Finding one small person in the bustling chaos of Gaojia Village was like finding a specific grain of rice in a wedding feast.
Li Daoxuan searched high, searched low, searched sideways. Half an hour later, he finally spotted her.
That little troublemaker Gao Yiye was up to no good at the village entrance.
At the edge of Gaojia Village, where the cement road connected to Zheng Family Village, sat a hulking figure gazing eastward with the focus of a hunting dog. Gao Chuwu had planted himself there like a boulder with feelings.
The man looked like he was trying to will someone into existence through sheer longing.
Gao Yiye tiptoed up behind him, leaned in close, and unleashed a deafening "WAAAAH!" directly into his ear.
"GYAAA!" Gao Chuwu launched sideways like he'd been catapulted.
Unfortunately, "sideways" led straight into the drainage ditch—a two-foot-deep concrete channel that collected runoff when Dao Xuan Tianzun made it rain.
Gao Chuwu tumbled in with all the grace of a drunken bear, rolling through mud until he resembled a rejected pottery project.
He sat up, face caked in wet earth, sputtering. "WHO?! Who has a death wish?!"
"Chuwu-ge, it's me!" Gao Yiye was doubled over cackling.
"Aiya, Yiye?!" Gao Chuwu wiped mud from his eyes. "You're eighteen years old! When are you gonna stop pulling this crap?"
"When it stops being funny." Gao Yiye grinned. "So, what are we doing? Waiting for Sister Xing to come home?"
Gao Chuwu hauled himself out of the ditch with wounded dignity. "Yeah. Honglang's making the test voyage—visiting home, hauling back grain supplies. When she gets back..." His muddy face split into a lovesick grin. "We're getting married. Hehe."
"Honglang?" Gao Yiye's eyebrows shot up. "My my, so affectionate! What happened to 'Miss Xing'?"
Gao Chuwu's grin widened to alarming proportions. "That's what strangers call her. When she's your wife, you get the good nicknames."
Gao Yiye smirked. "You're really this desperate to get hitched, huh? Sitting here like a garden statue? Keep it up and pigeons are gonna nest in your hair."
"Anyone would be desperate!"
"Daniu-ge wouldn't be."
"Psh!" Gao Chuwu scoffed. "That walking stomach? Daniu only thinks about food."
"Who's only thinking about food?!"
Zheng Daniu's head popped up over the nearby hillside. One leap later he was in Gao Chuwu's face, looking deeply offended. "I knew it was you! You woman-obsessed fool—what would you know about the profound pleasures of eating?"
Before Gao Chuwu could respond, a voice called out from down the road.
"Daniu! DANIU! Come on, I'm treating you to braised rabbit!"
Zheng Daniu's entire demeanor transformed instantly. "WHAT?! You're buying?!"
Zao Ying laughed. "Obviously—you're always broke!"
"ON MY WAY!" Daniu was already moving.
He sprinted over like his life depended on it. Zao Ying—who looked more like a fellow soldier than a potential love interest—threw her arm around his shoulders in a casual headlock and dragged him off. Within seconds they'd vanished around the corner, Daniu already arguing that roasted was better than braised.
Gao Yiye gestured at their retreating figures. "See? That's strategy, Chuwu-ge. Daniu doesn't chase women at all. Women chase him with premium food. Much smoother operation than whatever you're doing."
"That's completely different!" Gao Chuwu protested. "Zao Ying looks like a military drill sergeant! No man's lining up for that, so she's gotta reverse-hunt. But my Honglang?" He puffed up proudly. "She's a genuine, certified, world-class beauty!"
"Pfft—" Gao Yiye nearly choked.
Up in the clouds, Li Daoxuan made a strangled sound. "World-class? Is he—is he blind?"
Right on cue, a public solar bus rumbled up the road, loaded to the brim. A woman who could've passed for a dockworker stuck her head out the window and hollered, "Chuwu! I'm back!"
"HONGLANG!" Gao Chuwu's face lit up like someone had just told him he'd won the lottery.
The bus screeched to a stop at the village station. Xing Honglang—all angles, zero curves, built like she could bench-press a horse—vaulted out the door. Her forty-two subordinates filed out behind her, took one look at the situation, and immediately scattered like they'd spotted an incoming meteor.
Nobody wanted front-row seats to this.
