JAY-JAY POV
The room was quiet again. Section E had left. Percy's celery stalk sat on the windowsill like a sentry. Keifer hadn't moved.
The silence wasn't peaceful. It was the kind that pressed against your ribs. The kind that made you feel like something was about to break.
I stared at the ceiling. Then at him. Then at the IV drip still trailing into my arm.
"Tell me," I said.
He looked up. Eyes tired. Jaw tight.
"Tell you what?"
"What the doctor really said."
He hesitated. Too long. Too careful.
"Keifer."
He sighed. Rubbed his face. Then nodded.
"She said once we start, we can't stop." His voice was low. Like he didn't want the words to exist.
"She said it'll hurt. A lot. That it'll test your body more than anything else ever has."
I swallowed. Waited.
"And she said…" He looked at me. Finally. "Twenty-five percent chance you'll make it."
The words didn't hit like a slap. They landed like a weight. Heavy. Expected. Still awful.
I didn't flinch. I didn't cry. I just nodded.
"Okay."
He blinked. "Okay?"
"I already knew," I said. "I just needed to hear it from you."
He reached for my hand. Held it like it was the only thing keeping him grounded.
"I hate that number," he whispered.
"I hate that it's real," I whispered back.
We sat in silence. Not the kind that hurts. The kind that holds.
I turned toward the nightstand. Grabbed the notebook Percy had left behind. The one with glitter on the cover and a sticker that said "Emergency Chaos Log."
I flipped to a blank page. Picked up the pen. Started writing.
Things I Want to Survive For:
Keifer's hoodie (I still owe him one)Percy's funeral playlist (I need to veto half of it)Ci-n's vending machine joke (I need to understand it)Areis pretending not to care (he does)Jare's eye-rolls (they're comforting now)Captain CrunchlessThe way Keifer looks at me like I'm the sunThe way I want to believe him
I paused. Stared at the list. Then added one more.
Me. Just… me.
Keifer leaned over. Read it. Didn't say anything.
Then he kissed the top of my head. Soft. Careful. Like I was something fragile and holy.
"You're gonna make it," he whispered.
I didn't answer. But I held the notebook close. Like it was armor. Like it was proof. Like it was mine.
I added a tenth item. Quietly. Without letting him see.
The part of me that still wants to live. Even when it hurts.
Keifer didn't ask what the last item was.
Didn't try to peek.
He just sat there, thumb brushing over my knuckles like it was a promise.
I stared at the list.
At my handwriting.
At the way it shook in places.
I hated that.
The tremble.
The weakness.
The proof.
But I didn't cross it out.
Didn't rewrite it.
Didn't tear the page.
Because it was mine.
Because it was honest.
Because it was the first time I'd admitted I wanted to live for me.
Not for Keifer.
Not for Percy's chaos.
Not for Section E's noise.
Not even for the war I was fighting inside my own body.
Just… me.
I closed the notebook.
Set it on the tray beside the bed.
Let it sit there like a declaration.
Keifer shifted beside me. "Do you want me to stay?"
I looked at him.
At the hoodie I'd ruined.
At the boy who hadn't left my side since this all started.
"Yeah," I said. "Just… don't talk."
He smiled. "Done."
We sat in silence.
The good kind this time.
The kind that doesn't press.
The kind that lets you breathe.
Outside, the sky was starting to lighten.
Sunrise. Dose two was coming.
I could feel it in my bones.
In the way my body braced.
In the way my breath caught.
I didn't want to do it again. But I would.
Because I had a list. Because I had a hand in mine. Because I had something to prove.
I reached for the notebook again. Flipped to the next page. Wrote in big, shaky letters:
I want to live.
Keifer saw it. Didn't say anything. Just leaned his forehead against mine.
"I'll remind you," he whispered. "Every time you forget."
I closed my eyes. Let the words settle. Let the fear crawl back into its corner.
Because I was scared. But I wasn't alone.
And for now— That was enough.