The lonely moon was shining through the clouds, keeping an eye on everything that bathed under its ethereal and ghostly light. Illuminating shyly this room where a boy was sleeping, or at least was trying to.
Seven days since the start of this "routine".
Seven nights of nightmares.
Always the same, one that came from something far too deep to be completely handled in a single life and even less in a single week.
If a problem was without a solution, what could he do to ease the pain?
Addressing the problem at its root wasn't the right call, so what could it be? Maybe, to treat ailments, all you need to do is to take care of their consequences? A problem without impact can hardly be called one.
Sunless couldn't really grasp the logic behind all this, after all, it wasn't a problem in the first place. Only a promise he tried to keep despite his failure to do so until now.
A knight who kept fighting even after the fall of his kingdom.
But was it truly worth it, if it meant for him to wither away and never be remembered? To stay a simple number in a list of causality? A leaf of lost tree that disappeared through a gust of wind, to never be seen again.
And still, when you can't sink any lower, the only options left are to rise to the surface or to drown.
A hand reaching for the light of a distant changing star…or could it be the lightbulb of a mortuary?
-"..."
It's the seventh night, and Sunny had gone through the nightmare that seemed to be part of an endless cycle. Escaping this oneiric torture while his clothes and sheets were drenched in his sweat and silent tears. The shivers didn't even stop after he opened his eyes, the voice of the damned repeating itself in his head.
His instincts were screaming at him to hide.
Blending dreams with reality, because the fear was nothing if not real. The simple thought of leaving the blanket was terrifying. The same ways that it was the night before, and the night prior. And just like those same nights, it took him some time to finally move.
An arm leaving this false sense of security made of fabric and cloth. Trembling in silence as his hand kept trying to reach its goal, his salvation.
In search of solace in the shape of a golden bell.
cling cling
The tears had already dried up, never to be seen nor mentioned. Any residue of them got erased by his left sleeve as his arm didn't even dare to wait before returning under the veil called a blanket.
The silence was oppressing.
Each breath taken sounded to him like a proof of his existence, one that needed to be forgotten.
Never to be seen, heard or even remembered.
It was the only way to stay safe… his only way. The sole mechanism of self-defense of his existence. Then, steps came to life, coming closer and closer to his room until…
KNOCK KNOCK
-"Sunless. Enter. Can I?"
-"...please…"
The fewer the words, the higher the chance to not be targeted. Still, the invitation was given and he had accepted. But what if it wasn't her? That thought was haunting him.
It's not because it wasn't the case all those nights before that he was safe from that possibility. On the contrary, a bait can work a lot better if you don't pull the trigger at the first opportunity presented to you.
He was a prey.
He had to think like one to survive.
Survive the Outskirt, the manor…his own thoughts.
The sound of the door opening was like the ultimate gamble of the night. One he hated way too much for the simple fact that he was waiting for it all this time.
To take a break from this hell that he calls his mind.
From his urge to scream at each noise coming from beyond his sight, this need to hold himself tight in a useless attempt to mimic the embrace of his loved one. All that in hope of feeling something else while thinking of them than dread, despair and sorrow.
Since his departure from the orphanage, Sunny had always had those nightmares but they never were that strong. Nor regular.
Each night was pushing his mind to his limit…
The idea of escaping grew stronger each time. He needed to return there…To the Outskirt.
The door was open.
And yet, he had to wait for a moment before having the luxury and the misfortune to hear footsteps once more. Through the sheet of his blanket, Sunny got to see little white light coming from nothingness only to disappear the next second.
Darkness took over once again. Until it didn't.
Moonlight wasn't enough to reassure the boy, so… what about a candle?
Showing the way to its bearer, that new source of light was placed on the nightstand, near the bell and handkerchief. The shadow of the figure was visible for Sunny, but not its face.
-"Sunless. Are you alright? Want time? Hurt somewhere? Chest Pain?"
That voice, that speaking pattern, that concern for him and more importantly, the weight of her gaze on him through the blanket.
He knew who it was, but still had to ask.
-"Is that you, Jeanne?"
He was waiting motionless, and she was doing the same as the flickers of the candle became their sole sign of the time passing.
-"It's…It's me. Sunless."
It wasn't hesitation in her sentence, but a correction as if she had restrained herself to say more, or simply something else. But it was enough for him.
