"Almighty Tenten, please wake up!"
The voice reached her before anything else. Before the light. Before the headache. Before the weight of unfamiliar satin sheets and the tangle of limbs around her.
Even before the part where she noticed there was a crowd gathered outside her window.
She blinked once. Then twice.
Frankly, she'd never been this in-demand in all her life.
What the hell?
"What's going on?" she croaked.
An old man immediately threw himself at her feet.
He was sobbing. Not the polite kind of sobbing, either—he was wailing with religious fervor, the sort of trembling devotion you only see in cultists and bootlickers.
"Forgive us for disturbing your divine slumber, O Forty-Five-Tails Jinchūriki Goddess! Unparalleled Tenten-sama, most powerful ninja in the history of the Hidden Leaf! But a grave peril looms! And only you can save us!"
"…Forty-five tails?" Tenten muttered. "What even is a Jinchūriki?"
She hadn't done anything remotely worth that kind of praise. She was a weapon's specialist with a decent arm. She couldn't even summon a talking animal.
But that wasn't even the weirdest part of her morning.
That would be the fact that she'd awoken in a massive, lavish bed draped in silk and mystery, surrounded by—
Sakura Haruno. Ino Yamanaka. Hinata Hyuga. And… Temari, probably? (Tenten still remembered the Chun-Li wannabe who kicked her ass during the Chūnin Exams.)
All of them—sweaty, flushed, mid-undress, tangled together like a yuri doujinshi artist's fever dream.
Okay. That's new.
She extricated herself from the cuddle pile, threw on a robe she found on the floor (it had shoulder pads, gold trim, and a symbol of the Fire Daimyō stitched on the back), and tiptoed out of the room.
Down five flights of spiraling stairs.
Past walls lined with legendary kunai, war fan trophies, and tasteful oil paintings of herself in various battle poses.
When she finally made it outside, the crowd bowed.
Tenten had just walked out of the Hokage's Tower.
And that robe she'd casually slipped into?
Yeah. It was the Hokage robe.
"This is crazy," she whispered. "I have to be dreaming."
Right on cue, Naruto appeared.
"Dattebayo!"
"Naruto!" she gasped. "The village—doesn't it need you?!"
He chuckled. "Hokage-sama, even now you joke? There's no one stronger than you. You handled Madara last time, remember?"
Tenten's jaw dropped. "Wait. Madara is here?! Now?!"
"Yeah, he wanted a rematch. Said you embarrassed him in front of the Akatsuki."
That's when Jiraiya walked out of a ramen shop nearby, yawning and scratching his neck.
"Guy's still mad about that?" he said, waving. "You kicked his ass so hard I came back from the dead just to see it again."
Tenten was spiraling.
"You're alive?! But you died! I—I read the filler!"
"Not in this timeline, kiddo. You saved me from the Six Paths of Pain while hauling me over your shoulder like a fireman ninja goddess. You're the reason I'm writing again!"
Just then, a puff of purple smoke exploded beside her, and Rock Lee appeared, bowing with such fervor it looked painful.
He had Tenten's hairstyle.
And wore a bright pink cheongsam.
"Lady Tenten! My Mid-Afternoon Lion's Eye Genjutsu has confirmed Madara's approach! The village awaits your glorious intervention!"
"…Lee. You're using Genjutsu now?"
He nodded furiously. "Thanks to your peerless instruction, Sensei!"
"I suck at Genjutsu."
"Your humility only deepens my love."
"Stop calling me sensei!"
Then a second puff of smoke.
Might Guy, same pink outfit, same hairdo.
"Lady Tenten! My proudest former pupil! Stop stalling and go blast that has-been off the map!"
"I can't beat Madara!"
"Don't say that!" barked Tsunade, who appeared in a bikini top, sunglasses, and a towel slung over one bronzed shoulder.
"You're the Hokage now," she said, brushing past Tenten. "Act like it."
"But you were Hokage!"
"Retired. Now your chief advisor. Also, your wife."
Tenten's scream was internal. Loud, though.
Before she could recover, Sasuke appeared beside her.
"You."
"Sasuke?! Weren't you, like, evil?"
"Not anymore."
Orochimaru slithered up beside him, laying a nonconsensual hand upon his curse mark-free neck. "He's not. I am. But even I wouldn't mess with someone like Tenten-sama."
A storm of crows exploded from the sky, swirling into Itachi Uchiha, who bowed before her.
"The Akatsuki await your command."
Then came the full squad. Deidara, Kisame (Tenten briefly thought his name was "Kissanime"), and even Sasori, who quietly asked:
"Don't forget our deal. Once you defeat Madara, I expect you to revive my parents so I can kill them again. For art."
"Hard pass."
And with those two words, Sasori disintegrated.
Poof. Gone.
Shikamaru strolled past, yawning. "She's got this. Wake me when it's over."
Kakashi appeared brushing his teeth and reading Naruto fanfic.
Choji was eating something violently large.
Even Neji was there. Alive.
He smiled at her. "You've got this."
"Neji!" she gasped. Tears welled up.
He leaned close and whispered: "After all, you're the woman I chose to marry."
Cue full-on screaming.
Naruto clapped her on the back. "See? Everyone believes in you! Dattebayo!"
And then… she looked up.
At Masashi Kishimoto, nodding from the clouds with solemn approval.
Tenten clenched her fists.
"Fine. I'll do it," she said, deepening her voice. "As Hokage, I'll protect the village with everything I've got."
Just as she stepped forward—
The harem reappeared.
In battle bikinis. Sheer scarves. Midriff madness. Sakura, Hinata, Temari, and Ino, all twirling weapons and winking.
"We'll handle the warm-up," Sakura said.
"Wives' duty," Ino added.
"WIVES?!" Tenten shrieked.
They unleashed combo jutsu so synchronized it made Kakashi sob into his toothpaste. Madara got yeeted halfway into another dimension by a fan hurricane.
Meanwhile, Ino dragged Tenten back to the Hokage's tower for a relaxation break.
"Let's talk," Ino said with a sultry smile, massaging her shoulders.
Tenten groaned. "This has to be a dream."
"Maybe. But wouldn't you rather live in one where you're finally the main character?"
Tenten almost agreed.
Especially after Ino transformed into Tenten with bigger boobs and whispered:
"Your wish…is my jutsu."