Chapter 32: When Jesus Christ Became My Business Model
Should we cheer Grindelwald on? I think we should. Even though he's being an idiot, he's still going to create a massive deal of damage that we can use to our advantage when the war has ended and there's a massive power vacuum like, everywhere.
Why are you preaching to the choir, kid? I already know conquering the world with war is stupid. I was the one who told you that Jesus Christ was the closest anyone ever got to world domination.
Ah, yes. Jesus Christ. My hero. If only he lived for one or two thousand more years. He might have seen it happen.
He was too damn nice; that was his problem. He should have been more politically inclined, at least – even if that might have undermined his status as the "bringer of peace" a little bit.
Seriously, though. He was the Son of God! If God can smite all the sinners he likes, I don't think anyone else would fault The Holy Son for doing the same.
I don't think those were Jesus' original intentions, but okay…
Look, all I'm saying is that if he had simply "accidented" Judas, he wouldn't have ended up with nails stuck through his wrists.
Then again, part of the reason why he became so popular was because of him martyring himself to save all of mankind…hmmm…
Seriously, though. Self-sacrificial deaths have just been the most overused declaration of love in all of literature since then. It's all Jesus' fault. If it hadn't been for Jesus, I wouldn't have had to suffer through eight hundred pages of Jean Valjean being such a goddamned saint.
God, I hated that book. In fact, I hate all of those books where the main character always has to be such a hero and save every damn person he meets.
When will we have a book where the main character just takes what he wants and doesn't get any karmic repercussions? And when I say "book," I mean fiction, not history books.
I mean, just think about all of the world rulers who exploited their subjects and sent their armies to plunder and pillage all the neighboring small kingdoms, and lived out their lives in their nice golden castles.
Sure, we hear about other asshole rulers getting themselves beheaded or overthrown, but the majority of cruel kings never faced any punishment! Hell, Thomas Edison stole pretty much everything he did from Nikola Tesla, and what did he get for it?
Let's see, he died mostly peacefully, as a rich man, surrounded by loving friends and family. And what did Tesla get as compensation? Absolutely-friggin' nothing.
That was the most beautiful rant I've ever heard.
I'm being serious. All of that nice and happy BS about "loving thy neighbor" and "do unto others as you would have done to yourself" or some tripe like that never did anyone any good.
"Thou shalt not commit adultery" is my favorite line.
What is adultery, anyway?
Something for adults.
No shit, Sherlock.
Mind your language.
Will you stop saying that, you hypocrite?
Excuse you.
Excuse you – I think I deserve to know a little more! Anyway, I am more of an adult than many adults in this world.
Well, in this case, you're not yet a grown-up.
Ugh. I hate you.
Speaking of Jesus…
No! No changing the subject this time!
Hear me out! I have a brilliant idea! Honestly! We should totally resurrect Jesus! No – better yet – just stage the Second Coming of Christ with a bit of magic and…poof! That's about a third of the world behind you, right there! Maybe more, if we include the agnostics now begging for mercy.
Now that would be awesome. I can already walk on water. We were doing buoyancy spells in Charms class just yesterday. And I'm a natural at public speaking.
And healing lepers with a single touch shouldn't be too hard to learn, either. There are charms that can turn water into wine and increase the amount of food we have, too. So why the hell was Jesus so special?
Maybe it was because he did it without a wand.
So? So can I!
Maybe you're the second coming of Jesus, then.
Maybe I AM.
Agreed.
We are so amazing.
Yes. Yes, we are.
Where were we again?
Something about not getting caught creating a mind-control spell that is, at this point, probably more dangerous than even the Imperius Curse.
Yes, Tom didn't think that it would end well for him if Professor Dumbledore discovered that he was experimenting in mind control…even if he tried to pass it off as an attempt at simple memory relocation.
Something told him that the old Transfiguration teacher wouldn't be as stupid as the rest of the Wizarding World…
Not that he was, you know, dumb enough to let anyone find out. Why would anyone know? His spells didn't show up on his wand, and he could change his own appearance with just a single thought.
A bit of Transfiguration and some illusionary spells, and he could be mistaken for any other old wizard.
He wasn't at the natural skill level of a Metamorphmagus yet, but there really wasn't any point in being able to turn your hair bright pink without the aid of a wand unless you were attempting to infiltrate a colony of alien space pigs.
On one hand, his mind control methods were really useful. On the other, it still had some issues. Like all mind control spells, it lost effectiveness if someone was exposed to it long-term, or if the distances between them got too far and the connection broke.
And besides, Tom could only use it on one person at a time, since he only had one wand. If he wanted to use them in the future, at all, he'd have to come up with a better way.
But for his current purposes, (like messing around with randomly selected strangers, both wizard and Muggle alike, so they opened bank accounts in Switzerland under fake identities for him using the money received from selling the magically conjured graphite turned into diamonds on the black market – also done through mind-controlled middle men), it was adequate.
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