EXT. BACK ALLEY BEHIND PADDY'S / SOUTH PHILLY STREETS — DAY
(The BACK DOOR behind Paddy's SLAMS open.)
CHARLIE bursts out first, clutching the DEATH NOTE under his shirt like a stolen football.
DENNIS, MAC, DEE, and FRANK spill out after him—full chase mode, zero cardio.
DEE is already filming, laughing like this is a gift from God.
DEE(into phone)
This is incredible— Charlie is fleeing with the murder menu—
DENNIS(screaming)
STOP CALLING IT THAT!
MAC(tactical, sprinting weird)
CUT HIM OFF! CUT HIM OFF!
I'm gonna do a righteous flank!
FRANK(running, yelling back over his shoulder)
HEY! YOU! UNDERPASS GUYS! FOLLOW THE INVENTORY!
(Two SHADY WEIRDOS who were already lurking outside Paddy's immediately FALL IN BEHIND FRANK like ducklings.)
WEIRDO #1
Is this… the processing phase?
FRANK
Yeah! This is processing!
Outcomes take time! Like a pizza!
DENNIS(to Frank, mid-run)
WHY ARE THERE CUSTOMERS IN MY CHASE?!
FRANK
Because I'm a businessman, Dennis!
(Charlie turns a corner—vanishes toward an UNDERPASS.)
DENNIS
GOD—!
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. UNDERPASS / TRASHY CORNER OF SOUTH PHILLY — DAY
(We land in the underpass like it's a ritual site for bad decisions.)
CHARLIE backs up against a pillar, clutching the DEATH NOTE like it's a live grenade.
DENNIS stands in front of him like a furious maître d'.
MAC is half-crouched in "tactical righteousness."
DEE films, grinning, absolutely feral.
FRANK arrives with a SMALL LINE OF WEIRDOS.
(And—because the universe hates Charlie—CRICKET is already here. He's crouched near a TRASH BARREL FIRE, trying to warm his hands, filthy and miserable.)
CRICKET looks up and immediately regrets being alive.
CRICKET
…Why are you all here.
CHARLIE(panicked, pointing)
Because of you, Cricket! You started Demon Yelp!
CRICKET
I didn't start anything— I live under this bridge now, Charlie!
This is my house!
RYUK floats above everyone, arms crossed, bored beyond human experience.
DENNIS(dead calm)
Charlie.
Give it to me.
CHARLIE(high-pitched panic)
No! You're gonna do restaurant murder!
DENNIS
It's not restaurant murder.
It's consequence-based hospitality.
MAC(to Charlie, soothing but intense)
Charlie—hand it over to me.
I will secure the relic.
I will purify the relic.
I will become… its guardian.
DEE
Mac, you can't even guard a secret. You tell strangers you "do karate" at stoplights.
FRANK(to his customers, salesman voice)
Okay, folks, just so you know—this is the processing phase.
Outcomes take time. It's like… a pizza.
WEIRDO #1(suspicious)
You said forty minutes.
FRANK
Forty-ish.
You ever hear of "traffic"?
WEIRDO #2(sinister, quiet)
I paid for premium.
(Dennis hears "premium" and turns like someone just asked for the manager and he is the manager.)
DENNIS
Premium.
FRANK(proud)
Yeah, Dennis! Premium!
We're upselling!
DENNIS(horrified whisper)
Frank—what the hell is "premium."
FRANK
Premium is… permanent.
(Beat.)
MAC(alarmed)
That's murder-for-hire, Frank.
FRANK(annoyed)
No it's not, Mac. It's business.
Money goes in, problem goes out.
DEE(into camera, delighted)
Okay, so Frank just admitted to murder-for-hire on my livestream—
this is gonna do numbers.
DENNIS(snaps at Dee)
TURN IT OFF.
DEE
No. This is my brand now.
I'm like… Death Note adjacent.
RYUK(flat)
You're all so embarrassing.
CHARLIE(pointing at Ryuk, pleading)
SEE? EVEN THE DEMON THINKS WE'RE BAD!
DENNIS(to Ryuk, irritated)
Stop editorializing. You're a vendor.
RYUK
I'm not a vendor.
I'm a shinigami.
DENNIS
Okay, cool.
Vendor shinigami.
(Ryuk pinches the bridge of his nose like he's aging in real time.)
WEIRDO #2(to Frank, low)
Where's my outcome.
FRANK(gesturing toward Charlie)
It's in the football right now.
WEIRDO #2
Give me the football.
(Charlie recoils.)
