Fearing for the safety of my balls, I greet Jee from a distance.
"You know I'll never trade you down for him right?" I whisper while nuzzling him from behind. And he sighs "don't think I've forgotten you calling Matt cute right in front of my face" I slap his ass "pay back's a bitch, bitch"
Dinner is awesome, CC made some fancy french chicken (or the recipe was french, who knows) with baked potatoes and apple celery salad.
We are now having the chocolate mousse cheesecake we brought, when the kids finally approach the subject we were all avoiding.
"I can believe you finally arrested those two assholes!!" JC was grinning ear to ear. Really happy with his dad "Were they crying?? Please tell me they were crying!!" He is beaming, what a petty asshole, I feel like a proud uncle, weird.
"Yeah" that's sullen JJ sort of recriminating Jee "you should have taken them down a long time ago"
"Why?" Fel puts his cheesecake down "What did they do??" He is in lawyer mode, and I kind of like how he is getting protective of my friend's kids. I love him so fuckin much.
And now they're all looking at JC, he is looking at his plate.
Fel puts a hand on his shoulder "what did they do?" Asks softly.
Oh fuck, JC is getting smaller "nothing much really, it's just... They are really mean, and they're always calling me names" so those big assholes have been bullying this sweet thirteen year old? No wonder he now looks terrified. I need to break a few bones.
"And..." Fel does a better job than me at hiding it, but he's just as pissed.
"They're really bad names..." Aww his eyes are getting shiny.
"And that's it? They called you names" JC nods with his head.
"Awww sweety" Fel swatts at his shoulder "look at me" he is beaming in all his glam up splendor "if they call you names, you call them worse, you hear me"
Deer meet headlights "but they'll bit me"
"And that's perfect, because if they do, we will send them to jail for hate crime and aggravated assault on a minor" and he lets that sink in "but that's only if they hit you, little guys with little dicks like them are all bark, so they're going to threaten you first, and when they do, you'll be in your full legal rights to defend yourself"
Fel stands up, and makes me stand in front of him "what you'll do is this" he fake punches me in the balls and I drop to the floor "and while they're down squirming, you heel kick them in the guts, the point is to not let them breath"
"Stop! Stop right there!" I shout "You will not teach him how to break fingers!"
And now he looks offended "once! I did that once! So could you just forget about it already! Although that will send a clear message" he looks pensive now. Me and my big fuckin mouth.
"You broke a guys fingers??" JJ sound in awe.
"Five fingers, the whole hand" I jump in, cause that memory always gets my juices going "and it wasn't once, they were five guys, that sets up a modus operandi"
Fel huffes fake offended "it was in one fight so it only counts as once" he looks at the kids that are hero worshipping him "oh don't look at me like I'm some kind of cheap mobster or something, I don't go around breaking fingers whenever I feel like it, ok?" and he looks at me kind of pissed. "And it needs to happen in three different events for it to be set as a modus operandi, I only did it once!"
"So you went on a finger breaking spree?" Jee is hero worshipping him just as hard as his kids.
"Well" the bastard looks smug "I needed to send a message, and it worked didn't it? They never came bothering you again" he winks at me, sexy bastard!
"Aww you fought five guys protecting your man, that's so romantic" even CC?
"I change my vote " JJ yells "dad you have to choose Fel"
"What da fuck you little traidor!! I was fighting right there by his side, you know?"
He looks at me doubtful, the little asshole "did you break any fingers?"
"Well. No, but I've done a lot worse, promise"
Jee and CC just start laughing like I've just told the best joke ever. "Sure you've done hun" she turns to Jee "remember when you two had a fight?"
JJ is over himself "you two fought each other?"
While Jee dry his tears "oh yep, we were about your age, in the middle of the school yard, surrounded by everyone and he goes all fist are the first resort for the stupid and brainless" he is cackling again "and then he gets on my face and said really really low so that no one can hear him punch me and probe to her that I'm right, and I wanted to punch him so bad!!"
"Oh don't give me that look" I tell to Fel "I was young, I had just read Gandhi, it was a fase, I grow out of it eventually. Besides, it worked didn't it?" I smug look at Jee "you walked away, and I got the girl"
"You guys fought over a girl?" and that's what shocked JC.
"Well..." No Jee, don't do it man, please don't "he was your mother's boyfriend"
Gasps all around the table, three pairs of little beady eyes throwing daggers at me. CC is giggling that traitorous bitch.
Gods damnit, Fel is really pissed "that's not true babe, you're my one and only I promise"
"Excuse me?!?!" Fuck not now CC, fuck, fuck it all. "We were officially a couple for like three years" more gasps. Damnit.
"You take that back!" I point at the witch "I never even touched you!" I turn back to my man "not a single hair, promise. Our is my first relationship ever, I didn't lie, really" I turn around considering to start a bonfire to burn a witch "we were never in a relationship, we just told people that, cause you wanted to make Jee jealous" and they're laughing, the assholes are destroying my future marriage and loling on me. Well... Fel is starting to crack a smile, so I'll allow it.