snot, saying that his newlywed wife despised him and they always quarreled. He resentfully said, "Doesn't she think she is awesome? Let her go over there by herself. I have already divorced her."
有一个声泪俱下,说自己新婚妻子嫌弃他,总是吵架,愤恨地说,她不是觉得自己牛逼吗,让她自己过去,我已经和她离了.
Lin Yuhui had to quickly advise him kindly, "Oh brother, don't take it to heart. If the old doesn't go, the new won't come. In a few years when she is no longer young, she will definitely regret it."
林语晖还得赶紧好言相劝,"哎呀老弟别往心里去,旧的不去新的不来,再过几年她不年轻了肯定得后悔."
"That's exactly right. I hand over all my salary to her, and I do all the housework. Where can she find someone like me? Even if she regrets it and comes back to find me, I won't want her either."
"那可不咋地,我工资全交给她,家里活都我干,她上哪找我这样的,她就是后悔了再来找我我也不要她."
"Good, brother has guts. A good horse doesn't turn back to graze," Lin Yuhui had to support such a brother. So it seemed that the alliance of victimized men was quite extensive. The result was that the popularity here was quickly reported.
"好,兄弟有刚儿,好马不吃回头草,"林语晖必须给这样的兄弟顶住,所以看来受害者男盟还是挺广泛的.结果就是这里的火爆很快被举报了.
Soul has a rule that anyone can report and delete posts, without arbitration or rules. If someone reports, the post is deleted. This has also cultivated the glass hearts of some people here. They will not understand this world, nor will they reason. Such people cannot be taught.
Soul有一个规则就是谁都能举报删帖,没有仲裁或者规则,有人举报就删帖,这也养成了这里某些人的玻璃心,她们不会理解这个世界,也不会讲道理,孺子不可教也.
That bunch at Soul, your territory has your rules. Fine, fine, fine, enjoy yours, and I'll go back to Douyin to enjoy mine. If this place doesn't keep me, there is a place that will. Holding back his frustration, Lin Yuhui switched back to Douyin, listing his requirements for finding a partner in a pinned post. Who can control finding a partner? Urgently update the pinned marriage recruitment list self-introduction. If I can't get a partner, I'll be funny:
Soul那帮人你的地盘有你的规矩,好好好,你爽你的,我回抖音爽我的,此处不留爷自有留爷处,林语晖憋着闷气又转战回了抖音,发顶置贴罗列自己的找对象要求条件,找对象谁管得着?紧急更新顶置招亲榜自我介绍,搞不到对象我就搞笑:
"First of all, I am looking for a partner to make life better, not to look for trouble. I am from Jilin City, born in '77, male, height 160 cm, weight 51 kg, bachelor's degree engineer. My heart is not very good, so I can only live a peaceful life. I am straightforward, stick to principles, and am not a simp. I am mentally mature, kind-hearted, upright, honest, sincere to people, value relationships, live simply, and have a relatively high IQ of 138.
首先我找伴侣是为了生活更美好,不是想找病.本人吉林市,77年,男,身高160,体重102斤,本科工程师,心脏不太好,只能过平静生活.人直讲原则不舔狗,思想成熟,心地善良,正直诚实,待人真诚,重感情,生活简朴,智商较高iq138.
Requirements for finding a partner regarding loyalty:
找伴侣要求忠诚:
Being a virgin is your certificate of allegiance. Those who don't talk about the future with you but coax you into bed just want to exploit your youth and first time for free. I can give birth to a highly intelligent and sentimental child for you, cultivate him into a talent, and when you grow old, he will have both the ability and the willingness to take care of you. If you don't have a job, I can also let you take over my job after I retire. Of course, you have to learn from me in advance. Educational background is not limited, guaranteed teaching.
1,处就是你的投名状,那些个不和你谈未来就哄你上床的就是要白嫖你的青春和第一次.我可以给你生一个高智商重感情的孩子,把他培养成才,当你老去的时候他有能力也有意愿照顾你.如果你没有工作,也可以我退休后把我的工作让给你,当然你要提前跟我学,学历不限包教会.
Ninety percent new non-virgins who realize they paid wrongly and regret it. I am soft-hearted. You can use the companionship of your youth to prove that you are serious and willing to invest in our future for the long term. I can give birth to a boy with you to protect the future I owe you, and give birth to a girl to compensate for the past you owe me. Those who use youth to seek profit and climb high branches, I will not take over for you. I am not that cheap.
2,九成新非处认识到自己错付了后悔的,我心软,可以用你青春的陪伴证明你是认真的愿意为你我的将来长期投入,我可以跟你生一个男孩保护我欠你的将来生一个女孩补偿你欠我的过去.那些个用青春牟利攀高枝的,我是不会给你们接盘的,我没那么贱.
