Three Days After The International Mockery Thread - r/TheEternalSoldier
u/LegalEagle_Esq: Okay so nobody's talking about the REAL issue here
If The Eternal Soldier actually exists, he would need lawyers. REALLY good lawyers.
Think about it:
- Multiple identities across centuries (legal documentation nightmare)
- Property ownership spanning hundreds of years (inheritance laws)
- Tax implications of compound interest over millennia (IRS would have aneurysm)
- Social Security from before Social Security existed
- Bank accounts from 1700s (how does that even work)
- Potentially being sued for things that happened in 1843
You don't handle that with a normal law firm. You need specialists. Generational specialists.
[78.3k upvotes in 2 hours]
u/DeepStateDigger: Oh my God you're right. An immortal would be a LEGAL NIGHTMARE.
u/TaxAccountant_Real: The tax implications alone... imagine filing taxes for someone with 200 years of investment income. The compound interest. The capital gains. The IRS would need an entire department.
u/RealEstateAgent: Property ownership! If he bought land in 1650, kept it, that's 375 years of property records, deed transfers to himself under different names, inheritance documentation...
u/LegalEagle_Esq: Exactly. So I started looking. What law firms specialize in "unusual estate planning"?
Two Hours Later
u/LegalEagle_Esq: UPDATE: I found something
There's a law firm in London called Whitmore, Sterling & Associates, LLP.
Founded in 1678.
Still operating.
346 years old.
[Uploads screenshot of firm website]
"Whitmore, Sterling & Associates: Serving distinguished clients for over three centuries. Specializing in complex estate planning, multi-generational asset management, and unusual legal circumstances."
UNUSUAL LEGAL CIRCUMSTANCES.
Guys. GUYS.
[142.7k upvotes, 23,492 comments]
u/DeepStateDigger: A 346-YEAR-OLD LAW FIRM SPECIALIZING IN UNUSUAL CIRCUMSTANCES
u/LondonLawyer: I'm a lawyer in London . I've HEARD of Whitmore Sterling. They're legendary. Nobody knows who their clients are. They never advertise. That firm has outlasted empires.
u/LegalEagle_Esq: I dug deeper. The firm has had the same office building since 1803. Same address. 220 years. How many businesses can say that?
u/SkepticalSam: ok but how does this connect to The Eternal Soldier
u/LegalEagle_Esq: If you were 2,500 years old, dealing with multiple identities, centuries of property records, and tax implications from ancient Rome, who would you hire?
A. A normal lawyer
B. A 346-year-old law firm that specializes in "unusual circumstances"
u/TinfoilTina: B. definitely B
Four Hours Later - The Deep Dive
u/DataScientist_Real: I ran analysis on Whitmore Sterling's public records (what little exists). Here's what I found:
FOUNDED: 1678 by Jonathan Whitmore and Edward Sterling
CURRENT PARTNERS: 12 (names not public)
OFFICE: Same building since 1803
CLIENTS: Unknown (extreme discretion)
SPECIALTIES: "Complex estate planning, multi-generational trusts, unusual legal matters"
But here's what's WEIRD:
They've never once advertised
They have no public client list
Their website is extremely vague
Yet they're still in business after 346 years
Their building is paid off (no mortgage since 1847)
How does a law firm stay in business for 346 years with no advertising and no public clients?
u/LegalEagle_Esq: By having ONE very important client who needs 346 years of institutional knowledge
u/DeepStateDigger: oh my god
The Research Explodes
u/HistoryBuff2000: I found a reference in a 1789 legal journal. An essay about "the peculiar case of generational representation" mentions Whitmore Sterling representing "a client whose affairs span lifetimes."
That's from 235 years ago.
u/BostonArchives: I work at the Massachusetts Historical Society. We have correspondence from 1823 where a judge mentions "the interminable Whitmore Sterling case that has occupied three generations of attorneys."
Interminable. As in, never-ending.
u/LegalEagle_Esq: I found a newspaper article from 1901 about the firm's 223rd anniversary. It mentions they've "served the same distinguished family for over two centuries."
Except there's no family name mentioned. Just "distinguished family."
What family has the same law firm for 223 years and counting?
u/DeepStateDigger: Not a family. A PERSON.
The Tax Thread
u/TaxAccountant_Real: Okay let's talk about the tax nightmare because this is my specialty
If The Eternal Soldier exists, here's what his tax situation looks like:
IDENTITY CHANGES:
New identity every 80-100 years (before people notice you don't age) . Each identity "inherits" from the previous one
Requires: Death certificates, inheritance documentation, tax filings EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
INVESTMENT INCOME:
Imagine investing $1,000 in 1800. At 7% average return over 224 years. That's $3.9 BILLION today. Now imagine he started investing in 1650, or 1400, or 100 BCE.
The compound interest alone would make the IRS create a special department.
u/IRS_Anonymous: I work for the IRS. I can neither confirm nor deny that we have special handling procedures for certain taxpayers with "unusual financial histories."
u/TaxAccountant_Real: EXCUSE ME
u/IRS_Anonymous: I've said too much. [Account deleted]
u/DeepStateDigger: DID THE IRS JUST CONFIRM IT
The Property Thread
u/RealEstateAgent: Let's discuss property because this is INSANE
Property records are public. I can look up who owns what. So I looked up properties owned by "P. Jackson" or variations across history.
[Uploads spreadsheet]
FINDINGS:
1784: Percival Jackson owns property in Boston
1803: That property "inherited" by Preston Jackson
1889: "Inherited" by Paul Jackson
1956: "Inherited" by Peter Jackson
2023: "Inherited" by Perseus Jackson
Same property. Different "owners." Same family line. Except...