CHARLIE
NO! You can't have it! You look like you eat crimes!
WEIRDO #2(dead)
I do.
MAC(stepping in, hands up)
Sir—sir—no.
We have a code.
We only do justice.
WEIRDO #2
My "justice" is… my neighbor.
DEE(laughing)
Oh my God.
DENNIS(to Frank, furious)
You brought actual criminals to the notebook.
FRANK
They're not criminals!
They're… motivated consumers.
WEIRDO #1(raising hand)
I'm not a criminal.
I just want my landlord to stop "randomly" inspecting my apartment.
CHARLIE(sympathetic, reflexively)
That's… that's actually fair—
DENNIS(immediate, snapping)
NO IT'S NOT.
We are not doing landlord law with demon paper!
FRANK
That's BASIC, Dennis!
DENNIS
STOP SAYING BASIC LIKE THIS IS A SALAD!
(Charlie clocks Cricket again—desperate.)
CHARLIE(pleading)
Cricket. This is your fault.
You gotta… you gotta fix it.
CRICKET(exploding)
MY FAULT?!
I dumped that book because I was hallucinating sobriety!
DENNIS(laser-pointing at Cricket, instantly seizing narrative)
See? See that?
Confession.
CRICKET
That's not a confession! That's a sentence!
DEE(into camera)
Okay wait, Cricket just confessed on my livestream— this is insane.
CRICKET(to Dee, panicked)
TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
I HAVE WARRANTS, DEE!
MAC(low, to Dennis)
Dennis… if the cops come, we need a fall guy.
(Dennis slowly turns and stares at Cricket like he just spotted a coupon.)
DENNIS(soft, reverent)
We already have one.
CRICKET
No.
DENNIS(sweet, managerial)
Cricket… buddy… pal…
Why don't you do the right thing and take responsibility.
CRICKET(screaming)
FOR WHAT?!
DENNIS
For bringing a death notebook into our community.
CRICKET
I DIDN'T BRING IT—
I got rid of it! That was the whole point!
CHARLIE(shoving the notebook toward Cricket, desperate)
Cricket! Take it!
If you take it, you're like… the owner again!
And then the demon goes with you!
RYUK(immediate)
I do not "go with" him.
(Ryuk looks at Cricket. Pauses. Grimaces.)
RYUK
…Actually, I would prefer not to.
CRICKET(to Charlie, frantic whisper)
Do not put this on me.
Do not put this on my hands.
My hands are already… cursed in a different way.
CHARLIE(tearful logic)
But you're already cursed, Cricket!
This is like… a combo curse! They cancel out!
CRICKET
That's not how curses work!
DENNIS(to the customers, customer-service voice)
Okay. Everyone calm down.
We are experiencing a temporary… service interruption.
WEIRDO #2
I want my outcome.
FRANK(to Dennis, whispering)
Give 'em something.
Give 'em a sample. Like at Costco.
(Dennis thinks. Then—bright idea, awful.)
DENNIS
Fine. We'll do a sample.
(Dennis steps toward Charlie, hand out. Smile back on.)
DENNIS(gentle)
Charlie… give me the notebook.
I'll do one—one—tiny little outcome.
Basic. No big deal.
CHARLIE(suspicious)
You're lying.
DENNIS
Charlie, I have never lied in my life.
DEE
That's insane.
DENNIS
I have only curated truths.
(Dennis leans in, softer—weaponizing Charlie's weird loyalty.)
DENNIS
If we don't give them something, Charlie…
they will hurt Frank.
And if Frank gets hurt, the bar gets hurt.
And if the bar gets hurt, you get hurt.
(Charlie's face shifts. That hits his "protect the bar" gland.)
CHARLIE(small)
…Don't hurt the bar.
DENNIS(gentle)
I won't.
(Charlie hesitates… then shoves the notebook forward.)
Dennis grabs it.
MAC instantly reaches in—hands on.
DEE grabs on too to capture "the moment."
FRANK slaps a hand on it because he's a raccoon.
Ryuk watches, resigned.
RYUK(exhaling)
Oh my God.
Okay, cool. Now you're all bound again.
MAC(serious)
Dennis, no killing. Only justice.
DENNIS
Fine.
DEE
Only targeted justice.
FRANK
Only justice that pays.
DENNIS(to the customers, bright)
Alright! Who's our sample.
WEIRDO #1(raising hand)
Landlord.
WEIRDO #2(quiet)
Neighbor.
DEE(raising her hand like a kid)
My rival comedian.
MAC(raising hand)
A predator.
