The penis monster (Mr Dummura's Penis) lay slumped against the cold floor, twitching faintly, utterly spent after unleashing a big, heroic load. Its once-proud form now looked deflated—like a balloon that had seen too much joy and too little restraint. It was quite the enigma why men—or the disembodied penises of men (I assumed this one was from a man)—always got so tired and drowsy after sex or after, well… releasing their life's essence into the void. Science, I guess.
Elise—Raven Dementia Bloodrose—watched the little creature dripping with cum and couldn't help but wonder how it managed that… It didn't even have hands to jerk itself off.
It looked slippy, so if she pounced and grabbed it now, it might slip out of her hands… She needed spiky gloves or something—miner gloves, maybe—but that might be a little cruel. Still, some weird men would probably find that sexy and get off on it.
She could see Chad's odd friend Bishop panicking—not with his sister this time—mumbling to himself, "I don't want a baby!! I'm too young for this!" as he tapped frantically on his phone.
Not wanting a baby? This ugly guy actually got a girl pregnant? Wow… if a kid wasn't part of the plan, maybe knocking women up wasn't the best idea. Who in their right mind would go for this mess? Snot dripped from his nose, redder than Rudolf's, and overall… just vile.
Some girls had low standards, sure—but this? This was the Mariana Trench of pathetic—the absolute shit-end of the gene pool.
Fingers flew like tiny, panicked hammers as he muttered, "Time… time to find out the truth… to see if I have a baby or twins or whatever." His face was pale, eyes wide, darting between screen and floor, lips trembling as if the fate of the universe rested on those tiny pixels.
From the shadows, Elise watched, far more interested in the spectacle than the penis monster she'd been chasing. Typical girl behaviour—distracted by a phone—but not just any distraction. This was second-person phone addiction.
"Stupid… stupid app won't work!" came the next yell, fingers tapping relentlessly.
Eyes glinting in the dim light, she noticed the intensity. The phone wasn't just being tapped—it was being attacked like he'd lost at a game—Or maybe a cyber-pet game, fussing over baby pets. He hadn't actually got a girl pregnant—right? That would explain a lot.
"Ah ah!!" he yelled, half-sobbing, half-hyperventilating. "They put the main induction on pages sixty-seven to sixty-nine… It's finally time to see what I wanted to see!!"
From the shadows, Elise stared, bewildered. "Why did he yell? What is he doing?"
Glancing left and right with exaggerated caution, he looked like he was plotting a heist. Was someone about to get their locker raided? Even worse…
A sudden motion by the lockers made Elise's eyes go wide—he was whipping out his dick!!
Has he found some porn or hentai on his phone, or is this some full-on cry-wank meltdown?
His crooked bishop (dick) was now fully out—dangling awkwardly while he held his phone in front of him like a shield. "Better not do it here."
Yes! Don't—don't do it there! Have some decency! Jeez! Elise's mind raced.
He dropped his phone on the floor and mumbled, "If I did this test holding my phone in front of me, wrist at maximum elevation… it would've all splashed… all over me. Statistically speaking, I avoided drenching my clothes… which, honestly, was a victory. Genius-level quick thinking, if I do say so myself."
What was he talking about now?
He gave his dick a quick rub-a-dub and a frantic tommy tug, and then… it all came out…
TSSSSHHH-SPLASH!!
SPLOOSH-BRRRRAP!!
A torrent of urine erupted EVERYWHERE—drenching his phone, splashing over his shoes, and soaking the bottom lockers, the urine even seeping into the tiny slots where people slid their love letters.
Elise, standing in the shadows, watched the scene with a mix of disgust and curiosity. She had never seen anyone—or anything—behave in such a manner before.
She watched as Bishop… released a massive spray of urine everywhere, soaking his phone, shoes, and bottom lockers.
"What the hell is he doing?" she whispered, her eyes wide with shock and curiosity… and a hint of morbid fascination. This whole situation was so bizarre it seemed almost unreal. She stepped closer, trying to make sense of it all.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZT-CRACKLE!!
His phone, drenched in urine, convulsed in his hands, sparks crackling and hissing like tiny electric fireflies. The screen flickered violently, a jagged white line slicing across it like a final scream. Then—finally—it gave up with life, shuddering once as if in resignation before plunging into darkness. The display went black, utterly defeated, leaving only the faint smell of burnt circuitry.
"Yes! Yes! Yes!! I saw one line!! I'm not pregnant!
Ha! Take that, silly test!! You don't control me! I can eat all the junk pizza… I can… I can drink all the bottles of Baby Cham I want and get totally plastered… I can vape every flavour under the sun… cucumber, ice cream, whatever… I can do literally anything! Oh man, this is the best day ever!!"
Elise stared, utterly dumbfounded, as Bishop celebrated, fists pumping and shouting like he'd just won the lottery.
No way… did… did this guy seriously just celebrate not being pregnant? Did he actually think that was even possible? I mean… he was a guy… How the hell could he be pregnant? "Didn't HE remember sex ed?" I remembered all those diagrams of the female anatomy, the teacher going on about eggs and sperm, and how nothing magically works the other way around… how could he completely forget all of that? And where the heck would the baby even come out of him… out of his butt? Does he not understand sex at all? Does he not know anything?
And that thing on his phone… it was a pregnancy test app where you had to pee all over your phone?! I know they have apps for literally everything, but this… this was insane… There was no way it could work.
Could you even imagine taking that into the Apple Store and explaining why it was broken?
'Uh… I think I peed all over the circuit boards…' And the employees… they'd probably have to suit up in full hazmat gear, grab a flamethrower, and just incinerate this evil abomination of a phone.
It really sucked for retail employees—customers would try to return anything. Soiled panties, used tampons caked in blood, socks stiff with jizz like little ironing boards, used condoms slick with heck-knows-what… Some even tried to return food they'd already chewed, teeth marks and all, claiming they didn't like the flavour.
Bishop, meanwhile, seemed blissfully oblivious to any semblance of normalcy. Finally, he grabbed his bag, stuffed his drenched phone inside, and gave one last triumphant fist pump. "Alright… class awaits! Time to learn some actual stuff instead of just celebrating genius victories!" He bolted down the hallway, leaving a trail of chaotic energy, wet footprints, and Elise still blinking in stunned silence.
Shaking her head at this ludicrous scene, she muttered to herself, This guy is beyond help. Completely, hopelessly, utterly lost to his delusions. She leaned against the wall, crossing her arms as she listened. Whatever… let him have his moment. The poor fool…
Anyway, where did Mister Penis Monster go? Did Bishop and his pregnancy test scare it away?
I couldn't see it around any longer, but I had something… to make it come… to… me.