No birth records.No marriage records.Just inheritance documents.
All handled by Whitmore, Sterling & Associates.
u/LegalEagle_Esq: THAT'S IDENTITY CYCLING
u/RealEstateAgent: Exactly. The property never actually changes hands. The same person just creates a new identity every century and "inherits" from himself.
u/DeepStateDigger: How is that LEGAL
u/LegalEagle_Esq: Because Whitmore Sterling has 346 years of experience making it legal
The Social Security Thread
u/GovtWorker_Anonymous: Working in government, I've heard rumors about "Special Cases" in Social Security
SSNs that don't follow normal patternsBenefit calculations that don't make senseClaims that predate the Social Security Act of 1935
I always thought it was system errors. But what if...
u/TaxAccountant_Real: WHAT IF IT'S NOT ERRORS
u/DeepStateDigger: How do you give someone Social Security when they were born in 512 BCE
u/LegalEagle_Esq: You hire Whitmore Sterling
Six Hours Later - The Master Thread
u/LegalEagle_Esq: UPDATED: The Legal Nightmare of Being Immortal
If The Eternal Soldier exists, here's what he's dealing with:
IDENTITY MANAGEMENT:
New identity every 80-100 years
Death certificates for old identity
Birth certificates for new identity (backdated)
All inheritance paperwork
Cost: $50,000-$100,000 per identity change
PROPERTY:
Owns property across centuries. Must "inherit" from himself repeatedly. Requires complex trust structures. Historical deed research. Cost: Probably millions in legal fees over time
TAXES:
Multiple identities filing across decades Compound interest on ancient investments Capital gains from 1700s assets Inheritance tax (from himself) IRS likely has special protocols Cost: Unknown, probably terrifying
BANKING:
Accounts from when banks were invented Money sitting in vaults for centuries Account transfers through "inheritance" Modern banking laws applied retroactively Cost: Ongoing nightmare
SOCIAL SECURITY:
How do you calculate benefits for someone born in ancient Greece? You don't. You just... figure something out Probably involves Whitmore Sterling
LEGAL REPRESENTATION:
Need: Firm with centuries of institutional knowledge Need: Absolute discretion Need: Expertise in "unusual circumstances" Solution: Whitmore, Sterling & Associates (est. 1678) Cost: Unknown but worth every penny
CONCLUSION: Being immortal isn't just physically exhausting. It's a LEGAL NIGHTMARE that requires the best lawyers in history working across generations.
[389.4k upvotes, 34,872 comments]
The Comments:
u/DeepStateDigger: We've gone from "does he exist" to "how does he file taxes." This is the best thread ever.
u/HistoryNerd_PhD: The fact that Whitmore Sterling has been around for 346 years is evidence in itself. Who needs that kind of institutional knowledge except someone who's been alive longer than the firm?
u/BostonLawyer: I asked a senior partner at a competing firm about Whitmore Sterling. He got quiet and said "We don't talk about them. They're in a different category." A DIFFERENT CATEGORY.
u/TaxAccountant_Real: I've worked in tax law for 20 years. This is the most complex estate planning scenario I've ever conceived. And if it's real, it's brilliant.
u/RealEstateAgent: The property cycling is genius. Totally legal. Completely documented. And allows infinite ownership as long as you can prove inheritance. Which you can if you control all the paperwork.
u/LegalEagle_Esq: That's the thing. It's all LEGAL. Complex, expensive, requiring generational expertise, but legal. Whitmore Sterling has been doing this for 346 years. They've perfected it.
u/SkepticalSam: I'm convinced. The Eternal Soldier exists and his lawyers are scarier than he is.
Whitmore, Sterling & Associates - Senior Partner Office
Richard Ashworth III had been a partner at Whitmore Sterling for thirty years. His father had been a partner. His grandfather had been a partner. The firm had been in his family since 1847.
He was currently reading Reddit on his phone, trying very hard not to laugh.
His assistant knocked. "Mr. Ashworth? Mr. Jackson is here for his quarterly review."
"Send him in."
Perseus walked in carrying a bag. "Richard. I brought cookies."
"You always bring cookies."
"The receptionist appreciates them." Perseus sat down. "So. Reddit figured out the firm exists."
"I saw. Your tax structure is now a viral thread."
"They're calling you 'scarier than me.'"
"We prefer 'exceptionally competent.'" Richard pulled up his files. "Should we be concerned about the attention?"
"No. They don't know I'm the client. They just know someone LIKE me would need someone LIKE you. The firm's reputation remains intact."
"Good. Now, about your 2025 identity transition..."
"Already? I just changed in 1947."
"That was seventy-eight years ago."
"Time flies when you're being repeatedly arrested." Perseus pulled out a folder. "I was thinking 'Peter Jackson' this time. Keep the initials."
"Peter Jackson is taken. Movie director. Very famous. Try again."
"Patrick Jackson?"
"Better. We'll need to start the paperwork. Death certificate for Perseus, birth certificate for Patrick, inheritance documentation, property transfers, tax filings, bank account transitions."
"How much this time?"
"$85,000. Inflation."
"Worth every penny. When's the party?"
"Party?"
"The firm's 350th anniversary is in four years. I assume there will be cake."
Richard smiled. "There will absolutely be cake. You're invited."
"Excellent. I'll bring better cookies."
After Perseus left, Richard pulled up the Reddit thread again and read through the comments. They'd figured out the basic structure. The identity cycling. The property transfers. The tax complexity.
What they hadn't figured out was that it had taken Whitmore Sterling 346 years to perfect the system.
Or that their most important client wasn't a "distinguished family."
He was just one very, very old man who paid his bills on time and brought excellent cookies.