I died. That's not how I planned to start my day, but life—or whatever cosmic glitch decided to reboot me—clearly had other plans. One second I was eating instant noodles at 2 AM, arguing with my cat over the last slice of cheese, and the next… boom. Blackness, bells, maybe a tiny accordion playing somewhere in the distance. Honestly, I wasn't paying attention.
When I finally opened my eyes, I was standing in the middle of a forest that looked like someone had Photoshopped all the colors to be slightly more magical. Trees shimmered, leaves sparkled like glitter in a middle school art project, and a river nearby ran uphill—because, sure, why not.
"Uh… hello?" I said, waving at literally nothing.
No answer. Typical.
Before I could panic—which, let's be honest, I wasn't really built for—the text appeared in the sky above me, floating in gold letters like a very fancy pop-up ad:
[SYSTEM ACTIVATED: WELCOME, NEW PLAYER.]
I squinted. "New player? Did I just… become a mobile game character?" I asked out loud. Which, by the way, is probably not the first thing someone says after death, but my brain skipped to sarcasm mode immediately.
[PLAYER ID: 094857]
[NAME UNREGISTERED: PLEASE ENTER DESIRED NAME.]
"Oh, wow. Okay. Cosmic sign says name. This is important. Let's go with… Captain Amazingpants." I grinned. "No, wait. Too obvious. How about… Sir TotallyNotAFailure? Yeah, that has a heroic ring to it."
[NAME REGISTERED: SIR TOTALLYNOTAFAILURE.]
"Nice. That's my destiny now. TotallyNotAFailure, at your service!" I saluted the floating letters. They didn't salute back. Typical AI.
Then the system got dramatic.
[INITIAL STATS:]
Strength: 2/100 Agility: 3/100 Intelligence: 999/1000
I laughed so hard I almost fell into the sparkling river. "999 intelligence, huh? That explains why I can't even remember where I left my wallet. But hey, at least my brain is shiny!"
[You have acquired the 'Chaotic Luck' trait.]
"Chaotic Luck? Oh, that's cute. Basically, I'm a walking disaster with style points. I like it."
As I strutted around like I was auditioning for a hero anime, a glowing fairy-like thing appeared, hovering near my shoulder. It was tiny, sparkly, and judging me.
"Greetings, Player. I am your guide."
"Guide? Uh… nice to meet you, Sparkle McJudgy."
[Name not recognized. Calling you Guide.]
"Whatever. Guide, you've got a lot of explaining to do."
The guide hummed, sparkled impatiently, and then said, "You have been reincarnated in the world of Eldoria. Your purpose: grow strong, complete quests, and—eventually—save or destroy the continent."
I nearly fell over. "Wait, hold up. Save or destroy? Isn't that a little… optional?"
The guide blinked. Or whatever blinking fairies do. "You have free will, but your actions will have consequences. Also, beware the monsters. And the system—"
I waved a hand. "Monsters, system, blah blah. Got it. Sounds thrilling. What's next?"
Apparently, next was me stumbling into my first quest. Because of course, I had to start slow. A message popped in front of me:
[QUEST ACCEPTED: Gather 5 Crystal Mushrooms for the Villager in the Forest.]
"Crystal mushrooms?" I muttered, glancing around. "You mean, like, magic fungi? Or… the kind that makes me hallucinate for three days?"
[They are magical, non-lethal, not hallucinogenic.]
"Fine. Boring, but fine. Let's do this."
I squinted at the map the system projected in front of me—a glowing hologram with arrows, mountains, rivers, and a little cartoon mushroom bouncing along the route. Somehow, it was judging me too. Great, even the interface has attitude.
"Alright, Sparkle McJudgy… I mean Guide. Lead the way," I said, striding confidently into the forest.
Almost immediately, my chaotic luck kicked in.
A branch snapped under my foot. I tripped, flailed, and somehow ended up hanging upside down from a tree by my shoelaces.
"Perfect. First quest, first humiliation. Nailed it," I muttered. Leaves tickled my face. I noticed the sun was already setting. I was off to a fantastic start.