Taking a big breath, he then dared to look outside his cocoon.
Just enough to take a peek of what's or who was waiting for him.
There she was, the tired doctor.
She was smiling at him, in a way that calmed him a bit more. Because this one had more thought behind it than anything else. Even though he couldn't describe them.
It was deep.
Like an ocean on a windless night of a full moon.
Calm on the surface, but under it? Who knows?
-"Getting up. Need help?"
The fewer the words…
A silent answer was given, his little head shaking sideways.
He couldn't do more, because pushing even beyond would only result in cries he didn't want. Someone had once said to him that if you kept crying, you'll have no more tears left to shed. He started to hope to be like this, praying internally to not feel anything anymore. Feeling didn't matter if it meant saving Rain.
-"..."
Pushing the blanket aside, Sunny was now waiting for the tired doctor to prepare the wheelchair. No words were exchanged if not needed, neither of them had the strength nor the will to do otherwise. At least for now.
Moving on his own, pushing and crawling with his arms to get closer to edge. It took him ten good seconds but his head was finally poking out of the bed. The fear started to turn into something darker.
Looking down, the ground wasn't far.
Would it hurt if he fell?
Would it be like jumping off a building?
Maybe, but he would sadly just have a bump from hitting the ground.
At "home", it wasn't rare to hear it, the sound of a skull exploding against the tarmac. From people who couldn't do it anymore…or simply made enemies out of the wrong people.
Would it be painless or ma—
-"Chest Pain?"
Reality kept haunting him once again.
Still, his gaze was stuck on the floor. The flow of thought had been interrupted. What was he thinking again? Taking a moment to regain his composure, a shy smile was given with an answer:
-"I'm good."
A lie.
Or at least, he wasn't truly lying… No chest pain to report, but to say he was "good"?
What a joke.
Jeanne seemed to have noticed it from the silence she gave, he had to take it as her way to say that she wouldn't push the question. Repositioning himself, his legs were now hanging until…
'Hum… '
Not enough strength to do real steps, but just enough to stumble into the wheelchair. His first time reaching it alone but he wasn't happy. Exhausted in every way, forcing himself to keep his breathing calm and steady.
Feeling empty, his attention was now turned toward the little flame burning not far from him. Its light reflecting on his eyes like sunlight against obsidian. Two endless pits where light had been extinguished, turned into a starving beast.
Trying to replace what's irreplaceable.
Still, it didn't mean that what he had found wasn't interesting. So when Jeanne tried to take it back, his faint voice finally rang. Not to answer but to ask.
-"Jeanne…your candle, it's a Memory, right…? Can I hold it, please?"
A lost cau—
-"Of course."
Sunny froze at this instant, because he didn't expect the answer to be positive. Without time to think, the woman was already moving to get it for him. Stepping in front of him, only to show where and how to put his hand under the candlestick.
At the first touch, the coldness was all he felt, then came the unseen little heatwave caressing his face. The feeling under his finger was hard to describe. What was it made of? If he had to guess, it would be a mix of something metallic and a stone. One that was polished in a weird way.
Still, the warmth he felt had him yearning for more. To cover all his body gently.
His attention turned into fascination, a love for something primal.
-"Thank you, Jeanne…'
-"You're welcome. Now. Don't move."
Now bearer of light, Sunny only had to watch as the woman behind him started to push him. The movement was slow but what was the point of being fast when your objective is to calm down?
Leaving the room had him relax a bit more. A weight taking off his shoulder. He felt a little less like a prisoner. A captive child that could only dream of walking around by himself.
It was irritating.
The candle started to sway, forcing him to keep his focus on it. Maybe it was better that way. To keep his attention towards the flame.
-"Didn't scream. This time too. I'm happy."
Putting salt in a wound that didn't really need one. Telling him that wasn't helpful at all, even if she meant to be gentle with him.
The third nightmare had been harder on him than the other.
In that one, Sunny wasn't chased in the sewer but he was simply in his old appartement. His first night without a father to wait for.
Then… a fire broke out.
The screams…
The smell…
And Rain, she…
It had been too much at that time, to a point where he woke up screaming like a madman. The images were engraved in his eyes, unable to put them away. Even with the tears that wouldn't stop falling, or with the storm outside raging against his window.
