He didn't move or say anything for a while; he just continued to glare at me. My body trembled under the intensity of it, the weight of his gaze feeling heavier than the fever. He slowly opened his mouth, his voice dropping an octave.
"Are you saying… It's all my fault?" he asked in a deep, dangerously even tone.
Usually, by this point, both Mother and Father would be yelling at me from the tops of their lungs. The fact that Big Brother didn't shout gave me a fearful sense of comfort. Like the forced calm before the storm. I tried saying something back, but Big Brother interrupted me before the words could even form in my head.
"You said how I've been lying this whole time. You know what, you're right, I have been."
He put both his hands in the air in a mocking gesture of surrender as he began walking towards me. I couldn't help but flinch with each step he took, the narrow walls of the hallway suddenly feeling like they were closing in.
"But you know what separates me from you? It's the fact that I don't ask, nor do I criticize you when you do it."
By the time he finished talking, he was only a couple of steps away.
*PAIN*
You… who do you think you are? Are you trying to bring me down to your level?! I AM NOTHING LIKE YOU!!!
I closed the distance between us until he was in arm's reach. My hand shot towards the collar of his shirt and pulled him forward, forcing him just a few inches away from my face. I clenched my teeth, trying to formulate a defence—but the words spat out of me the moment he was close enough for me to smell the cold air radiating off his coat.
"Are you trying to say that I am like you?! Don't make me laugh, Big Brother! I'm the only one who's been trying to maintain our relationship throughout the years!"
Big Brother let out a hollow laugh and shook his head. He covered his face as he tried to calm himself down, but the laughter wouldn't stop. It sounded jagged, like breaking glass.
*PAIN*
You… think this is funny?! Are you just gonna laugh in my face like this is all a joke? You're sick!
"You! What do you think is so funny?! Are you even taking me seriously???" I hissed through clenched teeth.
His laughter died down until an uncomfortable silence enveloped us. The hands that had been covering Big Brother's face slowly fell—revealing a smile. My whole body tensed.
Wh-what is that?!
It wasn't his teasing smile, nor was it his cold, detached smile. Instead, it was as if his whole mouth was a gaping, all-enveloping black.
I instinctively let go of his collar and went to take a hurried step back—but his hand bolted forward and grabbed mine. Unlike me, he didn't pull me closer to him; he just kept me from running away.
"You wanna know why I think this is so funny?" he whispered, the sound slicing like a wispy blade over my skin.
Shivers ran through my spine. I tried pulling back, but his grip tightened like a vice. "It's the fact that you are just like me—a liar."
I couldn't help but scoff. "Me? Just like you? You've gotta be kidding–"
"The first time you did it was the day I did your hair during my first year of middle school."
My mouth shut. When he did my hair… That was the day when I did my hair, trying to impress Mom, but she said it was bad and tried to fix the whole thing from scratch. But what did I lie about that day…
*PAIN*
The memory hit me with the force of a physical blow. My eyes went wide, scenes of the past flashing in my mind.
It was true that I was sad about my hair, but what really scared me… was the thought of losing my Big Brother. And what did I do? I… I hid it from him. I pretended everything was fine. I lied to keep the peace.
A gasp escaped my lips.
I had been playing this game for just as long as he had.
*PAIN*
I lifted my free hand and grasped my eye, clutching the ends of my bangs, trying to deny the truth that lay in front of me.
Is this… all my fault? No, NONONO! Everything, all the way from back then– it was all me…
*PAIN*
But no matter how hard I tried, I would always be forced to see the world through my other one.
I've hidden things from him, too. Ever since that day, I've stopped talking to him, too!
*PAIN*
No… It's because he started it! I wouldn't have learned to do this if he weren't doing it all the time. I just ripped a page out of his book! I just… didn't want to lose him! Is it so wrong to lie if it means being able to be his little sister just for a little longer?!
I grabbed his hand and pried it open, freeing myself from his grasp. He staggered slightly, his balance as fragile as my own. Taking advantage of that opportunity, I pushed him away. He stumbled back a bit before regaining his footing. He whipped his head towards me with an ugly scowl.
When I saw the look of hurt in his eyes, I felt a smirk creep up my lips. It was a cruel, disgusting feeling of victory—the same kind of satisfaction I bet Mother got when she successfully "helped" us.
"Did that make you mad? That's what you deserve, you shitty Brother."
My Bro—Big Brother froze. His face contorted through a multitude of emotions—shock, betrayal, and a deep, raw despair. He tried saying something back, but his words came out in an incoherent stammer. Eventually, he gave up and leaned against the wall—the same one I had. He lowered his head, took a deep, shuddering breath, then raised it once more to face me.
When I saw the look on his face, a pang of guilt pierced my heart. A genuinely upset frown creased his face, his lips trembled as he struggled to contain his emotions, and his eyes had this look of softness that I haven't seen from him in a long time—not since we were both kids. Is he… crying?
A shuddered breath rang in my ears. Holy shit… I messed up. I clutched my chest as I struggled to push the words out.
"I-I'm so–"
Before I could even finish my sentence, Big Brother spoke over me in a voice devoid of any love for the first time in my life.
"If I'm such a shitty Brother… then you can fuck off, lil si—Lily."