INT. PADDY'S PUB — LATE DAY
(Paddy's has been "upgraded." Which means: worse.)
(A HANDWRITTEN SIGN hangs crookedly behind the bar:)
"COMPLAINTS? SEE DENNIS.
CONSEQUENCES? ALSO DENNIS."
(A SECOND SIGN below it:)
"NO CATS."
(The DEATH NOTE sits on the bar like a loaded weapon. DENNIS has a pen tucked behind his ear like a sociopath at a Chili's.)
(MAC stands nearby in a makeshift "SECURITY" vest that is literally duct tape with SECURITY written on it.)
(DEE is on her phone, scrolling like she's looking for prey.)
(FRANK is at a table with a legal pad titled "PEOPLE WHO OWE ME MONEY (DEAD OR ALIVE).")
(CHARLIE is hovering near the notebook like it's a rattlesnake in a baby stroller.)
DENNIS(bright, customer-service voice)
Okay! Hi! Welcome to Paddy's!
If you have a complaint, I'm gonna need you to say it into the Complaint Zone.
(He gestures to a taped-off square on the floor labeled "COMPLAINT ZONE.")
DEE
Why is there a complaint zone.
DENNIS
Because I'm structuring the experience, Dee.
The customer must feel heard right before consequences occur.
MAC(solemn)
This is how justice works. There's a zone.
CHARLIE(panicked whisper)
You're doing murder bureaucracy.
DENNIS
Charlie, stop calling it murder.
It's… negative feedback.
(A DRUNK GUY at the bar—FINGER SNAPPER GUY—snaps his fingers twice.)
FINGER SNAPPER GUY
Yo! Beer's warm.
(Dennis's eyes go dead. His smile stays.)
DENNIS(sweet)
Great. Great note. Love the feedback.
Step into the Complaint Zone.
FINGER SNAPPER GUY(confused)
What?
DENNIS(still sweet)
Step. Into. The Zone.
(Finger Snapper Guy steps in, annoyed.)
DENNIS
Name?
FINGER SNAPPER GUY
Dylan.
DENNIS
Last name.
FINGER SNAPPER GUY
Why.
DENNIS(tight)
Because this is a system, Dylan.
MAC(leaning in, intense)
Give the name, citizen. This is due process.
FINGER SNAPPER GUY
Uh… Keegan. Dylan Keegan.
(Dennis calmly opens the Death Note.)
CHARLIE(lunging)
NO—NO NO NO NO—
(Dennis SLAPS Charlie's hand away without looking.)
DENNIS(writing, quiet and precise)
Dylan Keegan…
DEE(leaning over)
Make it humiliating.
MAC
Make it righteous.
FRANK(from his table, yelling)
Make it cheap!
DENNIS(thinking, then writing)
"Dies… choking… on his own—"
CHARLIE(screaming)
STOP ADDING FLAVOR TEXT!
DENNIS(snaps)
It's not flavor text. It's specificity.
The universe responds to specificity.
DEE
Write that he dies after everyone realizes he's gross and pathetic.
MAC
Write that he dies confessing his sins to a strong male authority figure.
FINGER SNAPPER GUY
What is happening?
DENNIS(to him, still smiling)
You're being heard.
(Dennis dots the period with a flourish.)
DENNIS
Okay. Great. Complaint received.
FINGER SNAPPER GUY(backing out of the zone)
I'm— I'm gonna go.
DENNIS(pleasant)
You should.
(Finger Snapper Guy leaves fast.)
(A beat.)
CHARLIE(horrified)
Dennis, you can't do that. You can't just do that to a guy.
DENNIS
Charlie, he snapped.
He snapped twice.
DEE
Twice is crazy.
MAC(nodding)
That's escalation behavior.
CHARLIE
It's not escalation— it's a bar!
DENNIS(pointing to the sign)
We are no longer "a bar."
We are a hospitality environment with an accountability model.
(DEE's phone PINGS. She glances down—then her face changes.)
DEE(reading, delighted-horrified)
Oh my God.
MAC
What.
DEE(reading)
"LOCAL MAN DYLAN KEEGAN DEAD AFTER CHOKING INCIDENT."
(Beat, savoring it.)
"Witnesses say he was 'complaining loudly' moments before collapse."
CHARLIE(goes pale)
NO.
DENNIS(calm, satisfied)
Yes.
FRANK(stunned, then gleeful)
Ho—HO—!
It works! It works works!
MAC(solemn, hand on chest)
Justice has… zones.
CHARLIE(near tears)
You killed a finger snapper!
DENNIS
Charlie. He snapped twice.
Society cannot survive that.
(FRANK shoots up like a shark smelling blood.)
FRANK
Okay. This is it. This is the big one. We take this to market.
DENNIS(already suspicious)
Frank—what do you mean "market."
FRANK
I mean I'm gonna go outside and tell people we got outcomes!
CHARLIE
NO! No—no, Frank, you can't advertise the demon book!
FRANK(already moving)
It's not a demon book, Charlie. It's a service.
People love services.
(Frank SPRINTS out the front door.)
DEE(without looking up, scrolling)
He's gonna get us arrested.
DENNIS
No.
He's gonna get us… customers.
CHARLIE
That's worse!
(A QUICK SERIES OF BEATS / MINI-MONTAGE:)
—Frank slaps a crooked sign on the front window: "GUARANTEED OUTCOMES"(spelled wrong)
—He scribbles underneath: "ASK ABOUT PREMIUM"
—He whistles like he's calling stray dogs.
—A couple SHADY WEIRDOS immediately appear outside like they were already in the walls.
(Frank returns inside, breathing hard, thrilled.)
FRANK
Okay. Great news.
I got a line starting.
DENNIS(horrified whisper)
You started a line?