He couldn't even think of reaching for the bell.
Repeating the same sentence again and again:"I will save you."
Like an act of defiance against that ending that shouldn't even be. His way of resisting.
That night, Jeanne wasn't the first to arrive at his room but Nephis. Staying just outside the room but looking at him in silence through the little opening of the door. Her presence had been only known because of the flashes of lightning, preventing her from staying in the shadows.
She wasn't looking like someone who just woke up, she was trembling. If she was angry at him for his screaming, she may simply go cry about it to her Grandma.
It wasn't that important since she had to go when Jeanne arrived, leaving without saying anything. To prevent that scenario from happening again, Jeanne had been on watch duty while being given the other part of the golden bell.
She was treating those nightmares as an emergency.
So yeah…mentioning it was really helpful. Really. The only thing missing would be a picture of his mother, that would be the cherry on top of that disaster he called his life.
Her remark was left unanswered, for obvious reasons.
His eyes were still on the candle though, as if he was trying to understand it. His first time touching a Memory, and he had his questions…or at least one.
-"Does it have a name?"
-"Hum?"
-"This Memory, does it have one? A name?"
A moment of silence where, for once, Sunless didn't feel like he had asked something he shouldn't have. The words were left unanswered, as Jeanne's breathing gave out her silent chuckle.
Without speaking, Sunless then slowly turned his head towards the doctor. She was still pushing him but when their eyes met, she finally realized that he was clearly more invested in that matter than she had realized.
A sudden switch seemed to have been turned because she was now trying to match his attitude.
-"Yes. It does. Any reason? For asking?"
A logic behind a question. Well, Sunny can at least give it to her.
Returning his gaze to look upon the candle, his voice rang a tone that sounded almost nostalgic-like.
-"Because nothing shall be left unnamed. It would be just…sad."
Said feeling started to take over his little figure, infecting him just by thinking of it. A name is proof of your existence to others. Too many had died without a name to remember them. To those who loved or hated them.
Did people use his name for that? To hate him? Acting like a magnet or a road sign to direct all that disgust toward him.
-"About that. Why "Sunless"?"
A question that came to caress the source of infection of all his fear and sadness. Tonight, she's really going all-out to make him uncomfortable.
She was asking but he felt like she was demanding him, an order wearing the clothes of kindness.
This feeling was unjustified but it didn't matter, it was just there for him to experience against his will. So, to break that equilibrium of authority, Sunny had to dare and go beyond. Far beyond his idea of silent comfort, of a rhythm of speaking just when it was for the last option or the best one.
A bargain without anything to impose himself.
-"I'm telling you only if you're telling me your Memory's name first."
A child doing affairs with an adult that could simply push him into the stairs and smash his head with the wheelchair.
Really unlikely. But it is still a possibility.
One that he feared more than he wanted to admit. But if he wanted to let go of that feeling of being owned by her, he had to push even more.
-"Just because it's you, I'll also give you my parents names. My last offer."
A narrative where he has his say on things. Where secrets can be kept and stories be untold.
Jeanne was silent for a moment only to let out a simple sound from the depths of her throat.
-"Hmm…"
Corrosive thoughts came to him, his mind calling for his imminent end.
'I'm done. I'm so dead… Did I angered her? A plan to run away. I need to–'
-"You drive. A hard bargain…. Fine. I'll tell you. You little terror~."
The weight of an imaginary world of doubt had been demolished at this instant. His disappointed expectation of a reaction couldn't have been more wrong.
Everything in her answer was acting like a bandage to the estrangement of his soul.
The brightness in her voice, the joyful tone mixed with the exaggeration. As if his act wasn't even something bad that could be taken against him.
Where was the remark?
That he should be grateful? To not cause a scene? To do what he was told to do, like the Outskirts rat he truly was?
To keep this charade of a relationship with them?
As if he had imagined a trap that wasn't even there…
-"Valtria's Present"
-"Hum?"
Forced to leave his thoughts for later, Sunny had to return his attention to the discussion. At least with his ears, since his eyes hadn't moved from the candle.
-"It's name. Valtria's Present. Description. For later. Not included. Into bargain."
…
Even now, she was still playful as her soft chuckle rang behind him. A pattern he couldn't process actively, so why does he feel like his body was getting a bit hotter? That his dried eyes were searching for an non-existent reserve of tears to take form?
