Basel, November 1940.
– But Suzanne, you don't realize, it stresses me out to talk to him about it. Imagine if it's not at all how he feels?– Ruth, he thinks about you all the time, I'm sure of it. From everything you told me, and since your days here, I'm absolutely certain he loves you, and if you don't do anything, nothing will happen if he doesn't dare either.
I think for a moment. I'm afraid to know what he truly feels, but Suzanne is right. I have to tell him or nothing will ever happen.
– Yes, you're right, I'll tell him tonight.– Seriously, you're really going to tell him this time?– Yes, I promise.– You don't come back tomorrow if you haven't said anything.
I give her a smile before heading to my apartment. I open my door and find my little cocoon again. During these past months, thanks to the money Heinrich earned, we were able to afford things like a radio and a telephone, and he gave me many new dresses and accessories for my birthday. That gift made me so happy.
And on top of that, my hair has grown a lot these last months, and now I no longer hide my head with a scarf because my short bob suits me very well. At least that's what Heinrich told me, and I like to believe it. I can say that the months spent here have really lifted my spirits, and I've realized that I truly fell in love with him. I had doubts, but now I'm no longer afraid, and I want to love him.
– Hi, I'm home.– Oh hi, did you have a good day?– You could say that. Quite long and difficult, but still a good day.– Good then.– And you, did your day go well?– Very well.– I imagine you were at Suzanne's.– Yes, you guessed it, I love going there and it keeps me busy all day.
He smiles at me and sits on a chair. I see the moment to tell him, to confess my love.
– Heinrich?– Mhmm? he says, lifting his head toward me.– I'd like to tell you something very important, and I want you to listen.– I'm listening, tell me.
– Hum, I've wanted to tell you this for a little while, but I didn't dare… I… I'm in love with you, Heinrich.
Suddenly, a huge stomach ache hits me. I lift my head and look into his eyes. No sound comes out of his mouth, no movement. My heart is beating so fast. Why did I tell him? Everything will be different now.
His chair makes a dull sound that snaps me out of my thoughts. He moves closer to me, pulls my chair back, then grabs my face with his right hand and kisses me. My eyes close instantly so I can enjoy every second. He doesn't want to stop. This kiss reminds me of the very first one we shared, but this one is much more intense. I hear it in his breathing, and mine too.
– Wait, Heinrich, wait. I say between breaths.
His face in my hands, I look him in the eyes. His breathing is ragged.
– Heinrich, do… do you love me?– Let me love you, Ruth, he whispers.
Our kiss starts again with even more intensity. Heinrich lifts me and places me on the table. Something in my stomach feels strange, but I love the sensation. I feel like I'm flying. Like I'm in another world, in paradise.
His hands slide from my face to the hollow of my back. He pulls my body closer to his as if it weren't the first time.
– Can I?
I look at his hands. They are at the hem of my dress. I lift my face to see him.
– Yes.
His hands lift my dress and remove it completely. I feel his cold skin grab my waist while our kiss keeps pulling us together. I grab the belt of his pants and undo it slowly while he messes up my hair with his large hands.
He carries me to his bedroom and lays me on the bed with such gentleness that I feel like I'm floating. He kisses every part of my body. I pull his shirt over his head. He gives that same smile he had after our first kiss at the door of my house. He stops for a moment, looking at me with eyes full of excitement.
– Ruth, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I don't know why I waited so long to have you for myself.– It doesn't matter, you have me now, so please don't leave me like this.
I grab his neck and kiss him until I can no longer breathe. I found myself naked in front of the man I loved, and this time I wanted to be touched. Despite the incident last time, I know very well that Heinrich would never hurt me.
His pants are completely off. I was afraid and excited at the same time about what was about to happen. He was going to be my first time. He already was for our first kiss, but I don't know why, I always somehow knew he would be the first.
– Tell me if it hurts, alright? he whispers in my ear.
I nod, and suddenly I feel a slight pain that quickly turns into pleasure that grows with each of his thrusts. I love the sensation he gives me. I thought making love with a man wasn't that great from what my friend Matilda told me. She almost had disgust for them, but I find it absolutely beautiful.
With each movement, Heinrich breathes heavily and sometimes lets out soft, discreet moans of pleasure, but I hear them, and they make my own pleasure grow stronger. Suddenly a wave of heat rises inside me and leaves my body through a cry of pleasure. Heinrich pulls out and collapses next to me, exhausted from our lovemaking.
He turns his head and kisses my forehead without saying anything, and he doesn't need to. I want to enjoy this moment in silence. Sleep reaches me quickly. I turn around and Heinrich wraps his arms around me, and we fall asleep almost instantly.
The next morning.
I feel a fresh breeze on my body, and I start waking from my dream. I can say I slept very well. It had been a very long time since I had a night without nightmares, and it feels good. Daylight hits my eyes. I turn my head and see Heinrich, shirtless, holding a book.
This moment will stay in my memory. First because it's the first time I've ever seen him read a book, but especially because he's shirtless. I think this sight will be engraved in my head.
He turns his head to look at me. I smile at him, but wait… Oh my God, that's right… we did it last night, and if he is naked, that means I am too.
I grab the blanket and hide under it, embarrassed to be like this. He starts laughing.
– Ruth, what are you doing?– Nothing.– Why are you hiding? Come on, show yourself.– No, I don't want to.
I feel his hand grab the blanket and pull it away. Despite all my efforts to hold it, he takes it easily. I cover my face with my hands.
– You know, you don't need to hide.– I know, but it embarrasses me. The fact that you saw me like that makes me uncomfortable.– Ahh come on, I loved seeing you like that. I thought it was incredible.– Yeah, sure. Can you turn around please?– You know I've already seen everything?– Turn around, ugh.– Fine.
I quickly get out of the room and grab a dress. Before he can get out of bed, I'm already running to Suzanne's to tell her everything.