The Forest of Slightly Irritating Magical Things
The forest wasn't dangerous… yet. Well, not too dangerous. It was full of creatures that looked cute but wanted to eat me or at least prank me in ways that were extremely inconvenient. For example:
Mushroom Sprites – tiny, hopping fungi with faces that glared at me. One threw a tiny mushroom at my head.Squirrels with Swords – literally squirrels carrying miniature swords. They formed a tiny militia and demanded I pay "toll" for passing.Glowing Berries of Shame – eat them and you temporarily turn bright pink. I did. Twice.
Guide sighed audibly. "Player, perhaps… caution?"
I waved a hand. "Nonsense! Chaos is my middle name."
(Side note: It's not. I just like dramatic flair.)
As I wandered deeper, I noticed the first crystal mushroom, glowing faintly under a beam of sunlight. Victory was mine—until I heard a loud, wet squelch behind me.
"Oh no."
A slime the size of a boulder emerged from the bushes, bubbling angrily. Its gooey surface shimmered rainbow-like. I remembered something from RPGs: giant slimes usually equal instant death if you're underleveled.
"Okay… casual fight, no problem," I said, pretending I'd done this before.
The slime lunged.
I tripped again. Naturally. Somehow, I ended up sliding on its slick gooey back, which propelled me through the air and—somehow—into a tree. The impact knocked me upside down again, which, according to my sense of physics, meant I was winning by losing.
Guide hummed. "Player… that was… not entirely accidental."
"Well, it counts as style points!" I said, flailing. Somehow, the slime got tired of chasing me and split into three smaller, cuter slimes, which I proceeded to nickname: Blobby, Squishy, and Gooey McGooFace.
"Fine. You're adorable. I'll spare you. Maybe."
I managed to pick the first crystal mushroom, holding it like a trophy. And then… I heard it. A faint, melodic giggle.
I spun around. A goblin—green skin, crooked teeth, a suspiciously fancy hat—was sitting cross-legged on a log, holding… a tiny harp?
"Hello, human. Welcome to the forest of Slightly Irritating Magical Things. You look… interesting."
"Interesting… right. That's definitely better than 'stupid and doomed,'" I said.
The goblin smiled like it knew something I didn't. "I am Gloop. I see you've found my mushrooms."
"Oh! These? Yeah, I… uh… borrowed one. Totally legally. System quest thing," I said.
Gloop's eyes narrowed. "System quest, you say? And you dare… take what is mine?"
I tried to look innocent. "It's not yours, it's communal. Like… taxes. Or library books. Same thing."
He frowned. Then his frown broke into a grin. "Hah! A human with chaotic luck. I like this one. I'll make a deal. Defeat me in a game of—"
"Wait. Wait. Wait. Did you just challenge me to… a game?!"
"Yes. Goblin rules. Winner takes the mushroom."
Great. A game. I was terrible at games. But hey, chaotic luck exists, right? I leaned back dramatically. "Bring it on, tiny green musical menace."
(The "game" turned out to be goblin-style riddles, mild acrobatics, and a surprisingly intense thumb war. Long story short, chaotic luck + me yelling random nonsense = I somehow won. Blobby, Squishy, and Gooey McGooFace cheered. Don't ask how slimes cheer. It's messy.)
Victory… Sort Of
With the first mushroom secured, I strutted—carefully this time—toward the second. Only… chaos had other plans. A pack of tiny, flying wyverns descended, apparently attracted to my "fragrance of victory."
Guide groaned audibly. "Player… perhaps discretion?"
"Pfft. Discretion is boring. I prefer dramatics!"
What followed could only be described as:
Slipping on slime trails Accidentally riding a wyvern like a broomstick, Convincing three squirrels and a goblin to form a temporary alliance Somehow gaining level 2 without realizing it
By the time the sun dipped completely, I had:
Three mushrooms, One suspiciously impressed goblin ally Chaotic Luck rating: Maximum Shoes destroyed Self-esteem… mostly intact And that, dear reader, is how Sir TotallyNotAFailure officially became a hero by accident, in less than six hours of walking, slipping, and yelling.