His heartbeat quickened by and for an emotion.
In a way that couldn't be described, he had been moved.
And he felt completely defenseless.
Because, right now, Sunless was unable to react, overwhelmed and dumbfounded. When was the last time someone tried to be gentle like this with him while he was there, trying to be an ass?
A preventative attack that wasn't needed.
Bringing guns to a heartfelt discussion with a saint.
Not those who are fighting in the Dream Realm but the kind of saint that helps you remember the possibility of kindness in humanity.
He hated it.
He was craving for more.
-"Your turn. Tell me. Why "Sunless"?"
Contradiction manifested, Sunless who had been completely lost until now was finally back. The defensive stance of his heart had returned to its peak performance or something close to it.
Taking a long breath to clear his mind, Sunny was now respecting his part of the bargain.
-"My mom was named Luna. My dad's name was Elios. Both were named after something beyond the sky. So my mom tried to stay on the theme with me. Since I was born during a solar eclipse, she named me Sunless but she kept calling me Sunny. But that's nothing co-"
Clenching his teeth, he had to stop himself from telling more than he promised to.
That was a dead zone.
Something that should only be known by him or the dead.
The existence of his sister was one of his deepest secrets, and he almost shared it because he got a bit too comfortable with Jeanne.
As if he could trust her.
That will never happen.
Because trust was a lie.
There's no such thing as trust in life.
Since one needs to be strong enough to impose himself and force others to follow him. Only the strong can ask something without fear of being stabbed or manipulated.
Trust is nothing without something behind it to keep everyone in check and in chains.
Using weakness as leverage to be sure of being listened to.
The strong talk and the weak follow. Of course there were some ways to act against it, acting like a group with people sharing the same goal as you. But the risk of having someone weak minded was still there. Isn't it why rations were drugged and monopolized in some areas? To impose a will against someone else using a substitution to strength?
In his case, he had nothing and so…he could trust no one.
And yet, even now, Jeanne kept her happy-go-lucky behavior. A simple glimpse of her was enough to be sure of it. She wasn't about to push it or something like that. She simply gave him an answer directed to his fears, acting like a warning for them.
To leave and never return.
-"No worry. Talk to me. Only if. You're ready. And if. You want it. People have secrets. Even me. I won't pry. If you don't. Too. Deal?"
Was his thoughts that obvious?
Maybe.
But the faster they move on, the better his heart will be. That kind of stress would give him more chest pain than anything else. So his remarks and criticism would have to wait for a better opportunity to spit their venom.
Against someone that deserves it.
But despite that thought, his answer had been delayed by another one. The kind that seems to touch where it hurts.
-"Deal… but Jeanne?"
-"Yes?"
-"Is there any way for you to… how to say it… replace Ashe from her watch during the day?"
For the first time, Jeanne had stopped pushing the wheelchair. Seriously, why would she react like this for that question but simply not being angry when he tried to bargain?
This situation was awkward, Sunless was now starting to regret having followed his fleeting courage of asking that question.
Both were immobile, standing in the dark as Valtria's Present was acting as a support to make it less exhausting.
Because it was exhausting, that sudden silence that took over them.
-"Something happened? With Ashe?"
Somehow, the situation had changed.
Because at that instant, Sunny was reminded of Jeanne's status as a chosen of the Nightmare Spell. Her warm and sweet aura had turned into something else. Much like a predator analysing a situation.
And yet, her tone was caring.
She was taking him seriously, while he was asking that question only out of greed.
-"Nothing happened… it's just that…"
The words weren't lacking in his mind but they couldn't leave his sealed lips.
What if his next words were to have too much impact? Showing too much of what he really was? Breaking once again everything he touches?
Without motion, the little flame of the candle started to feel a bit colder.
And so, his next words became a simple whisper that the wind couldn't blow.
-"She pushes again and again… as if she was important to me…or that I was important to her. Talking to her doesn't feel…right. Compared to you."
The weight on his shoulders started to slowly fade away, as Sunny knew instinctively that Jeanne had relaxed a little. A crisis had been avoided. But still, her question came a second later, as she wasn't as confident as before.
-"And with me? How is it ?"
The answer had been given already but what she was asking for was not an answer but the details that came with it. Asking for the content of a letter that Sunny never wrote nor shared with anyone.
