It's been a while since I've been here. Not much has changed, same as always. I would be here more often if it weren't that far from my apartment. Then again, this comic store carries not only comics, but also manga of all genres. So I suppose the trip here is worth it every time. Even more worth it this time because I'm on a mission. A very important one.
I head further inside, thanking the stars that the store is empty. Because if somebody saw what I'm about to do, I don't think I'd be able to live it down. With my hood pulled down, I come to a halt at the aisle I've never really looked at before. The boys-love manga section.
Geez, this store has a whole shelf dedicated to boys-love manga and I only just found out. Now I'm feeling somewhat anxious. I could always just turn around and head a few rows back, where my fantasy and action manga are. No, I can't. I promised myself I was going to go through with this. So, no backing down now.
My eyes skim over the rows of manga and my jaw grows slack. Is it normal that most of these covers are… so vulgar? Most of the dudes on these covers are half-naked! I stare harder and almost gasp. Okay, this guy is just surrounded by tentacles! Is that even still considered as BL?
I shake my head, trying to focus on the task at hand. All I need is at least one somewhat normal manga out of all of these ridiculous ones. It might be impossible to say the least. Or maybe not. My gaze falls on a particular manga. Two boys on the cover and by the looks of it, it's a school setting. I pick it up and take a quick glance at the synopsis. I release a breath of relief. The story sounds wholesome enough and this will be good for my research.
I arrive back home and cringe at the sight of my living room. It's a mess in here, clothes scattered everywhere and my laptop is still on. I shake my head as I see the taps I left open. Multiple results of various "Am I gay tests" stare back at me and I feel embarrassed all over again. The first test tells me I'm bisexual, the second one says I'm leaning towards gay. And for some reason, one of these websites tells me I'm lesbian?!
I'm well aware that these sorts of online quizzes aren't accurate, but I couldn't stop myself. I needed answers, a confirmation… anything. I've never been so confused in my life and I'm hesitant to talk to Luke about all of this.
I don't think Blake is just a friend to me anymore and that thought alone scares me. I don't even know if what I'm feeling is real. What I do know is that I don't want to see or even think of Blake being close with someone on an intimate level. I came to that realization thanks to Jayson. It hit me so hard when he invited Blake to a mixer event after I had refused. If Blake finds someone, where does that leave me then? It sounds pathetic, but I don't want him to spend time with someone other than me. My stomach churns at the idea of somebody else taking all his time and attention. The sickening understanding that I would be devastated if Blake kissed someone else with those lips. I don't like it. God, I hate it.
My initial reaction to those thoughts of mine was disbelief and slight aversion. I still can't wrap my head around the idea that I might… most definitely be attracted to Blake. I've never felt like this towards any guy before, but he's different. A kind of different that I can't explain.
I wasn't in my right mind when I signed up for a morning class this semester. I'm so tired and my feet are about to give out as I walk to the lecture hall. I barely got any sleep last night. I ended up overthinking for nothing and simply came to the conclusion that I don't have to have everything figured out yet. I didn't even get the chance to read the manga yet.
The wind gets knocked out of me and a sudden weight on my back makes me stumble. I whip my head around, my heart hammering in my chest.
"Charlie, my guy!" Louis practically yells into my ear. "You're taking this class too?"
"Yeah. Morning to you too." I say with a snort. I honestly can't believe he's this hyper at eight o'clock. As a matter of fact, Louis is always chipper no matter what time it is. It would be weirder if he weren't.
"Yeah yeah, good morning." he smiles and finally gets off me as we take a seat. "You're not with Blake this time?"
I shake my head. "He doesn't have any lectures today and he's planning to go to the gym later."
"Damn, you know everything about him, huh?"
I tilt my head away, blushing ever so slightly.
Louis leans back, making himself comfortable, while I grab my scattered notes from my bag. I'm a total mess and I'm not even trying to hide it anymore.
"You know," Louis speaks up, getting my attention. "You and Blake are really close. Like really really close."
"Yeah, thanks." I smile sheepishly.
"I didn't mean that in a good way."
I tense up at the sudden seriousness in his voice. "What do you mean?"
Louis clears his throat. "I mean that it doesn't look good, you know? Two guys always really buddy-buddy with each other… people might get the wrong idea. And it's generally just weird, no?"
Weird…? A sudden chill washes over me, knots forming in my chest.
"But that's just what I see, bro. Girlfriends don't like it when we're too close with another guy. Learnt it the hard way." Louis cuts in, his usual playfulness returning.
"Blake has a girlfriend?" I ask, barely keeping my voice from cracking.
Louis shakes his head. "But it's only a matter of time before he has one. Just saying. Girls constantly ask for his number."
He's right. Someone as amazing as Blake will definitely get into a relationship in no time. God, I'm so selfish. Who am I to get in the way of that? No matter how much he means to me. Or how much I want him for myself. I'm not the judge of that. A chilling realization sets in. I want him to be happy, even if it means I might not be part of it in the future.