Chapter 3: Konan: This is Too Perverted!
"Tch, if I don't know, I don't want to know!"
"Instead of wasting time, I'd rather use it to pray to Jashin-sama once more."
Hidan finally left the cave, grumbling to himself.
Outside, Hidan found a comfortable spot, clutched his Jashin pendant, and began his routine prayer.
Inside the cave, Kakuzu, who had seen Hidan out, returned.
"He's praying, so he definitely won't be eavesdropping. Now you can speak," Kakuzu said, his eyes fixed on Shiromo.
An invisible pressure seemed to emanate from him. Any mistake, no matter how small, and Kakuzu would immediately begin to doubt whether Shiromo's previous "pie-in-the-sky" ideas were flawed as well.
"No problem," Shiromo said, trying to stay calm.
"Before I begin, I need to confirm something. Everyone here knows about Hidan's abilities, right?"
Shiromo carried a wooden frame and placed it on a high shelf. Pain silently stepped aside to make room for him in the middle.
"I know," Kakuzu replied coolly.
"Of course I know! This guy makes no attempt to hide anything, he's incredibly arrogant! Doesn't he know that intelligence is the most important thing for a ninja?" Deidara scoffed in disdain.
"You're not much better," Sasori, nestled in Hiruko, muttered hoarsely.
In the end, everyone knew about Hidan's abilities. They also understood his personality weaknesses. For instance, if Hidan was praying outside, everyone knew he would never dare to blaspheme his "Jashin" by eavesdropping.
As for how Shiromo, the newcomer, knew about Hidan's abilities, the Akatsuki members assumed their leader, Pain, had informed the "strategist." So, they didn't find it strange.
"Hidan's Curse Technique: Death Controlling Possessed Blood is very powerful. As long as he obtains an enemy's blood, Hidan can synchronize the damage he receives to that enemy. And this guy can survive fatal wounds," Shiromo began, his voice steady.
"The key to his technique lies in how to obtain the enemy's blood," he continued, placing a stack of papers on the shelf, like a low-budget PowerPoint presentation.
"My initial idea was to find a way to obtain the insect technique of the Konoha Aburame clan so that Hidan could contract a mosquito summoning beast..."
"Holy crap, that's insane!" Deidara interrupted, waving his hands to shoo away some mosquitoes in the cave.
Shiromo nodded. "The problem with this plan is that if we steal the Aburame clan's secret technique, Konoha will definitely be on alert and take special precautions against related insects. Even if it's an Aburame clan insect, its stealth is extremely poor against sensory ninjas. If there are too few mosquitoes, the blood they suck won't be enough for Hidan to use his ability even once. If there are too many mosquitoes, it will be easy to get exposed. And besides, given Hidan's unwavering faith in Jashin, I'm not sure he'd even be willing to form a summoning contract. So, this plan was quickly rejected."
"Then, I considered other plans, like disguising ourselves as a neutral medical organization and promoting voluntary blood donations. But I rejected those one by one as well."
Shiromo spoke, but even though he hadn't gotten to the main point yet, the Akatsuki members listened with great interest. There was no sign of boredom. Maybe it was because of the "PowerPoint presentation" style, or maybe because Shiromo's ideas were novel and his logic so meticulous.
"Finally, I've come up with a perfect plan. The only flaw is that Hidan can't find out about it."
"Hmm?" White Zetsu and Black Zetsu looked at him, puzzled.
Shiromo pointed at the pitcher plant below. "Zetsu is responsible for intelligence gathering in our organization, and he's also the most skilled in infiltration and stealth, right? Zetsu, can you infiltrate the Five Great Shinobi Villages?"
Shiromo knew about White Zetsu's terrifying ability to hide and disguise, but the others in Akatsuki didn't realize how skilled Zetsu was in this area. Shiromo asked Zetsu mainly to make the others understand.
"Yes, no problem. So, what would I be infiltrating the Five Great Shinobi Villages for?" White Zetsu replied confidently.
Even though the Five Great Shinobi Villages all had sensory barriers, White Zetsu could easily infiltrate them during repairs or when the barriers were being changed. Without such rotations or repairs, White Zetsu could contact a village ninja who was out, copy their chakra, and disguise himself as a village ninja to safely pass through the barrier.
White Zetsu's disguise ability was so strong during the Fourth Shinobi World War that if Naruto hadn't gained the ability to sense malice, he wouldn't have been able to distinguish friend from foe.
"Just do one thing: go to the public toilets in the Five Great Shinobi Villages, and the toilets in the homes of important ninjas, and collect something..." Shiromo said.
"Huh? Toilets? You don't mean I have to collect poop, do you?" White Zetsu looked surprised, even a little shy.
"Uh, no." Shiromo's lips twitched.
"Why are you blushing?"
"As everyone knows, girls have those few days every month..." Shiromo said, his voice trailing off.
"Don't look at me." Konan's face darkened as Shiromo's gaze shifted to her.
"But there's nothing we can do. The Akatsuki mostly has males, with only one woman," Shiromo added quickly, avoiding Konan's glare.
Konan sighed, rubbing her forehead. "I don't even want to think about this. Continue, please."
Shiromo gave a small nod and continued his "presentation."
"In other words, all we need to do is collect discarded sanitary waste, and with Hidan's abilities, we will essentially control the lifeblood of the entire ninja world!"
As soon as Shiromo finished speaking, the entire cave fell silent, as if everyone had died.
Especially Konan, the only woman in the group. Her breathing even stopped.
Almost instantly, Konan decided that from now on, all trash would be burned on the spot to avoid encountering a pervert like Shiromo.
"Wait, Byaku, what's with that look? I'm seriously proposing a plan! Do you guys think there's something wrong with this idea?" Shiromo noticed Konan glaring at him like he was some kind of pervert and became somewhat annoyed.
"There's a problem. What about the male ninjas?" Konan took a deep breath to calm herself before speaking.
"It's common knowledge that nine out of ten men have hemorrhoids. Someone like the Third Tsuchikage, Onoki, who can strain his back even while walking, definitely has hemorrhoids. White Zetsu can just collect the bloodstains from when he wipes his... you know."
"As for the Raikage, who is strong and healthy and may not have hemorrhoids, it doesn't matter. As long as we have enough samples, it's like having countless hostages. Even those whose blood we don't have still be intimidated, unless they are emotionless loners," Shiromo explained matter-of-factly.
"Right, right, that old man Onoki has hemorrhoids! I know that!" Deidara excitedly waved his arms.
"...That's too perverted," Konan sighed, facepalming.
"No wonder we have to keep it from Hidan. Given Hidan's personality, if he knew where the blood came from, he'd see it as 'blasphemy against his Jashin-sama' and would absolutely refuse," Konan muttered, shaking her head.
Kakuzu, however, didn't find anything perverted and calmly analyzed the situation.
Sasori remained silent, crouched inside Hiruko, thankful that he had already abandoned his physical body and didn't have to worry about being targeted by this pervert for hemorrhoids.
(End of this chapter)