FRANK(raising hand)
A debtor.
(Everyone starts talking at once. Dennis's eye twitches. He hates chaos unless he's the one doing it.)
DENNIS(yelling)
STOP. STOP—STOP—STOP—STOP.
(He points at WEIRDO #1.)
DENNIS
You. Landlord.
Fine. That's basic. It's… neutral.
WEIRDO #1
His name is—
CHARLIE(interrupting, suddenly firm)
NO.
(Everyone turns.)
CHARLIE(voice cracking, but determined)
No more writing. This is wrong.
This is like… Satan Yelp.
(Dennis's face goes cold.)
DENNIS
Charlie.
CHARLIE
No. We're done.
We give it back to the demon. Right now.
(He turns to Ryuk, desperate.)
CHARLIE
Ryuk. Take it. Please.
I can't do this.
(Ryuk holds out a hand like "finally.")
RYUK
Yes.
(Dennis tightens his grip.)
DENNIS
No.
MAC(warning)
Dennis…
DEE(to Dennis)
Dennis, if you don't give it back, my livestream becomes evidence.
FRANK(to Dennis, whispering)
Dennis, I got customers. I got premium—
DENNIS(whips to Frank)
FRANK, STOP SAYING PREMIUM!
(Dennis looks around: customers, cameras, demon, Cricket, Charlie—control slipping.)
He makes a call. A horrible, perfect Dennis call.
DENNIS(calm, decisive)
Okay. Fine.
We give it back.
(Charlie exhales in relief.)
DENNIS(immediately, pointing at Cricket)
But first—Cricket takes it.
(Beat.)
CRICKET
No.
DENNIS
Yes.
CRICKET
NO.
DENNIS(smiling)
Cricket. You brought it. You handle the return.
CRICKET(panic rising)
I did not bring it!
I delivered it under duress and drugs!
DENNIS
So you admit you were on drugs.
CRICKET
Everybody knows that!
DENNIS(to the customers, performing)
He's compromised. He's unstable.
He's clearly the source of this whole—
CRICKET(screaming)
YOU ARE FRAME-ING ME!
MAC(nodding, solemn)
Cricket… step into the Consequence Zone.
CRICKET
WHAT?!
DEE(to camera, delighted)
Oh my God, the Consequence Zone is mobile now.
CHARLIE(to Cricket, pleading)
Cricket, take it!
It's like… a haunted hot potato!
CRICKET(devastated)
Charlie, if I take it, I die.
Not from the book— from you people.
(Frank suddenly produces a LIGHTER like he's been waiting his whole life.)
FRANK
Alright—new plan. We destroy it.
DENNIS(snapping)
Frank—no!
FRANK
Yes! It's too hot!
We cut our losses, we burn the evidence, we keep the money!
MAC(instantly)
Fire purifies.
DENNIS
MAC—
MAC
Fire purifies, Dennis.
(Frank flicks the lighter—FLAME.)
Cricket sees fire and loses it. Survival brain activates.
CRICKET(screaming)
NO—NO—NO—NOT FIRE—!
He lunges—snatches the notebook out of the dogpile of hands like a starving raccoon stealing bread.
DENNIS
HEY—!
DEE(into camera)
YES! Cricket has possession! That's huge for my narrative!
CRICKET(holding it like a snake)
GET IT AWAY FROM ME!
He spins—eyes lock on the TRASH BARREL FIRE.
CRICKET(pure panic)
I'M NOT GOING TO JAIL FOR ANIME!
He CHUCKS the DEATH NOTE into the fire.
The cover curls. Pages flare. The "special" black sheen doesn't burn right—some of it chars like plastic.
Everyone freezes.
CHARLIE(horrified)
Cricket, what did you do?!
CRICKET
I SAVED ALL OF US!
DENNIS(furious)
THAT WAS INVENTORY!
FRANK(lunging toward fire)
MY PRODUCT!
MAC(reverent)
The relic returns to ash…
DEE(into camera)
Cricket just destroyed evidence on livestream— this is the best day of my life.
Ryuk stares at the burning notebook. Slowly raises a hand to his face.
RYUK(full facepalm)
You have got to be kidding me.
(The notebook pops. Blackens. Sinks into garbage.)
Ryuk sighs—and VANISHES. Just gone. A little gust of weird air.
Silence.
CHARLIE(soft, relieved)
He's gone.
MAC(immediate paranoia)
Okay. But is he like… gone gone?
DEE
If he comes back I'm asking him to collab.
FRANK(mourning)
My margins…
WEIRDO #2(to Frank, cold)
Where's my outcome.
