SO…
That single word, that solitary syllable, contained within it infinite power, a weight incomprehensible to the likes of me.
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE FUCKING YEAR AGAIN.
…Huh?
THERE HAVE BEEN MANY MOMENTS I REGRET MY DECISIONS, YOU KNOW?
I felt something inherently wrong with everything my ears were catching. Every instinct screamed that I shouldn't be here, hearing this.
SURE, I COULD HAVE HANDLED THAT LUCIFER SITUATION WITH MORE GRACE. AND SURE, I COULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB MAKING SURE YOU HUMANS DIDN'T MURDER EACH OTHER DEAD EVERY SINGLE DAY. I CAN ADMIT THIS. I AM NOT A BEING WITHOUT MISTAKES.
YHWH rubbed his eyes, looking incredibly annoyed and deeply sleepy.
BUT LET IT BE KNOWN THAT WHAT I REGRET MOST IS ALLOWING THIS STUPID, INANE, USELESS PROJECT TO GO THROUGH R&D AND RECEIVE FUNDING.
Despite the barrage of questions bouncing around my skull, I simply kept my mouth shut. I may have been a complete scumbag and a piece of shit in life, but now that I was face-to-face with the Big D himself, I had suddenly transformed into a good, God-fearing man. Who knew?
YHWH stopped rubbing his eyes and directed his full, heavy gaze at me.
I'm going to fucking die.
LET US JUST… GET THIS OVER WITH.
Out of thin air, a slim, simple magazine appeared in front of me, floating ominously at eye level. From where I stood, the title appeared to be written in a conceptually incomprehensible language that made my eyes water.
Thankfully, my mind seemed to auto-translate it fast enough. The eldritch script shifted into flawless English, reading: "The Incursor Program: Exploring the Endless Multiverse In Favour of Human Development!"
"Huh?" I muttered, despite myself. This was a terrible title. What the hell was this?
SUBJECT N°734.
YOU HAVE BEEN RANDOMLY SELECTED AMONGST ALL DYING SOULS BETWEEN THE AGE RANGE OF 17 TO 24 TO PERFORM A… VERY IMPORTANT RESEARCH.
Just saying those words seemed to be enough to make YHWH want to vomit. Inevitably, I had to ask.
"What… uh, kind of research, exactly?"
OH, VERY, VERY IMPORTANT RESEARCH.
SEE, THIS WAS THE GENIUS IDEA OF A MAN WHO HAS ALREADY BEEN FIRED AND EXILED FROM THESE OFFICES FOR ETERNITY. HE WANTED TO EXAMINE HUMAN BEHAVIOR IN EXTREME, IRREPLICABLE CIRCUMSTANCES, SCENARIOS COMPLETELY OUTSIDE THE REALM OF PHYSICS POSSIBLE ON THE ROCK YOU CALL EARTH.
"AMAZING," SAID SOME OTHER JACKASS, WHO HAS ALSO BEEN FIRED FOR ETERNITY, "HOW DO YOU PLAN ON DOING THAT?"
AND, PROBABLY WEARING A SHIT-EATING GRIN ON HIS DISGUSTING, PATHETIC, AND NOW JOBLESS FACE, HE SAID:
"I'M GOING TO SEND HUMANS TO OTHER WORLDS!"
YHWH rubbed his temples again, his face portraying infinite, disgusting contempt for this former employee.
I processed this slew of information, trying to keep my head from exploding at the sheer volume of words this deity just spewed at me.
"So," I finally said. "I'm going to be sent to another world?"
YHWH scoffed.
WHY YES.
THAT YOU ARE.
HOW EXTREMELY FUCKING LUCKY FOR YOU.
Despite myself and whatever sense of self-preservation I still had, I frowned. He may have been an omnipotent God, but I still had shreds of pride to protect.
"Hey, I was okay going to Purgatory or whatever. I didn't exactly ask for this, you know?"
God remained unmoved, rolling his gray, sleepless eyes.
YES, PLEASE LAMENT YOURSELF FOR THE TERRIBLE FATE OF NOT ROTTING IN PURGATORY.
OH, WOE IS ME.
I WILL EXPERIENCE POWER I DO NOT DESERVE, EXPERIENCES I DO NOT DESERVE, AND COMMIT ANY NUMBER OF SINS WITHOUT ANY SORT OF RETRIBUTION WHATSOEVER, FOR THE SIMPLE FACT THAT I WON A STUPID LOTTERY.
TRULY, A TERRIBLE FATE.
I was becoming less charmed by this asshole by the second.
For the sake of my sanity, I decided to simply grab the damn magazine floating in front of me and peruse it. Hopefully, that way I could stop this aeons-old entity from picking on me.
The first page read as follows:
Congratulations! You are now dead!
Don't worry! This is a natural step in every human's life, and it happens to everyone!
However, as you've probably already been informed, this isn't a normal situation for you specifically! You may be silently wondering why everyone in what's supposed to be Heaven is now despising you, cursing you, and most of all, why our omnipotent king, YHWH, is picking on you!
I silently glanced up at YHWH, who was muttering curses against the asshole who likely wrote this pamphlet.
Don't worry about him! He's not gonna do anything truly harmful to you, just be a little mean! Now, this is the important part!
Thanks to random chance, you have been selected as our next test subject for the Incursor Program! And, as our King YHWH has probably unwillingly briefed you, you will be sent to a completely new reality, based on popular media from your world!
Despite myself, I begrudgingly agreed with YHWH for a moment. This did seem like a terrible idea.
In the following pages, you will find all of the worlds you can access, and what kind of powers and enhancements you can get with it.
Yes, powers!
The purpose of this program is to observe human behavior when placed in a situation so out of the ordinary it simply becomes impossible to replicate on Earth. So, you will be granted a bunch of stuff of your choice, based on a number of "credits" we'll give you.
Choose wisely! Once you're sent to another world, you can't take your choices back!
And remember, once you're finished with a world (with whatever that may entail), your journey won't end, you'll simply jump into another one!
An endless journey awaits! Welcome to the perfect afterlife!