"Okay, what the fuck."
Slowly, and more than a little irritated, I cracked one eye open to see if the angel had suffered a heart attack or something.
Instead, I was met with a face twisted in absolute repulsion. The divine features that had been so serene moments ago were now marred by a look of sheer disgust as they read the parchment in their hand. The juxtaposition of angelic beauty and unadulterated hate was enough to make me feel like the fundamental laws of the universe were breaking.
"Is everything OK?" I asked, wondering if I had somehow managed to screw up even after dying.
They stopped looking at the offending paper like it had puked on their carpet and snapped that terrifying gaze toward me.
"I can't fucking believe one of you fuckers got through to here," they spat with beautiful, divine scorn.
"What?" I asked, my worry spiking. Was this angel racist? Classist?
"Just, UGH!"
With a shriek of childish rage, they hurled the parchment and quill into the great nowhere, never to be seen again. Their face was contorted in total anger.
"You pieces of shit don't deserve any of this! You assholes did nothing to earn anything and basically get a free pass for EVERYTHING! Damn you and your fucking bullshit!"
They proceeded to slam the heavy Book of Life onto the black floor as if it were common trash, only to furiously stomp on it with their bare, holy feet.
…I couldn't even have a normal afterlife, could I?
"So… will I go to Purgatory or something?" I ventured, waiting until the angel had finished giving the holy book a proper beatdown.
They looked at me, pissed off beyond belief.
"Oh, I fucking wish. No, instead, please," they said with fake gentleness, their voice dripping with venom as they stepped aside and gestured dramatically. "Step over here and we'll get you motherfucking settled."
Completely out of place within the whole "black void, single ray of light" aesthetic, a completely ordinary wooden door materialized behind the angel. It felt almost mocking in its mundane appearance, ruining the mystical vibe of my afterlife.
"The… you want me to, "
"STEP THROUGH THE DOOR, YES!" they yelled, veins popping. "Get the hell away from my sight! I have shit to do!"
I blinked, then decided to follow the angry order. I walked slowly and awkwardly toward the door, every step marked by a seemingly endless echo. As I scuttled past the angel, I clearly heard them whisper something along the lines of "fucking scum."
I had no idea what I did wrong, but I wasn't about to tempt my luck further. I pushed open the wood and stepped through.
And saw, in all its glory, Heaven.
I blurted out the first thought that came to mind.
"Oh shit, this is an office."
Heaven, oh so glorious, oh so holy, took the form of a bureaucratic hellhole that would make every banker to ever exist cream their pants in unison.
There were endless stairs, endless bookshelves filled to the brim with folders upon folders of God-knows-what, and endless desks manned by angels, all looking identical to the one who had just greeted/insulted me.
If anyone asked me to map the layout just from sight alone, I would be completely incapable of getting a single syllable out. It was total chaos. Complete, orderly, perfectly efficient chaos.
I hated it instantly.
It took someone loudly clearing their throat to break me from my horrified gazing. Looking up, I saw a tall angel, just as holy and blonde as the previous one, peering down at me. The only major differences, aside from the height, were the bulging, furious muscles rippling across their entire body and the Men in Black style sunglasses they sported.
"Follow me," they said. Their voice was beautiful, yet rough like gravel.
Still processing the existence of this Beefcake Angel, I just nodded dumbly.
….
After a good ten minutes of trailing behind the uncomfortably ripped angel through endless corridors, waiting rooms, and cubicles, we finally seemed to arrive at our destination.
Before us stood a twelve-meter-tall metallic door. Stuck to the center of it was a large piece of paper with perfectly printed Times New Roman text that read:
YHWH
Jesus, that must be one big-ass tape dispenser.
Beefcake Angel approached the frankly stupid titanic door and knocked on it twice.
Silence.
…
LET THEM IN.
The sheer power behind those three words was enough to bring me to my knees in reverence. For a moment that lasted too long, I regretted ever living and felt my life's goal shift entirely to serving whatever lay waiting behind that metal slab.
I… felt like something bad was going to happen if I entered.
I looked around, desperate for a way to avoid my fate, but I was met only with the impassive, cold, sunglasses-clad stare of Beefcake Angel.
...Right. No escape.
The gargantuan door groaned, sliding open just a crack, barely leaving the frame. Yet, given the scale, that crack was wide enough to drive a truck through. I forced myself forward, my feet feeling like lead.
Once I was inside, the door slammed shut behind me, leaving me to gaze at the being in front of me.
And in that moment, whatever I did in life didn't matter. Where I came from, my culture, my country, my galaxy, none of it mattered. What I witnessed was, without a doubt, GOD.
...He looked pretty disappointing, to be honest.
Sure, he sported the traditional godly look, long white hair, long thick beard, and bulging muscles that mirrored his guard outside, but the divine effect was severely dulled by the plain, boring gray suit he wore, the frameless circular glasses, and, most notably, the nightmarish bags under his eyes.
God became just a tiny bit more disappointing with every second I looked at him.
If the titanic door hadn't been enough of a clue, the guy was giant, comparable to a five-story building. He sat in a comically large executive chair, writing down who-knew-what on comically large documents that rested atop an equally comically large office desk. Maybe it was the size, but the furniture seemed top-notch.
That didn't mean God looked any less miserable.
God, or YHWH, going by the sticky note on the door, raised his gaze from the literal mountain of paperwork on his desk. He looked down at my pitiable self and simply sighed.
The sigh generated a gale-force wind that almost sent me flying straight into the back wall.
After a few moments of contemplative silence, YHWH finally spoke.
SO…