Divorced with a girl, just let me take both of you. As the saying goes, you can't catch a groom without sacrificing the child. If I don't tie you two together, how do I know if you had anything in the past or if you will mess around in the future and infect me with STDs? But please rest assured, I won't rape. However, having said that, if you hadn't found the best, why would you be willing to give her away. Stop dreaming about treating her as your own. Why pick up a woman used by others and raise her child? How cheap and low-quality must a man be to be as humble as a peasant under the car chassis? The truth is that a mother's value through her daughter is the only chance for a divorced woman in the second half of her life. If you are willing, I will plant seeds in you. I am destined not to accompany you to the end, so both you and I can be at ease. Those divorced with a boy, don't look anymore. The child is your remaining life; just raise him into the man you want. Those divorced without children, go find partners everywhere. There are plenty of younger brothers for you to pick from and rotate usage. Anyway, my little brother won't be used by you; I dislike it being dirty. Older women transitioning from camp to civilian use, don't think about a good man taking over. How excellent would you have to be? Unless you have both character and looks and can still give birth.
3,离异带一女孩的,就让我把你们俩都收了吧.俗话说舍不得孩子套不着郎.不把你俩捆到一起,我怎么知道你过去有没有,将来会不会烂搞把我染上xb.但是请放心,我不强J,不过话说回来,若不是你找到最好的,又怎舍得给她.不要再做梦什么视如己出了,凭啥捡别人用过的女人还养他的孩子,得多贱多低质的男人能卑微到如此车底农夫.真相就是母凭女贵是离异女后半生唯一的机会.愿意就给你们种上,我注定不能陪你们到最后,这样你我都可以安心了.离异带一男孩的就不要找了,孩子就是你的余生,把他养成你想要的男子汉就好了.离异不带孩子的都cpdd去吧,大把大把的弟弟给你挑着轮换使用,反正我的弟弟不给你用,嫌脏.大龄营转非的就不要想好男人接盘了,那你得多优秀,除非品貌兼顾并且还能生.
To facilitate the广大 female compatriots to refer to and execute, specifically the following will not be considered: smoking, drinking, clubbing, walking dogs, flirting, petting cats, ambiguity, messing around, disco, karaoke, tattoos, night walks, yoga, fitness, travel, fuck buddies, feminist extremists, cheap bitches.
为了方便广大女性同胞参照执行,具体以下不考虑:抽烟喝酒泡吧遛狗撩骚撸猫暧昧烂搞蹦迪K歌纹身夜走瑜伽健身旅游P友女拳贱婊.
I am looking for a decent person who can act shamelessly at home, for example, (inserted here is a passionate selfie of myself playing with a DSLR at home, Van Gogh Starry Night background, summer cool hot pants, single light source small aperture high contrast portrait studio photography).
我要找的是正经人,可以在家里犯贱,比如,（在此插入了自己在家玩单反的激情自拍照,梵高星空背景,夏日清凉热裤,单光源小光圈高对比度人像写真摄影棚拍照.）
If there really isn't anyone on Earth worthy of me, female aliens can also be considered. Anyway, nowadays women on Earth are also floating in the sky, so why not find a pure one from the sky? Smart and wise, capable of telepathy. She knows my inner sincerity without me saying anything, and I don't need any sense of ritual from her. She can also change appearances so it's not boring. Come as a little sweetheart in the morning, a golden surprise at noon, switch to an Aoi Sora type at night, want Tang Wei for weekend photos, find Gillian Chung, go out with Rooney Mara, and come home to a spicy Ozawa. In front of an older sister dozens or hundreds of years older than me, I can also be a drunk younger brother for once, resting my tired heart and stopping my striving footsteps for a nap. Acting coquettish, acting cute, I can also taste what it's like to be pampered by someone.
如果地球上实在没有配得上我的了,女外星人也可以考虑.反正这年头地球上的女的也都在天上飘着呢,干嘛不找个纯正天上的,聪明睿智,能心灵感应,不用说她就知道我内心的真诚,也不用我什么仪式感了.还会变换形象不乏味,早上来个小甜的,中午来个金喜的,晚上换个苍井的,周末要汤唯的拍照找阿娇的,出门鲁妮玛拉的回家小泽麻辣的.在比我大几十上百岁的姐姐面前,我也醉一回弟弟,可以歇一歇疲惫的心,停下努力的脚步小憩.撒个娇,卖个萌,我也尝一尝有个人宠的滋味.
If the aliens still don't land, and I can't wait, fox fairies or snake spirits on earth are also fine. The requirement is being able to shapeshift and not being an alcoholic. One like Joey Wong is enough. I won't refuse if Maggie Cheung is sent either. Reciting a piece of true love, don't harm my life, and I will accompany you through life. If I still can't find one, a female ghost will do in desperation. I won't have to worry about being cuckolded either. Whoever cuckolds me dies, hahahaha. Although I cannot have the joy of clouds and rain with you, there is still the friendship of connected branches. Souls accompanying each other, answering poems and couplets, playing the zither and singing songs, living up to the years of the red dust.