He could, theoretically, tell her how he fell with her.
But there is a world of difference between a hypothesis and the reality.
Betrayed by the very light that warmed him up until now, Sunny was now unable to hide his expression to the doctor. She was maybe behind him, but with her height, all she had to do to look at his face was to lean slightly over.
To see his expression being used like a canvas to a battle of emotion. Feeling things was easy, you just had to endure them. Thinking about them was basically the same thing but triggered deliberately. But sharing them ?
It was as if his entire body was rejecting that idea, that…risk?
Lying was not something good, his mother had always told him so… But the truth was never good to be shared or known. A lie is far easier to tell, even if you know that the person in front of you doesn't believe you.
All that mattered was that the truth shall never be confirmed.
-"Not better, but at least you're silent."
He was a jerk. He knews that…
And his "respecting people's effort" talk? Was he a hypocrite?
Maybe.
No, he had no doubt about it.
But it was better for him to be a hypocrite than to expose himself. He had to keep his distance with everyone, to not get too close. After all, he was leaving in three weeks from now, if nothing unexpected happened, of course…
He truly hoped that he didn't jinx himself with that type of thinking.
-"Ashe. Only Option. Available. Sorry…"
Her voice seemed a bit disappointed, and Sunless was trying his best not to think of it. It would hurt… Just to be a reason behind someone suffering. No, it was surely because it was her that was impacted that it would hurt. Because she's taking care of him like no one before, and for that, he respected her. Despite his lies and secrets that were known by her, he had started to take a liking to Jeanne.
Leaving his thoughts, he suddenly realized that he was already on another floor. She had carried him so smoothly on the stairs that he didn't even feel it.
Nor did he notice that she had started to push his wheelchair again.
Moving slowly, if none of the two dared to speak then no noise would be coming from them. And to his surprise, Jeanne was now reaching for the candle, making it disappear. Sunless had to turn his head to face her, as the moonlight was beaming with just enough strength for him to see her without Valtria's Present's help.
She had her...index in front of her mouth.
He was about to panic until he saw her little grin from the corner of her mouth. She really does look younger when she smiles like that. So without a word, he simply nods.
After that, they moved again, toward the same room as before. It was only when they were about to reach it that he finally saw it. The door wasn't closed correctly, which never happened before; Jeanne might have noticed it before him. So if someone was inside, why does he have to be silent? And why does Jeanne seem so amused, if not happy, about this situation?
Without a word shared, she simply kept pushing until they got to reach that said door. He was just close enough to be able to lean toward the gap without being seen. Jeanne was already doing it, so it was quite simple to see it as an invitation to do so.
And without wasting much time on an unasked reflection, Sunless was trying to see what was so interesting.
-"It's shoo good… Gods, Vincent truly...the besht cook…"
There was not much light in there, but that wasn't a problem since the little girl was with a flashlight. Illuminating her plate of waffles so she can cover them with some syrup, her black hair only visible thanks to the light she took with her. It was like having a stroke of black ink made onto a white canvas, marking its existence for the world to see, so she can never be ignored nor forgotten.
Was it truly her?
'She seems so...different.'
The coldness in her voice was nowhere to be heard. It was like he was watching somebody else, which was weird to say since he had only talked to her once and saw her only two times. But since his first interaction with her had been a threat to his very being, it was easy to say that Sunless had a clear picture of her in his mind. One of someone he wouldn't try to talk or reason with.
Behind him, Jeanne was reaching for his right ear, murmuring something to him:
-"Nephis possess a sweet tooth, so much so that our cook will leave on the table something to eat every night so she can enjoy it without anyone disturbing her… What you're seeing is what Nephis can be when no one is looking."
If Jeanne knew how to speak this low, Sunless wasn't truly sure about that for himself. So he simply kept his thoughts to himself. Still looking at the girl...acting like one.
Like a child.
Was he supposed to be like her?
Acting like her if life had been a little less hard on him?
That thought was simply a fantasy. Because even with his parents and Rain, Sunless would never have had the opportunity to do so. Nephis was born as a Legacy, and he was a rat.
Putting his hand on the wheels, he was trying his best to move back. The message was clear: he wasn't hungry, and he didn't even want to stay here… The darkness of his room was calling him.