[A lot has happened within the past few days.
Well, not exactly.
Most of what happens is around other people instead of me.
I heard that some of my peers have started dating weeks ago, I honestly don't understand how they can think about dating when we are still a student.
Aside from that, I have also been seeing my peers going to this one restaurant. Is it popular?
Maybe, but why do I care? It's not like I'm going to eat there anyway, it's too expensive.
...
If the coin I flip results head, I will go there.
Here we go!
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...
ಠ_ಠ.
It's not like I was planning to go there anyway
...
If the coin flips tails I won't be going.
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¯\_ಠ_ಠ_/¯.
Whatever, I will go there to sightseeing and see if the food is delicious to make it this popular.
Other than that, the school has been a little too lively, for a person that wants peace and a calm environment like me.
Things didn't go well.
At least people still don't notice my existence. I'm happy for that!
But I have been thinking for a long time...
Where do I belong?
I've been trying to try staying in the library, but the library doesn't make me feel enjoyment, I can read books.
But what happens is just me flipping it up and down again.
The teacher has been noticing my presence lately, and most of them view me as a good non problematic student.
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I wonder if I can try to do a quiet challenge.
Not talking for the whole school period.
If I succeed, I will reward myself with some chocolate cupcakes.
If not, I will buy a chocolate cupcake for a nice try!
Even if the result is the same, the journey gives the rewards a different feeling.
Let's see what I want to write more...
Ah! I was planning to see if I can try finding a perfect place for me!
Not like a library, and not in the toilet.
Maybe like an empty class?
Yes that would be a great place to relax!
I might start to prefer high classes.
The wind feels comfortable in that height.
Maybe I can try to bring some cats with me so we can play together.
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I want to belong somewhere.
Yet I hesitate to be close with them.
Because I am me.
What I want is to be with them, not ME with them.
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The point is.
I need to be open.
I need to be vulnerable.
I need to open myself to outsiders.
But that is not me.
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That will never be me.
And I will always acknowledge it.]
"..."
I look at my writing one last time as I close my diary, letting out a sigh of relief for finally managing to let out my frustrations.
This is the only thing I write in my diary, it's not surprising since I tend to keep everything to myself, even my diary still feels like a new book if I just take care of it a little more gentler.
"...Sunday huh, guess I need to sleep early for school tomorrow."
I put my diary in the shelves, and then put another cooking book in front of it to hide it.
It's not like my room has anyone to disturb me.
But it makes me feel secure.
So I just do it anyways.
"Let's see if what I write today will happen tomorrow!"
I let out a big yawn while stretching my body, at the same time fixing my messy clothes after laying on the floor for so long.
It's always been a habit of mine to act like a kid when nobody's watching.
It's fun to be a kid. And much more fun when you try to act like one.
Oh well, it's a secret of mine. It would be very embarrassing if people know my habit even though I'm already 17 years old, secrets are meant to be embarrassing either way.
Do I call it a habit? Or is it just me being immature among my peers?
Whatever it was. I don't hope for this habit of mine to die.
I open my door, what I see is the same as always.
Messy clothes on the floor, unclean tables full of unnecessary scrap of paper.
I remember trying to find new hobbies... Origami perhaps? Well I suck at that for sure.
I can try to fold the paper and the last thing I fold is my own pride.
Thinking about it again, I also tried cooking as my hobby. But I remember again that I'm not the type that eats every 4 hours...
But I do like eating my veggies.
Veggies are after all what makes me continue to live without being sick, save me some time to do more stuff than just lying on the bed.
For example, lying on the bed.
...
I let out a deep sigh. My mind is not a quiet place, it's always talk and talk, maybe it does what it does because I rarely talk to anyone outside of my inner thought.
But it doesn't burden me.
I hear from the internet that people who will always think will never doubt.
...
Like I know what it means.
Why do doubts only exist when people don't think?
Isn't thinking the reason doubt exists?
That will result in contradicting what it is supposed to say.
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Ahh, I'm overthinking again.
Get out, get out, get out of my head.
"Home sweet home."
I look around my messy living room, staring at the two unfolded clothes that have been thrown into what looks like a pile of mountains.
I've long been thinking about ferociously folding the clothes, but no matter how much I try to pick up the clothes I always accidentally throw them on the floor again.
What can I say, I'm a messy person.
I also can blame it on my school schedule.
School stresses me out and for that, my house will be my social energy charger.
...
Most of the stress is coming from avoiding people of course.
"Oh well."
I pick up one of the clothes to change into.
It's easy to differentiate the dirty clothes and the clean ones.
Because I have two mountains, one is clean and the other is the dirty one.
After all, even if I'm a lazy type, I'm not the type of person that burdens myself just because I'm lazy.
Why bother folding clothes just to save a little space when in the end you're going to wear it?
Just stuff it in the closet and we can chill next.
Cleaning and organizing are two different things.
God I'm so smart. No matter how much I think about it, I think I'm too mature among my peers.
I mean look at me. Only the most mentally healthy people don't make trouble for others and just talk to himself without knowing how to stop.
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Get out, get out, get out of my head.
I praised myself as I grabbed the towel on the old chair.
Usually, I always just hang the towel on the hanger so it can dry easier.
But it's because yesterday that I put it on the chair.
The reason being is obvious...
"..."
And the obvious one thing that makes me stare at it for so long.
The small replica of the ancient statue made of clay on top of the table. While I don't know who is the inspiration for this replica, all I can say is that they must be some kind of warrior.
Holding a bow, his long beard that reaches to the knees symbolizes wisdom. And quite a sophisticated moustache.
His armor is a little weird though...
None of the historic culture of warriors ever let you wear a pair of long robe and several stone necklaces to war.
Oh well, his aesthetic looks cool so I just let it slide.
This replica is a remnant of my late grandfather's work. He was a clay artist.
He was planning to give it to me when I was around 6 years old before unexpectedly dying from a car accident. Surprisingly, only this replica survived the accident. All his other works got destroyed while trying to deliver them to his other antique shop.
I grab the replica and blow the dust off its head and shoulder.
No matter how much I look at this replica, the color is always a bit weird. Grandpa had a weird choice of color when creating this...
"If I try to put it in a way that can be understood... It doesn't feel or look like clay... The color is just weird, let's just bear with it."
I put the replica on the top shelf of the living room. The color of the shelf has a comfortable green coloring, it makes anyone that looks at it feel safe.
...
This makes me think again of the one who created this shelf, and he is one and only my father, who divorced mom, and he left us with this shelf as the last connection. I was only 4 years old at the time.
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Wait a minute, why the hell do I need to point it out?
That was stupid of me. I shouldn't have thought about him again.
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Never again.
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Anyways, time to take a shower!
It's been around 5 hours since I last took it, because I've been crawling around in my entire room like a caterpillar. God I love being lazy.
*Thud*
...
"...Huh?"
As I'm walking towards the bathroom, a sudden sound of an object falling behind me.
I look back, only to find the replica is the cause of it.
"That's weird... The replica isn't that light to fall on its own. Does the shelf have a problem?"
I touch the shelf to check if there's any problem, but everything seems fine and structured.
"Hmm, weird... Does the replica not like to be on the shelf? Would it rather jump? Hehe"
Whatever it was, it wasn't that serious. I put the replica on the floor.
"If you want to be on the floor, I make your wish come true then."
I pat the replica's head as I walk towards the bathroom, closing its door.
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*Creak*
The bathroom door opens one more time, as my head slowly peers out, looking at the replica's back.
"I'm watching youuuuu...."
I slowly pull my head back to continue the shower, after finally closing the bathroom door.
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*Thud*