I am seeing my torn sleeve now. I need to hide it from Mama. I immediately change my uniform and wear my night pajamas, then go to the dining area to have my dinner. I am quite shocked about whatever happened today. I don't know if I hadn't run at the correct time, what would have happened to me? I keep thinking about it while walking toward my bedroom after dinner.
Then suddenly, I saw my phone it's showing 28th October, and it's almost 11:00 p.m. How could I forget this? You don't know what sin I was going to commit. No, no I can't! After one hour, it's my Cǎoméi xiānsheng's birthday the best day ever, soon to arrive within less than an hour. It's your first birthday since I've known you. I really don't know how much time I have and what will happen in the future, but the only thing I know is that I love you until Zhao Shiza takes her last breath. That's all I really want to say to you.
The happiness about your birthday makes me forget everything that happened today, because it's totally worth it. I know you don't know and you'll never be able to know that I can bear everything, every pain, every scar on me. No matter what happens to me, if it's for you, then I'm ready to break myself. You don't know, you really don't. While doing these confessions, tears fall from my eyes like they're meant to be. I'm so unlucky that you're not made for me… so unlucky.
But why? Every time I ask myself, if you're not made for me and our paths will never cross, then why do I feel this way? This feeling is making me crazy. I know I need to control my emotions; I need to stand like nothing has happened but how can I make my heart understand that? It's not listening, no matter how much I try to explain. Everything seems worthless.
You know, Cǎoméi xiānsheng, whenever I close my eyes, I see you—your bright face, as bright as the sun, pushing me toward light and peace. Your attractive eyes, your mesmerizing smile, your charming personality, and your thick, soft hair that always falls on your forehead, making you look even more charismatic. While saying all this, I forgot that I was crying before, and now I'm smiling like an idiot. How helpless I am.
You're always like this to me, Cǎoméi xiānsheng first, your thoughts make me sad because of the harsh reality that we'll never be together. But then, those same thoughts make me smile again, like I've forgotten everything like the world doesn't even exist, and I'm just living in my dream. And I really don't want to come out of it. If this is a dream, then I don't want to wake up from it.
I smiled while saying all this, then remembered oh, it's 11:25 p.m.! It's about to start. I don't know what you're doing right now, but I'm more excited for your birthday than you are. Then I took out the photo frame from my school bag the one from which all the chaos started.
Oh, my poor little heart, please be gentle on me. I can't handle all this at the young age of 17. Think about me a little more. This photo frame looks so beautiful; it feels like you're standing right in front of me, looking at me closely. Everything paid offall the hard work, skipping classes, everything for you, anything. I know this one-sided love story will always remain only with me. No one will ever know about it. But still, still I love you. Don't ask why, even I don't know the reason.
Stop it, Zhao Shiza, what are you doing, girl? It's 12:00 a.m., the next day has started it's 29th October! Then I immediately put the photo frame on my study table, lit a white candle, sat on my knees, and started praying for him. "Wherever I go, you live in me. No matter how many years pass, my love for you will never die. I promise no one will ever touch me except you, my Xu Yuan."
I know I'm not with you, but I really hope you'll get all the happiness and success in your life. May you have a long, healthy life. May you smile more and look even more handsome. I hope that on your next birthday, I'll be there with you, standing beside you. But I know it's never going to happen.
At last, but not least Shēngrì kuàilè, Xu Yuan. I kissed his photo frame it's our first kiss and blushed a little. Then I said to myself, "Now go to bed." After completing his birthday prayer, I went to bed and fell into a deep, relaxing sleep. After all that happened today, it was like a roller coaster ride but finally, a sigh of relief. I murmured in my sleep, "Your birthday really brings joy to me. See, the day has just started, and it already feels so calm and peaceful just like you."