By sunrise—or what I assumed was sunrise, because in Eldoria light worked like it had mood swings—I had three crystal mushrooms, three new "allies" (the goblin and the slime trio), and an ego so inflated it could have doubled as a hot-air balloon.
I strutted through the forest with the confidence of someone who absolutely had no idea what they were doing, which, in Eldoria, apparently counts as bravery.
The Quest Finale Approaches
Guide finally spoke up after a long, judgmental pause. "Player… two more mushrooms remain. Both are located near the lair of… the Forest Horror."
I froze. "Forest Horror? That sounds… scary. Like, maybe-I-should-run scary."
Guide blinked, sparkles flickering. "You have chaotic luck. Statistically, you will survive. Probably."
"Ah. Good enough for me!"
The path twisted into a gloomy canyon, fog curling around twisted trees. Somewhere nearby, something growled—loudly, and with a very unsubtle "I am going to eat you" energy.
"Oh, come on," I muttered. "Couldn't we have a normal wolf? Maybe a bear? Or… a small, polite raccoon?"
The fog thickened. Then… it moved. And by moved, I mean the ground shook like someone had dropped a boulder the size of a house.
Forest Horror appeared.
It was… terrifying. Imagine a dragon that couldn't decide if it wanted to be a dinosaur, a snake, or an angry sofa, with teeth long enough to qualify as a home renovation hazard. Its eyes glowed red, and it emitted a roar that made my teeth ache.
I froze. Okay, froze is generous. I tripped, fell into a puddle, and slid down a hill straight into… a conveniently placed hollow log.
"Style points," I whispered.
Accidental Heroics Begin
The Forest Horror sniffed the log, growled, and then—somehow—tripped over a root. I peered out.
"Ohhhh… look at that. Nature's helping me!"
Guide frowned. "Player, perhaps… your luck is excessive."
I shrugged. "Excessive is my brand."
I crawled out, waving the mushrooms like trophies. "Hey, big scary horror! Want some snacks?"
The Forest Horror blinked. Then sniffed. Then… licked one of the crystal mushrooms. Its eyes softened. Apparently, it was allergic to hunger and slightly obsessive over crystals.
"Wait… what?" I said. "You're… cute? Like… an oversized magical dog?"
Guide murmured, "Player… perhaps negotiation is working."
I laughed. "Negotiation? Nah. This is pure chaotic luck. Watch closely."
The Mushrooms Collected, the Quest Complete
With minimal effort, thanks to a combination of luck, dumb timing, and unintentional comedy, I gathered the remaining two mushrooms. The Forest Horror—now more like a slightly disgruntled pet—followed me out of the fog. Blobby, Squishy, and Gooey McGooFace bounced alongside, and Gloop the goblin strutted like he'd done this a hundred times before.
[QUEST COMPLETE: Gather 5 Crystal Mushrooms.]
[Reward: 150 EXP, 50 Gold, Random Loot: Bag of Infinite Snacks.]
I glanced at the bag. It rattled. Chips, candy, a random sword that looked suspiciously like a butter knife. Perfect.
Guide sighed. "Player… you have completed the quest… in your own… unique style."
I bowed dramatically. "Unique. I like that word. Makes me sound professional."
Hidden System Powers? Accidental Discovery
As I celebrated, a new message appeared:
[NEW SKILL UNLOCKED: Chaotic Improvisation Lv. 1]
"Chaotic… Improvisation?" I read aloud. "Ooooh… this sounds like a super OP skill for doing dumb things and accidentally winning."
I tested it immediately by tossing a random mushroom into the air. Somehow, the mushroom exploded in a dazzling rainbow flash that completely intimidated the Forest Horror into bowing. Yep. Definitely OP.
Guide blinked. "Player… your chaotic luck… is evolving."
"Evolution? Fancy words for 'I'm awesome,' right?" I asked.