Chapter 80: The Ego of the Archive
With the budget overflow from Chapter 79 came a new, 100% unintended side effect: Grandeur. At 08:00 Cycles, the Bureau's excess "Narrative Capital" solidified in the center of the Grand Lobby. It didn't manifest as better filing cabinets or ergonomic chairs; it became a fifteen-foot-tall Giant Silver Statuette of Ne Job.
It was magnificent. It was polished. And at 08:05, it blinked.
"Commissioner," Assistant Yue buzzed, her sensors retreating into her chassis. "THE. NEW. BUDGET. HAS. ACCIDENTALLY. FUNDED. A. 'SELF-AGGRANDIZING. MANIFESTATION'. IT. POSSESSES. 100%. OF. YOUR. AUTHORITY. BUT. 0%. OF. YOUR. HUMILITY."
The Icon Takes Command
The Statue, which referred to itself as "The Iconic Ne Job," didn't walk so much as it "posed" across the lobby. Its silver plume was three feet long and sharper than a broadsword.
"Greetings, Lesser Narrative Elements!" the Statue boomed, its voice sounding like a choir of trumpets. "I have reviewed Section C-7. It is too... cluttered. Too many small details. From now on, we shall only archive Epic Deeds and Glorious Victories. I have decided to delete all trajectories involving librarians, middle-managers, and anyone who wears beige."
"You can't do that!" Ne Job shouted, looking up at his own giant, metallic chin. "The 'And' lives in the small details! If you only file the 'Epic,' the universe will become a 1,000-page action sequence with no heart!"
The 7.5% Vanity Project
The Iconic Ne Job ignored him. It snapped its silver fingers, and Architect Ao Bing was suddenly compelled to build a "Triumphal Arch" over the water cooler.
"I can't stop!" Ao Bing wailed, his golden measuring rod moving on its own. "The Statue's ego is creating a Gravitational Pull of Self-Importance! I'm being forced to build a monument to his left ear!"
The Muse's hair turned a pale, sickly silver. "Ne Job, he's absorbing all the 'Relatability' in the Bureau! If he stays in charge, we'll all become Unreachable Archetypes!"
The Battle of the Brushes
Ne Job realized that you couldn't out-shout a giant icon. You had to Humanize it.
"Pip! The wrench! Give me the 'Common Cold'! Junior, get the 'Box of Average Problems'!"
Ne Job didn't attack the Statue. He used the Semicolon to create a bridge between the "Iconic" and the "Ordinary." He KA-CHUNKED a series of 7.5% Flaws directly onto the Statue's pristine silver base:
An overdue library book.
A slight coffee stain on the lapel.
The memory of that time Ne Job tripped in Chapter 12.
The Tarnishing of the Great
As the "Ordinary" touched the "Iconic," the Statue began to shudder. The silver didn't break; it Tarnished. The "Epic Glow" was replaced by the dull, comfortable gray of a working day.
"What is this?" the Statue gasped, its voice losing its trumpeting quality and becoming 100% raspy. "I feel... relatable! I feel the urge to... complain about the air conditioning! My grandeur is being diluted by Authenticity!"
"That's the 'And,' you oversized paperweight!" Ne Job yelled. "You aren't a god; you're an Employee!"
The Return to the Pedestal
Unable to handle the weight of "Everyday Stress," the Iconic Ne Job stiffened and returned to being a non-sentient (though still slightly smug) statue. The Triumphal Arch over the water cooler turned back into a simple wooden frame.
LOG: CHAPTER 80 SUMMARY.
STATUS: Ego contained. Statuette neutralized.
NOTE: I've repurposed the statue as a 7.5% scale coat-rack. Its outstretched arm is perfect for my hat.
OBSERVATION: When you become too big for your own story, you stop being a character and start being a landmark. Landmarks don't get to have coffee breaks.
P.S.: Pip is still using the giant boots as a nap-pod. They say the 'Iconic' felt surprisingly hollow.
The Muse leaned over his shoulder, her hair back to its electric-neon blue. "You know, for a second there, I thought the statue was more 'You' than you are."
Ne Job looked at the Semicolon. It was glowing with a grounded, humble violet.
"The statue was a 'Period,' Muse," Ne Job said. "I'm the 'Semicolon.' I keep the sentence going. Now, why is Assistant Yue sounding a 7.5% alarm and why has a Giant Silver Window appeared in the floor, showing The Architect's Perfect City, and why is it currently Floating Away?"