FRANK
Yeah! They don't want to stand in the bar though. They're "privacy guys."
So I told 'em to meet under the underpass like a drive-thru.
DEE(eyes lighting up)
Wait. There's a line?
Is it like… a line-line? Because I can film a line.
DENNIS(snaps)
You are not filming the line.
DEE
I'm absolutely filming the line.
(She subtly tilts her phone toward the window where two WEIRDOS are already peering in.)
MAC(to Dennis)
We need rules. We need a code.
This is power, Dennis.
DEE(scrolling, eyes lit)
I have a list too.
Women who have wronged me.
Casting directors.
My old roommate who called me "energetic in a bad way."
DENNIS(flat)
Dee, that's not a crime.
DEE
It's a social crime.
CHARLIE(pointing at the book)
It's a DEMON BOOK! It's not supposed to be used for… Yelp revenge!
DENNIS
It's not Yelp revenge.
It's quality control.
MAC(serious, stepping between them)
Okay. I'm gonna say it.
We can't just be writing random names. That's vigilantism.
(Beat. Everyone stares at Mac.)
DEE
Mac, you love vigilantism.
MAC
I love structured vigilantism.
FRANK
I love profitable vigilantism.
CHARLIE
I love not dying in hell forever vigilantism.
(Dennis flips to a fresh page. At the top, in clean handwriting:)
"CUSTOMER SERVICE PUNISHMENT SYSTEM"
DEE(laughing)
You named it!!
DENNIS
Yes.
Because when you name something, you can defend it in court.
CHARLIE
You can't defend "Punishment System" in court!
DENNIS(without missing a beat)
Then we'll workshop the title.
(As they argue, the FRONT DOOR CREAKS—)
—and RYUK floats in, like he's returning to a party he already hated.
He looks… tired. Annoyed. Like he just did overtime.
RYUK(rubbing his eyes)
Okay. So.
(The gang freezes.)
DEE(automatic)
Ugh— why are you back.
RYUK
I left for, like… five minutes.
I thought maybe you'd be dead or arrested or… quieter.
DENNIS(stepping forward, pointing)
You.
Vendor demon. We need clarification on deliverables.
RYUK
No, you don't.
You need to give me the notebook back.
MAC(defensive, holy)
Absolutely not. It's an artifact now.
RYUK
It's not an artifact. It's my property.
And I'm… bored.
DEE(squinting at him)
You're bored?
RYUK
Yeah. This was fun with Light.
He had drama. He had ambition.
You people are doing… customer service.
DENNIS(offended)
Customer service is civilization.
RYUK
It's hell.
CHARLIE(quiet hope)
Wait—wait wait wait—
So if we give you the book… you go away?
RYUK(nods)
Yes.
CHARLIE
And nobody dies because of the book?
RYUK
Correct.
CHARLIE(turning to the gang, pleading)
Guys. Guys, that's it. That's the solution.
We give it back to Bone Demon and we go back to normal.
FRANK(immediately)
No.
DEE
Absolutely not.
MAC
We can't just give up power like that.
DENNIS(cold)
Charlie… we are mid-rollout.
CHARLIE
MID-ROLLOUT OF MURDER.
DENNIS(to Ryuk)
Okay. Here's what we're gonna do.
You can leave the notebook here—
and you can be… on-call support.
RYUK
No.
DENNIS
You can have a stipend.
RYUK
No.
DENNIS
You can have apples.
(Beat.)
RYUK(pauses)
…How many.
FRANK(jumping in, salesman)
We can get you apples. We got apple connections.
You ever had an apple from a guy in a parking lot? That's an alive apple.
RYUK
I want the notebook.
DENNIS
You can't just come in here and demand product returns.
We have a no-return policy.
DEE(to Ryuk, suddenly performative)
Also—like—no offense, but if you leave, I lose a very compelling mystique angle.
RYUK
I don't care.
MAC(to Dennis, urgent)
Dennis, the demon is trying to take our weapon.
This is spiritual warfare.
DENNIS
I'm aware, Mac.
CHARLIE(soft, to Ryuk)
If you take it… you promise you won't… haunt me?
RYUK
I'm already haunting you.
That's the deal.
CHARLIE(grimaces, then resolves)
Okay. Okay. Fine. But— like—
I want it done. I want it over.
(Charlie reaches for the Death Note.)
(Dennis puts a hand on it. Firm.)
DENNIS(low)
No.
CHARLIE(small)
Dennis—
DENNIS
Charlie, do not sabotage the system.
CHARLIE
The system is evil.
DENNIS
The system is effective.
(Charlie stares at Dennis. Then at the notebook. Then at Ryuk, who looks genuinely annoyed to be witnessing this.)
(Charlie makes a decision.)
(He smiles—fake, agreeable.)
CHARLIE(bright, too fast)
Okay! Yeah! Sure!
You're right! I'm sorry!
I got emotional.
(Dennis relaxes a fraction. Dee rolls her eyes. Frank glances out the window at the WEIRDOS like he's checking tables. Mac nods like Charlie just "saw the light.")
(Charlie inches closer, like he's just "straightening" the notebook.)
Then—
SNATCH.
Charlie grabs it, tucks it under his shirt like a football—
and BOLTS for the back door.
DENNIS
CHARLIE—!
DEE
OH MY GOD—
MAC
STOP HIM! HE HAS THE RELIC!
FRANK
THAT'S MY INVENTORY!
(to the window, shouting)
HEY! FOLLOW THE INVENTORY!
(Outside, the weirdos instantly start moving like migratory birds.)
(Ryuk just watches. Blinks. Shrugs.)
RYUK(to himself)
…Finally.
(The BACK DOOR SLAMS.)
SMASH CUT TO BLACK.