FRANK(panicked)
Uh—service interruption.
WEIRDO #2
I paid for premium.
FRANK(pleading)
We don't do premium anymore. Premium's canceled.
WEIRDO #2
Refund.
FRANK
No refunds.
(The weirdos start getting angry. Dennis's reflex kicks in—manager mode.)
DENNIS(hands up, smooth)
Okay! Great!
We're gonna address all customer concerns—
Cricket will be issuing refunds—
CRICKET
WHAT?!
DENNIS
—and Cricket will be taking full responsibility for this disruption.
CRICKET(screaming)
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
DENNIS(calm, pointing at Cricket like a sign)
Yes I can.
Because you're the only one here who looks like a crime.
DEE(to camera, nodding)
He does.
MAC(solemn)
He does.
FRANK(immediate)
He does.
CHARLIE(weakly)
He kinda does.
Cricket's mouth opens and closes like a fish learning betrayal.
CRICKET
I… hate you people.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. PADDY'S PUB — LATER
(The Gang sits at the bar like nothing happened.)
(A NEW SIGN is taped up:)
"GUARANTEED OUTCOMES — TEMPORARILY CLOSED (DUE TO CRICKET)"
(Also: "NO CATS." still there.)
Frank counts cash. Dee edits her video. Mac wipes his "SECURITY" vest like it's a uniform.
Dennis scribbles in a brand-new notebook titled: "CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE INCIDENT REPORTS."
Charlie stares into his beer like he saw God and it was annoying.
The FRONT DOOR opens. Two COPS enter.
COP #1
We got a report about some kind of… "death notebook."
DENNIS(instant, smooth)
Officer. Thank God you're here.
We've been terrorized.
COP #2
By who.
Dennis doesn't hesitate.
DENNIS(points)
Cricket.
COP #1
Cricket?
DEE
Rickety Cricket. Local menace. Like a raccoon with a face.
MAC
Spiritually compromised.
FRANK
He robbed customers.
CHARLIE(quietly)
He gave me a reading book.
COP #2
Where is he.
DENNIS
He fled.
After setting fire to evidence.
In front of— (gestures at Dee's phone) —a livestream.
DEE(turns phone around)
I got it all. Including him screaming "I'm not going to jail for anime."
COP #1(grimacing)
Jesus.
MAC(nodding)
That's basically a confession.
DENNIS(soft, earnest)
We are victims here.
FRANK
He also stole from premium customers.
DENNIS(a warning glance to Frank)
…From customers.
The cops exchange a look like they've walked into a cursed daycare.
COP #2
Alright. We'll… look for him.
The cops leave.
The second the door closes—
FRANK(relieved)
Nailed it.
DEE
Cricket's going down.
MAC
Justice prevailed.
DENNIS(calm, satisfied)
Crisis management. It's what I do.
CHARLIE(still haunted)
Guys… are we going to hell?
(Beat. They all look at him like he's being annoying on purpose.)
DENNIS
Charlie, everybody's going to hell.
It's about branding when you get there.
FRANK
I'm gonna run hell.
DEE
I'm gonna be famous in hell.
MAC
I'm gonna be a hell-cop.
Charlie sighs. Drinks.
SMASH CUT TO:
TAG
EXT. UNDERPASS / ALLEY NEAR THE TRASH FIRE — NIGHT
Cricket crouches by the same trash barrel, shivering, soot on his face.
A cop car rolls by slowly. Cricket freezes.
They don't stop. They just shine a light and keep going.
Cricket exhales—then looks down.
In the ashes: something BLACK and CRISPY… but not normal paper.
A SINGLE HALF-BURNED PAGE, edges charred, center still holding that weird black sheen.
Cricket catches it without thinking.
CRICKET(whispering, terrified)
…Oh no.
A SHADOW drifts behind him.
Cricket slowly turns.
RYUK is floating there again—chewing an apple like this is a vending machine break.
RYUK(dead)
Hi.
Cricket lets out the smallest, most defeated sound in human history.
CRICKET
…Why.
RYUK
One page survives, the contract survives.
CRICKET
I touched ash.
RYUK
Counts.
(Beat.)
RYUK(holds up apple)
Got any more of these.
CRICKET(near tears)
No.
RYUK
Shame.
Ryuk studies Cricket a second—then sighs like he's accepting a miserable assignment.
RYUK
Honestly…
you might be the only one here who gets it.
Cricket stares, hollow.
CRICKET
I don't get anything.
RYUK
Exactly.
FADE OUT.