Xing Honglang strode toward Gao Chuwu, grinning.
Gao Chuwu bounded toward her like an oversized puppy.
When they were about three feet apart, something truly horrifying happened.
They both stopped. Extended their arms forward in unison. Made intense eye contact.
"Honglang!"
"Chuwu!"
They held this pose for one agonizing second—arms outstretched like the world's worst interpretive dance—then simultaneously stepped forward and thwumped into an embrace.
Gao Yiye's mouth fell open.
The salt smugglers suddenly found the ground extremely interesting.
The bus driver stared at his steering wheel like it held the secrets of the universe.
Up above, Li Daoxuan wanted to claw his own eyes out. "WHEN DID THEY REHEARSE THIS ABOMINATION?! Who taught them this move?!"
Gao Yiye jumped, looking skyward. "Dao Xuan Tianzun?! How long have you been watching?!"
"Too long. Far, far too long." Li Daoxuan sounded traumatized. "I need to go boil my eyeballs."
"I swear I didn't know they'd gotten this bad," Gao Yiye said weakly.
The hug continued. Ten seconds. Twenty. Thirty. A full goddamn minute of public affection before they finally separated—still holding hands, both glowing like they'd achieved enlightenment.
Gao Chuwu beamed. "Honglang! How'd it go back home?"
The glow vanished from Xing Honglang's face like someone had dumped cold water on her. "Not good. Really not good. I need to find Sanshi'er and the Saintess to discuss—"
"Discuss what with me?" Gao Yiye called out.
Xing Honglang went rigid. "The Saintess is HERE?!"
"Yep! Hi! Right here! Don't let me interrupt your... whatever that was."
"NO!" Xing Honglang dropped Gao Chuwu's hand like it had burst into flames, arms windmilling in full panic mode. "That's not—it wasn't—he lunged at me! I tried to dodge but he's too fast! I couldn't escape! He used brute force and I fought back for a full minute before breaking free! Then he grabbed my hand and I had to pry it off—"
"Yep, that's exactly what happened," Gao Yiye said with a completely straight face. "Dao Xuan Tianzun saw the whole thing too."
"DAO XUAN TIANZUN SAW?!"
Li Daoxuan gave a little wave. The clouds above rippled.
Xing Honglang went pale as a ghost. "I'm finished. Completely finished. Dao Xuan Tianzun witnessed that and now I have to die from embarrassment."
If you're this easily mortified, maybe don't perform synchronized hugging routines in public, Li Daoxuan thought, but kept it to himself.
Xing Honglang took a shaky breath, desperately trying to regain her composure. "I need to see the Third Steward immediately. The situation in Shanxi is getting worse and we need grain—"
"Hold it." Li Daoxuan's voice cut through the chaos, calm and authoritative. "Yes, that's important. Very important. But."
He paused for maximum effect.
"It's not more important than your wedding. You know the old saying—can't sweep the empire if you can't sweep your own house. How are you supposed to save all of Shanxi when you can't even get your personal life in order? Besides, that ironbird ship needs several days to sell your ten cartloads of grain before returning to the docks anyway. Use that time wisely." Another pause. "Get married first."
Gao Chuwu's face could've powered a small city. "See?! Even Dao Xuan Tianzun agrees! Honglang, let's do it! Once we're married you won't have to be all shy anymore—"
"I'M NOT SHY!" Xing Honglang's face turned the color of a ripe tomato. "And I don't want to marry you, you—you bandit! You woman-snatching criminal!"
"Oh, well." Gao Chuwu's grin turned absolutely wicked. "If you're gonna call me a bandit anyway..."
He lunged forward, hoisted her over his shoulder like a sack of grain, and took off running toward Gaojia Fort at full speed.
"EVERYONE LISTEN UP!" he bellowed at the top of his lungs. "I'VE SUCCESSFULLY KIDNAPPED A WIFE! OFFICIAL WEDDING TOMORROW! ALL BROTHERS INVITED TO WITNESS! HAHAHA!"
Gaojia Village erupted in cheers.
Xing Honglang's increasingly distant protests—"Put me down!" "This doesn't count!" "I'm filing a complaint!"—were completely drowned out by the celebrating crowd.
Li Daoxuan watched them disappear, shaking his head slowly. "I'm going to need a drink before I officiate that wedding."