要是外星人还不来登陆,我等不及了,地上的狐仙啊,蛇精啊也行,要求会变形不酗酒,王祖贤那样的一个就够了,送个张曼玉我也不拒绝.念一片真情,你们别害我性命,我陪你人生.还找不到,实在不行就女鬼吧,还不用担心被绿,谁绿我谁死,哈哈哈哈.虽不能和你行云雨之欢,却还有连理之谊.灵魂相伴,答诗对对,抚琴颂歌,不负红尘岁月."
Finally, he added a photo of Mr. Meng Zhaoguo, the pioneer of sleeping with female aliens, to express his determination, and added a comment for him, "Look at that silly boy."
最后还加上了睡女外星人的先驱孟兆国先生的照片明志,还给他加了一句评语,"瞅那傻小子."
After finishing the self-introduction, Lin Yuhui read it over himself and couldn't help but sigh at his own sincerity and earnestness, always thinking about beautiful things. But the news has reported it: twenty-something-year-old big girls marrying seventy-something-year-old old men, and even having children. A forty-five-year difference is okay, and that old man has no money either, absolutely true love. I am only forty-five years old, why can't I do it?
自我介绍写完了,林语晖又自己读了一遍,不由得感慨自己的情真意切,尽想美事.可是新闻里都报道了,二十多岁大姑娘嫁给七十多岁老头子,还生孩子了.相差四十五岁都行,并且那老头子也没钱,绝对真爱,我才四十五岁,我凭啥不行?
Just like that, both groups of people are pursuing their ideal types of low-probability events. Women are pursuing the low-probability event that the top one percent elite males will fancy them, and Lin Yuhui is pursuing the low-probability event of meeting that top one percent of young girls who like old men.
就这样,两波人都在追求自己的理想型小概率事件,女人在追求那百分之一精英男性能看上自己的小概率事件,林语晖在追求能遇到那百分之一喜欢老头的少女的小概率事件.
But there is always a group of people who neither have the honesty and courage to face their own reality, nor are selfish and narrow-minded, unable to stand seeing others happy. Not long after, Lin Yuhui's work was reported again.
但是总有一伙人既没有诚实与勇气面对自己的现实,又自私且狭隘见不得别人开心,没多久林语晖的作品又被举报了.
"1. Virgo has no seat, thank you. Come to reincarnate and continue our predestined relationship with me. For the rest of my life with me, learn the wisdom of dealing with the world and avoiding pitfalls, teach you my skills, and recommending you to take over my job before retirement is my plan for your future. Don't stare closely at money and property; that is just a tool. Without wisdom, no matter how much there is, it is all in vain, and you will have to pay the IQ tax bill. My job is still relatively stable, and my IQ is high. Eugenics starts with selecting the seed. Don't raise a useless piece of wood that can't be relied on for ten or twenty years only to find out later, a mongrel. High IQ genes, upright and kind nature, plus my cultivation, cultivating him into a talent is your future reliance. Those who don't want to deal with mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships can also find me for this reason, purely a two-person world. Usually young girls like handsome guys who brag, and I can't stop this point, there is no way. I hope she herself has enough wisdom or her family can truly be good to her and give advice, don't pay the wrong price for youth, and have no reliance or settlement in the second half of life. When virginity and youth are gone, on what basis can you find someone good."
"1,处女座没有座谢谢,来转世与我再续前缘.余生与我,学到处世避坑的智慧,教你我的技能,退休前推荐你接手我的工作就是我为你未来的打算.不要紧盯着钱财,那只是工具,没有智慧多少都是白扯,都得交智商税买单.我工作还算稳定,并且智商高,优生优育是从选种儿开始的,别养了十年二十年之后才发现是个指不上的废柴,杂种儿.高智商的基因,正直善良的天性,加上我的培育,把他培养成才,是你未来的依靠.不想处理婆媳关系的也可以因此找我,纯纯的二人世界.通常小女生都喜欢帅的吹牛的,这一点我也拦不住,没有办法.希望她自己有足够的智慧或者家人能真心为她好,给予劝导,别错付了青春,后半生没有依靠着落,到时候没了处和青春凭啥找好的."
But it didn't last long, and it was reported again and lost traffic. This time he was furious. You rotten goods really won't leave a way out for other good girls. I have to arrange and satirize this bunch of goods, so he started drafting again.
但是好景不长,又被举报没流量了.这次他怒了,你们这些个烂货是真不给其她好女生留活路啊.非得编排编排讽刺一下这群货色,于是又开始拟稿.
（Translated by Qwen）